when you try your best but you don't succeed

I'm constantly annoyed and frustrated because I'm so stressed and worried about Jesse. I'm hungry because I'm doing weight watchers and I was stupid today and ate a salad that the dressing alone was worth 5 of my 24 daily point allowance. I'm tired but I can't sleep without nightmares. I want to move away but I don't want to be all alone. I'm so lonely but when I get around people I want to be alone.

It's only been a month since Jesse left. I'm moving to North Carolina in another month or so. How can it feel like time is crawling and yet flying by all at once?

the truth is I miss you.

Last night I couldn't sleep because I had too many nightmares. I'm so tired and I'm so stressed out. I'm busy like, every minute of the day. When I'm not at work, I'm at school, or tutoring, or planning wedding stuff, or doing homework. I'm trying to get accepted to ECU but they won't accept me unless I have a math credit and they won't accept my math credit because they looked at my syllabus and it covers everything except logarithms, which are really important to an acting major. I write Jesse a letter a day but by the time I have time to sit and write it, I'm so tired that I fall asleep half way through. I miss him so much that I can't even put it into words. When I think about the danger that he's in and the horrible things that he's seen and the things he's had to do it breaks my heart. I would give anything in the world...anything...just to be able to hug him and tell him that no matter what he has to do and no matter what happens I still love him. But I can't. I can't hug him or see him or call him. I can just write him with no guarantee that he'll even get the letters I send. I want to send him another care package, but everything he needs gets so expensive and I don't have a lot of money in my account. Plus a lot of the time the stuff gets stolen and after talking to Jesse's dad last night I'm afraid I haven't been using enough duct tape. I'm so jealous of everyone that gets to buy pretty dresses and new swim suits when I'm wearing a bikini from walmart from two years ago and everything at victoria's secret and american eagle is so cute. I don't even have time to go to a gym or read, so I feel like shit because I'm totally disgusted with my body. My days off are stuffed to the max with things that need to get done. I just want a day to lay in bed and watch a movie, but that's not even an option right now. I hate being a grown up.

Don't ever take a second for granted with your loved one. Don't fight, don't waste time apart, and don't count on always having lazy mornings to lay in bed with each other. Because now I can't and I would do anything for just one more hug. I miss my Jesse and I want him back. 201 more days.

all I want it to be home.

I'm so alone now.

I'll find strength in pain and I will change my ways

I'm finally home from north carolina. Jesse got on the bus really early in the morning on Sunday and I've talked to him a few times, but he's in country now so I don't know when the next time I'll talk to him will be. Hopefully soon, because now that I'm home it's finally starting to sink in that he's gone. I can feel the big cry coming on. I just want to have some alone time to get it out of my system but I've been with my mom 24/7 so I haven't had the chance. I'm so excited to go to dino's on thursday with ange. I'm really looking forward to being with my friends and having a chance to breathe and just relax and not have to pretend to be anything. I just really miss Jesse...and I worry about him so, especially since he got punched in the face and can't see very well out of his left eye. It's such a long, terrible story and I really don't feel like typing it all out. I think I'm gonna go to bed, actually. I don't really want to do anything but sleep at this point.

Dreamin', I was only Dreamin'.

Last night I had a dream that my mom and I were driving around my grandparents old neighborhood. We came across this house that had been there a long time that seemed abandoned. It looked a lot like my grandparent's house, but it wasn't. So we pulled in the driveway and lifted open the garage door. There was all this stuff in boxes in the garage and the door to the house was unlocked, which also had a lot of old stuff lying around. So since we figured that nobody lived here anymore because it looked like the stuff hadn't been touched in ages we started to pack up all the stuff into our car. Then out of the blue a white station wagon and a huge black pickup truck on a lift kit with duel exhausts and tinted windows pulled into the driveway. This old trashy couple got out of the station wagon and started screaming at us for touching their stuff. We tried explaining to them that we were just trying to help and they could have their stuff back but they said it was too late. So the guy in the pickup truck (who I understood was their son, although it was never mentioned and we never saw him) backed out of the driveway so we could back out too. They said he would hunt us down and find us and kill us. So my mom drove away and we tried hiding in other people's garages so he wouldn't find us but I guess he did because eventually the dream shifted so that we were living in a compound with all these other women. The house was my grandparent's old house. Sometimes there was a stove where my old swing set used to be and sometimes it was my bed. So a man who looked like Jack Nicholson was the head of the compound. And we had to please him or he'd beat us or kill us. I trying to call Jesse so he could come save me but he either didn't answer or when I did get him on the phone he'd be busy and set the phone down and walk away. One day I had to make the man dinner with my mom. She was in charge of the main course, I was in charge of the side dish. We decided I'd make mac 'n cheese. So I made it from scratch and it was great but I didn't get a chance to wash the pot. So when I was inside serving the dinner I saw a remote control that controlled a machine gun that I could use to kill the man. So I had to sneak it under my dress and hold it there by my side. The man mentioned that I had forgotten to clean the pot and it was his favorite and now it was ruined and my mother started to cry, begging him not to kill me. He eventually said that he wouldn't, so I went and hugged my mom and snuck outside to hide the remote control for later. I hid it in my grandma's old afghan blanket that she kept behind the couch, which was now behind my bed. All the mothers were outside washing up the children so I went over and washed my face before going back inside. I went upstairs and then the dream cut to me standing in a long line talking to Jesse. Although it didn't actually happen in the dream, I was aware that the man had raped me over and over, and that he had forced me to give him a blow job. I was talking to Jesse about it and I asked him if he still loved me, even though I had to had sex with the man and Jesse said that he did and that it was okay.

I wish that Jesse had been here when I woke up because I was terrified and in a cold sweat but he wasn't. Last night he was at his friend's house in Blairsville. I only have nightmares when he isn't sleeping next to me. I have to deal with horrible, vivid nightmares for the next nine months. I'm really hurt that I couldn't spend every night with him since I won't be able to for a long time. I guess that's only important to me.

I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue.

I have turned into an utter lunatic. I cry and cry and cry at the slightest thing. I have been so stressed and today I just cracked and bawled my eyes out for about an hour over practically nooothing. I need to just get finished with my paper so I can relax. Lets be real. It's not going to be 8 pages. It's gonna be like...7. I don't even care anymore. I just care about Jesse getting here and cooking dinner for him, showering, and then going to bed.

p.s. I really like this picture but I feel like it isn't grammatically correct and that bugs me.

Finally...

I cannot wait to see him tonight. I can hardly concentrate.

These next three weeks are going to be both the happiest and saddest I've had in a very long time.

I love him so much. I wish we never had to be apart.