All I want is to be home.

My grandma may have contracted some sort of disease that makes her randomly internally bleed and causes blood clot, in which case she wont live more than the next few days. I didn't go to school today. I'm going to say goodbye to her at 11:15. It's almost been exactly two years since my Baba died. I bet they miss each other.

Why is everything around me dying? I'm so scared.

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

I want to go to homecoming so bad. I love my dress. My hair would look so cool. And I would go buy the best shoes. But nobody wants to go with me. I just wish I knew what was so wrong with me....so I could like fix it or something. But since I don't know what it is, I can't fix it. So I guess I'm going alone. Or not going. Which sucks. Because I want to go so bad. So so so so bad. Bad enough that I bought my homecoming dress in December. But I'm not the exception, I'm the rule. And while the exception is that someone that wants to go to the school dance with me would ask me, the rule states that I won't get to go. 

fuck.

Going alone is going to be really embarrassing. The fact that I want to go so bad is embarrassing. 

Jimmy has cancer. It's a tumor in his aortic valve. It's inoperable. He has less than 9 months left to live. He doesn't even think he's gonna make it that long. 

I'm really sick of my mom talking about college. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I can't hear about letters of recommendation and GPA, and all the other shit she talks about. 

I've been listening to a lot of Linkin Park lately. Hybrid Theory. I've had this CD for soooo long. 

I like pretending that Green Eyes was written for me. I've been listening to it a lot recently too. By recently I mean ever since Jimmy told me he has a tumor. Shit...

Edit: I'm going to homecoming with Jimmy. I hope he's well enough to go. He's pretty sick from all the medication. He's trying really hard to fight it...even though the doctors basically told him not to bother. I didn't think I cared about him this much. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that everything in the universe upsets me....especailly things like this

The day breaks. Your mind aches.

I'm here for you. Please please please please just talk to me. It'll make everything easier. I swear. And besides. I owe it to you. I mean, come on. How much have you listened to me? Yeah. Exactly.

When the sun is out I got something I can laugh about

There's a freckle on the left side of my face on my cheek. When I worked at Idlewild and my mom would come to see my shows, sometimes when I'd come out after the show to talk to her, she'd try to brush it away thinking it was makeup.

Sister's in the bathroom killing spiders dreaming up new ways to fool a new shrink

Today I wore five inch gold high heel shoes to school. I was ultra tall. And they were totally ostentatious. And in art I had to stand for the entire class because I was making a canvas and geso-ing a bunch of them. And i was pretty sure my feet were gonna fall off. But I had fun. Someday I'll live in New York and wear them somewhere really fancy. But for now I'll just wear them here and pretend I'm a celebrity...which is what I did all day long. It's easy when everyone was turning to look at me...even if it was just for my shoes. 

I wish I could call people or text people or write blogs or post pictures on facebook without imagining everyone being annoyed with my existence. 

I wish the phrase 'fake it till you make it' actually worked.

I wish I was one jean size smaller.

I wish I didn't measure my self worth in numbers. (6 3 125 17 4 140)

I wish I had some more cash. 

You know what you gotta do. They all depend on you. You already know how this will end.

Soooo the other night I was bored and hungry, and a little out of it. So I decided to make a cake. I didn't really see it as anything important...i was just hungry and I had a few dollars and I was driving past Giant Eagle. So I got cake mix and went home and was baking the cake (and I did it all perfectly....I remembered the water this time...which is a personal accomplishment. Go me) when Alex Kessler texts me. And we're talking, and he asks what I'm doing, so I tell him. And he was like 'why?' and in my head I was like '...do I need a reason?' and he goes on to say 'that's what I like about you. once you get an idea, that's it. you do it no matter what anyone says.' And for some reason, that's really been bothering me for the past few days. First of all, it's just a cake. It's really nothing to get all worked up about. I baked it because I wanted to. I didn't really think you need to have a special occasion. Secondly, yes, I'm incredibly stubborn. But honestly, if someone had asked me to not bake the cake, I wouldn't have. It is, after all, just a cake. But nobody tried to stop me. So where did you get off with the idea that someone did, Kessler? And finally, out of all the things to like about me, you like the fact that I decided to bake a cake? Excuse me? No. You don't even know me, so don't act like you do. Just because we had one conversation that lead you to learn some of my favorite bands, or what my favorite color is, or the fact that I don't get along with my dad doesn't mean you know me. What's my happiest memory? Why do I like the color red best? What am I afraid of? Nobody has ever cared to ask, including you Alex. Anything you know is just on the surface. You're not my best friend. You don't get to comment on my baking. So just stop.

I realize I just ranted about a cake. I'm pretty sure there's some underlying themes or issues there. I've just been thinking about it. I didn't really see how much I've been thinking about it till I wrote it all down. I'm sorry...I kind of went a little crazy about that.

Jimmy told me today that he's going into rehab...I'm glad. I hope he can stick to it. He's already been through rehab before. I hope it works better this time. 

My grandma's really sick. She's dying. I think she's going to get better. I hope so. My mom doesn't think that I care about her because I don't go visit her in the hospital. I can't. I can't do hospitals....especially because I adore my grandma and I can't see her like this... because what if she does die and then that's how I remember her? I've been dealing with it by making myself numb. Its not really working. 

I hate when people say they think something is wrong but they can't justify why they think so. Same with why they like something. Or why they think something is beautiful. Or ugly. I just hate when people can't tell me why they think things.

I've lost my way.

i think you're really cool. and i think you're really interesting. and i listen to everything you say. and i like you. but i get afraid sometimes that you don't really wanna be around me, and that thats just the way it happens. it may just be my paranoia, so it's nothing to be alarmed over. i just wanna see you more often.

i'm so jealous of you.i love you and you're far away, but sometimes when certain people talk about you and say certain things, i go a little crazy on the inside. i think it comes through just slightly to the outside sometimes, but i'm not sure.

sometimes (and by sometimes, i mean just about all the time) i pretend that everyone's lives are revolving around me and my existance. it's in those fantasy moments that anyone watching closely would see when I can't keep my emotions to myself. i'm sure nobody's observing me like i observe them.

i'm tired and i want to go to sleep but i can't. last night i had crazy dreams that kept me up until all hours of the night. i'm a little afraid. reality will be here when i get back, but in what state will it be in? reality was real when it was three colors and they were seperated and flipping around. what if i wake up and i'm trapped there again? in the primary color 1408-like world?

i'll always be your girl, right? you won't leave me like everyone else....right? what if i leave you?