Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright.

Only nine days left tillI see Jesse. I can't believe it's so close to being over. 11 weeks without hearing his voice or touching his skin or feeling his arms around me. 11 weeks feeling like I'm torn in half. only 9 more days till I can see him and run to him and hold onto him so tight that it'll feel like I'll never let go. We'll get to spend time together on the plane ride home and later in our hotel room that night...we'll go to church together and out to eat and then it's on the train to Philly where I can spend days with him...every night I'll fall asleep in his arms, and every morning he'll be the first thing I see. The thought of it literally makes my stomach do backflips. When he has to leave me again it won't be as bad because I'll be able to talk to him on the phone sometimes and maybe even on a web cam. And on weekends he can fly to Philly to see me....ideally. I'm sure The Marines will have something else in mind. It's hard not to get my hopes up though.

I'm nervous though that I'm different from when we said goodbye and that he won't love me anymore. Im afraid that I'm not as beautiful as I was when he left and I'm afraid that he'll realize that he made a mistake investing so much of himself in me. I'm afraid I forgot how to kiss and that I won't know what to say when I finally see him. Plus my roommate is gorgeous and amazing and in comparison I don't know what anyone would see in me.

I'm stressed.

I'm scared.

I like college. My classes are interesting and my neighbors are really cool. I like my roommates too. They go out all the time. There's a part of me that wants to join them, but I can't. I can't have a good time knowing that Jesse's going through hell. I can't drink and party and celebrate when on the inside I feel empty. Plus I hate being around guys think they could ever win me over or whatever. Everywhere I look I just see Jesse. So many wives and girlfriends cheat on their Marines, but even the thought of feeling something for another man makes me sick to my stomach. I don't understand how they can do it.

I understand that he needs to see his friends and all, but from the way he talked he was gonna spend all his time with me. So that's what I prepared myself for. Today i talked to his best friend, who is under the impression that Jesse will be spending time up at his college partying and whatever else. If he wanted to do that, it's fine. I just wish he would have told me so I didn't get all excited about spending 10 days with him.

This is really hard...being in love with someone you can hardly ever see or talk to. It's only going to get worse. We can do it...we just have to work together.