Biting the flesh from your finger you know I just cant seem to help myself

Just about anyone that knows me knows that I have fairly low self confidence... I can hide it pretty well, but it's still an issue. Anyway. I've found that any sort of fueling that I get that makes me feel any better about myself comes from others. ***In no way am I fishing for compliments by writing this.*** This is a problem, I realize, but it's a fact of my life all the same. James isn't the type of person that compliments, I guess. He never told me he liked the shows or that I looked nice or that he thought I was pretty. I just wish he acted like he liked me. I dunno. It makes me feel like he's dating me for convienence since his best friend and my best friend from work are dating one another and the four of us hang out all the time. Its probably not the case at all. It just bothers me. It makes me feel shallow that it bothers me. I'm not sure what to do about it.

If you didn't care what happened to me and I didn't care for you

So Wiggles and I are dating. I'm really excited about it because he's so nice to me and seems to genuinely have my best interests at heart. I just wish he'd trust himself a little more...he claims to make terrible decisions (which to be totally honest, I don't doubt) so in fear of messing something up, refuses to make decisions. Its better than being over controlling, which I was a little worried about (and still am in the back of my mind) simply because he was a Marine, and for four years had to reprogram his brain so that he was in charge. But as of right now, it's fine. He's cool with me going to hang out with my friends, despite the fact that the majority of them are boys.

I wish he'd let me call him James, because it's my favorite name for a boy. In my mind, that's what I call him. He says he doesn't like James because it doesn't feel like him name since he's had a few different ones over the years through the various orphanages/adoptive families he's been in. So like....at least it's a legit reason.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Idlewild to ride Mr. Roger's trolly with my mom since we ride it together every year. Then Wiggles and Luca are coming up and I'm gonna ride some rides with them. My goal for the day is to take a lot of pictures. 

I hope I can sleep over with Ange, Mouse, and Theresa tomorrow night. If not I'll hang out with James. :)

I'm so excited about my lap top from Brian. Its got a few things wrong with it, but I don't care. I love it. Although now I'm just enabled to stay up till 3 playing with it...

There ain't no need to go outside

I'm a pretty firm believer that every single person has a thing that they're meant to do. Some people are meant to be teachers. Some people are supposed to be pastors. Some people are supposed to be garbage collectors. For whatever reason, certain people have certain skills that dictate what jobs they should do. And you know what I love? When people are called to do something and they take it and run with it. Like my mechanic for my jeep, Mike. He wasn't meant to play in a band or write a book. He was supposed to fix cars. And instead of trying to fight it, he opened his own garage and fixes cars. And he's a really nice guy that likes what he does and doesn't try to rip people off. Like today. When I went to pick up my jeep, I told him that I'd forgotten that I'd blown the fuse that makes my cigarette lighter work, so I couldn't listen to my iPod. He showed me where both the fuse boxes were and gave me a fuse for free, on top of the new clutch that he'd thrown in with the engine since mine was about shot.

So I guess what I've decided is that if you're meant to direct movies, be a director. If you're meant to be a principal, do it. If you're meant to be a car mechanic, you be the best damn car mechanic that's out there. Because if I ever make it in acting and have enough money for it, I'm gonna find Mike and buy him a wrangler...because he told me he wanted one.
Do what you're supposed to do, and do it well.

Down beside that red firelight

Last night, Andie, Luca, Wiggles, and I all went up to the graveyard. We kind of just laid around up on the hill on a blanket and talked and looked at the stars. Andie and Luca left around 11 to go back to Andie's apartment. So James and I stayed for another hour. It was really nice. He told me he's liked me for a while, which is why he's been coming to our shows. And he told me he wanted a relationship. So I'm pretty happy.

Then we went to Eat and Park and this bat shit crazy waitress gave us a whole plate full of applesauce and a tiny little side plate of mashed potatoes. She was a little confused, I think.

Apparently today I'm to be hanging out with Seth and then going shopping in Pittsburgh with Brendan...although I don't know if he still wants to go after the big fight at work yesterday. Brian's been spreading all these rumors about Andie, and everyone got all worked up, and Julia yelled at me too and called me a pathological liar...so there was a point that none of us were talking to one another...except me and Andie, who "are still happily in love" as she put it. haha

You wanna know something sad? I used to love the name Julia. Now it reminds me of her and I hate it.

Is it out of line if I were to be bold and say would you be mine?

Work today is going to be no fun whatsoever. Andie's going to Kennywood... Luca and Wiggles (our two new friends) are both off, and I'll be stuck with Julia. And doing Ricky. UGH.

Last night I was at Eat and Park with Andie, Luca, and Wiggles and I saw Ande, Lorris, Theresa, Chrissy, and Sam. I went over to say hi and it felt a little hostile. It was weird.

I wanted to do the summer thing so I could get closer to Jesus. I was told that they would find a way that I could be there. Guess it doesn't matter that I'm not close to Jesus anymore. Whatever. I'm over it. I just don't really feel a need to come back to church once my job is done. There isn't much of a point. I'm just tired of talking and thinking about it.

I hate not being able to say what I want with fear of offending someone. Because I know who reads this.

Oh what a world my parents gave me

I'm done being unhappy. Last night I remembered what it was like to have fun with my friends. As of today, I'm doing something about it. Things are going to change.

In Ciberland we only drink....Diet Coke

Stephen turned out to be a stalker. haha. Soooo I'm not quite sure what I'm gonna do. He texts constantly and gets jealous if I talk to the guy in the lemonade stand, and follows me around, and waits for me at the stage door. And the more that I think about it, the more I realize that it isn't okay that he's gonna be a teacher, and I'm gonna be a senior in high school.

Last night at work there was like, nobody in the audience. So we just screwed around the whole time. It was fun. It's to a point that even if there is an audience, we carry on full conversations on stage. I love it.

I made a new friend yesterday. (haha I sound like I'm three) Her name is Skye. She saw my family force 5 shirt and we started talking about them. She's going to Geneva to be a youth pastor. She's really cool and I'm really excited I met her.


There's this guy at work that Julia likes. We figured out his name is Kyle. He sits in the break room and smokes and watches us walk by. I'm gonna talk to him today. He's way too bad ass to be Julia's type. She can have Stephen. haha

I think I'm gonna get a sparrow tattoo on my right hip. I decided last night on the way home from work....while listening to "Free Bird" *cringe*

I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints

Last night I went on a date with this guy form work. His name's Stephen. He's 24 and he's starting his first year as a math teacher at a school in Virgina this fall. He's really nice, and he really likes me- I can tell. He's like, really polite and sweet. He pulled out my chair for me and asked me questions and complimented me. It was really nice. It was nice to be around someone that appreciated me. Tonight after work there's a mini golf thing for Idlewild people. I think I'm gonna do that with Stephen.

So I found out yesterday that my friend Matt is dating two girls right now. And he has four other girls 'lined up.' I think I'm considered as one of those girls. That's like...not okay. Because I'm not gonna date him or whatever it would be considered. That's ridiculous.

I miss last summer. We were so close. I can't wait for school to start. I'm tired of summer. I never get to see my friends. At least in school I'll see them.