Nothing's Gonna Change My World

when you try your best but you don't succeed

2011-06-21T21:42:00.002-04:00

I'm constantly annoyed and frustrated because I'm so stressed and worried about Jesse. I'm hungry because I'm doing weight watchers and I was stupid today and ate a salad that the dressing alone was worth 5 of my 24 daily point allowance. I'm tired but I can't sleep without nightmares. I want to move away but I don't want to be all alone. I'm so lonely but when I get around people I want to be alone.

It's only been a month since Jesse left. I'm moving to North Carolina in another month or so. How can it feel like time is crawling and yet flying by all at once?

the truth is I miss you.

2011-06-07T11:50:00.002-04:00

Last night I couldn't sleep because I had too many nightmares. I'm so tired and I'm so stressed out. I'm busy like, every minute of the day. When I'm not at work, I'm at school, or tutoring, or planning wedding stuff, or doing homework. I'm trying to get accepted to ECU but they won't accept me unless I have a math credit and they won't accept my math credit because they looked at my syllabus and it covers everything except logarithms, which are really important to an acting major. I write Jesse a letter a day but by the time I have time to sit and write it, I'm so tired that I fall asleep half way through. I miss him so much that I can't even put it into words. When I think about the danger that he's in and the horrible things that he's seen and the things he's had to do it breaks my heart. I would give anything in the world...anything...just to be able to hug him and tell him that no matter what he has to do and no matter what happens I still love him. But I can't. I can't hug him or see him or call him. I can just write him with no guarantee that he'll even get the letters I send. I want to send him another care package, but everything he needs gets so expensive and I don't have a lot of money in my account. Plus a lot of the time the stuff gets stolen and after talking to Jesse's dad last night I'm afraid I haven't been using enough duct tape. I'm so jealous of everyone that gets to buy pretty dresses and new swim suits when I'm wearing a bikini from walmart from two years ago and everything at victoria's secret and american eagle is so cute. I don't even have time to go to a gym or read, so I feel like shit because I'm totally disgusted with my body. My days off are stuffed to the max with things that need to get done. I just want a day to lay in bed and watch a movie, but that's not even an option right now. I hate being a grown up.

Don't ever take a second for granted with your loved one. Don't fight, don't waste time apart, and don't count on always having lazy mornings to lay in bed with each other. Because now I can't and I would do anything for just one more hug. I miss my Jesse and I want him back. 201 more days.

all I want it to be home.

2011-05-31T23:24:00.003-04:00

I'm so alone now.

I'll find strength in pain and I will change my ways

2011-05-24T22:02:00.002-04:00

I'm finally home from north carolina. Jesse got on the bus really early in the morning on Sunday and I've talked to him a few times, but he's in country now so I don't know when the next time I'll talk to him will be. Hopefully soon, because now that I'm home it's finally starting to sink in that he's gone. I can feel the big cry coming on. I just want to have some alone time to get it out of my system but I've been with my mom 24/7 so I haven't had the chance. I'm so excited to go to dino's on thursday with ange. I'm really looking forward to being with my friends and having a chance to breathe and just relax and not have to pretend to be anything. I just really miss Jesse...and I worry about him so, especially since he got punched in the face and can't see very well out of his left eye. It's such a long, terrible story and I really don't feel like typing it all out. I think I'm gonna go to bed, actually. I don't really want to do anything but sleep at this point.

Dreamin', I was only Dreamin'.

2011-05-14T08:14:00.004-04:00

Last night I had a dream that my mom and I were driving around my grandparents old neighborhood. We came across this house that had been there a long time that seemed abandoned. It looked a lot like my grandparent's house, but it wasn't. So we pulled in the driveway and lifted open the garage door. There was all this stuff in boxes in the garage and the door to the house was unlocked, which also had a lot of old stuff lying around. So since we figured that nobody lived here anymore because it looked like the stuff hadn't been touched in ages we started to pack up all the stuff into our car. Then out of the blue a white station wagon and a huge black pickup truck on a lift kit with duel exhausts and tinted windows pulled into the driveway. This old trashy couple got out of the station wagon and started screaming at us for touching their stuff. We tried explaining to them that we were just trying to help and they could have their stuff back but they said it was too late. So the guy in the pickup truck (who I understood was their son, although it was never mentioned and we never saw him) backed out of the driveway so we could back out too. They said he would hunt us down and find us and kill us. So my mom drove away and we tried hiding in other people's garages so he wouldn't find us but I guess he did because eventually the dream shifted so that we were living in a compound with all these other women. The house was my grandparent's old house. Sometimes there was a stove where my old swing set used to be and sometimes it was my bed. So a man who looked like Jack Nicholson was the head of the compound. And we had to please him or he'd beat us or kill us. I trying to call Jesse so he could come save me but he either didn't answer or when I did get him on the phone he'd be busy and set the phone down and walk away. One day I had to make the man dinner with my mom. She was in charge of the main course, I was in charge of the side dish. We decided I'd make mac 'n cheese. So I made it from scratch and it was great but I didn't get a chance to wash the pot. So when I was inside serving the dinner I saw a remote control that controlled a machine gun that I could use to kill the man. So I had to sneak it under my dress and hold it there by my side. The man mentioned that I had forgotten to clean the pot and it was his favorite and now it was ruined and my mother started to cry, begging him not to kill me. He eventually said that he wouldn't, so I went and hugged my mom and snuck outside to hide the remote control for later. I hid it in my grandma's old afghan blanket that she kept behind the couch, which was now behind my bed. All the mothers were outside washing up the children so I went over and washed my face before going back inside. I went upstairs and then the dream cut to me standing in a long line talking to Jesse. Although it didn't actually happen in the dream, I was aware that the man had raped me over and over, and that he had forced me to give him a blow job. I was talking to Jesse about it and I asked him if he still loved me, even though I had to had sex with the man and Jesse said that he did and that it was okay.

I wish that Jesse had been here when I woke up because I was terrified and in a cold sweat but he wasn't. Last night he was at his friend's house in Blairsville. I only have nightmares when he isn't sleeping next to me. I have to deal with horrible, vivid nightmares for the next nine months. I'm really hurt that I couldn't spend every night with him since I won't be able to for a long time. I guess that's only important to me.

I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue.

2011-05-05T19:00:00.005-04:00

I have turned into an utter lunatic. I cry and cry and cry at the slightest thing. I have been so stressed and today I just cracked and bawled my eyes out for about an hour over practically nooothing. I need to just get finished with my paper so I can relax. Lets be real. It's not going to be 8 pages. It's gonna be like...7. I don't even care anymore. I just care about Jesse getting here and cooking dinner for him, showering, and then going to bed.

p.s. I really like this picture but I feel like it isn't grammatically correct and that bugs me.

Finally...

2011-05-05T11:24:00.002-04:00

I cannot wait to see him tonight. I can hardly concentrate.

These next three weeks are going to be both the happiest and saddest I've had in a very long time.

I love him so much. I wish we never had to be apart.

I Will Follow You Into the Dark

2011-05-01T20:09:00.001-04:00

I once saw a post secret that said "If he doesn't come home from Afghanistan, I know that I will kill myself. He hasn't even left yet."

Everybody's Gonna Love Today

2011-04-30T22:30:00.002-04:00

Today was absolutely lovely. I had a really nice day, which makes up for how terrible yesterday was. The weather was beautiful, I ate good food with a good friend, I laughed, I may have found The Dress, and I saw an absolutely phenomenal piece of theater. I have no complaints.

You don't know how lovely you are

2011-04-19T21:43:00.004-04:00

I really hope that my new fleet foxes CD has come in the mail by the time I get home this weekend. Nothing cheers me up like new music.

I love going to hard at the gym that I can hardly walk when I'm done. I was only there for an hour but I did a spinning class and my hard work out that I did with the personal trainer on Saturday and by the time I was ready to leave I literally had sweat dripping off of my body. It made me really proud. It gets out so much emotion. I think that's what is going to keep me sane while Jesse is away. I'm just going to push myself till I die at the gym.

I had a fairly productive day today. I started my 10-12 page paper and I did some research for my 8 page paper. I also practiced my scene for acting studio, went to the gym, went grocery shopping, cooked an amazing dinner (sweet potatoes, fresh asparagus, and grilled chicken, all seasoned and prepared to perfection), and showered. Room inspections are tomorrow and I just can't make myself clean. I'm done with class at 11 20 though and I don't have big brothers big sisters so I can do it then. I plan on avoiding the world as much as possible because the whole city of Philadelphia is going to reek of weed. I can already hardly walk down the street without smelling it. I can hardly imagine what it's gonna be like on 4/20. I have plenty of stuff to do tomorrow anyway, like those papers and I have to memorize my poem and my informance. And it's gonna rain. But it's gonna be 80 degrees. So at least I'll be able to wear a dress with rain boots to class. I love doing that.

It's not that I'm avoiding the world because I don't want to be tempted to smoke. I'm not tempted at all. I just don't want to be around it. I'll be glad when tomorrow's over. It's all people have been talking about for the last few days and Im sick of hearing about it. Plus, it means I'm one day closer to seeing Jesse.

Speaking of which I got to talk to him tonight. It was only for a minute and 25 seconds but it was so wonderful to hear his voice. I've been so worried about him because of what he's been doing the past few days. I'm so glad that he's ok. I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

I haven't got a clue why anyone reads this. All I do is ramble about my boring life and talk about Jesse. I mean, I'm flattered that I have so many followers. I just don't get what is so interesting about me.

This weekend when I go home I plan on taking a bubble bath. It's going to be lovely.

I found out today that my mom's soap opera All My Children is going off the air in January. It's been on since 1970. I always said that someday I'd be on it. I'm sad that I won't have the opportunity anymore. Plus it's actually a pretty good show, even though it's a cheesy soap opera.

Today I looked at the pictures that I have on my computer of Jesse and I. I realized that he has a smile that he does just for me. In pictures he's either goofy or serious. I can rarely catch those moments of truth on film. There's a part of me that wishes that I could see that look he gives me whenever I want...but mostly it makes me feel so special that it's almost like a secret that I have of his.

2011-04-18T19:18:00.001-04:00

Today I was sitting in class letting my thoughts wander and it really fully hit me for the first time that someday I will grow old and die. I will no longer exist. I will no longer think things or look at anything or walk or smell the breeze. I will be dead. It was terrifying.

I will feed you fries with steak sauce.

2011-04-18T13:32:00.003-04:00

I want to get more tattoos. I want to lay out in the sun all day long and listen to music and not see anyone I know. I want to get drunk with Jesse and run around outside together in the dark. I want to kiss him in the rain. I want to go to the gym. I want laugh so hard I can't breathe. I want to move away from the people of my past. I want to get married. I want to be tan. I want to eat good food and not feel guilty about it. I want to see the stars. I want this school year to be over. I want this year to be over. I want to bake a pretty cake and decorate it. I want a fleet foxes cd. I want a decent hug. I want Jesse to come home safe from Afghanistan.

LETS BE REAL.

2011-04-15T21:39:00.002-04:00

IF I CANNOT TELL IF YOU ARE A MAN OR A WOMAN THEN YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO BE MAKING FUN OF MY OUTFIT, ESPECIALLY WHEN I LOOK ADORABLE. FACT.

I was feeling kind of sea sick, but the crowd called out for more

2011-04-12T18:16:00.002-04:00

Today was shitty. I passed out in the tanning salon today and whacked my face off the front desk so now I have this great looking bruise. Plus my personal trainer didn't show up for the appointment we'd scheduled a week ago and I dragged myself to the gym even though I feel like shiiit. AND they didn't have skim milk at cvs. All I want to do is rest but I slept after I got home from the tanning place so I didn't finish my homework and I need to finish my voice and speech tonight so I can start working on my research paper tomorrow.

