What else can I be?

I am so impatient. I hate it that I cant drive my FRIGGEN CAR. (Which I am, by the way, totally and irrevocably in love with.) Like, I practiced for two hours, maybe...I just wish I was better at it. I still stall, and it makes loud noises because the muffler is crap and the engine is messed up, and I shift at the wrong time sometimes. I hate not being perfect at things immediately. It's my car and I want to drive it NOW.

My mom let me skip school today so I could pick up the car with her and get a general idea of how to drive it. I love it so much. I can't wait till I'm comfortable driving it. I can't wait to take it off-roading.

In my lack of ability to drive it, I cleaned my jeep for hours today. Then I crawled in the back seat and layed down and read for hours. The back seat, I am pleased to report, is extremely comfortable (heeeeeeey hahaha)

I want to go to the drive in so bad. I hope that on saturday after the SATs (Which I haven't studied for...) I can get together with Cameron so he can help me drive a stick. Maybe I can convince him to take me...hmmm....

I can't go to ASP. I can't miss that many days of work. I'm really upset. Next year...hopefully.

Lalala post secret:

I can taste you on my lips and smell you on my clothes

I'm so out of it. I have the AP test coming up as well as the SATs. I couldn't tell you the date of either. I haven't studied. It's way too nice out for me to be able to concentrate.

I'm so content with just kind of floating through life right now. Like, yesterday, I went swimming at flatrock. I swang at Legion Keener. I made $20 mowing the lawn. This past weekend, I hung out with Cameron. We rode quads and went swimming in a lake that we found. I'm just having fun and not really that worried about the consequences to be perfectly honest.

I've been looking at cars to buy. It's looking like it's going to be a red jeep wrangler. The one I'm seriously considering is a '97. It's pretty cheep but it may need a new moter. Luckly, I have redneck friends that would love to install it for me if I buy the moter. It's an automatic. I need to learn how to drive a stick...Cameron said he would teach me. I'm excited.

I really like hanging out with Cameron. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that it's a little...unhealthy. I'm not planning on compromising my values and limits. I'm planning on having fun and learning how to drive an automatic.

Wind me up and watch me spin

I want to go to Bonnaroo so bad. I'm thinking that I can request off work....UGH I HATE MY JOB. If I hadn't accepted the STUPID Idlewild job....I could go to all the concerts that I want. The fact that I can't get off for everything that I want to be off for really makes me sad. I think I'm really gonna resent my job for the simple reason that all I want to do is go to Warped tour and Bonnaroo and Green Day and ASP and a ton of other stuff that I doubt I'm gonna be able to go to. Like, Springsteen, Phish, Elvis Costello, Wilco, Bon Iver, Gomez....four days of music, art, and thousands of like-minded people. I feel like I neeeeeeed to go. The other problem is that ticket prices are through the roof. They're like, roughly $300. A little too rich for my blood. I wish they were as cheap as like...woodstock. haha. $18, but most people got in for free.

Maybe I'll save up all next year and go next summer. haha

I've decided I'm getting my belly button pierced. I don't care if it looks trashy. I want it, and if I don't get it, I'm just gonna be mad at myself. Hopefully my mom will take me to get it done tonight. I'm excited.

I talked with Kaleb today. We're not dating anymore..although I would hardly call our relationship dating. Whatever. I feel a lot better. A little guilty, but I'll get over it.

Lalalaaaa.....I'm excited for tomorrow. Hopefully the weather is going to be lovely and we can swim at Patty's Hole.

I wish I could go back in time and go to the Foo Fighters concert now that I'm like totally in love with so many more of their songs.

Post Secrets that I love:

When you stop dreaming it's time to die

I spent my afternoon off school today listening to The Beatles and painting. I'm painting this thing for my mom for Mother's day. It's a landscape. It's a field with a fence and a stormy sky and a little clear bit of blue between some clouds. It's sort of how the sky looked today. It's ugly a little, but it's growing on me. It's my first canvas and it makes me happy. I painted in my Rolling Stones shirt and listened to The Beatles. I felt very bohemian.

I wish I was satisfied with me.
I wish I had some deep dramatic story.
I wish I wasn't afraid of looking like a poser.
I wish I could force myself to say what I need to.
I wish I could listen to music for forever.
I wish I was more dynamic.
I wish I could force myself to make the phone call I want to.
I wish I was better at painting and guitar.
I wish I could just watch the world go by for a little and not participate.

