And no-one sings me lullabies And no-one makes me close my eyes And so I throw the windows wide And call to you across the sky

"Try not to be too nice to me, okay?"

"Why?"

"It makes me nervous."

"You're actually a quiet person you know."

"I know."

"You're good at fooling people into thinking

you're outgoing...but the real you is quiet and

subtle and reserved. I know you better than

them, wether you want to believe it or not.

Because you've been forced to let me into

places in your head that you don't let other

people even imagine exist."

"Fuck my redemption I don't want to

be redeemed. I regret nothing."

"Borderline personality disorder. An instability

of self image, relationships, and mood...

uncertain about goals, impulsive in activities

that are self damaging, such as causual sex."

"I like that."

"Social contrairness and a generally pessimistic

attitude are often observed...Well, that's me."

"That's everyone."

"With enough courage you can

do without a reputation."

Pirate skulls and bones...Sticks and stones and weed and bombs

Last night should have been the best sleep of my life. I finally got my electric blanket out of the attic so I wasn't freezing and I have Egyptian cotton sheets that I got for Christmas to sleep on. By the way, if you've never experienced Egyptian cotton, you need to get on that, because it's fabulous. It's so soft. It makes me think of Uptown Girl...how Brittney Murphy's character loves Egyptian cotton sheets....but remember when she buys really expensive ones? Yeah, that's false.....these sheets were like, $30 at the mall and they're amazing. Anyway, I was also slightly drunk seeing as on Holidays my family drinks all day long...not a lot, just gradually all day. That egg nog they sell at Walmart definitely has some kick to it. So considering these things, I should have slept like the dead. No. I didn't. I woke up like a million times and had all these weird dreams.

Christmas was really good this year. I got to spend time with my family and I'm gonna get to see my friends... assuming I can get people to come get me. I'm grounded from the car. I came home the other night and I smelled like smoke...and so did the car. so now I'm in trouble. But I'm not worried about it....I can get rides.

I got a lot of really good presents. I GOT HOT FUSS and I've listened to it like, 5 times already. the only sad part is that "Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll" isn't on there, and its on the older vinyls....and that's my favorite Killers song, I think. So I might still buy the expensive one, because my mom got this one for $15 at Hot Topic. And it came with a t-shirt. And Sticky Fingers didn't have the zipper on the front....my mom refuses to believe me that he was a boner on the cover which is why the album cover was such a problem when it was released. I was like 'uuuhhh....it's as plain as day...I'm pretty sure you've seen a boner before mom.' and I was sent to my room. hahahaha

I also got an official Fleury jersey and a lucky brand bag from my grandma...and money. Kayla got me Tuck Everlasting soundtrack and I like, stoped breathing when I opened it. For reals. (I've noticed I do that often...haha I stopped breathing when I saw Hot Fuss in Hot Topic.) My mom got me those albums, plus atom heart mother on vinyl, an external CD drive since the internal one on my laptop is broken, clothes, a Victoria's secret tote bag that I'm pretty sure she plans on using because she's wild about it, and Scottish breakfast tea that was quite good. And my Egyptian cotton sheets and other little stuff.

My Dad gave me a hideous stuffed animal frog, a tiny junky rhinestone bracelet that I can hardly fit around my wrist (which is fairly small) and can't wear anyway because I'm allergic to nickle, and a clunky plastic watch from the dollar store. That was like, the first present from him that I opened on Christmas since I was 9 or something, and honestly I would have rather received nothing. He didn't even try. Trying to get me a thoughtful gift would have been a Beatles Cd or new strings for my guitar. He knows I play the guitar and he knows I love The Beatles. Even if they would have been the wrong strings or I already had the CD it wouldn't have mattered. And I got him a really nice gift that is personal and mature. So I didn't call him yesterday. And he didn't call me either. So we're probably back to doing this again. We're both stubborn as hell and I refuse to call him. And don't think it's about the present. It's not. It's that I'm sick of him not acting like a Dad. He still hasn't apologized for abandoning me for years and ignoring me, and I haven't forgotten. And he hasn't apologized for what he said about my Baba, the man who was more of a dad to me than Tommie ever will be.

My mom has to be at work in a half an hour, so she'll probably leave in 15 minutes. I've been pretending to be asleep so I don't have to get yelled at this morning because I made her really mad last night. I don't remember what I did. I'm sure it was terrible. So when she leaves I'm gonna go paint and work on all my art crap I have to do over break. I need to do my portfolio prep painting, my human figure painting, an eraser portrait, two views of the human head, and a paper on Derek Hess. ugh.

But it's all alright because TONIGHT IS GONNA BE AMAZINGGGGGG!!!!!!! clusterfuck '09, as it has been dubbed, is going to be so much fun. I'm so excited.

Apologies from me. This is nothing that I want you to see

I pulled out a muscle in my lower back again. Oh well. I got to stay home from school. I MUST study for the Alive test today. I was supposed to take it last Wednesday. so I came to school late. Then I had the preview on Thursday and Friday I just didn't mention it to Duda. So I skipped today. I need need need need to study.

Last night I stayed up until 3 watching House of 1000 Corpses. That movie's so fucked up.

I haven't eaten pancakes in years. Then all of a sudden I'm eating pancakes all the time. Not even on purpose. It's just happening that way. I'm okay with it. Pancakes are tasty.

I've joined a gym. I love it. It makes me feel better about myself.

I'm so close to getting my tattoo. 54 days until I'm 18... counting today, and my birthday.

WYEP is an excellent radio station as far as I'm concerned. Especially the Friday Night Mix.

Jessica bought me a St. Jude medal. He's the patron saint of lost causes. It's on the same chain as my ankh now.

Last night, Gwen broke down sort of. She was being all bitchy if we would try to accelerate above 15 miles an hour. The entire way home I held my St Jude medal and prayed out of pure terror. We hit 50 on the way home and we were fine. Just saying.

I thought I'd lost something really important. I found it last night. I am so excited about it.

I started talking to this guy on facebook. And he lives in Pittsburgh. And he's cool and all but I don't really know him. And he texts me constantly. I dunno. It's just a little strange to me I guess.

My play went really well. I'm really sad it's over though. That's the last play I'll ever do at the high school.

I need to start concentrating on school more. I have a lot to get done. I'm starting to get behind. This isn't going to be a very relaxing day...

You just annoy me now. I used to be all about you. Now you just get on my nerves.

I love our half baked schemes, CDs, and ridiculous conversations. Unordinarily gay.

You make me nervous sometimes.

Sometimes when I'm with you I feel like there's a big elephant in the room. We both know what it is.

Wow, I still miss you. Seeing you the other day at the mall made me wish things had gone differently. Now we don't even talk anymore. That dumb T-Pain song makes me think of you.

I still think you're one of the coolest people ever.

Stop trying so hard.