I miss singing. I miss ars nova and chamber choir even though it was annoying sometimes. I'm gonna join a choir at school. Speaking of which, I got accepted to University of North Carolina Wilmington. It's my backup school so I'm glad I got in. It means I won't be stuck here another year. I'm excited to find out if I got into ECU. I call all the time.

Only 14 days of class left. Then Jesse is coming to get me and we're going to Disney World. He's so good to me. He'd do anything for to make me smile. I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm so in love with him. I'm so lucky.

You must face yourself and you must say, "I remember better days."

2011-04-06T22:12:00.002-04:00

Just hold on.

No-one knows the wheres or whys, but something stirs and something tries and starts to climb towards the light

2011-04-05T10:20:00.003-04:00

I'm pretty sure that my dad is a sociopath. He and I had a strange conversation the other day and I looked up the characteristics of a sociopath and my dad has every single one. It would explain a lot.

For the past week and a half I've been having really vivid nightmares every night. I haven't been sleeping and it sucks because I constantly feel tired but I can't sleep. Last night I had a horrifying dream that I was being processed to go into a concentration camp. Jesse was there too and they kept trying to separate us. I saw all these burned bodies and there were all these people with guns screaming at me...it was terrifying. The night before that I dreamed that there was a guy sucking out people's souls and he was attacking the building Jesse was in and I couldn't find him. I've been having lots of weird dreams too. Like, the guy sucking out people's souls had a book for a face. And last night I had a dream that I was in Australia and I got on a space shuttle to go to a concert of middle eastern music and dancing. And the space ship was spinning so I had to hold onto a pole when we went upside down. Its weird and I don't get it.

Today I don't have class so I'm going to the gym and working on homework that's not due for a while. I'm really tired and although I really should have an intense workout today because I haven't in a few days and my gym membership expires on the 28th, I just don't have the energy. I also need to go buy chicken because I left mine sit out too long and it went bad.

Only three and a half more weeks in this terrible place. Thank the lord.

My dieting philosophy:

2011-04-04T21:37:00.002-04:00

Eat well. Don't over eat and try to eat things that are natural and good for your body. Stay active and stay in shape. And if someone offers you a cannoli, take it. Because we only live once and its silly to spend your life missing out on lovely Italian pastries.

2011-04-04T12:53:00.002-04:00

I just want to leave these places and never look back.

I'm holding out my only candle, but it's so little light to find my way.

2011-04-01T20:26:00.004-04:00

It usually happens in the shower.

That's the safest place, because with the water running and the door closed and my music playing it's nearly impossible to hear.

I'll start thinking about something harmless, like my newest tatt

oo. I'll be thinking of things that I could add to it to make it prettier, like flowers or something. And then I'll start thinking about what I could get on my other ribs. And then out of nowhere a thought will just burst into my head: what tattoo will you get in memory of Jesse if he dies?

And then my brain will flash between images of myself at his funeral, crying and clutching the folded American flag to laying in his arms whispering to each other late at night, to opening presents together on Christmas, to jumping into his arms at graduation, to when we made love and afterwards I laid in arms and cried because I love him so much I couldn't express it in words, to the last time I saw him when I stepped on the plane in Jacksonville and he watched me from the window.

And then I'll break down...I lean against the wall in the shower, hugging myself with my nails digging into my arms and cry. and cry. and cry.

I try so hard to not think about the possibility that he won't come home because it's just

bringing bad energy to the situation. But it seems like when I let my guard down all those horrible thoughts are there waiting.

I'm so afraid to live in a world without Jesse. I'm afraid of what I'll become.

I feel so lonely because nobody understands. I feel so lonely but I can't make myself reach out to anyone. The only person I want is Jesse. All I can do is sleep. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until he comes home.

I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

You were made to go out and get her.

2011-03-30T09:42:00.004-04:00

I talked to Jesse this morning for the last time for the next three weeks. He doesn't have any service, but all his friends that have iphones have perfect service. He's in the middle of the friggen desert and when he called me from an iphone it sounded like he was laying in bed next to me. We're switching to AT&T when he comes back from Afghanistan.

He said it's beautiful in the Mojave Desert...he said the mountains are amazing and you can see every star at night and they made him think of me. I'm jealous...I'd give anything to see the stars.

This next five weeks is gonna be the longest Jesse and I have gone without seeing each other since since he was in SOI. And this will be the longest that we've ever gone without any form of communication. Even when he was in boot camp I got a letter from him after like...two and a half weeks. Then he'll get back after these five weeks and I'll have 10 days or so with him and then that's it. This SUCKS.

I taught my little sister the card game speed (which is very similar to spit) a few weeks ago. I played speed like, ever day when I was little. I was so good at it. And she beat me today. I'm partially proud, partially sad. lol

I left my ipod at home. It's been three days without it and I'm going crazy. I hate not being able to listen to music while I walk down the street to class. I'm about one second away from buying a portable cd player.

2011-03-29T14:59:00.001-04:00

Dear Bill Hicks, Your comedy cracks me up no matter what mood I'm in. I love you. Sincerely, Cate.

And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.

2011-03-28T23:39:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm so alone.

Tears of rage, tears of grief.

2011-03-28T13:27:00.003-04:00

I hardly slept last night because I had so many nightmares. Jesse and I have been fighting a lot and I think that has a lot to do with it. He's going to EMV tonight, which is a month long training cycle in California. So I'm not going to get to talk to him. Then he leaves for Afghanistan. Sometimes I'll just break down when I think about it and there isn't anyone around. I wish I had my records...I listened to them Saturday night when I felt alone and it helped. Especially The Band.

I cover myself in paint today in my acting class. And we had to pick poems for our final in voice and speech. She let one class do song lyrics and I wanted to do Echos by Pink Floyd. It would have been perfect. I'm doing Watching the Sleeping Lover from Sam Shepard's Savage Love. It's nice, but I like Echoes better.

I haven't been on facebook in three weeks on Wednesday. I feel like it's been three years.

I just want this year to be over.

You're right there in everything I do.

2011-03-15T14:09:00.002-04:00

I bought a plane ticket for North Carolina that leaves tomorrow morning.

Fuck school. Fuck money. I know what matters.

Come what may I won't fade away.

2011-03-14T20:01:00.002-04:00

I really hate college. I think it'll get better once I get out of this stupid city. The only reason that I wanted to come back to school is because Jesse went back to LeJuene and my mother and I fought with each other terribly the entire time I was home. Jesse and I argued too...we never argue. It was terrible. We're both scared and stressed....his deployment got moved forward a month and his pre-deployment leave got taken away from him, so he's not gonna get to see his family before he leaves unless they come down to say goodbye before he gets on the bus. The only way I'm gonna see him at all is if we spend all our money on plane tickets. It's fine with me...I just want to see him while I can. There was so much that we planned to do over his pre-deployment leave. I just hope we get the chance to still do it.

Tomorrow I'm starting my diet. I just got a tattoo on my ribs and I want it to look it's best, which means I want to be able to see my ribs a little. I wasn't worrying about dieting before i got the tattoo, because I was hoping that having little fat on my ribs would mean it wouldn't be as painful. Needless to say, I was wrong and it probably wouldn't have made any difference. Nevertheless, my gym regime is going to get a lot more strict and my diet is going to be a real diet...very little carbs and lots of protein and small portions. I'd really like to buy a juicer but I can't afford it right now. Plus I have to start looking into cars and apartments for next fall. This is all happening so fast....

Planning this wedding is really difficult because I have no idea how long Jesse is going to be gone. So it's hard to pick a date and find a location. I've started looking at dresses though, and I've found a lovely one. I can't WAIT to go try on dresses with my friends.

All I want to do is lay in bed and listen to music.

...And pain is all around

2011-03-01T15:17:00.004-05:00

I'm so scared he won't come home and these are the last days of our life together.

I loved you more.

2011-02-23T14:22:00.004-05:00

I hate ugly tattoos. I hate applying to college. I hate not knowing what I want or where I want to be. I hate running. I hate feeling fat. I hate watching what I eat. I hate milk that isn't as cold as it should be because the fridge was open a crack over night. I hate people that try too hard. I hate people that pretend to be something they're not. I hate excessive drug use to the point that it changes who you are. I hate Voice and Speech for Actors. I hate my dorm.

I love acting. I love my diamond ring. I love summer. I love wearing a bikini and laying in the sun for hours. I love writing letters. I love Jesse's clothes. I love wrapping myself up in sheets fresh out of the dryer. I love sexy songs. I love chocolate milk, beef jerky, cheesy ruffles chips, and hummus on pita bread. I love the imagining my wedding. I love when Jesse wears his uniform...any of them. Especially his blues or his forrest green camis. I love my tattoo. I love getting postcards from far away. I love my mom, Jesse, and my best friends. I love my tumblr, even though I don't have many followers. I love having sex, fucking, and making love to Jesse. I love white wine and dark beer. I love lambs, and I love daffodils.

If I know one thing it's that every thing that I see of the world outside is so inconceivable often I can barely speak.

2011-02-22T09:51:00.002-05:00

Last night I auditioned for The Vagina Monologues. I hope I get it. I want to be in that show so bad. At the audition they asked us all these super personal questions. It was interesting. I also want to find out if I was cast in a Sr. directed scene. I thought the cast list would be up by friday. HOPEFULLY it'll be up today. I just wanna be in SOMETHING. I'm bored.

Jesse and I had a pretty bad argument this weekend. Luckily we made up before his phone died Sunday night, because he's out in the field. He thinks that he'll get to go back to a squad bay on Saturday, which would be good because then he could charge his phone. If they change their mind and he doesn't get to go back to mainside, then I won't be talking to him for the next two weeks. I can't wait for Ft. Pickett to be over...I'll get to see him after he gets back to LeJuene. April is really gonna suck. The whole month he'll be in California at Mohabi Viper (sp?) and I won't be able to talk to him at all. Then he has two weeks of leave in May and then he leaves for Afghanistan. I hate this...

Anyway, today I have a meeting with the head of my department at 1 30 and I wanna go to the gym and I wanna walk down to south street and go to Repo Records and buy some albums. I wish my record player was here. I wish I could buy a cheap portable one...alas, it's not 1967 and I can't just go to the corner store and buy a record player for $10. Unfortunately.

I don't know what to do with my life. Johnny Hobbs, my acting teacher, says not knowing is a beautiful place to be. I think it's just exhausting and frustrating.

Country roads, take me home.

2011-02-16T21:40:00.003-05:00

I decided to start posting on here again. I adore my tumblr, but having only 14 followers is very disheartening and people get pissy when you write about your life (not like that matters or anything...your life I mean.) PLUS all my room mates follow me so I can't talk about them unless I'm super sneaky.

So anywaaayyy...

I'm really excited to go to New York tomorrow with mousegirl and ange. I love them dearly and I miss them terribly. Plus I'm SO excited to see American Idiot again. I adored it the first time but this time I know I'm gonna love it even mooorrreeee.

I've started to plan my wedding. I'm in love with a dress. It's a Jim Hjelm dress so it's out of my price range but if I BEG my mom hopefully she'll help me out. I'd post a picture but Jesse occasionally reads this so unless you are my mom or a bridesmaid, you're gonna have to wait to see it at the ceremony too.

Everything is in it's very early stages. I know my Bridesmaids are gonna be Ange, Kayla, Katie, and Aubrey and I know Jesse's groomsmen are Mark, Baker, Stemmler or Corey Hartley, and Blaine. Our colors are red and gold and we're getting married in a church big enough to house his enormous family. Sooo good luck to me to find one. I want to walk down the isle to a string quartet and NOT to the wedding march because Wagner was an anti-semetic ass clown. plus it's stupid and over played. I'd love to be able to walk down the isle to "At Last" but we'll see. There is going to be rivers of alcohol at the reception and for our honeymoon we want to go to Italy. Oh, and we're using the same cake topper that was used on my grandparent's cake :) I'm so excited I can't even concentrate on anything else...except going to the gym every day and getting my sorry ass in shape before I go wedding dress shopping, which begins in April, kids. Possibly before. If I wanna go to Kleinfelds (which I do) then I need to have everything in order there BEFORE the fall when I move down to North Carolina because I'm not gonna wanna drive all the way to New York just for that.

