the truth is I miss you.

Last night I couldn't sleep because I had too many nightmares. I'm so tired and I'm so stressed out. I'm busy like, every minute of the day. When I'm not at work, I'm at school, or tutoring, or planning wedding stuff, or doing homework. I'm trying to get accepted to ECU but they won't accept me unless I have a math credit and they won't accept my math credit because they looked at my syllabus and it covers everything except logarithms, which are really important to an acting major. I write Jesse a letter a day but by the time I have time to sit and write it, I'm so tired that I fall asleep half way through. I miss him so much that I can't even put it into words. When I think about the danger that he's in and the horrible things that he's seen and the things he's had to do it breaks my heart. I would give anything in the world...anything...just to be able to hug him and tell him that no matter what he has to do and no matter what happens I still love him. But I can't. I can't hug him or see him or call him. I can just write him with no guarantee that he'll even get the letters I send. I want to send him another care package, but everything he needs gets so expensive and I don't have a lot of money in my account. Plus a lot of the time the stuff gets stolen and after talking to Jesse's dad last night I'm afraid I haven't been using enough duct tape. I'm so jealous of everyone that gets to buy pretty dresses and new swim suits when I'm wearing a bikini from walmart from two years ago and everything at victoria's secret and american eagle is so cute. I don't even have time to go to a gym or read, so I feel like shit because I'm totally disgusted with my body. My days off are stuffed to the max with things that need to get done. I just want a day to lay in bed and watch a movie, but that's not even an option right now. I hate being a grown up.

Don't ever take a second for granted with your loved one. Don't fight, don't waste time apart, and don't count on always having lazy mornings to lay in bed with each other. Because now I can't and I would do anything for just one more hug. I miss my Jesse and I want him back. 201 more days.