Remember to remember me

I'm going to johnstown today with theresa. We're going to a vintage store...although I'm not entirely sure if its an actual shop or if it's an internet store and this is like...the guy's house. I dunno. We'll figure it out when we get there I guess. If that falls through we can go to the johnstown flood museum or something. 

Theresa apologized to me yesterday. I'm glad we're okay but what she said didn't go away. I was hoping that when she said sorry I would feel better. I still feel alone and like the only reason anyone talks to me anymore is because they're afraid for me. But mostly just alone. 

Sometimes I get caught in the silence. And I just sit here and think about it. And I feel like it's bad to break it and start typing again. But it's not really silence...the ceiling fan, the dog at the end of the bed, the fan inside the computer, birds outside, cars driving on the road...they're all part of it. But somehow they make up the silence? I don't know...I'm just typing as I think because I don't have anything better to do. I told myself I wasn't gonna write anymore blogs because nobody reads them anyway, but here I am...

I think that the Just Say No campaign is the dumbest waste of money ever. Think about it. Our whole lives we had it ingrained into our brains that drugs were bad, therefore bringing drugs to the center of our consciousness. Just like the whole Jonas Brother purity rings thing that Russell Brand got in so much trouble for mentioning at the VMAs- calling it a cynical marketing ploy utilizing the theories of Michel Foucault to sell sex to teens. By wearing the rings, the jonas brothers were making the public think 'the jonas brothers aren't having sex.' which defeats the purpose of the promise rings. The Just Say No campaign seems to me to be almost exactly the same. Anyway....I'm not trying to be deep. I was just thinking about it. 

Hold my hand, protect me from the world

I sit by my pool in a lounging chair.

American Eagle Bikini (with ruffles and flowers)

Forever 21 sunglasses

I have my MacBook Pro and I'm listening to Radiohead

I've already applied my dark tanning oil (infused with carrot and banana extracts)

My cellphone is right next to me

I just painted my nails and toes "ink a dink a pink"

I don't have any plans for the day except a facial and back massage that was a gift from my friend Brian. That's at three o'clock.

All that I'm missing is a fucking tiara. 

No wonder all my friends are gone. I'd hate me too.

Cause I feel it's a long way down

I'm done asking to see you. I feel like you don't even want me around but don't have the nerve to say it. So instead you say you miss me and keep on going. 

I want to go to a vinyl store in johnstown tomorrow. But I haven't got anyone to go with. So I'll just sit in my house. It kinda sucks. 

Green Eyes, Yeah the Spotlight Shines Upon You

The past few days have been kinda crazy. I left Idlewild today. I hurt my back and I can't keep working and dancing so I decided to leave. I had to go to a doctor and stuff today. So I did that and then I hung out with Ande and Seth. My back doesn't hurt too bad but that's just cause I took the meds they gave me. 

I watched a crazy awesome movie. The Cell. Holy shit. It freaked me out. It was so goooood. 

Sometimes when I listen to music I can see a scene in my mind of what my mind's version of the music video would look. It's almost like lucid dreaming, I suppose. Anyway, I was thinking about how that doesn't happen to everyone. What do other people see when they listen to music? Like when people lay down in a calm environment and let the music just kind of take over, what happens?

I like making lists of things I want.

I like laying around and listening to music.

I like having a lot of stuff in my room on the walls.

I like walking around in the rain when it's warm out. 

I like sneaking around my mom. 

I like  being with my friends 

I like waking up early and getting a bunch of stuff done in the morning.

I like reading everything I can get my hands on.

I like having an unnecessary amount of pictures on my facebook.

I like buying clothes for really cheap at salvo. 

I like being subtle.

My life should have have been better. It's getting hard to keep it all together.

I don't write my own blogs anymore. Not really. I've tried writing in my journal, but even that's difficult for some reason. I just read what everyone else writes. I don't care anymore, I guess.

Watch me break and watch me burn

So it's getting to the point that Andie is getting ready to leave Idlewild. She leaves in like, 5 days, I think. We've been re-blocking the shows...I got the majority of her solos. I sing the opening number and Arabian Nights in the Aladin section. So that's cool I guess. I'm not gonna have any friends at work once she leaves though. I plan on reading The Stand.

I've been in a bad mood over the past few days. And I'm starting to wonder if dating Wiggles is the best idea. He acts like we've been dating for a really long time and we really haven't. It just makes me nervous. And I've been really conflicted over what to do about my dad. I'm not sure if I should call him and invite him to come see my shows or if I shouldn't even bother. Because he's just gonna say no. And I don't know if I want to actually see him. I don't know. I don't know what I want....not just with this situation but in general. I'm really stressed and taking it out on everyone around me. 

I have a fake smile that I got really good at this summer with being on stage all the time. I wonder if any of my friends can tell the difference between that and my real smile. 

I'm not the one that you want, I'll always let you down.

You're so fake you make me want to vomit.

I had fun last night. Thanks for being there and letting me lean on you...literally. 

I had a nightmare that I managed to fuck things up with us again and I woke up crying and terrified.

I think you're forcing things.

Listen to me. You're gorgeous. And interesting. And so unique. And I wish we were friends so I could tell you that.

And you. I miss the old you.

Where the hell have you been?

I want you to end up with her so bad because she loves you. 

Stop telling me how to live my life. I know I'm doing it wrong. You reminding me solves NOTHING.

I'm gonna miss you really bad when you go to college. 

I can't believe we are as close as we are. I love it. 

I'm still mad at you despite you pretending we're fine. I really hope you apologize.