Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic

There is a fly in my room and his buzzing around is getting on my nerves. All I wanna do is listen to a little Pink Floyd and relax with my christmas lights and my lava lamp, but the damn fly can't keep quiet.

Oh good he stopped. Maybe he died...

This is gonna be one of those blogs that just sort of....rambles on. Haha sorryyyy. You can stop reading if you want.

GUESS WHAT? Next saturday I turn 18. WOO. I'm having a birthday party. It's gonna be a joint party with Sam Prichard since his birthday is the day before mine. I dunno what I'm gonna get him. I might just get him a really nice cigar. He'd appriciate that, I think. I could buy a cigar box to put it in for like 4 bucks, buy a cigar, and get something else to stick in there. I'm so excited for my birthdaaaay. My tat appointment is set up for Feb 24 at Unique Ink with Brian. I can't believe it's finally happening. Oh my goodness.

Tonight was the coffee house at the school. I did both of my monologues, sang back up for courtney joseph, sang "Crazy" by Patsey Cline, played the party game with the improv group, and sang "Love Heals" with Amanda and Sam as a tribute to Toby Nave. We sang it at the last one in tribute to Joe Dato. It was a good coffee house and everyone did really well. I was so proud of Adam....I taught him a few chords on the guitar, and he played "Some Girls" and even though he only strummed along with the karyoke version of the song, I was so happy. Its weird because like, I'm not very good at guitar, but I was still able to teach Adam something...idk. I was proud.

Oh my God...Echoes is amazing to me right now.

So I found out that Josh Koutsky like me? Yeah, it's bizarre because he's like... really popular and everything and I didn't know he knew I really even existed. I mean, I've gone to his house once with Katie Shannon, but we were only there for a little bit. Then the three of us went to Eat and Park, which was fun. BUT ANYWAY yeah he was talking to Heather Bureau and Amanda Gregg and was like 'Yeah, I kind of have an infatuation with Cate.' and according to amanda, he actually used the word infatuation. lol So Amanda was like 'what? since when?' 'Since forever I guess.' So I'm like, totally shocked. Especially since he's like, real hot. And I'm...me.

I'm going nuts waiting for my U Arts letter...

PIERCING MY OWN EAR WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA. It's all crusty and nasty even though I clean it ALL THE TIME. and it hurts and it's groooooooss. But I refuse to take it out. I will keep this piercing if it kills me.

Tell me are you free?

I've just pierced the third hole on my left ear. I feel very brave. The needle I was using wouldn't go through the whole way the first few tries, but then finally, I pushed really really hard and it popped. So I walked around for a few minutes with a giant needle in my ear, hoping my mom wouldn't walk by, then I put the earring in and now all is well. Except that right after I sterilized the needle with fire I touched it to my lower lip (God only knows why) and burned it (no shit sherlock) so that kinda hurts. But I think I have burt bees chap stick for sunburned lips somewhere, so I'll go find that in a bit.

My audition for U Arts went SO well. There were 80 kids there, 60 MTs and 20 acting majors. I auditioned for musical theater, and got a call back for acting. They told me it wasn't that my voice was bad, it's just that my monologue was really good, so they wanted to explore me more as an actor. So there were 12 kids called back for acting and like, 20 for MT. I auditioned for the head of the acting department, and my callback was for him too and another one of the acting teachers. I did both of my monologues, then they told me to do my fading joy monologue like I was really pissed off. So I did that and then they sat me down to interview me, and I talked to them for awhile. The acting head said I took direction well and that I have a good speaking voice. So that's good. They asked me a few questions and I asked a few and they seemed to like me because they were really interested in the fact that I paint and stuff too. They told me I could minor in musical theater and take drawing and painting classes. So I'm really content with that. Because honestly, singing and dancing are cool, but acting is my passion. They told me I'd hear back in 2 weeks. I really hope I get this. I feel so good about it. There's only like, 10 girls that get accepted into the acting program.

Today I cut up an old t-shirt and made it look cool and I watched gone with the wind again and took a bubble bath and pierced my ear and did my english. I didn't get much done because I was out late with Blaine. We went bowling. I suck at it.

I'm excited for warped. I'm excited for bonnoroo. I'm excited for summer. I'm excited for my tattoo. I'm excited for motion city and alkaline trio.

