I'm holding out my only candle, but it's so little light to find my way.

It usually happens in the shower.

That's the safest place, because with the water running and the door closed and my music playing it's nearly impossible to hear.

I'll start thinking about something harmless, like my newest tatt

oo. I'll be thinking of things that I could add to it to make it prettier, like flowers or something. And then I'll start thinking about what I could get on my other ribs. And then out of nowhere a thought will just burst into my head: what tattoo will you get in memory of Jesse if he dies?

And then my brain will flash between images of myself at his funeral, crying and clutching the folded American flag to laying in his arms whispering to each other late at night, to opening presents together on Christmas, to jumping into his arms at graduation, to when we made love and afterwards I laid in arms and cried because I love him so much I couldn't express it in words, to the last time I saw him when I stepped on the plane in Jacksonville and he watched me from the window.

And then I'll break down...I lean against the wall in the shower, hugging myself with my nails digging into my arms and cry. and cry. and cry.

I try so hard to not think about the possibility that he won't come home because it's just

bringing bad energy to the situation. But it seems like when I let my guard down all those horrible thoughts are there waiting.

I'm so afraid to live in a world without Jesse. I'm afraid of what I'll become.

I feel so lonely because nobody understands. I feel so lonely but I can't make myself reach out to anyone. The only person I want is Jesse. All I can do is sleep. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until he comes home.

I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.