In other news, if I hear one more girl talk about how they never get to see their boyfriend I'm probably going to punch them. I have a little over 2 weeks left to spend with Jesse in person before he's gone for 9 months. The rest of the time before he leaves will be spent in training, where I also cannot talk to him. So shut the FUCK up because you cannot even begin to imagine the immensity of the fucks that I do not give. Get over it.

On that note, off to bed :)

2010-12-26T08:29:00.001-05:00

yes.

You're my home

2010-12-15T18:14:00.004-05:00

Philadelphia isn't my home. It's just the place that I live.

My house is sort of my home, but now it feels more like the middle ground between where I am and where I'll be a year and a half from now.

I'll be spending Christmas with Jesse this year at Camp LeJuene in a barracks and I have a feeling that it's gonna feel more like a home than anywhere else.

I cant wait to be eligible to apply for on base house housing.

Come to me now you know we're so low and life is brief.

2010-12-06T09:23:00.003-05:00

Well, since tumblr is down (which is what I've been blogging with since I came to college.... www.lyricsonpostcards.tumblr.com :) It's dumb, so don't expect something profound) I figured I'd write on here for a little. I'm on the phone with Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I just found out who my little sister is. Her name is Kayla, which I'm pretty happy about. She's in 7th grade and she's a tomboy that loves horseback riding, kayaking, and talking. I'm so excited. I meet her on Wednesday.

It is almost Christmas, and I've picked out the best gifts in the whole wide world for everyone. Jesse's gifts are wonderful...I'd post what they are but I don't want him to find out. It's all top secret, you know. I know what I wanna get everyone else, I just have to go get it. I'M SO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS!!! The costume mistress at my school is making me a beautiful dress with red silk taffeta material from a vintage 1954 vogue dress pattern. Hopefully I'll get to try it on today. I'm so excited. This is my first Christmas with Jesse so I want it to be special. It could also potentially be my last Christmas with Jesse, since I just found out a week ago he's going to Afghanistan in September. I try not to think that way though.

Speaking of Wednesday, it'll be the 30 year anniversary of John Lennon's death. Its only $8 to take a bus to NYC and I wanna be at strawberry fields for the memorial service that night. However, I have nobody to go with and I'm not going alone.

I'm really excited for Christmas break. I'm so excited to be with my friends and family and Jesse. I can't wait to bake Christmas cookies and wrap presents and drink eggnog and fall asleep in Jesse's arms. I am counting down the days....

Take a Sad Song and Make it Better

2010-10-12T13:08:00.003-04:00

I'm starting to doubt things. Pretty major things, actually.

Our friendship, for one. I thought I meant more to you than that. I guess not.

I'm wondering if I'm in the right place. And if I'm doing the right thing.

I'm wondering if I've changed too much. Or if I've developed a mask, which is something that I swore I'd never do again. I blame my room mates.

I wish I could just take acting every single day. I don't wanna take voice and speech for actors or movement for actors...I wanna just wanna act, damnit. I wanna paint too. And I wanna tap dance. And I wanna write. But on my terms. I'm sick of my writing class. I wanna take creative writing. Why do I have to take academic writing as an acting major? When am I ever gonna write a research paper or any of that shit? Never.

The only thing I'm certain of is my future with Jesse. And I'm certain of the fact that it's exactly what I want.

I used you in my acting class the other day. We had to say something that we want to say to someone but can't. I said I didn't know who you were anymore. I had to say it over and over and pull on my teacher's arm and struggle and scream and fight and cry and it really made me think about how much I miss the old you. I'm sorry I haven't done much to help you. I don't think you'd accept my help even if I offered it, to be perfectly honest.

I'm sick of people making me feel like nothing exciting will ever happen to me ever again. I'm still 18. Stop making me feel like I should just put on a frock and crawl into my death bed. I'm happier than you are. But you're really making me feel ugly. So just leave me alone.

And in case you were wondering, I'm here for you bud. If you should fall you know I'll be there...I love you.

The way that the light is hitting my fish tank makes my fish look like they're from a dream sequence....it's kinda beautiful. I've just been watching them swim around....

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.

2010-09-16T22:21:00.003-04:00

Sprinting across the room today and jumping into your arms was easily one of the happiest moments of my life.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright.

2010-09-06T11:45:00.004-04:00

Only nine days left tillI see Jesse. I can't believe it's so close to being over. 11 weeks without hearing his voice or touching his skin or feeling his arms around me. 11 weeks feeling like I'm torn in half. only 9 more days till I can see him and run to him and hold onto him so tight that it'll feel like I'll never let go. We'll get to spend time together on the plane ride home and later in our hotel room that night...we'll go to church together and out to eat and then it's on the train to Philly where I can spend days with him...every night I'll fall asleep in his arms, and every morning he'll be the first thing I see. The thought of it literally makes my stomach do backflips. When he has to leave me again it won't be as bad because I'll be able to talk to him on the phone sometimes and maybe even on a web cam. And on weekends he can fly to Philly to see me....ideally. I'm sure The Marines will have something else in mind. It's hard not to get my hopes up though.

I'm nervous though that I'm different from when we said goodbye and that he won't love me anymore. Im afraid that I'm not as beautiful as I was when he left and I'm afraid that he'll realize that he made a mistake investing so much of himself in me. I'm afraid I forgot how to kiss and that I won't know what to say when I finally see him. Plus my roommate is gorgeous and amazing and in comparison I don't know what anyone would see in me.

I'm stressed.

I'm scared.

I like college. My classes are interesting and my neighbors are really cool. I like my roommates too. They go out all the time. There's a part of me that wants to join them, but I can't. I can't have a good time knowing that Jesse's going through hell. I can't drink and party and celebrate when on the inside I feel empty. Plus I hate being around guys think they could ever win me over or whatever. Everywhere I look I just see Jesse. So many wives and girlfriends cheat on their Marines, but even the thought of feeling something for another man makes me sick to my stomach. I don't understand how they can do it.

I understand that he needs to see his friends and all, but from the way he talked he was gonna spend all his time with me. So that's what I prepared myself for. Today i talked to his best friend, who is under the impression that Jesse will be spending time up at his college partying and whatever else. If he wanted to do that, it's fine. I just wish he would have told me so I didn't get all excited about spending 10 days with him.

This is really hard...being in love with someone you can hardly ever see or talk to. It's only going to get worse. We can do it...we just have to work together.

Freedom's Apparently All I Need

2010-08-22T09:03:00.004-04:00

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

Up on Melancholy Hill

2010-08-21T15:34:00.003-04:00

"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them."

I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.

2010-08-03T01:00:00.002-04:00

Soo I don't know you anymore. You're not the person that I met in class years ago that shared special moments with me. I miss the old you. And I hate the fact that you're going down the same downward spiral of self destruction that I did. I hope someone saves you like someone did for me before it's way too late.

Today was a beautiful day. I love Ange and Katie. We're soul mates. And we're really good for each other.

I'm so tan :) I love sun shine. And I love that my friends are pale. It make me feel really really tan...till I see Beth Henery, who could strip naked and stand in the dark and be hidden... hopefully someday I'll get there.

Im making a really big decision. I'm not exaggerating when I say it will drastically change the course of the rest of my life. I'm going with my gut on this one, and I hope I'm choosing the right thing. Only time will tell. I think it's gonna make me grow up too fast though. I think it's worth it... My mom pointed out that the key word there is think. But really, all life is is a series of decisions. I think everything is pointing in this direction. I live without regrets. I'm probably gonna take a lot of shit for this. But my mom, Ange, Katie, Kayla, and Blaine are the only opinions that matter to me, and at the end of the day they'll still be my family, so I'll pull through.

Could have walked around the block 'cause all roads lead to home

2010-07-17T00:25:00.003-04:00

Tonight was a good night. I went to Pool Hall for the first time in weeks. I got some tips that have really improved my playing. I think I'm gonna go down there more often and practice so that when Jesse's on leave, we can go to a bar in Philly and I can kick his ass and impress him. That'd be fun. It was bittersweet being down there because looking around made me thing of the first time we talked, the first game we played together and how close he got to me, the first time he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, one of the first places we went as a couple... A lot of people asked about him and told me to tell him hey for him, which was nice. In a strange way, it's sort of nice being known as Jesse's girlfriend, even though previously I would have hated the loss of identity. I think it's because of how proud of him I am. And its not like the people that know me as Jesse's girlfriend don't talk to me about stuff that doesn't involve him. They just come to me for updates and used me as a messenger. I had fun shooting pool with Gavin and Blaine because I haven't played with them in ages. It was cool having Sam and Molly down there too because I don't see nearly enough of them.

Last night me, blaine, and mouse went for an illegal night swim in Keystone lake. It was a lot of fun. I can't wait to go back.

Now you're my whole life, now you're my whole world

2010-07-15T15:43:00.005-04:00

I miss Jesse. I miss his voice. I miss the color of his eyes. I miss the callouses on his hands. I miss when he would call me Catherine when I was being stubborn or childish. I miss how I would hardly have to touch him, and he would break out in goosebumps all over. I miss the way he smells. I miss feeling small. I miss feeling safe. I miss him rubbing my feet every night after I would get off work, and I miss him telling me how hot I looked in my uniform, even though I thought I looked stupid and smelled like sticky buns and smiley cookies. I miss cuddling up next to him when we'd go to sleep, and I miss waking up next to him in the morning. I miss looking at him and feeling my stomach flip and my heart soar. I miss rubbing his head. I miss cooking him meals and making him sandwiches. I miss dancing to Brad Paisley in my dining room. I miss watching movies with him. I miss him singing Green Eyes to me. I miss how much he loved my dog. I miss the way he would look at me that just screamed I love you, without having to say a word. I miss being kissed. I miss feeling beautiful. I miss Jesse.

It's been 25 days since I've seen him. He's on day 17 of 81. Our anniversary is in 5 days. Its bitter-sweet, because that's also a month since I've seen him last, and I'm not going to have any contact with him other than the letter that I write him. I'm pretty sure summer couldn't be going any slower. I would give anything for it to be September 16th and to be sitting on the curb at Parris Island at 6 am, waiting for Jesse's platoon to run by, because that'll be the next time I get to see him.

At least we can celebrate our six month anniversary together....

For you I'd wait till kingdom come.

2010-07-13T15:36:00.003-04:00

So, lately every day has high points and low points, which leaves me not able to decide if it's a good day or a bad day. No letters from Jesse since the ones I got on Friday. It's really hard to tell myself that he's busy, and that just because he's not writing me every day doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. His mom has been getting letters pretty steadily, which kind of hurts, considering the fact that there was like, a month long period when he and his mom weren't getting along that I was his only support, and I was there for him constantly when all his family did was hurt him. I know it's his mom, and I shouldn't get jealous, but it's hard not to when I pour my heart and soul out into a letter every single day, and wake up to go wait by the mail box and pray for a letter every single day to no avail. Plus, his mom has other people in her life that she cares about that she can talk to if she has a problem. Jesse's who I talk to, and he's gone, and I'm trying to talk to him anyway, but it's very discouraging when there's no reply. I have a few people I can still talk to, but it's different with friends. This sucks. I miss Jesse so bad, and it's not even a full month yet. Deployments are going to be terrible.

America's Next Top Model is casting in Pittsburgh on Thursday. I'm thinking about going, but I don't think my body is good enough to model. I keep telling myself I'm not going because I have school in the fall, but really I'm just trying to justify it for myself because I know I'll get rejected.

