No-one knows the wheres or whys, but something stirs and something tries and starts to climb towards the light

I'm pretty sure that my dad is a sociopath. He and I had a strange conversation the other day and I looked up the characteristics of a sociopath and my dad has every single one. It would explain a lot.

For the past week and a half I've been having really vivid nightmares every night. I haven't been sleeping and it sucks because I constantly feel tired but I can't sleep. Last night I had a horrifying dream that I was being processed to go into a concentration camp. Jesse was there too and they kept trying to separate us. I saw all these burned bodies and there were all these people with guns screaming at me...it was terrifying. The night before that I dreamed that there was a guy sucking out people's souls and he was attacking the building Jesse was in and I couldn't find him. I've been having lots of weird dreams too. Like, the guy sucking out people's souls had a book for a face. And last night I had a dream that I was in Australia and I got on a space shuttle to go to a concert of middle eastern music and dancing. And the space ship was spinning so I had to hold onto a pole when we went upside down. Its weird and I don't get it.

Today I don't have class so I'm going to the gym and working on homework that's not due for a while. I'm really tired and although I really should have an intense workout today because I haven't in a few days and my gym membership expires on the 28th, I just don't have the energy. I also need to go buy chicken because I left mine sit out too long and it went bad.

Only three and a half more weeks in this terrible place. Thank the lord.

My dieting philosophy:

Eat well. Don't over eat and try to eat things that are natural and good for your body. Stay active and stay in shape. And if someone offers you a cannoli, take it. Because we only live once and its silly to spend your life missing out on lovely Italian pastries.

I just want to leave these places and never look back.

I'm holding out my only candle, but it's so little light to find my way.

It usually happens in the shower.

That's the safest place, because with the water running and the door closed and my music playing it's nearly impossible to hear.

I'll start thinking about something harmless, like my newest tatt

oo. I'll be thinking of things that I could add to it to make it prettier, like flowers or something. And then I'll start thinking about what I could get on my other ribs. And then out of nowhere a thought will just burst into my head: what tattoo will you get in memory of Jesse if he dies?

And then my brain will flash between images of myself at his funeral, crying and clutching the folded American flag to laying in his arms whispering to each other late at night, to opening presents together on Christmas, to jumping into his arms at graduation, to when we made love and afterwards I laid in arms and cried because I love him so much I couldn't express it in words, to the last time I saw him when I stepped on the plane in Jacksonville and he watched me from the window.

And then I'll break down...I lean against the wall in the shower, hugging myself with my nails digging into my arms and cry. and cry. and cry.

I try so hard to not think about the possibility that he won't come home because it's just

bringing bad energy to the situation. But it seems like when I let my guard down all those horrible thoughts are there waiting.

I'm so afraid to live in a world without Jesse. I'm afraid of what I'll become.

I feel so lonely because nobody understands. I feel so lonely but I can't make myself reach out to anyone. The only person I want is Jesse. All I can do is sleep. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until he comes home.

I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

You were made to go out and get her.

I talked to Jesse this morning for the last time for the next three weeks. He doesn't have any service, but all his friends that have iphones have perfect service. He's in the middle of the friggen desert and when he called me from an iphone it sounded like he was laying in bed next to me. We're switching to AT&T when he comes back from Afghanistan.

He said it's beautiful in the Mojave Desert...he said the mountains are amazing and you can see every star at night and they made him think of me. I'm jealous...I'd give anything to see the stars.

This next five weeks is gonna be the longest Jesse and I have gone without seeing each other since since he was in SOI. And this will be the longest that we've ever gone without any form of communication. Even when he was in boot camp I got a letter from him after like...two and a half weeks. Then he'll get back after these five weeks and I'll have 10 days or so with him and then that's it. This SUCKS.

I taught my little sister the card game speed (which is very similar to spit) a few weeks ago. I played speed like, ever day when I was little. I was so good at it. And she beat me today. I'm partially proud, partially sad. lol

I left my ipod at home. It's been three days without it and I'm going crazy. I hate not being able to listen to music while I walk down the street to class. I'm about one second away from buying a portable cd player.

Dear Bill Hicks, Your comedy cracks me up no matter what mood I'm in. I love you. Sincerely, Cate.

And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so alone.