Silence tells me secretly everything

So, I'm in love with Post Secret. Every Sunday, I set aside like, 5 minutes to get on the site and look at all the Sunday secrets. I periodically go to bookstores and check the Post Secret books for secrets shoved in between the pages....I was successful once and I still have the secret, and the book it was placed in. Anyway, I've also sent in a few post secrets, and I have a list of secrets that are waiting to be made into postcards and shipped off to Germantown, Maryland.

I made my most recent post secret today. Although I can't say what it is (seeing as the point of post secret is that it's a secret) just know that the postcard is a picture that's a little scandalous. It's fabulous and it's just what I want. Plus, it has this really artistic aspect to it that turned out really well. Anyway, I took the picture up to the counter at Walmart to pay for it, and the picture guy was all like 'I have to examine the picture really fast to make sure you're not making copies of professional material.' And I was like 'oookay...' and the guy saw it, and for the rest of the transaction, didn't make eye contact with me once. It was actually kind of superb. I loved it.

Speaking of being an exhibitionist, I have a new favorite hobby- stripping to my underwear and dancing around my room to "Baby Got Back." It is so much friggen' fun. I recommend it to everyone. Along with this, I have a new goal in life- to learn all the words to that song.

I forgot how much I loved Shakespeare. I read Sonnet 116 and I remembered. Then I read Romeo's soliloquy right before he kills himself (when he thinks Juliet is dead) and I remembered...again. I need to read more Shakespeare. It's so beautiful if you understand. Unfortunately, teachers don't explain it well enough for it to be meaningful.

I have a book called Filthy Shakespeare. It basically explains some of Billy's sexual puns that we don't pick up on today quite as easily. Wow. Shakespeare was pretty much a sex fiend. I've decided.

Yesterday I slept for about 12 hours because I was so stressed. It's starting to get a little better...but not by much.

One last breath before I close my eyes

So...I'm having this problem.

Kaleb asked me out. And I said yes. I didn't mean to. But it happened. It was just that like, he took me by suprise and I was really shocked.

I shouldn't have said yes because Kaleb is such a nice kid. And I'm not. And he's gonna treat me like I'm the best thing to ever happen to him. In fact, he already does. And I am not the best thing that ever happened to him. I know this for a fact. He doesn't know me. The real me. Because if he knew the real me he probably wouldn't want to be around me, and I wouldn't blame him. I don't want to be treated like something I'm not. I don't deserve that.

I don't want to ruin our friendship. And I'm afraid that it will. At least, that's what my experiences dictate.

He isn't my type. As lame and cliche as that sounds, I just don't feel anything. No butterflies. There should be butterflies. There isn't.

I'm going to have to tell him that I made a mistake.
God, I hate myself. I hate everything right now. I can't deal with all this stress. I wish everything would stop. I wish I could just make it all stop.

I'm so angry. So angry. I don't even know what to do with myself.

I'm really glad that I'm hanging out with Alec tonight. Like really glad. Because I don't trust myself.
I'm also glad (a little) that Katie Shannon is still on her way home from New York. otherwise I'd totally be with her, hopefully on my way to a party.

Because when I'm mad, I listen to loud music and I drive too fast and I let my imagination run wild about all the self destructive things I could be doing.

At least Mousegirl cares. Thanks Katie.

I'm so over everyone. I don't know why I bother. They don't care. They don't act like they even want me there or care that I leave. But then when I'm gone its another great excuse to yell at Cate and tell Cate what a bitch she is and talk about Cate behind her back. Yeah, well, I'm done with that. I can't believe I've WASTED so much time worrying about if we're ever going to be close anymore. Yeah well, if the 'we' includes me, then the answer is no. Not like it makes a difference at all.

No Day But Today

So RENT was pretty much fantastic last night. Like....really. It was so good. Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp were awesome. It was so cool because RENT made Broadway history, and they originated the roles. I loved every minute of it. Plus, Mr. Krack and Craig were there in the second row, and they had an empty seat next to them, so for act two I sat by Dan and we both cried. haha.

RENT always makes me cry. In act two, when Angel dies, Collins sings "I'll Cover You (Reprise)" and it's so soulful and deep and sad and beautiful. Any time that I was going through anything tough in my life like, ever, I would listen to that if I just wanted to just cry about it.