Filming Abduction yesterday was kind of stupid. I don't understand why someone would want to do a movie. Doing the same thing a million times over and over again seems sort of stupid to me. It doesn't seem real. And the girls that were like flipping out because we were near Taylor Lautner were so annoying. So what if he's famous and mildly attractive? Who cares? He's just a person.

I want to do something fun this week. I want to go somewhere new, but I don't want to have to drive. Someone else can drive or we can ride bikes or walk. But I want to go on an adventure.

We drink and we dance and we drown our sorrow

2010-07-07T10:09:00.004-04:00

Conversations at twilight into the early morning about the world and its condemned state, about relationships, dreams, and soul mates, about past and present hurts, about blow jobs and sex and Elliot Smith and whatever else we may have talked about made last night the best night I've had in a very long time. You're perfect, Blaine.

#4: Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta

2010-07-06T15:51:00.003-04:00

Blaine,

Our friendship means more to me than I could ever tell you. I consider you to be one of my very best friends, and almost more like an older brother. You've always been there for me, especially when I needed you the most. I think I've had more fun with you than with any other one person. We're both such ass holes and it just works so well together because we compliment each other beautifully. The shit that we do and the things that we talk about have made me laugh for hours on end, and I'd not have it any other way. I've enjoyed this past year immensely, even when we were bored out of our minds just trying to find something to do. I think college is gonna suck a little because I'm never gonna find another Blaine Steeves, and I don't really want to. Thank you for deciding that you didn't hate me and becoming one of the two solid, consistent, truthful, and caring male figure that I've ever had in my entire life. Love you, buddy.

I have no doubt one day the sun will come out

2010-06-29T11:29:00.002-04:00

I have two memories that I associate with the song "Lovers in Japan" by Coldplay.

The first is sitting between Ande and Seth in Seth's bedroom on his couch. We were listening to Viva La Vida on vinyl. It was beautiful. I opened my eyes just in time to see Seth play the piano intro on the arm of his couch.

The second is driving to Youngstown to mail a letter at the post office. I took Jack along with me and he was sitting in the passenger seat. The window was open and he stuck his head out momentarily to smell the breeze. He looked back at me and smiled the way dogs do sometimes.

Every time I hear that song I think of these two things simultaneously. There isn't one memory that I prefer over the other. I think they're both lovely.

And I'm still hurting.

2010-06-27T23:48:00.006-04:00

"You are all that keeps me from sliding into some dark place."

"But how did I keep you? We barely knew each other. A few moments."

"A thousand moments! They're like a bag of tiny diamonds glittering in a black heart. Don't matter if they're real or things I made up. The shape of your neck, that's real. You were always carrying a tray."

"You wouldn't come inside."

"I wouldn't come inside."

"I had to carry a tray to come out and see you."

"The way you felt when I pulled you to me. That kiss- which I kissed again everyday of my walking."

"Everyday of my waiting..."

-----------------------------------

I heard this today, and it made me think of you.

I want you back.

Here I lie on my own in a separate sky.

2010-06-26T12:52:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow will be a full week since I've seen Jesse. I still miss him, but i can sleep now, and I can eat and breathe. I couldn't the first two or three days. But I realized that this is going to be the first of many times we're separated, and probably the shortest. It will be significantly easier once his letters start coming. I've send him at least one every day, sometimes two or three. I can't wait to hear about basic, but at the same time I'm nervous because I know what hell he must be going through. Although I also know that he won't be telling me the worst of it, because he isn't allowed.

Due to a lack of human contact, I've been reading a lot. I read The Bridges of Madison County two days ago, hung out with my mom yesterday, and today I'm reading Slapstick. If I didn't have to go to work today I'd probably finish it. I'm expecting A Million Little Pieces and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close to arrive today or Monday, so I'll read them next. I have a feeling my main company this summer is going to be my mom, my pets, my books, and Ange. I don't really feel like partying or bending over backwards to hang out with anyone or making new friends, so I'm just gonna read. Which is fine. I used to do that all the time before I had real friends.

I'm sewing a teddy bear for Jesse. I don't remember if I've said that yet or not..I don't think. He's brown and orange flannel and I'm gonna sew him an orange hunting jacket and hat. He'll be my teddy bear for a long time because he can't take that with him to specialized training after boot. But I think Jesse will like him anyway because I made it especially for him. Sewing is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I practically had an anxiety attack that I was gonna cut out the pattern wrong. Tomorrow I learn how to use a sewing machine...

A working class hero is something to be.

2010-06-23T23:02:00.002-04:00

To all of you dicks out there who are rude to your waitresses and waiters and don't tip: FUCK YOU. Seriously. We make $2.45 an hour, and depend on your tips. Don't be stingy. It's not cool. And 99% of the time, the thing you're being rude to your waitress about isn't her fault. And although it's convenient for you to forget it, we're people too. You don't know what kind of a day we could be having. Like yesterday, when a ton of people got sat in my section at the same time, and they all ordered really weird and strangely specific things, and got bitchy. Plus on top of this, I was upset because I'd just found out more disturbing news about Aubrey AND yesterday was the first shift I was working that I didn't get to see Jesse after. So everyone was rude and annoying and specific and demanding and I was stressed and sad and then someone said 'Well, your boyfriend's probably waiting for you after your shift is over' and I cracked and almost started crying in the dining room. Luckily I got to go on break and I cried it out in my car and afterwards it was ok. Then I got some crack pot dad with his weird family being rude and yelling at me. Listen. If it's 11 o'clock at night and you have tired, hungry, cranky kids, take them to McDonalds. Not a restaurant. But that's beside the point.

"Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook you meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not...fuck with us."

Always be nice to custodians and secretaries. Always be kind to the people who cook your food and clean up your messes. Because even though we're just the dumb, working, masses and you're so much better than us, we remember you. And we aren't the people you want on your bad side.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

2010-06-21T05:40:00.003-04:00

I remember when Katie and I were in french class in 9th or 10th grade and we were talking about Dave. He was going somewhere and he had to leave early in the morning, and she woke up at the same time and just sat there curled in a ball under her covers. Jesse woke up around four this morning. So did I. I've been laying in bed listening to the CD I made him. I didn't know why I woke up so suddenly, but when I checked my facebook just now, he'd written on my wall an hour before when he was in the hotel lobby on his way to catch his plane. It made me think of when Katie woke up so she could be awake with Dave. I'm glad I was with Jess this morning.

I got less than four hours of sleep last night, but no matter what I do, I can't go back to sleep. I feel so ridiculous for acting like this. I can't help it. I'm trying so hard to be brave but it's hard without Jeese to hold my hand and help me along the way. The thought of going to work and not seeing him after my shift is over is so upsetting. My bed feels so empty without him laying next to me. I'm used to rolling over and seeing him next to me, his huge shoulders like a mountain, and his feet hanging off the end of the bed, and his face totally calm and peaceful. I'm used to rolling over into big arms that tighten around me and hold me against his warm body. I rolled over to a cold bed today and an old shirt that still smells faintly of him.

When we first started dating, he asked me if this sort of life was what I really wanted. I don't, really, but I do want him. I just didn't expect it to be this hard. I wish summer was over. I've never wanted fall to come so bad. And it's only day 1 of 94.

Breathe in, breathe out.

2010-06-20T20:07:00.003-04:00

This morning was rough. I cried a lot. I carried Oats around with me all over the house. I didn't leave my bed for a few hours while I waited for Jesse to wake up. Then when I finally did get to see him, it wasn't for long. And I cried some more. Today was really hard, but its almost over now. I haven't cried since I said goodbye at 3:45.

Blaine, I don't think you know how much you helped me today. I don't know what I would have done if you wouldn't have come found me... probably wrecked my car, because I couldn't breathe or think or see where I was going.

Today was hard, because I feel very alone now. Jesse is the person I tell everything to. When something funny happens, I tell Jesse. When I hear a song that makes me think of Jesse, I text him the lyrics. When something upsets me, Jesse holds me until it's better. Jesse was my whole life for the past few months and it's going to be really rough not hearing his voice and looking into his eyes and seeing him smile and touching his skin every day. But in the grand scheme of life, it's only three months. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It may seem stupid because we're young and naive, but I know what I'm feeling right now, and I know what I've been feeling, and it's not something that I would feel if I didn't genuinely care about him. I believe the point of dating is to find the person you want to marry. If they aren't someone you could see yourself with for the rest of your life, stop wasting your time and theirs. I wouldn't be staying with Jesse if I didn't think that he was worth it. It's funny, because when we first started dating, I remember saying to my mom 'It's not like I plan on marrying him... it's just fun to be around him.' Things have changed a lot since then. Life without him makes me physically sick.

This fool can die now with a heart that soared

2010-06-20T11:37:00.004-04:00

Yesterday was draining. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I've never prayed so hard in my entire life. Aubrey is ok though.

Today Jesse leaves. I was supposed to spend all day with him yesterday but we all spent the day searching for Aubrey. For those of you who don't know, Aubrey is the youngest of Jesse's siblings. She was reported missing and there was an amber alert out for her.

She walked in the door last night like nothing was wrong.

Today I get to see Jesse to say goodbye. When everyone says goodbye. I don't get any alone time with him. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. The thought of it makes me cry.

Send the pain below, much life suffocating

2010-06-14T10:10:00.002-04:00

Have you ever noticed that when you're dreading something, it follows you everywhere?

It's stupid to take the blankets on your bed and lay them in a dirty field and then put them back on your bed when you get home. But at 2 am, if you're thinking just as clearly as normal and all your thoughts aren't clouded by sleepsleepsleep, then you're a better person than I am.

Jesse won me a goldfish at the fair last week. I won one too. We named them Allie and Noah. They're lovely and healthy. If they die, I'm not going to be ok.

Yesterday, Jesse's brother Jack called him from Afghanistan. He complimented Jesse for the first time in his life and told him how proud of him he was and how he can't wait for him to be a Marine. I tried to be happy for him, except that he called us when we were on a date in the middle of the night in Blairsville. And he told me Jack said "Dude. I don't care what you have to do, or what you have to say, get rid of this girl, because while you're gone she's going to have miles of cock inside her." I was so offended and disgusted...it doesn't even matter that Jack doesn't know me or that he doesn't know me and Jesse's situation....I was so upset I wanted to cry. I wish someone other than Jesse believed that we are going to last over the time that he's gone. It would make this a lot easier. Because the one person that's in my corner rooting me on is the one person that's leaving. And I'm just stating this now for the record: Once he's gone, I'm really going to need my friends. I don't ask for help unless I need it, and I know I'm going to need it. He isn't even gone yet and I'm having panic attacks and crying myself to sleep because I'm so scared for him and because the prospect of him leaving me behind brings up all these feelings of abandonment that I never dealt with, just pushed below and avoided. So please. If you love me, help me. I know I've disappeared off the face of the earth the past few months, but please don't hold that against me. I need you guys.

In my life I loved you more.

2010-06-12T21:34:00.004-04:00

I wish I was enough for you.

I know I'm not.

And I know I never will be.

Today was just a taste of what the future holds.

I thought I was stronger than this.

Eyes Wide Open, Naked as We Came

2010-06-01T14:43:00.004-04:00

Skinny dipping was a lot of fun. It was cold and the water was dirty and I got it in my mouth and eyes, but Jesse was there and his feet touched the bottom so he held me. I felt like a red neck, swimming naked with my boyfriend in a river, but it had a lovely sort of innocence to it. There's a rope swing and it was fun jumping in from up in the tree and landing in the water. There was a light, warm rain that made the river smell electric, and when I went underwater, it sounded like being inside a pop can, with the current going by and the rain fizzing on the surface. We didn't stay long, because I was cold and we were getting eaten alive by bugs, and then we had to run back to avoid more bug bites, and we didn't have towels so we were soaking wet in our jeans, but it was worth it. It's a beautiful memory.

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.

2010-05-31T17:26:00.001-04:00

fuck communists.

