I loved you more.

I hate ugly tattoos. I hate applying to college. I hate not knowing what I want or where I want to be. I hate running. I hate feeling fat. I hate watching what I eat. I hate milk that isn't as cold as it should be because the fridge was open a crack over night. I hate people that try too hard. I hate people that pretend to be something they're not. I hate excessive drug use to the point that it changes who you are. I hate Voice and Speech for Actors. I hate my dorm.

I love acting. I love my diamond ring. I love summer. I love wearing a bikini and laying in the sun for hours. I love writing letters. I love Jesse's clothes. I love wrapping myself up in sheets fresh out of the dryer. I love sexy songs. I love chocolate milk, beef jerky, cheesy ruffles chips, and hummus on pita bread. I love the imagining my wedding. I love when Jesse wears his uniform...any of them. Especially his blues or his forrest green camis. I love my tattoo. I love getting postcards from far away. I love my mom, Jesse, and my best friends. I love my tumblr, even though I don't have many followers. I love having sex, fucking, and making love to Jesse. I love white wine and dark beer. I love lambs, and I love daffodils.

If I know one thing it's that every thing that I see of the world outside is so inconceivable often I can barely speak.

Last night I auditioned for The Vagina Monologues. I hope I get it. I want to be in that show so bad. At the audition they asked us all these super personal questions. It was interesting. I also want to find out if I was cast in a Sr. directed scene. I thought the cast list would be up by friday. HOPEFULLY it'll be up today. I just wanna be in SOMETHING. I'm bored.

Jesse and I had a pretty bad argument this weekend. Luckily we made up before his phone died Sunday night, because he's out in the field. He thinks that he'll get to go back to a squad bay on Saturday, which would be good because then he could charge his phone. If they change their mind and he doesn't get to go back to mainside, then I won't be talking to him for the next two weeks. I can't wait for Ft. Pickett to be over...I'll get to see him after he gets back to LeJuene. April is really gonna suck. The whole month he'll be in California at Mohabi Viper (sp?) and I won't be able to talk to him at all. Then he has two weeks of leave in May and then he leaves for Afghanistan. I hate this...

Anyway, today I have a meeting with the head of my department at 1 30 and I wanna go to the gym and I wanna walk down to south street and go to Repo Records and buy some albums. I wish my record player was here. I wish I could buy a cheap portable one...alas, it's not 1967 and I can't just go to the corner store and buy a record player for $10. Unfortunately.

I don't know what to do with my life. Johnny Hobbs, my acting teacher, says not knowing is a beautiful place to be. I think it's just exhausting and frustrating.

Country roads, take me home.

I decided to start posting on here again. I adore my tumblr, but having only 14 followers is very disheartening and people get pissy when you write about your life (not like that matters or anything...your life I mean.) PLUS all my room mates follow me so I can't talk about them unless I'm super sneaky.

So anywaaayyy...

I'm really excited to go to New York tomorrow with mousegirl and ange. I love them dearly and I miss them terribly. Plus I'm SO excited to see American Idiot again. I adored it the first time but this time I know I'm gonna love it even mooorrreeee.

I've started to plan my wedding. I'm in love with a dress. It's a Jim Hjelm dress so it's out of my price range but if I BEG my mom hopefully she'll help me out. I'd post a picture but Jesse occasionally reads this so unless you are my mom or a bridesmaid, you're gonna have to wait to see it at the ceremony too.

Everything is in it's very early stages. I know my Bridesmaids are gonna be Ange, Kayla, Katie, and Aubrey and I know Jesse's groomsmen are Mark, Baker, Stemmler or Corey Hartley, and Blaine. Our colors are red and gold and we're getting married in a church big enough to house his enormous family. Sooo good luck to me to find one. I want to walk down the isle to a string quartet and NOT to the wedding march because Wagner was an anti-semetic ass clown. plus it's stupid and over played. I'd love to be able to walk down the isle to "At Last" but we'll see. There is going to be rivers of alcohol at the reception and for our honeymoon we want to go to Italy. Oh, and we're using the same cake topper that was used on my grandparent's cake :) I'm so excited I can't even concentrate on anything else...except going to the gym every day and getting my sorry ass in shape before I go wedding dress shopping, which begins in April, kids. Possibly before. If I wanna go to Kleinfelds (which I do) then I need to have everything in order there BEFORE the fall when I move down to North Carolina because I'm not gonna wanna drive all the way to New York just for that.

In other news, if I hear one more girl talk about how they never get to see their boyfriend I'm probably going to punch them. I have a little over 2 weeks left to spend with Jesse in person before he's gone for 9 months. The rest of the time before he leaves will be spent in training, where I also cannot talk to him. So shut the FUCK up because you cannot even begin to imagine the immensity of the fucks that I do not give. Get over it.

On that note, off to bed :)