Take a Sad Song and Make it Better

I'm starting to doubt things. Pretty major things, actually.

Our friendship, for one. I thought I meant more to you than that. I guess not.

I'm wondering if I'm in the right place. And if I'm doing the right thing.

I'm wondering if I've changed too much. Or if I've developed a mask, which is something that I swore I'd never do again. I blame my room mates.

I wish I could just take acting every single day. I don't wanna take voice and speech for actors or movement for actors...I wanna just wanna act, damnit. I wanna paint too. And I wanna tap dance. And I wanna write. But on my terms. I'm sick of my writing class. I wanna take creative writing. Why do I have to take academic writing as an acting major? When am I ever gonna write a research paper or any of that shit? Never.

The only thing I'm certain of is my future with Jesse. And I'm certain of the fact that it's exactly what I want.

I used you in my acting class the other day. We had to say something that we want to say to someone but can't. I said I didn't know who you were anymore. I had to say it over and over and pull on my teacher's arm and struggle and scream and fight and cry and it really made me think about how much I miss the old you. I'm sorry I haven't done much to help you. I don't think you'd accept my help even if I offered it, to be perfectly honest.

I'm sick of people making me feel like nothing exciting will ever happen to me ever again. I'm still 18. Stop making me feel like I should just put on a frock and crawl into my death bed. I'm happier than you are. But you're really making me feel ugly. So just leave me alone.

And in case you were wondering, I'm here for you bud. If you should fall you know I'll be there...I love you.

The way that the light is hitting my fish tank makes my fish look like they're from a dream sequence....it's kinda beautiful. I've just been watching them swim around....

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.

Sprinting across the room today and jumping into your arms was easily one of the happiest moments of my life.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright.

Only nine days left tillI see Jesse. I can't believe it's so close to being over. 11 weeks without hearing his voice or touching his skin or feeling his arms around me. 11 weeks feeling like I'm torn in half. only 9 more days till I can see him and run to him and hold onto him so tight that it'll feel like I'll never let go. We'll get to spend time together on the plane ride home and later in our hotel room that night...we'll go to church together and out to eat and then it's on the train to Philly where I can spend days with him...every night I'll fall asleep in his arms, and every morning he'll be the first thing I see. The thought of it literally makes my stomach do backflips. When he has to leave me again it won't be as bad because I'll be able to talk to him on the phone sometimes and maybe even on a web cam. And on weekends he can fly to Philly to see me....ideally. I'm sure The Marines will have something else in mind. It's hard not to get my hopes up though.

I'm nervous though that I'm different from when we said goodbye and that he won't love me anymore. Im afraid that I'm not as beautiful as I was when he left and I'm afraid that he'll realize that he made a mistake investing so much of himself in me. I'm afraid I forgot how to kiss and that I won't know what to say when I finally see him. Plus my roommate is gorgeous and amazing and in comparison I don't know what anyone would see in me.

I'm stressed.

I'm scared.

I like college. My classes are interesting and my neighbors are really cool. I like my roommates too. They go out all the time. There's a part of me that wants to join them, but I can't. I can't have a good time knowing that Jesse's going through hell. I can't drink and party and celebrate when on the inside I feel empty. Plus I hate being around guys think they could ever win me over or whatever. Everywhere I look I just see Jesse. So many wives and girlfriends cheat on their Marines, but even the thought of feeling something for another man makes me sick to my stomach. I don't understand how they can do it.

I understand that he needs to see his friends and all, but from the way he talked he was gonna spend all his time with me. So that's what I prepared myself for. Today i talked to his best friend, who is under the impression that Jesse will be spending time up at his college partying and whatever else. If he wanted to do that, it's fine. I just wish he would have told me so I didn't get all excited about spending 10 days with him.

This is really hard...being in love with someone you can hardly ever see or talk to. It's only going to get worse. We can do it...we just have to work together.

Freedom's Apparently All I Need

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

Up on Melancholy Hill

"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them."

I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.

Soo I don't know you anymore. You're not the person that I met in class years ago that shared special moments with me. I miss the old you. And I hate the fact that you're going down the same downward spiral of self destruction that I did. I hope someone saves you like someone did for me before it's way too late.

Today was a beautiful day. I love Ange and Katie. We're soul mates. And we're really good for each other.

I'm so tan :) I love sun shine. And I love that my friends are pale. It make me feel really really tan...till I see Beth Henery, who could strip naked and stand in the dark and be hidden... hopefully someday I'll get there.

Im making a really big decision. I'm not exaggerating when I say it will drastically change the course of the rest of my life. I'm going with my gut on this one, and I hope I'm choosing the right thing. Only time will tell. I think it's gonna make me grow up too fast though. I think it's worth it... My mom pointed out that the key word there is think. But really, all life is is a series of decisions. I think everything is pointing in this direction. I live without regrets. I'm probably gonna take a lot of shit for this. But my mom, Ange, Katie, Kayla, and Blaine are the only opinions that matter to me, and at the end of the day they'll still be my family, so I'll pull through.

Could have walked around the block 'cause all roads lead to home

Tonight was a good night. I went to Pool Hall for the first time in weeks. I got some tips that have really improved my playing. I think I'm gonna go down there more often and practice so that when Jesse's on leave, we can go to a bar in Philly and I can kick his ass and impress him. That'd be fun. It was bittersweet being down there because looking around made me thing of the first time we talked, the first game we played together and how close he got to me, the first time he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, one of the first places we went as a couple... A lot of people asked about him and told me to tell him hey for him, which was nice. In a strange way, it's sort of nice being known as Jesse's girlfriend, even though previously I would have hated the loss of identity. I think it's because of how proud of him I am. And its not like the people that know me as Jesse's girlfriend don't talk to me about stuff that doesn't involve him. They just come to me for updates and used me as a messenger. I had fun shooting pool with Gavin and Blaine because I haven't played with them in ages. It was cool having Sam and Molly down there too because I don't see nearly enough of them.

Last night me, blaine, and mouse went for an illegal night swim in Keystone lake. It was a lot of fun. I can't wait to go back.