#3: We Had Fire in Our Eyes in the Beginning We Never Felt so Alive

2010-05-31T16:53:00.005-04:00

Logan,

What happened to you? Why would you push me away like you did? Didn't it ever occur to you that the issue wasn't everyone around you changing, that maybe it was the fact that you haven't changed or grown at all? We were so close, and now you hate me? How does that happen? How can you go from being friends with a person to hating them in what seemed like over night? Well, I realize now that I'm probably better off without you, although there's still a part of me that misses you and wonders what you're up to and how you're doing. I wish I could cut you out of my life as effectively as you've managed to cut me out of yours. I can't wait until I get to move away and not have to see you all the time, because hopefully you being out of sight will put you out of mind. You promised me you'd never abandon me like everyone else, and that's exactly what you did. You're exactly like everyone other person and your cold heartedness is going to get you nowhere. And just so you know, I miss Nathan and Artie more than you.

#2: The Innocent Can Never Last

2010-05-31T09:38:00.005-04:00

Jimmy,

You held me down. You forced me. I didn't want to and it didn't matter. Nobody should lose it like that. Just because I've hardly told anyone or let it ruin my life doesn't mean I still don't think about it all the time. All the scars left from the abuse I suffered because of you are still healing. Sometimes, when I'm trying to fall asleep and Jesse isn't next to me I'll think of you and end up laying awake for hours. Sometimes, I'll have nightmares that leave me in a cool sweat. Once I woke up crying. You're a waste of life, and you disgust me. Telling people you have terminal cancer so you could win me back is repulsive. Telling me you were re-enlisting so you could go die and it be my responsibility is uncalled for. Manipulating me to stay with you with threats and fear is sickening. For your sake, I hope I never see you again. And you better hope you never run into Jesse either. Because he knows who you are and everything you've ever done to me.... every insult, every lie, every hit... And if he finds you, your life is over. He loves me in a way that a sick fuck like you could never understand. He's held me while I cried and he wants to show you know what it means to hurt, like you showed me. I was innocent before I met you. You showed me a side of human beings that I had never experienced and I'll never forget, not for as long as I live.

#1: I'll Be Seeing You

2010-05-30T12:51:00.005-04:00

Zach,

You manipulated me, used me, took advantage of my insecurities, left me, and made me feel like I wasn't good enough to love, just to fuck around with. And I want to thank you. Thanks to you, I can appreciate what I have now. I am loved intensely, in every way a person can be loved. I don't get old and boring. Every day, I'm new and exciting. For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful inside and out. Thank you for giving up one of the best things that would have happened to you, because now I have the best thing that ever happened to me.

Is there any other kind of pain?

2010-05-30T12:47:00.002-04:00

Please...never again....you don't know how bad that hurt.

Please.

I try to be like Grace Kelly, but all her looks were too sad

2010-05-15T08:46:00.003-04:00

I want to be beautiful like this.

And the night seemed to last as long as six weeks on Paris Island

2010-05-15T07:42:00.003-04:00

Like every other high school senior, I'm ready for school to be over. I'm over high school and I just want the freedom of summer and I want to go to college. But Jesse's ship out date got moved forward to June 14th, meaning that we graduate, we have a few days together, we have his grad party on the 13th, and then he leaves for Paris Island until September. I have abandonment issues and I'm not good at being left behind. I want school to be over, but at the same time, I need this month to just crawl by so I can have as much time with him as possible. Because despite what he says, deep inside I know he's gonna be different after boot camp. This isn't like going away to the Army or the Air Force. They do things at Paris Island that he won't even tell me about. I was talking to a former Sgt. at the banquet in Pittsburgh we went to, and he told us that The Marines are the only branch that still turn a blind eye to hazing and physical punishment. They get you up in the middle of the night and make you run for hours in the cold in the swamps. If you shiver, they throw buckets of ice water on you and scream in your face. If you still don't preform like they want you to, the next day they'll send you to the whiskey locker, where they'll beat you. I'm allowed to write him a letter once a week, but they censor his letters to make sure he isn't saying anything about how he's being treated. Jesse has wanted to be a Marine all his life, so I keep my mouth shut, but inside I'm horrified. And I'm terrified.

I'm gonna call my dad today. I don't know why...I just feel like I should.

Lets have another drink or three, don't be a bore

2010-04-27T16:13:00.006-04:00

I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. In hindsight it was stupid. If you're gonna keep holding it over my head, this isn't going to work.

And for the record, I don't care if life isn't fair and your crutch is legal. It's absolutely repulsive. I asked you to stop. I stopped no questions asked. You should have the decency, the common courtesy, to do the same for me.

Mountains and canyons start to tremble and shake. The children of the sun begin to awake.

2010-04-25T19:15:00.007-04:00

I love Bri and Gavin. I love that we can run around their house and do whatever and not have to worry about parents. However, I don't love how sensitive my stomach is and that about 85% of the time I end up like that guy... only with a significantly cleaner toilet. At least I had Jesse to hold back my hair and rub my back. And luckily I wasn't sick for long and I felt better afterwards. However he did get REALLY pissed at me and after almost leaving Gavin's and walking home, made my promise to cut the shit and stop everything because I'm just hurting myself.

So in the morning after sitting and talking to Jesse for an hour or so and eating half a roll of ritz crackers and drinking plenty of water I felt a lot better. We all went outside and sat on the curb and bull shitted with each other while the boys smoked, Jesse and Gavin paraded around in their underwear (Shawley clearly felt left out), and Penzera and Shawley wandered in and out, looking for phones and beer and cigarettes. We hung out there for a few hours, during which Gavin accidently ran over Jesse's foot with his car, and we started watching Dawn of the Dead, before Jesse came back to my house and watched Big Fish while we slept on and off. Then we emptied the dishwasher and laid around some more till I had to take him home.

I'm gonna miss him a lot this summer. It's gonna be really hard not getting to see him or talk to him, except through letters. But I can do it because it's worth it. We fight and bicker and do things that make each other mad. But then we kiss and make up and we're fine. Gavin says we act like we're married. We do, kind of, which is strange since we haven't been dating all that long. But we fit together. What I'm not, he is and visa versa. We're polar opposites and it's partially why we work well together. We're Noah and Allie. Roll your eyes if you want. You're just bitter.

Apparently the Marines have a ball every year with all the men in uniform and all their women-ladies in gowns. I can't wait to go. I'll feel just like Scarlet. I can't believe I'm excited to go to a function of a branch of the United States military. Me of all people...

All afternoon it's been raining off and on with thunder and lightening. The sky is the prettiest color right now over the ridge out my window. And the breeze is cool and it smells sweet, like summer rain.

I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars

2010-04-23T16:35:00.004-04:00

I love second sunday. I love making mixed tapes. I don't really like making them with a theme though. I tried that last month and I just don't have as much fun. So far this month's has MGMT, Johnny Cash, Gogol Bordello, Gorillaz, Hot Chocolate, The Fratellis, and The Presidents of the United States of America. I'm just gonna call it "The only thing this music has in common is that it's on my iPod" or something. I feel like it's gonna be a really good mix.

Today Mr. Snyder talked to me about how I'd be stupid for waiting for Jesse when he goes into the Marines because I'm young so I shouldn't commit to something. I understand where he's coming from, but I'm not gonna dump him just because he's going away. And frankly, I'm done hearing about relationships from divorcees. I already have such a pessimistic outlook on them because of my Mom and Dad. I'm gonna try to make it work. If it doesn't, it doesn't, but at least try. That's what's wrong with so many people. They're afraid of complications and pain so they don't try. Its so dumb.

Tonight is the drive in with Jesse and whoever else decides to come along. We asked a ton of people, but I think the only people that are gonna show are Jesse's friends... Which is fine, I just feel sorta shy around them.

I'm done with high school. I'm ready to move on. I'm so sick of everyone. Dooooneeee. When the teachers are gossiping about you, that's when you know there's a problem.

I'm sorry I'm bad. I'm sorry you're blue.

2010-04-21T22:53:00.002-04:00

I cannot tell a lie.

Was there a time when we knew peace?

2010-04-15T23:19:00.003-04:00

I'm a worthless, loudmouthed bully. Just like my Dad.

I'm selfish and cruel.

I'm stupid, weak, and untalented.

I have no redeeming characteristics.

I'm undeserving

unappreciative

and unsympathetic.

I do everything wrong.

Everything's my fault.

You win. They were right- the combine always wins. Always.

I'm done. Beat. Broken.

Happy?

Close your eyes and let music set you free...

2010-04-11T12:26:00.004-04:00

It wasn't something I did because of pressure or a feeling of obligation. It wasn't something I did out of boredom. It wasn't because I was stupid or unmotivated. It wasn't because of self destruction. I liked it. I liked how I felt. I liked how you felt. I like how things looked; like the tail of smoke the jet left as it shot across the perfect sky. I liked how I thought big thoughts. I liked how it brought people together; the friends that I have now are some of the funniest, caring, and dependable people that I know. But most of all I loved the way things sounded. Ordinary noises- birds, grass, my hand running through my hair- were amplified and made beautiful and extraordinary through you. And of course music. It was because of music that I started getting tangled up in you, but I guess that could be said about a lot of things. And now that you're gone, its the music that I'll miss the most. Because at the end of the day, I still have my friends. Jets will still shoot across the sky and leave trails of smoke that fade into nothing. I can still ask why. But I'll never understand music like I did when I was with you. I remember the first time I came home and listened to my Abbey Road vinyl and cried because it was so beautiful and I couldn't take it. Viva La Vida, Dark Side of the Moon, Led Zeppelin IV, Hail to the Thief, and Hot Fuss will always be special to me because of the times that we listened to them together.

To you, it may seem like I'm just giving up a hobby. But it's so much more to me than that. I'm giving up the way I experience music.

This really is a testament for how much I like you. I better get life points for this or something.

So 1, 2, 3, take my hand and come with me because you look so fine and i really wanna make you mine.

2010-04-10T13:24:00.002-04:00

Senior skip day way a lot of fun. Jesse walked over from school after he got off the bus and we went back to sleep. It was really nice falling asleep in his arms. When he sleeps next to me, he holds on really tight and it makes me feel very safe. So then when we got up, I went and made us breakfast to split: a stack of pancakes and a ham and cheese omelet. It wasn't that bad. I need to practice making omelets. They always fall apart. After we finished breakfast and finished arguing over the excitement level of the outdoors channel (two guesses what side I was on.. they were hunting gazelle) we watched the notebook, and I didn't even ask. I came into the room and he already had it playing. HE wanted to watch it. I was all about it, but I just wanted to make it clear that Jesse initiated it. haha Then after arguing over TV stations again (VH1 classics vs. the military channel) he put on Jeremiah Johnson. I made fun of it relentlessly for a half an hour before I took him to go lift. So when I came home I continued to watch the movie, NOT KNOWING that it was like, 4 hours long. I'm just waiting for Jeremiah to go fucking DO something and it never happened for me. I was only half watching though. I'm glad I saw some of it though, because my Baba always used to call me Pilgrim and that's what that's from.

Speaking of lifting, I went to the weight room Thursday after school and did a core, back, and arms work out. Jesse walked me though it, and by walked me through it, I mean forced me to do it, complaining every step of the way. I'm very sore. Tuesday (if I don't have Ars Nova) is legs and core. I feel like that won't be AS bad, since I have SOME muscle strength in my legs from dance and I legit have zero muscles in my arms and that was the first time I've ever done an arm work out.

Friday nights are my favorite. I love going to pool hall and finding luke with Blaine and Brant and seeing Jesse...It's good times. I'm gonna be kick ass at pool before I go to college. It's a short term goal of mine.