Then came "Halloween" which Anthony Rapp sings. It's about how he doesn't understand how so much could happen in just one year. "Why our entire year strewn on the cutting room floor of memory with single frames from one magic night forever flicker in close up on the 3-D imax of my mind" jumps out to me a a great lyric, and it always spoke to me, especially this past year when so much changed for everyone. And even before that "Halloween" meant a lot to me because my Baba died on Halloween, and when I found out he'd died I went and listened to that song.

Then, after Angel dies, at her funeral, all the friends start to argue. Collins, Angel's lover, breaks in and says "I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe you're going. I can't believe this family must die. Angel helped us believe in love. I can't believe you disagree. I can't believe this is goodbye." last night when Collins sang that, it struck me how much it pertained to me. Zach left. Theresa and Amber are next. Our friends who we said were our family have fallen apart. Its so sad.

Anyway, enough about how I'm emotionally attached to RENT. haha. The Mimi was fantastic, she was even better than the original Mimi in my opinion. And she was sooo pretty. Maureen was hysterical. "Over the Moon" was great. I loved it. I went nuts Mooing. The people next to me must of thought I was insane because I was like, hyperventilating when La Vie Boheme started. This was also the best Angel I've ever seen. The only principle I wasn't crazy for Joanne, but by the end of the show she'd grown on me a little. Maureen was so skinny. Holy crap. Like...she was literally nothing.

I wish I could watch it a million more times. And the movie just isn't gonna cut it. I realize I'm a dork, but RENT has significance to me. I love it...I'd forgotten how much I loved it until I saw it live....again. haha.

Sarced heart, sarcred ground

I just played guitar under my tree for the first time this year. I'm so content.

You pick one and hope it takes you to Mars

I wrote one of these last January, and Katie just wrote one, but I think I'd like to write it again.

I'm pretty much positive that you hate me.
You are actaully retarded. I'm pretty sure if we tested you for your IQ, it would just say "asshole"
I love that I can tell you every insignificant detail of my life...and that you listen to me, and make comments on my stories.
I wish you didn't care about him so much, because I had a lot of fun at your house that day.
I've moved on.
I'm really excited about the fact that we're so close. I love you to death.
I hate your dog. I actually want to strangle it. I think I might.
I think you're overly dramatic and self centered sometime.
You still think you know me. You don't know shit.
I think you're compromising your personality by dating him.
You lied to me. You said I was your best friend and you lied. I hate you for it. I'm not kidding when I call you a dick.
You're an absolutely amazing person. I'm so excited that we've become friends.
I wish we were still as close as we used to be. I really miss it.
I still think you're one of the coolest people that I've ever met.
I wish I knew you better.
I would love to follow you around all day and observe you because you're so interesting.
I wish I knew how to help you.
I miss you.
Screw them. I'm here for you.
I don't know what i'm going to do about you.
I partially blame you for who I am.
I think you look funny.
You're annoying.
You deserve better.
I still feel terrible about what I did to you. I think I will forever.

Let's take these rumors and let's put them to bed

So, last year, I almost went to boarding school with my friend Molly. It's this school out in Hershey PA and I would have gone there for the last three years of high school, and I would have only been home to visit four times a year. I decided not to go, and I'm really glad, because I've met some amazing people and made great friends. Although I'm sure there would have been pleanty of nice people to meet up at boarding school....I kind of don't care. haha

Anyway, Molly is home on one of her four home visits. She's staying over tonight and coming to school with me tomorrow. I'm pretty excited about it. I always forget how much I miss her until I see her. Then its like we just saw each other yesterday. I love it.

I was talking with her tonight after we went and got Dairy Queen. And we were like "oh my god listen what happened....." and "oh wait I forgot to tell you..." "Holy crap, you didn't know?!?" and so on. So much has happened since the last time we could actually sit and talk. It was kind of nuts. We've both really grown up...a lot. It pretty much blows my mind in hind sight of our conversation so we could get caught up. Like...I can't even believe how different we both are.

Ripped open by metal explosions

I'm getting really annoyed with technology. I hate how people would prefer to text rather than talk on the phone, and how people prefer to talk on the phone over talking face to face. I'm sorry, but I absolutely hate it. I really miss the value of talking face to face with people. Like, I have plans to go talk with someone...but my mom's like freaking out because she thinks I should just talk on the phone. No. Because then you miss subtle expressions and body language. It makes conversation so much colder and more difficult. It's easier to lie over the phone and it's harder to tell if someone is telling the truth. And if it wasn't for freaking facebook my stupid research paper would be done.

