I'm starting to doubt things. Pretty major things, actually.
Our friendship, for one. I thought I meant more to you than that. I guess not.
I'm wondering if I'm in the right place. And if I'm doing the right thing.
I'm wondering if I've changed too much. Or if I've developed a mask, which is something that I swore I'd never do again. I blame my room mates.
I wish I could just take acting every single day. I don't wanna take voice and speech for actors or movement for actors...I wanna just wanna act, damnit. I wanna paint too. And I wanna tap dance. And I wanna write. But on my terms. I'm sick of my writing class. I wanna take creative writing. Why do I have to take academic writing as an acting major? When am I ever gonna write a research paper or any of that shit? Never.
The only thing I'm certain of is my future with Jesse. And I'm certain of the fact that it's exactly what I want.
I used you in my acting class the other day. We had to say something that we want to say to someone but can't. I said I didn't know who you were anymore. I had to say it over and over and pull on my teacher's arm and struggle and scream and fight and cry and it really made me think about how much I miss the old you. I'm sorry I haven't done much to help you. I don't think you'd accept my help even if I offered it, to be perfectly honest.
I'm sick of people making me feel like nothing exciting will ever happen to me ever again. I'm still 18. Stop making me feel like I should just put on a frock and crawl into my death bed. I'm happier than you are. But you're really making me feel ugly. So just leave me alone.
And in case you were wondering, I'm here for you bud. If you should fall you know I'll be there...I love you.
The way that the light is hitting my fish tank makes my fish look like they're from a dream sequence....it's kinda beautiful. I've just been watching them swim around....
