Everybody's Gonna Love Today

Today was absolutely lovely. I had a really nice day, which makes up for how terrible yesterday was. The weather was beautiful, I ate good food with a good friend, I laughed, I may have found The Dress, and I saw an absolutely phenomenal piece of theater. I have no complaints.

You don't know how lovely you are

I really hope that my new fleet foxes CD has come in the mail by the time I get home this weekend. Nothing cheers me up like new music.

I love going to hard at the gym that I can hardly walk when I'm done. I was only there for an hour but I did a spinning class and my hard work out that I did with the personal trainer on Saturday and by the time I was ready to leave I literally had sweat dripping off of my body. It made me really proud. It gets out so much emotion. I think that's what is going to keep me sane while Jesse is away. I'm just going to push myself till I die at the gym.

I had a fairly productive day today. I started my 10-12 page paper and I did some research for my 8 page paper. I also practiced my scene for acting studio, went to the gym, went grocery shopping, cooked an amazing dinner (sweet potatoes, fresh asparagus, and grilled chicken, all seasoned and prepared to perfection), and showered. Room inspections are tomorrow and I just can't make myself clean. I'm done with class at 11 20 though and I don't have big brothers big sisters so I can do it then. I plan on avoiding the world as much as possible because the whole city of Philadelphia is going to reek of weed. I can already hardly walk down the street without smelling it. I can hardly imagine what it's gonna be like on 4/20. I have plenty of stuff to do tomorrow anyway, like those papers and I have to memorize my poem and my informance. And it's gonna rain. But it's gonna be 80 degrees. So at least I'll be able to wear a dress with rain boots to class. I love doing that.

It's not that I'm avoiding the world because I don't want to be tempted to smoke. I'm not tempted at all. I just don't want to be around it. I'll be glad when tomorrow's over. It's all people have been talking about for the last few days and Im sick of hearing about it. Plus, it means I'm one day closer to seeing Jesse.

Speaking of which I got to talk to him tonight. It was only for a minute and 25 seconds but it was so wonderful to hear his voice. I've been so worried about him because of what he's been doing the past few days. I'm so glad that he's ok. I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

I haven't got a clue why anyone reads this. All I do is ramble about my boring life and talk about Jesse. I mean, I'm flattered that I have so many followers. I just don't get what is so interesting about me.

This weekend when I go home I plan on taking a bubble bath. It's going to be lovely.

I found out today that my mom's soap opera All My Children is going off the air in January. It's been on since 1970. I always said that someday I'd be on it. I'm sad that I won't have the opportunity anymore. Plus it's actually a pretty good show, even though it's a cheesy soap opera.

Today I looked at the pictures that I have on my computer of Jesse and I. I realized that he has a smile that he does just for me. In pictures he's either goofy or serious. I can rarely catch those moments of truth on film. There's a part of me that wishes that I could see that look he gives me whenever I want...but mostly it makes me feel so special that it's almost like a secret that I have of his.

Today I was sitting in class letting my thoughts wander and it really fully hit me for the first time that someday I will grow old and die. I will no longer exist. I will no longer think things or look at anything or walk or smell the breeze. I will be dead. It was terrifying.

I will feed you fries with steak sauce.

I want to get more tattoos. I want to lay out in the sun all day long and listen to music and not see anyone I know. I want to get drunk with Jesse and run around outside together in the dark. I want to kiss him in the rain. I want to go to the gym. I want laugh so hard I can't breathe. I want to move away from the people of my past. I want to get married. I want to be tan. I want to eat good food and not feel guilty about it. I want to see the stars. I want this school year to be over. I want this year to be over. I want to bake a pretty cake and decorate it. I want a fleet foxes cd. I want a decent hug. I want Jesse to come home safe from Afghanistan.

LETS BE REAL.

IF I CANNOT TELL IF YOU ARE A MAN OR A WOMAN THEN YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO BE MAKING FUN OF MY OUTFIT, ESPECIALLY WHEN I LOOK ADORABLE. FACT.