You may say I'm a dreamer

2010-04-04T23:53:00.002-04:00

I read your blogs for the first time in ages and I remembered why I stopped in the first place. Stop complaining. Nobody wants to hear it. I wish I had your problems. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Love it :)

My insomnia is officially back. I got a week of normal sleep and now I'm back to not being even a little tired. I need ativan or something to make me sleep. NYQUILL! Good call (Thank you.) hah

I love my friends. They're perfect. We walk around Latrobe and bull shit and laugh our asses off. You wish you were us.

MY SENIORITIS IS CHRONIC. I don't want to go to school at all....But I have to because I have sssssoooooo much art shit I have to get done before the quarter is over...which is Friday, our senior skip day, so it's gotta be in by thursday. I have tomorrow night and Wednesday night to get it all finished because Tuesday Jesse SOMEHOW convinced me to go to the weight room after school before he comes over for dinner...then my mom has class from 6-9 so we're having a movie night. Ha. I cannot she's trusting me alone with him after almost seeing the BKD. (If you know what that means, good for you, if not...ask me about it sometime. It's a hilarious story. It's fun for the whole faaamilyyy...freaknik lol)

I just walked into my bathroom to get my nyquill and I woke my mom up on accident and she goes "God, it feels like I JUST went to bed." "Mom....you did..." "Oh....I thought it was morning..." and we both laughed really hard.

I shouldn't care about the art shit. I'm already into college....NO STOP I CAN'T DO THIS AAAHHHH. I'm gonna end up gonna end up going to the movies tomorrow to see tame your dragon or whatever it's called. I can tell. Damnit.

I had easter dinner with Jesse's family today after a long conversation with Alex and him announcing to his family that he doesn't have a problem with Jesse and I dating anymore. So that's good. And everyone was really nice except his sisters Ashley and Aubrey. Ashley just ignored me and Aubrey shot me dirty looks and made a snide comment and then when I left they proceeded to talk about my hair and how I looked like a hot mess. FOR THE RECORD I DO NOT APPRECIATE ALL THIS SUDDEN HOSTILITY TOWARDS MY HAIR. I thought everyone liked it, and within the past week I've heard how horrible it is from like, 3 or 4 different sources. Anyway, I love his brother in law Kevin. I sit down in front of Jesse's six siblings, his mom and dad, and a few of his sibling's spouses and he takes one look at the impossible-to-conceal hickey on my neck and at the top of his voice goes 'So Cate, does Jesse bite?' and just sits there and giggles as I blush. Then for like, and hour, every now and then "So Jesse, you into vampires? You like vampires, Jesse? How do you feel about Twilight with all them vampires? Huh?" And Jesse was totally oblivious so I had to explain it to him later. I thought the whole thing was hysterical. And I like his mom. I hope she warms up to me eventually. I want her to be friends with my mom. They would get along so well. Maybe some day.

Honey you are a rock upon which I stand

2010-04-03T20:42:00.003-04:00

I loved today. It was wonderful. Jesse came over around 11 to help me clean my house. We got a little bit of cleaning done, which is more than what I expected us to do. We kept getting distracted and we spent a good amount of time laying around and talking.

MOUSEGIRL AND ANGE: I have a new hilarious story for you. Holy God. It's...yeah. It takes the cake. Legit.

Today was also great because I got to eat all of my favorite foods: Perogi pizza, chocolate milk, a smiley face cookie, pork and sauerkraut, and mashed potatoes.

Jesse also washed my car and my mom's car. We had an epic water battle with freezing hose water (Which nobody wants) which I won when I stuck the hose down the back of his pants. hahahaha I show no mercy. And after dinner we watched Forrest Gump.

The only problem with today was when Jesse explained to me the way the marines worked. He'll leave for boot camp in June for 3 months that I'll be allowed to send him one letter a week and visa versa. Then after 10 days leave he'll go to marine training for 6 months at Paris Island. I don't think he'll get leave except for holidays maybe. I'm not sure. Then he'll be in some other training for 2 years in California I think and then he'll be deployed to whatever war zone where he wants to basically be a grunt and do reconnaissance. That'll be 9 months in war, 6 months home for God only knows how long. I'm so worried for him.

I hate how parents complain that we don't tell them things and then when we do they get so upset.

That party last night was awful crazy I wish we taped it.

2010-04-02T08:14:00.005-04:00

It really wasn't crazy, but I had fun. Except when I had to pee and when I got thrown off the couch and we didn't have a place to crash. But I know all the words to I Love College and I had Jesse to sleep on and walk with. We heckled people playing street hockey at midnight. They missed the goal and I told them they sucked. And I laughed till Jesse dragged me off.

Fact: When someone offers you gatorade at a time of need, accepting it is probably your best life choice.

I'll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new

2010-03-27T13:49:00.002-04:00

You are the slutty whore to my dirty mistress.

You are still my person.

I'm here for you if ya need me bud.

I want to hold your hand.

2010-03-27T13:19:00.004-04:00

I want you to make me soup when I'm sick.

I want you to come over and watch a movie that I want to watch, despite it being a chick flick, because I'm sick and I should get to pick.

I want you to make plans with me before you make plans with anyone else.

I want you to tell me good night and good morning.

I want texts every now and then to remind me that you're thinking about me. Are you even thinking about me?

I want you to want to spend time with me, even if its just for a few minutes.

I don't want to sit here alone letting Alex feed my self doubt, wondering who you're with and what you're doing. Because it's really hard for me to trust people. And you're not making it very easy. I want to trust you but it can't be a one sided thing.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy

2010-03-25T15:16:00.004-04:00

The only things they have in common is that they're all talented, all gorgeous, all have my heart, and all smoke.

If you could pull that rope just a little higher, We would dangle alone like a firefly

2010-03-24T16:36:00.005-04:00

Your timing astounds me. Really.

I think I have the plague. My muscles ache, my throat hurts, I can't sleep unless I drug myself with a heroic dose of Nyquill, my head is killing me, and I feel nauseated. And it doesn't matter how I feel tomorrow because I still have to go to school thanks to Mr. Richter. Coooooool. I can't even stand for long periods of time. I had to sit down in my shower so I didn't faint or throw up. My mom wants to take me to the hospital BUT CLEARLY the important thing here is our visual assessment presentations on Friday. I hate high school...

I hope Jesse can come over tonight and watch a movie with me. My mom isn't gonna let him though. bah.

Hopefully some Rufus will make me better. And valley dairy chicken noodle soup from Blaine.

All I can do is just pour some tea for two

2010-03-21T08:40:00.003-04:00

This feels different. But it's ok. I can get used to it. It's good.

You guys suck. That really hurt. I feel like you guys don't even like me and keep me around because you like her so I sort of come with the territory.

Last night I had a dream that Mrs. Penzera was driving me and theresa to some college in a rental car. She kept putting her feet on the seat and getting it dirty and I kept trying to brush it off. Then we got there and we had to share a bed in a dorm. My feet hung off the edge. All these people kept coming in, but ande was the only one I recognized. I pretended to be asleep so I could watch all the people. Then when we woke up my hair was all messy and they offered us two different kinds of gum- orange bubblicious and this fancy peach gum that was shaped like peaches. They told us we had to use up the orange first, but theresa grabbed the peach one anyway and screamed because it was so good. Then she kept licking the box. I laughed and told her to get a hold of herself. Then I woke up.

I'll come running back to you

2010-03-15T18:20:00.004-04:00

i love that i'm your comfort smell.

I gave you the best of me. Got my collection of photos and that old box of letters, gonna soak 'em up in gasoline.

2010-03-04T22:38:00.002-05:00

I'm in the right mind to delete this blog. I'm NOT ok with what happened today. You had no right. Don't you realize that maybe there's a reason why I didn't tell the cast of the entire musical about my self doubt and self confidence issues?

I have never been so embarrassed. Never.

I have a dream, a fantasy, to help me through reality

2010-03-01T21:31:00.006-05:00

What's the point of dating someone if you can't see yourself spending good amounts, if not the rest of your life with them? Isn't that the point of dating? To find someone you will marry? So if you meet someone and think to yourself 'Wow. I really like them. I couldn't totally see myself married to them.' then whyyyy don't you ask them out on a friggen date? Ugh. It's so FRUSTRATING. It's not like it matters, because the only reason I'm interested is because he's a rebound from someone that never even happened that I can't get out of my brain. I am independent and I am me and I really DON'T like feeling crippled because of another person... or lack of a person, for that matter. I did not want to be in a relationship. I had it all worked out. And now thanks to one person that probably puts me out of his head the minute I'm out of the room, everything is all messed up and now for the first time in my entire life I'm being denied something that I really want. And for the first time in my entire life I don't know what to do to get what I want. I sound spoiled, dramatic, and manipulative and maybe I am but I don't care.

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I pile up the pillows on the opposite side of the bed and cuddle up next to them. I pull the covers tight and hold Oats close and pretend you're sleeping next to me, holding me. I pretend that your arm is draped over my waist and your face is in my hair and I lightly run my fingernails up and down my arm, pretending it's you, until I fall asleep.

I want you to read this so bad, but you probably won't....

I know I may be on a downer I'm still ready to dream

2010-02-28T19:09:00.003-05:00

So I really think the world is ending. It seems like every day there's a major disaster somewhere. Earthquakes, Tsunamis, (I totally spelled that right on the first try. I'm so impressed with myself) plus all this snow... This is not ok. I have way too much to accomplish before I die. I've only got a handful of things crossed off on my list of things to do before I croak. I won't even have graduated college yet. That's not even fair. Nor will I be old enough to legally drink. I won't be married or have a chance to come back to my high school reunion and be all famous and stuff and laugh at the hoes. Not cool.

New Found Glory was AWESOME. Oh my god. So good. So much fun. I have so many bruises. And someone crowd surfing got dropped on my head and I almost passed out. My drunk concert buddy Nate and Blaine had to pick my up off the floor and stand me up. Now I keep getting these splitting head aches....I have one now. Whatevs. So worth it. Apparently the hot guy from Rock Star is friends with the members of NFG and all these other bands and was there helping them sound tech and stuff and partied with them till like, 6 am after the show. He was like 'you should have grabbed me. We coulda hung out.' Ugh. That would have been so awesome. He was telling me about how the guys from Dropkick Murphy's were snowed in at some bar in Monroeville and they were texting the NFG guys all pissed about it. That's hilarious. I need to figure out Hot Guy from Rock Star's name... haha

It's a shame cool people tend to be so fucked up in the head. Really.

How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming.

2010-02-27T21:44:00.005-05:00

I'm afraid this is happening again. I don't know what I'll do.

Oh and thanks a lot for ruining everything I had worked out.

I don't know what to tell you; There's just this thing about 'cha

2010-02-26T09:49:00.003-05:00

I love my tattoo. It's so pretty... And it's flawless. Johnny did such a great job. I couldn't be happier.

Let me tell you something... tattoos don't hurt nearly as bad as everyone says. I got mine on my foot, and honestly, on a pain scale of 1-10, I'd give it like a 4 or 5. When they hit bone it's like, a 7. But when I fell on my bad knee at rehearsal last week (not the one in my last blog. The other knee haha) I'm pretty sure it hurt worse than my tattoo. And I think my piercings hurt worse too, particularly my belly button. My conch was definitely more sore afterwards than this is. I couldn't touch my right ear for like, a month.

It just hit me last night that my tattoo isn't going anywhere. It seems like that would be obvious, and I knew that, it's just that I hadn't looked at it in a while and I almost forgot about it, and I glanced down because I had to pick something up and I saw it and it hit me. But like I said, I think it's gorgeous so I'm perfectly fine with it. And I can't wait to get more. It's such a cool experience. Even though it hurts a little, I sort of like the way it feels. Plus you meet interesting people, because in general, the people hanging around tattoo shops that are friends with the artists are pretty interesting. This guy was talking to me about his roommate's skanky girlfriend, and I got to hang out with Chris a little bit. Amanda got her tattoo too, at the same time. Nick did it. It turned out really nice too, but I like mine better :)

If this stupid snow keeps me from going to Pittsburgh with Blaine, Imma flip shit. I am SO over the snow. I'm ready for summer now. Nature....the snow was cool at first, but you're going over-board. It's possible to have too much of a good thing. Begin back peddling immediately....give me summer nooowwww.

