Could have walked around the block 'cause all roads lead to home

Tonight was a good night. I went to Pool Hall for the first time in weeks. I got some tips that have really improved my playing. I think I'm gonna go down there more often and practice so that when Jesse's on leave, we can go to a bar in Philly and I can kick his ass and impress him. That'd be fun. It was bittersweet being down there because looking around made me thing of the first time we talked, the first game we played together and how close he got to me, the first time he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, one of the first places we went as a couple... A lot of people asked about him and told me to tell him hey for him, which was nice. In a strange way, it's sort of nice being known as Jesse's girlfriend, even though previously I would have hated the loss of identity. I think it's because of how proud of him I am. And its not like the people that know me as Jesse's girlfriend don't talk to me about stuff that doesn't involve him. They just come to me for updates and used me as a messenger. I had fun shooting pool with Gavin and Blaine because I haven't played with them in ages. It was cool having Sam and Molly down there too because I don't see nearly enough of them.

Last night me, blaine, and mouse went for an illegal night swim in Keystone lake. It was a lot of fun. I can't wait to go back.

Now you're my whole life, now you're my whole world

I miss Jesse. I miss his voice. I miss the color of his eyes. I miss the callouses on his hands. I miss when he would call me Catherine when I was being stubborn or childish. I miss how I would hardly have to touch him, and he would break out in goosebumps all over. I miss the way he smells. I miss feeling small. I miss feeling safe. I miss him rubbing my feet every night after I would get off work, and I miss him telling me how hot I looked in my uniform, even though I thought I looked stupid and smelled like sticky buns and smiley cookies. I miss cuddling up next to him when we'd go to sleep, and I miss waking up next to him in the morning. I miss looking at him and feeling my stomach flip and my heart soar. I miss rubbing his head. I miss cooking him meals and making him sandwiches. I miss dancing to Brad Paisley in my dining room. I miss watching movies with him. I miss him singing Green Eyes to me. I miss how much he loved my dog. I miss the way he would look at me that just screamed I love you, without having to say a word. I miss being kissed. I miss feeling beautiful. I miss Jesse.

It's been 25 days since I've seen him. He's on day 17 of 81. Our anniversary is in 5 days. Its bitter-sweet, because that's also a month since I've seen him last, and I'm not going to have any contact with him other than the letter that I write him. I'm pretty sure summer couldn't be going any slower. I would give anything for it to be September 16th and to be sitting on the curb at Parris Island at 6 am, waiting for Jesse's platoon to run by, because that'll be the next time I get to see him.

At least we can celebrate our six month anniversary together....

For you I'd wait till kingdom come.

So, lately every day has high points and low points, which leaves me not able to decide if it's a good day or a bad day. No letters from Jesse since the ones I got on Friday. It's really hard to tell myself that he's busy, and that just because he's not writing me every day doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. His mom has been getting letters pretty steadily, which kind of hurts, considering the fact that there was like, a month long period when he and his mom weren't getting along that I was his only support, and I was there for him constantly when all his family did was hurt him. I know it's his mom, and I shouldn't get jealous, but it's hard not to when I pour my heart and soul out into a letter every single day, and wake up to go wait by the mail box and pray for a letter every single day to no avail. Plus, his mom has other people in her life that she cares about that she can talk to if she has a problem. Jesse's who I talk to, and he's gone, and I'm trying to talk to him anyway, but it's very discouraging when there's no reply. I have a few people I can still talk to, but it's different with friends. This sucks. I miss Jesse so bad, and it's not even a full month yet. Deployments are going to be terrible.

America's Next Top Model is casting in Pittsburgh on Thursday. I'm thinking about going, but I don't think my body is good enough to model. I keep telling myself I'm not going because I have school in the fall, but really I'm just trying to justify it for myself because I know I'll get rejected.

Filming Abduction yesterday was kind of stupid. I don't understand why someone would want to do a movie. Doing the same thing a million times over and over again seems sort of stupid to me. It doesn't seem real. And the girls that were like flipping out because we were near Taylor Lautner were so annoying. So what if he's famous and mildly attractive? Who cares? He's just a person.

I want to do something fun this week. I want to go somewhere new, but I don't want to have to drive. Someone else can drive or we can ride bikes or walk. But I want to go on an adventure.

We drink and we dance and we drown our sorrow

Conversations at twilight into the early morning about the world and its condemned state, about relationships, dreams, and soul mates, about past and present hurts, about blow jobs and sex and Elliot Smith and whatever else we may have talked about made last night the best night I've had in a very long time. You're perfect, Blaine.

#4: Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta

Blaine,

Our friendship means more to me than I could ever tell you. I consider you to be one of my very best friends, and almost more like an older brother. You've always been there for me, especially when I needed you the most. I think I've had more fun with you than with any other one person. We're both such ass holes and it just works so well together because we compliment each other beautifully. The shit that we do and the things that we talk about have made me laugh for hours on end, and I'd not have it any other way. I've enjoyed this past year immensely, even when we were bored out of our minds just trying to find something to do. I think college is gonna suck a little because I'm never gonna find another Blaine Steeves, and I don't really want to. Thank you for deciding that you didn't hate me and becoming one of the two solid, consistent, truthful, and caring male figure that I've ever had in my entire life. Love you, buddy.