I was feeling kind of sea sick, but the crowd called out for more

Today was shitty. I passed out in the tanning salon today and whacked my face off the front desk so now I have this great looking bruise. Plus my personal trainer didn't show up for the appointment we'd scheduled a week ago and I dragged myself to the gym even though I feel like shiiit. AND they didn't have skim milk at cvs. All I want to do is rest but I slept after I got home from the tanning place so I didn't finish my homework and I need to finish my voice and speech tonight so I can start working on my research paper tomorrow.

I miss singing. I miss ars nova and chamber choir even though it was annoying sometimes. I'm gonna join a choir at school. Speaking of which, I got accepted to University of North Carolina Wilmington. It's my backup school so I'm glad I got in. It means I won't be stuck here another year. I'm excited to find out if I got into ECU. I call all the time.

Only 14 days of class left. Then Jesse is coming to get me and we're going to Disney World. He's so good to me. He'd do anything for to make me smile. I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm so in love with him. I'm so lucky.

You must face yourself and you must say, "I remember better days."

Just hold on.

No-one knows the wheres or whys, but something stirs and something tries and starts to climb towards the light

I'm pretty sure that my dad is a sociopath. He and I had a strange conversation the other day and I looked up the characteristics of a sociopath and my dad has every single one. It would explain a lot.

For the past week and a half I've been having really vivid nightmares every night. I haven't been sleeping and it sucks because I constantly feel tired but I can't sleep. Last night I had a horrifying dream that I was being processed to go into a concentration camp. Jesse was there too and they kept trying to separate us. I saw all these burned bodies and there were all these people with guns screaming at me...it was terrifying. The night before that I dreamed that there was a guy sucking out people's souls and he was attacking the building Jesse was in and I couldn't find him. I've been having lots of weird dreams too. Like, the guy sucking out people's souls had a book for a face. And last night I had a dream that I was in Australia and I got on a space shuttle to go to a concert of middle eastern music and dancing. And the space ship was spinning so I had to hold onto a pole when we went upside down. Its weird and I don't get it.

Today I don't have class so I'm going to the gym and working on homework that's not due for a while. I'm really tired and although I really should have an intense workout today because I haven't in a few days and my gym membership expires on the 28th, I just don't have the energy. I also need to go buy chicken because I left mine sit out too long and it went bad.

Only three and a half more weeks in this terrible place. Thank the lord.

My dieting philosophy:

Eat well. Don't over eat and try to eat things that are natural and good for your body. Stay active and stay in shape. And if someone offers you a cannoli, take it. Because we only live once and its silly to spend your life missing out on lovely Italian pastries.

I just want to leave these places and never look back.

I'm holding out my only candle, but it's so little light to find my way.

It usually happens in the shower.

That's the safest place, because with the water running and the door closed and my music playing it's nearly impossible to hear.

I'll start thinking about something harmless, like my newest tatt

oo. I'll be thinking of things that I could add to it to make it prettier, like flowers or something. And then I'll start thinking about what I could get on my other ribs. And then out of nowhere a thought will just burst into my head: what tattoo will you get in memory of Jesse if he dies?

And then my brain will flash between images of myself at his funeral, crying and clutching the folded American flag to laying in his arms whispering to each other late at night, to opening presents together on Christmas, to jumping into his arms at graduation, to when we made love and afterwards I laid in arms and cried because I love him so much I couldn't express it in words, to the last time I saw him when I stepped on the plane in Jacksonville and he watched me from the window.

And then I'll break down...I lean against the wall in the shower, hugging myself with my nails digging into my arms and cry. and cry. and cry.

I try so hard to not think about the possibility that he won't come home because it's just

bringing bad energy to the situation. But it seems like when I let my guard down all those horrible thoughts are there waiting.

I'm so afraid to live in a world without Jesse. I'm afraid of what I'll become.

I feel so lonely because nobody understands. I feel so lonely but I can't make myself reach out to anyone. The only person I want is Jesse. All I can do is sleep. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until he comes home.

I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.