Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.

fuck communists.

#3: We Had Fire in Our Eyes in the Beginning We Never Felt so Alive

Logan,

What happened to you? Why would you push me away like you did? Didn't it ever occur to you that the issue wasn't everyone around you changing, that maybe it was the fact that you haven't changed or grown at all? We were so close, and now you hate me? How does that happen? How can you go from being friends with a person to hating them in what seemed like over night? Well, I realize now that I'm probably better off without you, although there's still a part of me that misses you and wonders what you're up to and how you're doing. I wish I could cut you out of my life as effectively as you've managed to cut me out of yours. I can't wait until I get to move away and not have to see you all the time, because hopefully you being out of sight will put you out of mind. You promised me you'd never abandon me like everyone else, and that's exactly what you did. You're exactly like everyone other person and your cold heartedness is going to get you nowhere. And just so you know, I miss Nathan and Artie more than you.

#2: The Innocent Can Never Last

Jimmy,

You held me down. You forced me. I didn't want to and it didn't matter. Nobody should lose it like that. Just because I've hardly told anyone or let it ruin my life doesn't mean I still don't think about it all the time. All the scars left from the abuse I suffered because of you are still healing. Sometimes, when I'm trying to fall asleep and Jesse isn't next to me I'll think of you and end up laying awake for hours. Sometimes, I'll have nightmares that leave me in a cool sweat. Once I woke up crying. You're a waste of life, and you disgust me. Telling people you have terminal cancer so you could win me back is repulsive. Telling me you were re-enlisting so you could go die and it be my responsibility is uncalled for. Manipulating me to stay with you with threats and fear is sickening. For your sake, I hope I never see you again. And you better hope you never run into Jesse either. Because he knows who you are and everything you've ever done to me.... every insult, every lie, every hit... And if he finds you, your life is over. He loves me in a way that a sick fuck like you could never understand. He's held me while I cried and he wants to show you know what it means to hurt, like you showed me. I was innocent before I met you. You showed me a side of human beings that I had never experienced and I'll never forget, not for as long as I live.

#1: I'll Be Seeing You

Zach,

You manipulated me, used me, took advantage of my insecurities, left me, and made me feel like I wasn't good enough to love, just to fuck around with. And I want to thank you. Thanks to you, I can appreciate what I have now. I am loved intensely, in every way a person can be loved. I don't get old and boring. Every day, I'm new and exciting. For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful inside and out. Thank you for giving up one of the best things that would have happened to you, because now I have the best thing that ever happened to me.

Is there any other kind of pain?

Please...never again....you don't know how bad that hurt.

Please.

I try to be like Grace Kelly, but all her looks were too sad

I want to be beautiful like this.

And the night seemed to last as long as six weeks on Paris Island

Like every other high school senior, I'm ready for school to be over. I'm over high school and I just want the freedom of summer and I want to go to college. But Jesse's ship out date got moved forward to June 14th, meaning that we graduate, we have a few days together, we have his grad party on the 13th, and then he leaves for Paris Island until September. I have abandonment issues and I'm not good at being left behind. I want school to be over, but at the same time, I need this month to just crawl by so I can have as much time with him as possible. Because despite what he says, deep inside I know he's gonna be different after boot camp. This isn't like going away to the Army or the Air Force. They do things at Paris Island that he won't even tell me about. I was talking to a former Sgt. at the banquet in Pittsburgh we went to, and he told us that The Marines are the only branch that still turn a blind eye to hazing and physical punishment. They get you up in the middle of the night and make you run for hours in the cold in the swamps. If you shiver, they throw buckets of ice water on you and scream in your face. If you still don't preform like they want you to, the next day they'll send you to the whiskey locker, where they'll beat you. I'm allowed to write him a letter once a week, but they censor his letters to make sure he isn't saying anything about how he's being treated. Jesse has wanted to be a Marine all his life, so I keep my mouth shut, but inside I'm horrified. And I'm terrified.

I'm gonna call my dad today. I don't know why...I just feel like I should.