You were made to go out and get her.

I talked to Jesse this morning for the last time for the next three weeks. He doesn't have any service, but all his friends that have iphones have perfect service. He's in the middle of the friggen desert and when he called me from an iphone it sounded like he was laying in bed next to me. We're switching to AT&T when he comes back from Afghanistan.

He said it's beautiful in the Mojave Desert...he said the mountains are amazing and you can see every star at night and they made him think of me. I'm jealous...I'd give anything to see the stars.

This next five weeks is gonna be the longest Jesse and I have gone without seeing each other since since he was in SOI. And this will be the longest that we've ever gone without any form of communication. Even when he was in boot camp I got a letter from him after like...two and a half weeks. Then he'll get back after these five weeks and I'll have 10 days or so with him and then that's it. This SUCKS.

I taught my little sister the card game speed (which is very similar to spit) a few weeks ago. I played speed like, ever day when I was little. I was so good at it. And she beat me today. I'm partially proud, partially sad. lol

I left my ipod at home. It's been three days without it and I'm going crazy. I hate not being able to listen to music while I walk down the street to class. I'm about one second away from buying a portable cd player.

Dear Bill Hicks, Your comedy cracks me up no matter what mood I'm in. I love you. Sincerely, Cate.

And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so alone.

Tears of rage, tears of grief.

I hardly slept last night because I had so many nightmares. Jesse and I have been fighting a lot and I think that has a lot to do with it. He's going to EMV tonight, which is a month long training cycle in California. So I'm not going to get to talk to him. Then he leaves for Afghanistan. Sometimes I'll just break down when I think about it and there isn't anyone around. I wish I had my records...I listened to them Saturday night when I felt alone and it helped. Especially The Band.

I cover myself in paint today in my acting class. And we had to pick poems for our final in voice and speech. She let one class do song lyrics and I wanted to do Echos by Pink Floyd. It would have been perfect. I'm doing Watching the Sleeping Lover from Sam Shepard's Savage Love. It's nice, but I like Echoes better.

I haven't been on facebook in three weeks on Wednesday. I feel like it's been three years.

I just want this year to be over.

You're right there in everything I do.

I bought a plane ticket for North Carolina that leaves tomorrow morning.

Fuck school. Fuck money. I know what matters.

Come what may I won't fade away.

I really hate college. I think it'll get better once I get out of this stupid city. The only reason that I wanted to come back to school is because Jesse went back to LeJuene and my mother and I fought with each other terribly the entire time I was home. Jesse and I argued too...we never argue. It was terrible. We're both scared and stressed....his deployment got moved forward a month and his pre-deployment leave got taken away from him, so he's not gonna get to see his family before he leaves unless they come down to say goodbye before he gets on the bus. The only way I'm gonna see him at all is if we spend all our money on plane tickets. It's fine with me...I just want to see him while I can. There was so much that we planned to do over his pre-deployment leave. I just hope we get the chance to still do it.

Tomorrow I'm starting my diet. I just got a tattoo on my ribs and I want it to look it's best, which means I want to be able to see my ribs a little. I wasn't worrying about dieting before i got the tattoo, because I was hoping that having little fat on my ribs would mean it wouldn't be as painful. Needless to say, I was wrong and it probably wouldn't have made any difference. Nevertheless, my gym regime is going to get a lot more strict and my diet is going to be a real diet...very little carbs and lots of protein and small portions. I'd really like to buy a juicer but I can't afford it right now. Plus I have to start looking into cars and apartments for next fall. This is all happening so fast....

Planning this wedding is really difficult because I have no idea how long Jesse is going to be gone. So it's hard to pick a date and find a location. I've started looking at dresses though, and I've found a lovely one. I can't WAIT to go try on dresses with my friends.

All I want to do is lay in bed and listen to music.

...And pain is all around

I'm so scared he won't come home and these are the last days of our life together.