Speaking of my paper. Never again will I be like "Oh, I'm going to write to argue the responsibility of christians for the homeless of america in a 5-8 page 300 point paper because it's interesting and will be FUN." because IT'S NOT FUN. I picked a topic that actually means something to me and that I'm taking personally and it's driving me CRAZY.

I've been on a salad kick lately. (not to jump subjects or anything...) I used to hate salad, but now, it's like, all I want. I'm pretty excited to make dinner because i'm making myself a tossed caesar salad with grilled chicken. With summer coming up I really should just like, skip dinner and tough it out, but....I really want a salad...

My headphones broke. My mother won't let me go buy new ones, so I have these craptastic giant old ones that, in their defence, have awesome sound quality, but are likewise falling apart and take up too much room.

The song on the guitar (which is actually a lot earier than I origionally thought) is coming along nicely. now I'm just working on singing and playing it, which normally isn't hard at all for me, but the lyrics have this weird syncopation to them. It sounds cool but it's difficult.

Now it's time to dream and dream how wonderful your life will be

You know how sometimes you'll have a favorite song, but you'll wear it out listening to it a zillion times? But then after you move on for a while and then you hear it again you remember why you loved it so much in the first place? And it just touches you all over again? I think that's the best feeling in the world.

I'm so tired that my eyes are bloodshot, which has never happened to me before. I looked in the mirror and I was a little freaked out, not gonna lie.

You know how sometimes you'll wake up in the morning and the covers are perfect and your pillow is really soft and in just the right place and you're warm and it's all nice? And for me it smells nice and my ipod's on really quiet and it's a nice song and I'm nice and cozy. I love that. That happened today....then my mom came in and told me I was late and had to get up. I actually cried.

I'm not sleeping again. I'm not sure why but I just can't get to sleep. I think I just have a lot on my mind. I wish I could sort it all out.

I've reached a point in life that I hate school and my friends exhaust me and I find joy in life in rediscovering songs that I forgot I loved. All in all it isn't a terrible existance. Not that exciting, but it'll do.

Short of breath...walking proudly in our winter coats....

So my homework that I was supposed to do for today still isn't done. But i'm okay with it, because with the time that I was supposed to be writing my draft (as well as the time spent skipping school to get the draft done/avoid the teacher for whose class it is for) I instead spent practicing my guitar. Actually, I found this video of this guy in Hair just sitting in his dressing room playinghis guitar and singing. So I taught myself the song. And I'm really proud of myself because 1) I haven't learned anything new in a while that was actually challenging 2) I really like the song 3) It's all bar (or is it barre?) chords, in both formations, and 4) I didn't give up on it. It doesn't sound that great yet, but I plan on perfecting it. Unfortuantely, I think that the song that he's playing in the video is something that he wrote himself and didn't record so I can't hear the whole thing or listen to a recording of it or know exactly what the lyrics are since the video quality isn't all that hot. SO I'm kind of on my own on this one, which is fine, because I need to force myself to get better otherwise I'm never going to. I mean, I'm never going to be good, but I'd like to at least be competent.

Hair is back on Broadway. I'm so excited. Like, I feel like such a musical theater dork, but it's my favorite show and it means the world to me since it impacted me so greatly when I did it a few years ago. If I don't get to see it, I am going to be totally devistated. And I don't think I'm gonna get to go...because tickets are really expensive and since my mom lost her job we can't afford wicked expensive tickets. And like, I would be satisified being in the last row, but I read on the show's site that if you're on the floor you can go up and dance on stage if you so chose to do so, which I woul so choose to do. Without a doubt. That would be the coolest thing ever.

I wanna be on Braodway someday...and among the many roles that I dream of playing, Shelia in Hair is one of them.

Today I realized that the reason that I love Rufus Wainwright so mch is because when I had my jaw surgery nobody came to visit me when I was in the hospital for 4 days. And nobody came to visit me when I was stuck at home for 2 weeks. So all I could do was listen to Rufus Wainwright because he wasn't too depressing, but he was calm and mellow and just what I needed considering how highly medicated I was. It's actually very sad. It really upsets me when I think about it that not one person came to visit me in what was by far one of the worst situations of my life. Sometimes I wish I was stuck in the hospital again just to see who would come visit me.

