Is there any other kind of pain?

Please...never again....you don't know how bad that hurt.

Please.

I try to be like Grace Kelly, but all her looks were too sad

I want to be beautiful like this.

And the night seemed to last as long as six weeks on Paris Island

Like every other high school senior, I'm ready for school to be over. I'm over high school and I just want the freedom of summer and I want to go to college. But Jesse's ship out date got moved forward to June 14th, meaning that we graduate, we have a few days together, we have his grad party on the 13th, and then he leaves for Paris Island until September. I have abandonment issues and I'm not good at being left behind. I want school to be over, but at the same time, I need this month to just crawl by so I can have as much time with him as possible. Because despite what he says, deep inside I know he's gonna be different after boot camp. This isn't like going away to the Army or the Air Force. They do things at Paris Island that he won't even tell me about. I was talking to a former Sgt. at the banquet in Pittsburgh we went to, and he told us that The Marines are the only branch that still turn a blind eye to hazing and physical punishment. They get you up in the middle of the night and make you run for hours in the cold in the swamps. If you shiver, they throw buckets of ice water on you and scream in your face. If you still don't preform like they want you to, the next day they'll send you to the whiskey locker, where they'll beat you. I'm allowed to write him a letter once a week, but they censor his letters to make sure he isn't saying anything about how he's being treated. Jesse has wanted to be a Marine all his life, so I keep my mouth shut, but inside I'm horrified. And I'm terrified.

I'm gonna call my dad today. I don't know why...I just feel like I should.

Lets have another drink or three, don't be a bore

I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. In hindsight it was stupid. If you're gonna keep holding it over my head, this isn't going to work.

And for the record, I don't care if life isn't fair and your crutch is legal. It's absolutely repulsive. I asked you to stop. I stopped no questions asked. You should have the decency, the common courtesy, to do the same for me.

Mountains and canyons start to tremble and shake. The children of the sun begin to awake.

I love Bri and Gavin. I love that we can run around their house and do whatever and not have to worry about parents. However, I don't love how sensitive my stomach is and that about 85% of the time I end up like that guy... only with a significantly cleaner toilet. At least I had Jesse to hold back my hair and rub my back. And luckily I wasn't sick for long and I felt better afterwards. However he did get REALLY pissed at me and after almost leaving Gavin's and walking home, made my promise to cut the shit and stop everything because I'm just hurting myself.

So in the morning after sitting and talking to Jesse for an hour or so and eating half a roll of ritz crackers and drinking plenty of water I felt a lot better. We all went outside and sat on the curb and bull shitted with each other while the boys smoked, Jesse and Gavin paraded around in their underwear (Shawley clearly felt left out), and Penzera and Shawley wandered in and out, looking for phones and beer and cigarettes. We hung out there for a few hours, during which Gavin accidently ran over Jesse's foot with his car, and we started watching Dawn of the Dead, before Jesse came back to my house and watched Big Fish while we slept on and off. Then we emptied the dishwasher and laid around some more till I had to take him home.

I'm gonna miss him a lot this summer. It's gonna be really hard not getting to see him or talk to him, except through letters. But I can do it because it's worth it. We fight and bicker and do things that make each other mad. But then we kiss and make up and we're fine. Gavin says we act like we're married. We do, kind of, which is strange since we haven't been dating all that long. But we fit together. What I'm not, he is and visa versa. We're polar opposites and it's partially why we work well together. We're Noah and Allie. Roll your eyes if you want. You're just bitter.

Apparently the Marines have a ball every year with all the men in uniform and all their women-ladies in gowns. I can't wait to go. I'll feel just like Scarlet. I can't believe I'm excited to go to a function of a branch of the United States military. Me of all people...

All afternoon it's been raining off and on with thunder and lightening. The sky is the prettiest color right now over the ridge out my window. And the breeze is cool and it smells sweet, like summer rain.

I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars

I love second sunday. I love making mixed tapes. I don't really like making them with a theme though. I tried that last month and I just don't have as much fun. So far this month's has MGMT, Johnny Cash, Gogol Bordello, Gorillaz, Hot Chocolate, The Fratellis, and The Presidents of the United States of America. I'm just gonna call it "The only thing this music has in common is that it's on my iPod" or something. I feel like it's gonna be a really good mix.

Today Mr. Snyder talked to me about how I'd be stupid for waiting for Jesse when he goes into the Marines because I'm young so I shouldn't commit to something. I understand where he's coming from, but I'm not gonna dump him just because he's going away. And frankly, I'm done hearing about relationships from divorcees. I already have such a pessimistic outlook on them because of my Mom and Dad. I'm gonna try to make it work. If it doesn't, it doesn't, but at least try. That's what's wrong with so many people. They're afraid of complications and pain so they don't try. Its so dumb.

Tonight is the drive in with Jesse and whoever else decides to come along. We asked a ton of people, but I think the only people that are gonna show are Jesse's friends... Which is fine, I just feel sorta shy around them.

I'm done with high school. I'm ready to move on. I'm so sick of everyone. Dooooneeee. When the teachers are gossiping about you, that's when you know there's a problem.

I'm sorry I'm bad. I'm sorry you're blue.

I cannot tell a lie.

I cannot tell a lie.

I cannot tell a lie.

I cannot tell a lie.

I cannot tell a lie.