...from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

2010-02-22T20:57:00.003-05:00

Sam asked me to prom today. I'm so excited. Me, Sam, Kayla, and Connor are going together. We're going to have so much fun.

Other than that, today kind of sucked. Well, rehearsal did. I hurt my knee again. And it's killing me. I can hardly straighten it. And when I hurt it dan krack just yelled at me. And everyone's mad at me, it seems. And nobody gave me hugs goodbye. And Allie Lubic says I ruined her life for going to prom with sam. So she hates me and pushes me and his me with her mug. Being there till 8 at night is terrible and I hate it. I'm literally there for like, 13 hours every day. This has officially stopped being fun. The only fun I have is seeing my friends.

So I'm just gonna watch Wall-e and cuddle with Angel because she loves me unconditionally.

Dance, dance your decay all the while, unknowing youre led astray

2010-02-22T00:12:00.003-05:00

Blogging kind of lost a lot of it's pizazz when I realized that I really can't just say what I want because a ton of people that shouldn't care about what I have to say read this. If you see me on an almost daily basis, but haven't talked to me since I was like, 13, then why intrude now? It's just weird.

Why do you apologize then continue to ignore me? Why did you waste your dollar if you were just going to keep on hating me?

Don't think that this is all innocent fraternizing. I've planned this all out. Wednesday is just step one. I'm not goin' nowheres.

I understand now. I just woke up the other day and realized I didn't really like you anymore if I really thought about it. And I don't miss you terribly. Sorry.

Left you love notes on their headstones

2010-02-16T11:41:00.005-05:00

Last night, I learned the proper way to decapitate a zombie with a shovel.

Today, I used that technique to break up the 14 inch thick pile of ice on my front deck.

Ice everywhere: quake with fear.

This here is for a good time, so everybody get off of your asses

2010-02-16T10:22:00.003-05:00

lolcats will never get old.

A kiss could have killed have killed me, were it not for the rain.

2010-02-15T22:15:00.008-05:00

I've been thinking about writing a blog all day today (Since there was nothing else to think about) and now that I'm here, I don't really know what I want to say.

Venture Brothers is amazing. I can't believe I haven't watched it until now. But I'm SO GLAD I finally watch it.

My big silver hoops broke today. I have another pair but it still really annoyed me, especially due to the circumstances.

Right now, I'm reading Gone With The Wind, Choke, and a book about Buddhism. Wind is like, my comfort book, because I just love the story so much, Choke is really dark and sardonic, and Buddhism is really interesting to me. And it makes sense. I think Americans need to learn more about different religions. So many people are Christians by default, and maybe if people learned about different religions they would find one that's more fulfilling.

I hate feeling like this over your inconsistencies. What the hell.

I wiped out on the ice this evening. I got instant bruises.

I like pictures of every day things. I'm sure they meant something to somebody. And I'm not one to judge, considering the stupid shit I'm emotionally attached to.

Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you

2010-02-13T13:26:00.004-05:00

Hello little prince. I love you. And I miss you.

I'm re-reading this today.

Let's get wrecked on pop tarts and sex and see the Taj Mahal

2010-02-12T09:48:00.004-05:00

We're slowly turning into a Great Value family, like so many of my friends before me. Actually, basically everything in our house is either Great Value or Aldie's off-brand stuff. It's fine..I'm not concerned. I'm just making an observation. The Great Value fruit and nut trail mix is like....huge and really really good. Its been my main food source for like, the past week. IT'S SO TASTEY. Except the cranberries. And apricots....which I already established are strange.

I think it's so funny that because I strategically took a vacation day on Friday, the break for this snow storm was literally almost as long as Christmas break. This is the best senior year ever. Like...I'm just gonna skip the make up days anyway, so it's really not an issue to me.

However, I'm running out of things to do. I spent the day watching the rest of season 1 of venture brothers....I have to go over to Blaine's and get season 2. He's up at Thiel right now visiting Mel. So this weekend is going to be a bit of a recovery weekend...Last weekend was pretty crazy. This week was semi-crazy. I spent a good amount of it being kind of nocturnal. Tonight I'm going to see Anything Goes at St. Vincent with my mom, tomorrow I have rehearsal 9-1 and then mah date with Chris, and Sunday I think Pope and I are having dinner? I dunno. He hasn't mentioned it lately. I'm not concerned. If we don't do anything I'll make dinner for my mom, and I'll cook something fancy from Mastering the Art of French Cooking.

I wish I had set aside a day just to lay around and read my book. Gone With The Wind is taking foreverrr and I have so many books I want to read right now...

I thought I killed all my fishies, but it's ok...I fed them in time. No worries.

I still want a snake. Like, real bad. I haven't moved on...

M-m-my heart like a kick drum

2010-02-10T10:44:00.005-05:00

I love when I meet a cool, fascinating, intriguing, and friendly person that has good taste in music and a passion for record albums that finds me just as interesting.

Walk the coolest walk you know...I know you know.

2010-02-08T22:49:00.004-05:00

Look around your room. If you thought you were going to have to leave RIGHT NOW and you could only take what was most important to you, and only what you could carry, what would you take? Having to decide is a humbling experience and its one everyone should have to go through because it helps you realize your priorities.

I was almost kicked out of my house the day after my birthday, and here's what I packed:

-underwear and socks

-t-shirts and thermal shirts

-jeans and a pair of sweats

-my laptop, ipod, charger, and the ipod chord

-phone and phone charger

-journal, sketch book, papers for school, and my Gone With the Wind book

-Oats

-makeup and tampons

-bottle of water

-a picture of my Baba and I

-Wallet and checkbook

That being said, I was not kicked out and all of this packing nonsense turned out to be for nothing. HOWEVER, in case of an emergency, now I know exactly what I'll need.

Apricots are weird. I don't like them.

Yeah so anyway, speaking of birthdays, I'm eighteen now. It's sorta weird because I'm for reals not a kid anymore. I mean, I'm not a grownup by a long shot, but to now be considered an adult is bitter-sweet. Bitter because my childhood is over and I now have to be responsible. Sweet because I HAD THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! Storm of the century? Hells yeah. "stay in your house! we are in a state of emergency!" Yeah bull. While everyone was flipping out over the end of the world, Blaine, Joe, Brant and I were driving around Latrobe with our windows down, blasting "Boom Boom Boom" and "Wannabe" and dancing our merry hearts out. It was such a good time. Then we went sledding over at the country club on this giant hill....we went sledding again today after we gave up on our snowball fight at keener with blaine, pope, brant, joe, kate kovalchek (sp) me, and luke yandrick. As far as I know, same crew's going tomorrow. I'm so 'cited.

I hadn't given Blue October a chance before. I'll admit, I heard "Dirt Room" and thought they were all a bunch of lunatics. But now that I've started to actually listen to them, I like them. But I still don't like "Dirt Room" for the record. However, "Breakfast After Ten" is so bad ass, it redeems everything.

No squealing, remember that it's all in your head.

2010-02-03T18:45:00.003-05:00

Bach to Rock is the coolest class ever. We just get CDs containing all this different music, with everything from Vivaldi to Brahms to Glen Miller to The Beatles to Coldplay and our homework is to listen to them and figure out what instruments are being played. After class, we stand in the back and hack. Our out of class assigment is to go to 2 concerts. BEST CLASS EVER. Right now I'm listening to "O Magnum Mysterium" which is a choral renaissance piece by Victoria. It's lovely and a little sad. I think he was Italian....

Today Kayla came over when we found out we didn't have rehearsal and we hung out down town with Pope, Brant, Bree, Gordon, and Ann. Then we drove over to the Darlington cemetary and had a look see. I think it's such a cool graveyard and I hadn't been there in a while and I wanted to show Kayla. Then we came back to my house and chilled and I french braided her hair. I haven't ever done it before but it wasn't that bad looking. I felt like a big sister :)

In Capstone today, Mr. Richter said "I'm so excited to talk to you guys about energy. I seriously can't wait. I have to like, hold myself back sometimes from telling you about it." And it just made me smile a little bit because like... he was so giddy and actually excited. Energy fascinates him. Its his passion. What's your passion? It's not energy, I bet. But even though it's something as intangible as energy, Mr. Richter is still pursuing his passion. It kind of made my day to be honest.

Logan accused me of talking about him behind his back. I wasn't. Someone was talking to me about him. It's not my problem that he chooses to do scandalous and slightly homosexual things that everyone wants to ask me about. SO ANYWAY he called me stupid, retarded, a moron, backstabbing trash, a piece of shit...and....there was something else...I don't know I deleted the texts. Then he threatened to kill himself over my stupidity. Good timing bud, not even a week after Toby died. That's mature. Whatever. Arielle, Kayla, Sam and I got a good laugh out of his little fit or whatever you want to call it. So now he'll probably hate me till I die and then some.

At this rate I wont have any friends left. BUMMER.

hahahahaha my life...

I'm making everyone valentines. They're obnoxious. Consider yourself warned. Imma work on them after I'm done here while I work on my really difficult homework.

Hey now, you're an all-star...

2010-02-01T19:27:00.003-05:00

Today I got my acceptance letter to the University of the Arts.

There's a 7% acceptance rate.

I also received a presidential scholarship from the president of the university for over $12,000 a year.

I couldn't be happier. Really.

My favorite reactions thus far:

Mom- Jumped up and down hugging me and screaming and crying.

Ange- "Holy Shit!!!! CONGRATULATIONS"

Blaine- "What you gonna do next Cate Thomas?" "I'M GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!"

To everyone that told me that I'll never make it because so few actors get anywhere-

To everyone that said I should go to college with a fall back plan for when acting doesn't work out-

To everyone that has ever put me down and made me feel like I'm not good enough-

To everyone that will never make it out of Latrobe and will end up choking on their mediocre existence-

Look at me now : )

I know in the grand scheme of things, getting accepted to college isn't very big, and I probs shouldn't count my chickens before they're hatched, but who cares. I'm proud.

So now the plan is to be an Acting major with a minor in drawing and painting, and then I'll add on the musical theater minor at the beginning of my second semester. I wonder what my room mate will be like...

On another note, today was fun. Rehearsal consisted of me and Emily Puleo sliding around on ice and falling down and laughing.... and we made up silly walks. Um....kayla and I always jack around so that's nothing new. AND my mom took me out for a fancy dinner at Red Lobster, and the hostess was a manager (Little did I know) and I told her that someday I'd be a very famous actor, so she should remember the name Cate Thomas, and she actually asked ME if I was looking for a job, because she wants me to be a hostess because I have such a presence about me. So that's awesome. Imma work at Red Lobster. She basically told me that I have the job and now we just have to go through the motions. TODAY WAS SO GOOD.

Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic

2010-01-30T23:25:00.005-05:00

There is a fly in my room and his buzzing around is getting on my nerves. All I wanna do is listen to a little Pink Floyd and relax with my christmas lights and my lava lamp, but the damn fly can't keep quiet.

Oh good he stopped. Maybe he died...

This is gonna be one of those blogs that just sort of....rambles on. Haha sorryyyy. You can stop reading if you want.

GUESS WHAT? Next saturday I turn 18. WOO. I'm having a birthday party. It's gonna be a joint party with Sam Prichard since his birthday is the day before mine. I dunno what I'm gonna get him. I might just get him a really nice cigar. He'd appriciate that, I think. I could buy a cigar box to put it in for like 4 bucks, buy a cigar, and get something else to stick in there. I'm so excited for my birthdaaaay. My tat appointment is set up for Feb 24 at Unique Ink with Brian. I can't believe it's finally happening. Oh my goodness.

