Ripped open by metal explosions

I'm getting really annoyed with technology. I hate how people would prefer to text rather than talk on the phone, and how people prefer to talk on the phone over talking face to face. I'm sorry, but I absolutely hate it. I really miss the value of talking face to face with people. Like, I have plans to go talk with someone...but my mom's like freaking out because she thinks I should just talk on the phone. No. Because then you miss subtle expressions and body language. It makes conversation so much colder and more difficult. It's easier to lie over the phone and it's harder to tell if someone is telling the truth. And if it wasn't for freaking facebook my stupid research paper would be done.

Speaking of my paper. Never again will I be like "Oh, I'm going to write to argue the responsibility of christians for the homeless of america in a 5-8 page 300 point paper because it's interesting and will be FUN." because IT'S NOT FUN. I picked a topic that actually means something to me and that I'm taking personally and it's driving me CRAZY.

I've been on a salad kick lately. (not to jump subjects or anything...) I used to hate salad, but now, it's like, all I want. I'm pretty excited to make dinner because i'm making myself a tossed caesar salad with grilled chicken. With summer coming up I really should just like, skip dinner and tough it out, but....I really want a salad...

My headphones broke. My mother won't let me go buy new ones, so I have these craptastic giant old ones that, in their defence, have awesome sound quality, but are likewise falling apart and take up too much room.

The song on the guitar (which is actually a lot earier than I origionally thought) is coming along nicely. now I'm just working on singing and playing it, which normally isn't hard at all for me, but the lyrics have this weird syncopation to them. It sounds cool but it's difficult.

Now it's time to dream and dream how wonderful your life will be

You know how sometimes you'll have a favorite song, but you'll wear it out listening to it a zillion times? But then after you move on for a while and then you hear it again you remember why you loved it so much in the first place? And it just touches you all over again? I think that's the best feeling in the world.

I'm so tired that my eyes are bloodshot, which has never happened to me before. I looked in the mirror and I was a little freaked out, not gonna lie.

You know how sometimes you'll wake up in the morning and the covers are perfect and your pillow is really soft and in just the right place and you're warm and it's all nice? And for me it smells nice and my ipod's on really quiet and it's a nice song and I'm nice and cozy. I love that. That happened today....then my mom came in and told me I was late and had to get up. I actually cried.

I'm not sleeping again. I'm not sure why but I just can't get to sleep. I think I just have a lot on my mind. I wish I could sort it all out.

I've reached a point in life that I hate school and my friends exhaust me and I find joy in life in rediscovering songs that I forgot I loved. All in all it isn't a terrible existance. Not that exciting, but it'll do.

Short of breath...walking proudly in our winter coats....

So my homework that I was supposed to do for today still isn't done. But i'm okay with it, because with the time that I was supposed to be writing my draft (as well as the time spent skipping school to get the draft done/avoid the teacher for whose class it is for) I instead spent practicing my guitar. Actually, I found this video of this guy in Hair just sitting in his dressing room playinghis guitar and singing. So I taught myself the song. And I'm really proud of myself because 1) I haven't learned anything new in a while that was actually challenging 2) I really like the song 3) It's all bar (or is it barre?) chords, in both formations, and 4) I didn't give up on it. It doesn't sound that great yet, but I plan on perfecting it. Unfortuantely, I think that the song that he's playing in the video is something that he wrote himself and didn't record so I can't hear the whole thing or listen to a recording of it or know exactly what the lyrics are since the video quality isn't all that hot. SO I'm kind of on my own on this one, which is fine, because I need to force myself to get better otherwise I'm never going to. I mean, I'm never going to be good, but I'd like to at least be competent.

Hair is back on Broadway. I'm so excited. Like, I feel like such a musical theater dork, but it's my favorite show and it means the world to me since it impacted me so greatly when I did it a few years ago. If I don't get to see it, I am going to be totally devistated. And I don't think I'm gonna get to go...because tickets are really expensive and since my mom lost her job we can't afford wicked expensive tickets. And like, I would be satisified being in the last row, but I read on the show's site that if you're on the floor you can go up and dance on stage if you so chose to do so, which I woul so choose to do. Without a doubt. That would be the coolest thing ever.

I wanna be on Braodway someday...and among the many roles that I dream of playing, Shelia in Hair is one of them.

Today I realized that the reason that I love Rufus Wainwright so mch is because when I had my jaw surgery nobody came to visit me when I was in the hospital for 4 days. And nobody came to visit me when I was stuck at home for 2 weeks. So all I could do was listen to Rufus Wainwright because he wasn't too depressing, but he was calm and mellow and just what I needed considering how highly medicated I was. It's actually very sad. It really upsets me when I think about it that not one person came to visit me in what was by far one of the worst situations of my life. Sometimes I wish I was stuck in the hospital again just to see who would come visit me.