I'll let you sink right in

I hate being ignored. More than anything in the whole wide world. I love attention and I thrive on it. And the thing is that I get ignored all the time. Like, I'll get close to someone and it'll be good until something happens and I'm of no use anymore and they move on. Which sucks because I have a personality. And I have a lot of opinions and thoughts and memories and stories. But it doesn't even matter. And it hurts.

So.

Dear [Insert Name Here],

I am an amazing person. I have a fantastic personality that you would have to be legally blind to miss. However, this has never mattered to you and those like you. You are really missing out. Like....really. While you're off wasting your time, I'm over here being fantastic and awesome. I can't wait until I'm famous and you come back and try to make up for lost time and I'll be all like 'sorry. You blew it.'

Oh, and just so you know, you pretty much made my life miserable for a while there. But guess what? Just in spite of you, everything is even better than it used to be. Infact, I'm closer with some of my friends than I ever was. As for me, I have pretty deep seated emotional problems over who I am due to you, [name], and [name]. I pretty much have compromised who I am directly due to some of your actions. I also can't trust anyone- not even my best friends- because of how badly you hurt me. You probably don't even realize it, but I wish you did. And I wish you cared about me enough for it to tear you to pieces inside. But you don't. So it wouldn't even matter.

Anyway, in conclusion, I just wanted to let you know that you have inpacted my life. Each of you in some small way that was positive, but also in a negative way which seems to have far more longer lasting effects. So thanks. I hope you realize it. I can't believe that I let you hurt me as much as you did. I can't believe I fell for the lie that you cared about me as a person when you obviously don't. You, who doesn't even know my favorite color, or first memory, or probably doesn't even listen to me when I talk. I'm nothing to you be a [noun], [adjective noun], or a potential [verb].

---------------------

I wish I believed half of the things I said in there. And I wish I could really show it to the people that need to see it.

Where's your picket fence, love?

I'm currently on a blanket in my front yard laying in the sun in my bakini and typing away on my laptop and listening to my iPod. i'm pretty content. Then again, I have yet to start the homework that I intended on doing once I got out here. I have a feeling it's not gonna get done. Tanning is far more important that learning. Obviously.

I can't wait for summer. Seriously. I love being outside and I love the sun and I love being tan. I'M SO EXCITED.

I'm really glad this weekend is over. I spent a good part of it being pissed soooo I'm glad for it to be over.

Yeah this homework isn't gonna get done...

The regrets are useless in my mind

I am absolutely exhausted. I'm so not excited to go to the Rockdown tonight. I wish I could leave early, but I can't, because Gordon decided to be cool and turned me in to be put on a list of people that need to be watched so that they don't leave. I'm so epically pissed. I don't wanna stay in the school for an extra 12 hours. it's so laaaaame. And Katie's not even gonna be there. I can hang out with Alec and seth and christian and deuce and ange and them, but I have a feeling zach and alec are going to need to be seperated the whole evening. I'm wearing sweatpants and I'm taking my iPod and I'm sleeping. I can't handle drama, especially at like, 3 am when I'm already tired. Ugh.

Go or Go Ahead.

I'm so totally fed up with everyone. Like, I don't know why, but right now in this moment, there's literally like, three people that I can stand.

I'm so sick of my mom being all bitchy to me for no reason, and then when she can't give me a ride to the rock down because she has to work, is all like "I'm sorry honey." God, it just gets on my nerves. I'm so sick of people saying they're sorry for shit that they don't need to be sorry about.

If you don't want to hang out, just say so. It's okay if your tired. It's fine if you just want to stay in. But don't leave me hanging with a maybe. Just say no.

Stop being everyone's best friend. You're repulsive and spineless and it is so annoying. You claim to have been my friend but in reality, once you got what you needed, you split. You make me feel like shit. All the time. You're such a fuck. Oh, and by the way, back off Katie. You have no right to even talk to her after what you did. And now you think you can ruin her relationship with Alec? When she's finally happy? False. It's not gonna happen. If I have to personally do something about it, I won't hesitate to do so.

Alec is such an amazing human being. He is genuinely nice and good and caring. I am so lucky to have him as a friend and I can't wait to get to know him better. I cannot believe you people don't see that. How dare you treat him like you do. All he wanted was to be your friend and you people threw his friendship back in his face. He did nothing wrong.

It makes me wonder. When i see how you treat Alec to his face and behind his back, it makes me wonder what you say behind my back. It really does.

Way to be, guys. You all officially rock.