Was there a time when we knew peace?

I'm a worthless, loudmouthed bully. Just like my Dad.

I'm selfish and cruel.

I'm stupid, weak, and untalented.

I have no redeeming characteristics.

I'm undeserving

unappreciative

and unsympathetic.

I do everything wrong.

Everything's my fault.

You win. They were right- the combine always wins. Always.

I'm done. Beat. Broken.

Happy?

Close your eyes and let music set you free...

It wasn't something I did because of pressure or a feeling of obligation. It wasn't something I did out of boredom. It wasn't because I was stupid or unmotivated. It wasn't because of self destruction. I liked it. I liked how I felt. I liked how you felt. I like how things looked; like the tail of smoke the jet left as it shot across the perfect sky. I liked how I thought big thoughts. I liked how it brought people together; the friends that I have now are some of the funniest, caring, and dependable people that I know. But most of all I loved the way things sounded. Ordinary noises- birds, grass, my hand running through my hair- were amplified and made beautiful and extraordinary through you. And of course music. It was because of music that I started getting tangled up in you, but I guess that could be said about a lot of things. And now that you're gone, its the music that I'll miss the most. Because at the end of the day, I still have my friends. Jets will still shoot across the sky and leave trails of smoke that fade into nothing. I can still ask why. But I'll never understand music like I did when I was with you. I remember the first time I came home and listened to my Abbey Road vinyl and cried because it was so beautiful and I couldn't take it. Viva La Vida, Dark Side of the Moon, Led Zeppelin IV, Hail to the Thief, and Hot Fuss will always be special to me because of the times that we listened to them together.

To you, it may seem like I'm just giving up a hobby. But it's so much more to me than that. I'm giving up the way I experience music.

This really is a testament for how much I like you. I better get life points for this or something.

So 1, 2, 3, take my hand and come with me because you look so fine and i really wanna make you mine.

Senior skip day way a lot of fun. Jesse walked over from school after he got off the bus and we went back to sleep. It was really nice falling asleep in his arms. When he sleeps next to me, he holds on really tight and it makes me feel very safe. So then when we got up, I went and made us breakfast to split: a stack of pancakes and a ham and cheese omelet. It wasn't that bad. I need to practice making omelets. They always fall apart. After we finished breakfast and finished arguing over the excitement level of the outdoors channel (two guesses what side I was on.. they were hunting gazelle) we watched the notebook, and I didn't even ask. I came into the room and he already had it playing. HE wanted to watch it. I was all about it, but I just wanted to make it clear that Jesse initiated it. haha Then after arguing over TV stations again (VH1 classics vs. the military channel) he put on Jeremiah Johnson. I made fun of it relentlessly for a half an hour before I took him to go lift. So when I came home I continued to watch the movie, NOT KNOWING that it was like, 4 hours long. I'm just waiting for Jeremiah to go fucking DO something and it never happened for me. I was only half watching though. I'm glad I saw some of it though, because my Baba always used to call me Pilgrim and that's what that's from.

Speaking of lifting, I went to the weight room Thursday after school and did a core, back, and arms work out. Jesse walked me though it, and by walked me through it, I mean forced me to do it, complaining every step of the way. I'm very sore. Tuesday (if I don't have Ars Nova) is legs and core. I feel like that won't be AS bad, since I have SOME muscle strength in my legs from dance and I legit have zero muscles in my arms and that was the first time I've ever done an arm work out.

Friday nights are my favorite. I love going to pool hall and finding luke with Blaine and Brant and seeing Jesse...It's good times. I'm gonna be kick ass at pool before I go to college. It's a short term goal of mine.

You may say I'm a dreamer

I read your blogs for the first time in ages and I remembered why I stopped in the first place. Stop complaining. Nobody wants to hear it. I wish I had your problems. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Love it :)

My insomnia is officially back. I got a week of normal sleep and now I'm back to not being even a little tired. I need ativan or something to make me sleep. NYQUILL! Good call (Thank you.) hah

I love my friends. They're perfect. We walk around Latrobe and bull shit and laugh our asses off. You wish you were us.