I'll let you sink right in

I hate being ignored. More than anything in the whole wide world. I love attention and I thrive on it. And the thing is that I get ignored all the time. Like, I'll get close to someone and it'll be good until something happens and I'm of no use anymore and they move on. Which sucks because I have a personality. And I have a lot of opinions and thoughts and memories and stories. But it doesn't even matter. And it hurts.

So.

Dear [Insert Name Here],

I am an amazing person. I have a fantastic personality that you would have to be legally blind to miss. However, this has never mattered to you and those like you. You are really missing out. Like....really. While you're off wasting your time, I'm over here being fantastic and awesome. I can't wait until I'm famous and you come back and try to make up for lost time and I'll be all like 'sorry. You blew it.'

Oh, and just so you know, you pretty much made my life miserable for a while there. But guess what? Just in spite of you, everything is even better than it used to be. Infact, I'm closer with some of my friends than I ever was. As for me, I have pretty deep seated emotional problems over who I am due to you, [name], and [name]. I pretty much have compromised who I am directly due to some of your actions. I also can't trust anyone- not even my best friends- because of how badly you hurt me. You probably don't even realize it, but I wish you did. And I wish you cared about me enough for it to tear you to pieces inside. But you don't. So it wouldn't even matter.

Anyway, in conclusion, I just wanted to let you know that you have inpacted my life. Each of you in some small way that was positive, but also in a negative way which seems to have far more longer lasting effects. So thanks. I hope you realize it. I can't believe that I let you hurt me as much as you did. I can't believe I fell for the lie that you cared about me as a person when you obviously don't. You, who doesn't even know my favorite color, or first memory, or probably doesn't even listen to me when I talk. I'm nothing to you be a [noun], [adjective noun], or a potential [verb].

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I wish I believed half of the things I said in there. And I wish I could really show it to the people that need to see it.

Where's your picket fence, love?

I'm currently on a blanket in my front yard laying in the sun in my bakini and typing away on my laptop and listening to my iPod. i'm pretty content. Then again, I have yet to start the homework that I intended on doing once I got out here. I have a feeling it's not gonna get done. Tanning is far more important that learning. Obviously.

I can't wait for summer. Seriously. I love being outside and I love the sun and I love being tan. I'M SO EXCITED.

I'm really glad this weekend is over. I spent a good part of it being pissed soooo I'm glad for it to be over.

Yeah this homework isn't gonna get done...

The regrets are useless in my mind

I am absolutely exhausted. I'm so not excited to go to the Rockdown tonight. I wish I could leave early, but I can't, because Gordon decided to be cool and turned me in to be put on a list of people that need to be watched so that they don't leave. I'm so epically pissed. I don't wanna stay in the school for an extra 12 hours. it's so laaaaame. And Katie's not even gonna be there. I can hang out with Alec and seth and christian and deuce and ange and them, but I have a feeling zach and alec are going to need to be seperated the whole evening. I'm wearing sweatpants and I'm taking my iPod and I'm sleeping. I can't handle drama, especially at like, 3 am when I'm already tired. Ugh.

Go or Go Ahead.

I'm so totally fed up with everyone. Like, I don't know why, but right now in this moment, there's literally like, three people that I can stand.

I'm so sick of my mom being all bitchy to me for no reason, and then when she can't give me a ride to the rock down because she has to work, is all like "I'm sorry honey." God, it just gets on my nerves. I'm so sick of people saying they're sorry for shit that they don't need to be sorry about.

If you don't want to hang out, just say so. It's okay if your tired. It's fine if you just want to stay in. But don't leave me hanging with a maybe. Just say no.

Stop being everyone's best friend. You're repulsive and spineless and it is so annoying. You claim to have been my friend but in reality, once you got what you needed, you split. You make me feel like shit. All the time. You're such a fuck. Oh, and by the way, back off Katie. You have no right to even talk to her after what you did. And now you think you can ruin her relationship with Alec? When she's finally happy? False. It's not gonna happen. If I have to personally do something about it, I won't hesitate to do so.

Alec is such an amazing human being. He is genuinely nice and good and caring. I am so lucky to have him as a friend and I can't wait to get to know him better. I cannot believe you people don't see that. How dare you treat him like you do. All he wanted was to be your friend and you people threw his friendship back in his face. He did nothing wrong.

It makes me wonder. When i see how you treat Alec to his face and behind his back, it makes me wonder what you say behind my back. It really does.

Way to be, guys. You all officially rock.