Tonight was the coffee house at the school. I did both of my monologues, sang back up for courtney joseph, sang "Crazy" by Patsey Cline, played the party game with the improv group, and sang "Love Heals" with Amanda and Sam as a tribute to Toby Nave. We sang it at the last one in tribute to Joe Dato. It was a good coffee house and everyone did really well. I was so proud of Adam....I taught him a few chords on the guitar, and he played "Some Girls" and even though he only strummed along with the karyoke version of the song, I was so happy. Its weird because like, I'm not very good at guitar, but I was still able to teach Adam something...idk. I was proud.

Oh my God...Echoes is amazing to me right now.

So I found out that Josh Koutsky like me? Yeah, it's bizarre because he's like... really popular and everything and I didn't know he knew I really even existed. I mean, I've gone to his house once with Katie Shannon, but we were only there for a little bit. Then the three of us went to Eat and Park, which was fun. BUT ANYWAY yeah he was talking to Heather Bureau and Amanda Gregg and was like 'Yeah, I kind of have an infatuation with Cate.' and according to amanda, he actually used the word infatuation. lol So Amanda was like 'what? since when?' 'Since forever I guess.' So I'm like, totally shocked. Especially since he's like, real hot. And I'm...me.

I'm going nuts waiting for my U Arts letter...

PIERCING MY OWN EAR WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA. It's all crusty and nasty even though I clean it ALL THE TIME. and it hurts and it's groooooooss. But I refuse to take it out. I will keep this piercing if it kills me.

Tell me are you free?

2010-01-24T23:29:00.003-05:00

I've just pierced the third hole on my left ear. I feel very brave. The needle I was using wouldn't go through the whole way the first few tries, but then finally, I pushed really really hard and it popped. So I walked around for a few minutes with a giant needle in my ear, hoping my mom wouldn't walk by, then I put the earring in and now all is well. Except that right after I sterilized the needle with fire I touched it to my lower lip (God only knows why) and burned it (no shit sherlock) so that kinda hurts. But I think I have burt bees chap stick for sunburned lips somewhere, so I'll go find that in a bit.

My audition for U Arts went SO well. There were 80 kids there, 60 MTs and 20 acting majors. I auditioned for musical theater, and got a call back for acting. They told me it wasn't that my voice was bad, it's just that my monologue was really good, so they wanted to explore me more as an actor. So there were 12 kids called back for acting and like, 20 for MT. I auditioned for the head of the acting department, and my callback was for him too and another one of the acting teachers. I did both of my monologues, then they told me to do my fading joy monologue like I was really pissed off. So I did that and then they sat me down to interview me, and I talked to them for awhile. The acting head said I took direction well and that I have a good speaking voice. So that's good. They asked me a few questions and I asked a few and they seemed to like me because they were really interested in the fact that I paint and stuff too. They told me I could minor in musical theater and take drawing and painting classes. So I'm really content with that. Because honestly, singing and dancing are cool, but acting is my passion. They told me I'd hear back in 2 weeks. I really hope I get this. I feel so good about it. There's only like, 10 girls that get accepted into the acting program.

Today I cut up an old t-shirt and made it look cool and I watched gone with the wind again and took a bubble bath and pierced my ear and did my english. I didn't get much done because I was out late with Blaine. We went bowling. I suck at it.

I'm excited for warped. I'm excited for bonnoroo. I'm excited for summer. I'm excited for my tattoo. I'm excited for motion city and alkaline trio.

In sweep the vampires, in creep the vampires, knee deep in vampires

2010-01-22T08:59:00.005-05:00

Today I leave for Philly for my audition on Saturday for The University of the Arts. I'm really really excited. I'm a little nervous because Jean cancelled my voice lesson yesterday, so I didn't get a chance to perfect the harder of the two songs. However, Mama Who Bore Me is practly perfect and my monologues are really good, especially Fading Joy. I've really connected to that monologue. It's my favorite that I've ever done. I posted it in a blog a while back. I don't know why I connected to it so much. Like....it's about a loss of innocence because of a loss of virginity and her relating that back to the loss of the security of the womb. It's really symbolic and stuff and I just love doing it. Plus it's so emotionally charged because she feels scared, confused, sad, lost, guilty, and so utterly alone in the world. It's beautiful.

Sooo anyway we're driving up to my aunt's house today, then tomorrow we'll have to drive an hour and a half into the city. I'll sing and do my monologue, then hopefully get a callback where I'll have to dance and maybe sing and do the monologues again? I'm not sure. But I'm really excited. This feels right. I feel like this is the school that I'm supposed to be at. It's just so perfect. There's only a 7% acceptance rate. I have to keep telling myself that I AM good enough to get in. I AM pretty enough. I DO have a good enough personality. I DO have potential. AND I HAVE NOT PLATEAUED AS AN ACTOR, DAN KRACK. (I really don't understand that man. He fuels my self doubt, and then gives me the name of the one song that helps me tell myself that I can do this- "Die Vampire, Die." haha "fuck you miss. johnson....word." haha it's so funny and very meaningful towards the end.)

This is my first audition, and it's the only school that I really want to get into. I don't care about the rest...including NYU, which used to be my dream school. I need this. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like everything in my life (on stage) is building up to tomorrow. It's finally my chance to do what I love in the real world. It could be the beginning of my career. I want this so bad that when I think about it, I feel sick to my stomach and want to cry because I feel such a burning desire to act. I know it sounds stupid, but it's how I've always felt about being on stage. I feel bad for people that don't love what they do as much as I love what I do. I hope tomorrow goes well. I think it will.

How do you sleep?

2010-01-19T20:50:00.006-05:00

I know what it feels like to be abandoned. Abandonment seems to be one of the only consistencies in my life, actually. And Finally, I have this fantastic beautiful amazing lovely person that I care about and that TRUELY cares about me. I adore this person and would be lost without her. And nothing hurts me more than to watch her break. Today she sat in my passenger seat of my car and cried. And not just little sad crying, real aching aching lonely cries. Because she has been abandoned, despite you trying to tell yourself otherwise; you've left her all alone. And it is NOT alright. I am DONE sitting back and listening to her day after day, week after week, month after month, saying how much she misses you. ARE YOU BLIND? DON'T YOU CARE? I'm past the point of caring AT ALL if I seem rude, step on toes, or hurt anybody's feelings. You were her best friend. She loved you as intensely as a person can love a best friend. And not only did you leave her behind, but you replaced her. And she still loves you, so she has kept quiet as best she could. But I never learned to shut my mouth. Seriously- BROS BEFORE HOES. I don't know why this seems to be such a difficult concept for people to grasp lately. It's quite simple. Don't ditch your best friends for a girlfriend or a boyfriend. She's one more person. How hard is it to maintain a relationship? And don't say you're sorry if you don't mean it. Because honestly, it seems insincere when you've done nothing to mend your relationship with her. She was so afraid this would happen. She even told you this would happen a long time ago. And you said it wouldn't. You lied.

I feel stupid. I should have known- just like everyone else- that this would be the outcome. Instead, I stood up for you guys and defended your friendship. Now I just feel very naïve.

For the record, I'm sick of people talking about how terrible their parents treat them. I've seen my father in person about 4 or 5 times. I think about him all the time. The closest thing I had to a Dad died 3 years ago. I miss him everyday. My father told me he didn't want to talk to me any more when I was 12 because he said that he wanted to kick my Baba's ass, and since my Baba had been like a Dad, I was quick to defend his honor. He ignored me for 5 years. It would have been easier if he had died because at least then I wouldn't have to know that he didn't want me anymore. I have a great mother and I love her so much, but I never had a Daddy and there's always going to be a void from that.

Stop being my friend when it's convenient and easy for you. I'm sick of it. Make up your mind.

If your intention is for me to stick around and be a self-confidence booster for you or a third wheel, then.... you should rethink somethings. Because I'm not doing that shit anymore.

And in case you forgot, the phone works both ways.

Don't take the story about my Dad as a sob story. I don't want your fucking sympathy. I'm just saying that I'm really sick of hearing about how you all celebrated Father's Day this year. I'm not interested.

I hope none of this changes my relationships with anyone. I can only speak my mind.

But don't mistake that as an apology for what I've said. It's not. I promise.

without them the world goes dark around you

2010-01-16T23:59:00.001-05:00

One of my very best friends just told me he didn't care about me.

Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic

2010-01-07T20:19:00.003-05:00

I've always been very proud of my name because I was named after a great lady.

I loved my grandma very much and I am going to miss her dearly.

She gave me my first musical CD- Phantom of the Opera. I fell in love with Michael Crawford's voice when he sang "music of the night" and I've wanted to be on stage ever since. I owe her everything.

I spent my childhood being whisked off to various shows with her and my mom. I don't remember half of them, but we deffinietly went. The circus, the zoo, dozens of shows at the palace, every version of disney on ice, tons of shows at the civic center....I was there with my mom and grandma on either side of me.

It finally hit me today that she's gone. I have to keep reminding myself that she's with Baba and she's happier now.

You know that I care what happens to you.

2010-01-01T21:10:00.003-05:00

There are few nights that stand out in my mind that were worse than last night. It was really rough. I spent a good portion of it being rejected and cleaning up puke and being under appreciated and too sober to not wanna cry about it.

So today I came home and slept most of the day and watched The Twilight Zone marathon that's on syfy every year.

Then my mother rented the movie Julie and Julia and frankly...I'm in love. It was such a fabulous movie and I'm so happy about it. I've already ordered my copy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I am going to learn how to cook from Julia Child.

Yes, I hear you skeptics out there "HA! French cooking? Cate can hardly even make mac and cheese. She forgot to add eggs to a brownie mix. She forgot to add water to a cake. This is a waste of time and can only end badly." And I say to you..... false. I am going to be an excellent cook. When Julia Child married her husband Paul she could hardly boil an egg and ended up changing the world. Well, the food world. If there is such a thing. I think there is.

SO. While I'm waiting for my cookbook to come in the mail, I'm looking up the recipes online. Tomorrow I will be cooking a chocolate almond cake with chocolate-butter icing...all from scratch. I'm so excited. The only problem is that it calls for rum. And we haven't got anymore. Because I have a weakness for rum and coke WHICH IS WEIRD because it's my dad's favorite drink too and my mom can't stand it.

I wanted to cook something instead of bake, because baking isn't hard for me. It's cooking that's been a struggle. But to be fair, I haven't ever tried to really cook something....but soon I'll be making boeuf bourguignon and lobster thermidor and Provencal au Pistou and you're all going to come over for dinner and eat your hearts out. But as it were, it's new years, so all I'll be eating for a week is sourkraut and pork and mashed potatoes. For good luck. Because it's worked soooo well in the past.

I'M SO EXCITED FOR MY COOKBOOK. My cake tomorrow is going to be very very tasty. I'm going to wear pearls and a dress and high heels and be very fancy. So in honor of Julia and my plunge into french cooking "Bon Appetit!"

And no-one sings me lullabies And no-one makes me close my eyes And so I throw the windows wide And call to you across the sky

2009-12-29T23:43:00.014-05:00

"Try not to be too nice to me, okay?"

"Why?"

"It makes me nervous."

"You're actually a quiet person you know."

"I know."

"You're good at fooling people into thinking

you're outgoing...but the real you is quiet and

subtle and reserved. I know you better than

them, wether you want to believe it or not.

Because you've been forced to let me into

places in your head that you don't let other

people even imagine exist."

"Fuck my redemption I don't want to

be redeemed. I regret nothing."

"Borderline personality disorder. An instability

of self image, relationships, and mood...

uncertain about goals, impulsive in activities

that are self damaging, such as causual sex."

"I like that."

"Social contrairness and a generally pessimistic

attitude are often observed...Well, that's me."

"That's everyone."

"With enough courage you can

do without a reputation."