Send the pain below, much life suffocating

Have you ever noticed that when you're dreading something, it follows you everywhere?

It's stupid to take the blankets on your bed and lay them in a dirty field and then put them back on your bed when you get home. But at 2 am, if you're thinking just as clearly as normal and all your thoughts aren't clouded by sleepsleepsleep, then you're a better person than I am.

Jesse won me a goldfish at the fair last week. I won one too. We named them Allie and Noah. They're lovely and healthy. If they die, I'm not going to be ok.

Yesterday, Jesse's brother Jack called him from Afghanistan. He complimented Jesse for the first time in his life and told him how proud of him he was and how he can't wait for him to be a Marine. I tried to be happy for him, except that he called us when we were on a date in the middle of the night in Blairsville. And he told me Jack said "Dude. I don't care what you have to do, or what you have to say, get rid of this girl, because while you're gone she's going to have miles of cock inside her." I was so offended and disgusted...it doesn't even matter that Jack doesn't know me or that he doesn't know me and Jesse's situation....I was so upset I wanted to cry. I wish someone other than Jesse believed that we are going to last over the time that he's gone. It would make this a lot easier. Because the one person that's in my corner rooting me on is the one person that's leaving. And I'm just stating this now for the record: Once he's gone, I'm really going to need my friends. I don't ask for help unless I need it, and I know I'm going to need it. He isn't even gone yet and I'm having panic attacks and crying myself to sleep because I'm so scared for him and because the prospect of him leaving me behind brings up all these feelings of abandonment that I never dealt with, just pushed below and avoided. So please. If you love me, help me. I know I've disappeared off the face of the earth the past few months, but please don't hold that against me. I need you guys.

In my life I loved you more.

I wish I was enough for you.

I know I'm not.

And I know I never will be.

Today was just a taste of what the future holds.

I thought I was stronger than this.

Eyes Wide Open, Naked as We Came

Skinny dipping was a lot of fun. It was cold and the water was dirty and I got it in my mouth and eyes, but Jesse was there and his feet touched the bottom so he held me. I felt like a red neck, swimming naked with my boyfriend in a river, but it had a lovely sort of innocence to it. There's a rope swing and it was fun jumping in from up in the tree and landing in the water. There was a light, warm rain that made the river smell electric, and when I went underwater, it sounded like being inside a pop can, with the current going by and the rain fizzing on the surface. We didn't stay long, because I was cold and we were getting eaten alive by bugs, and then we had to run back to avoid more bug bites, and we didn't have towels so we were soaking wet in our jeans, but it was worth it. It's a beautiful memory.

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.

fuck communists.

#3: We Had Fire in Our Eyes in the Beginning We Never Felt so Alive

Logan,

What happened to you? Why would you push me away like you did? Didn't it ever occur to you that the issue wasn't everyone around you changing, that maybe it was the fact that you haven't changed or grown at all? We were so close, and now you hate me? How does that happen? How can you go from being friends with a person to hating them in what seemed like over night? Well, I realize now that I'm probably better off without you, although there's still a part of me that misses you and wonders what you're up to and how you're doing. I wish I could cut you out of my life as effectively as you've managed to cut me out of yours. I can't wait until I get to move away and not have to see you all the time, because hopefully you being out of sight will put you out of mind. You promised me you'd never abandon me like everyone else, and that's exactly what you did. You're exactly like everyone other person and your cold heartedness is going to get you nowhere. And just so you know, I miss Nathan and Artie more than you.

#2: The Innocent Can Never Last

Jimmy,

You held me down. You forced me. I didn't want to and it didn't matter. Nobody should lose it like that. Just because I've hardly told anyone or let it ruin my life doesn't mean I still don't think about it all the time. All the scars left from the abuse I suffered because of you are still healing. Sometimes, when I'm trying to fall asleep and Jesse isn't next to me I'll think of you and end up laying awake for hours. Sometimes, I'll have nightmares that leave me in a cool sweat. Once I woke up crying. You're a waste of life, and you disgust me. Telling people you have terminal cancer so you could win me back is repulsive. Telling me you were re-enlisting so you could go die and it be my responsibility is uncalled for. Manipulating me to stay with you with threats and fear is sickening. For your sake, I hope I never see you again. And you better hope you never run into Jesse either. Because he knows who you are and everything you've ever done to me.... every insult, every lie, every hit... And if he finds you, your life is over. He loves me in a way that a sick fuck like you could never understand. He's held me while I cried and he wants to show you know what it means to hurt, like you showed me. I was innocent before I met you. You showed me a side of human beings that I had never experienced and I'll never forget, not for as long as I live.

#1: I'll Be Seeing You

Zach,

You manipulated me, used me, took advantage of my insecurities, left me, and made me feel like I wasn't good enough to love, just to fuck around with. And I want to thank you. Thanks to you, I can appreciate what I have now. I am loved intensely, in every way a person can be loved. I don't get old and boring. Every day, I'm new and exciting. For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful inside and out. Thank you for giving up one of the best things that would have happened to you, because now I have the best thing that ever happened to me.