MY SENIORITIS IS CHRONIC. I don't want to go to school at all....But I have to because I have sssssoooooo much art shit I have to get done before the quarter is over...which is Friday, our senior skip day, so it's gotta be in by thursday. I have tomorrow night and Wednesday night to get it all finished because Tuesday Jesse SOMEHOW convinced me to go to the weight room after school before he comes over for dinner...then my mom has class from 6-9 so we're having a movie night. Ha. I cannot she's trusting me alone with him after almost seeing the BKD. (If you know what that means, good for you, if not...ask me about it sometime. It's a hilarious story. It's fun for the whole faaamilyyy...freaknik lol)

I just walked into my bathroom to get my nyquill and I woke my mom up on accident and she goes "God, it feels like I JUST went to bed." "Mom....you did..." "Oh....I thought it was morning..." and we both laughed really hard.

I shouldn't care about the art shit. I'm already into college....NO STOP I CAN'T DO THIS AAAHHHH. I'm gonna end up gonna end up going to the movies tomorrow to see tame your dragon or whatever it's called. I can tell. Damnit.

I had easter dinner with Jesse's family today after a long conversation with Alex and him announcing to his family that he doesn't have a problem with Jesse and I dating anymore. So that's good. And everyone was really nice except his sisters Ashley and Aubrey. Ashley just ignored me and Aubrey shot me dirty looks and made a snide comment and then when I left they proceeded to talk about my hair and how I looked like a hot mess. FOR THE RECORD I DO NOT APPRECIATE ALL THIS SUDDEN HOSTILITY TOWARDS MY HAIR. I thought everyone liked it, and within the past week I've heard how horrible it is from like, 3 or 4 different sources. Anyway, I love his brother in law Kevin. I sit down in front of Jesse's six siblings, his mom and dad, and a few of his sibling's spouses and he takes one look at the impossible-to-conceal hickey on my neck and at the top of his voice goes 'So Cate, does Jesse bite?' and just sits there and giggles as I blush. Then for like, and hour, every now and then "So Jesse, you into vampires? You like vampires, Jesse? How do you feel about Twilight with all them vampires? Huh?" And Jesse was totally oblivious so I had to explain it to him later. I thought the whole thing was hysterical. And I like his mom. I hope she warms up to me eventually. I want her to be friends with my mom. They would get along so well. Maybe some day.

Honey you are a rock upon which I stand

I loved today. It was wonderful. Jesse came over around 11 to help me clean my house. We got a little bit of cleaning done, which is more than what I expected us to do. We kept getting distracted and we spent a good amount of time laying around and talking.

MOUSEGIRL AND ANGE: I have a new hilarious story for you. Holy God. It's...yeah. It takes the cake. Legit.

Today was also great because I got to eat all of my favorite foods: Perogi pizza, chocolate milk, a smiley face cookie, pork and sauerkraut, and mashed potatoes.

Jesse also washed my car and my mom's car. We had an epic water battle with freezing hose water (Which nobody wants) which I won when I stuck the hose down the back of his pants. hahahaha I show no mercy. And after dinner we watched Forrest Gump.

The only problem with today was when Jesse explained to me the way the marines worked. He'll leave for boot camp in June for 3 months that I'll be allowed to send him one letter a week and visa versa. Then after 10 days leave he'll go to marine training for 6 months at Paris Island. I don't think he'll get leave except for holidays maybe. I'm not sure. Then he'll be in some other training for 2 years in California I think and then he'll be deployed to whatever war zone where he wants to basically be a grunt and do reconnaissance. That'll be 9 months in war, 6 months home for God only knows how long. I'm so worried for him.

I hate how parents complain that we don't tell them things and then when we do they get so upset.

That party last night was awful crazy I wish we taped it.

It really wasn't crazy, but I had fun. Except when I had to pee and when I got thrown off the couch and we didn't have a place to crash. But I know all the words to I Love College and I had Jesse to sleep on and walk with. We heckled people playing street hockey at midnight. They missed the goal and I told them they sucked. And I laughed till Jesse dragged me off.

Fact: When someone offers you gatorade at a time of need, accepting it is probably your best life choice.

I'll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new

You are the slutty whore to my dirty mistress.

You are still my person.

I'm here for you if ya need me bud.