In sweep the vampires, in creep the vampires, knee deep in vampires

Today I leave for Philly for my audition on Saturday for The University of the Arts. I'm really really excited. I'm a little nervous because Jean cancelled my voice lesson yesterday, so I didn't get a chance to perfect the harder of the two songs. However, Mama Who Bore Me is practly perfect and my monologues are really good, especially Fading Joy. I've really connected to that monologue. It's my favorite that I've ever done. I posted it in a blog a while back. I don't know why I connected to it so much. Like....it's about a loss of innocence because of a loss of virginity and her relating that back to the loss of the security of the womb. It's really symbolic and stuff and I just love doing it. Plus it's so emotionally charged because she feels scared, confused, sad, lost, guilty, and so utterly alone in the world. It's beautiful.

Sooo anyway we're driving up to my aunt's house today, then tomorrow we'll have to drive an hour and a half into the city. I'll sing and do my monologue, then hopefully get a callback where I'll have to dance and maybe sing and do the monologues again? I'm not sure. But I'm really excited. This feels right. I feel like this is the school that I'm supposed to be at. It's just so perfect. There's only a 7% acceptance rate. I have to keep telling myself that I AM good enough to get in. I AM pretty enough. I DO have a good enough personality. I DO have potential. AND I HAVE NOT PLATEAUED AS AN ACTOR, DAN KRACK. (I really don't understand that man. He fuels my self doubt, and then gives me the name of the one song that helps me tell myself that I can do this- "Die Vampire, Die." haha "fuck you miss. johnson....word." haha it's so funny and very meaningful towards the end.)

This is my first audition, and it's the only school that I really want to get into. I don't care about the rest...including NYU, which used to be my dream school. I need this. As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like everything in my life (on stage) is building up to tomorrow. It's finally my chance to do what I love in the real world. It could be the beginning of my career. I want this so bad that when I think about it, I feel sick to my stomach and want to cry because I feel such a burning desire to act. I know it sounds stupid, but it's how I've always felt about being on stage. I feel bad for people that don't love what they do as much as I love what I do. I hope tomorrow goes well. I think it will.

How do you sleep?

I know what it feels like to be abandoned. Abandonment seems to be one of the only consistencies in my life, actually. And Finally, I have this fantastic beautiful amazing lovely person that I care about and that TRUELY cares about me. I adore this person and would be lost without her. And nothing hurts me more than to watch her break. Today she sat in my passenger seat of my car and cried. And not just little sad crying, real aching aching lonely cries. Because she has been abandoned, despite you trying to tell yourself otherwise; you've left her all alone. And it is NOT alright. I am DONE sitting back and listening to her day after day, week after week, month after month, saying how much she misses you. ARE YOU BLIND? DON'T YOU CARE? I'm past the point of caring AT ALL if I seem rude, step on toes, or hurt anybody's feelings. You were her best friend. She loved you as intensely as a person can love a best friend. And not only did you leave her behind, but you replaced her. And she still loves you, so she has kept quiet as best she could. But I never learned to shut my mouth. Seriously- BROS BEFORE HOES. I don't know why this seems to be such a difficult concept for people to grasp lately. It's quite simple. Don't ditch your best friends for a girlfriend or a boyfriend. She's one more person. How hard is it to maintain a relationship? And don't say you're sorry if you don't mean it. Because honestly, it seems insincere when you've done nothing to mend your relationship with her. She was so afraid this would happen. She even told you this would happen a long time ago. And you said it wouldn't. You lied.

I feel stupid. I should have known- just like everyone else- that this would be the outcome. Instead, I stood up for you guys and defended your friendship. Now I just feel very naïve.

For the record, I'm sick of people talking about how terrible their parents treat them. I've seen my father in person about 4 or 5 times. I think about him all the time. The closest thing I had to a Dad died 3 years ago. I miss him everyday. My father told me he didn't want to talk to me any more when I was 12 because he said that he wanted to kick my Baba's ass, and since my Baba had been like a Dad, I was quick to defend his honor. He ignored me for 5 years. It would have been easier if he had died because at least then I wouldn't have to know that he didn't want me anymore. I have a great mother and I love her so much, but I never had a Daddy and there's always going to be a void from that.

Stop being my friend when it's convenient and easy for you. I'm sick of it. Make up your mind.

If your intention is for me to stick around and be a self-confidence booster for you or a third wheel, then.... you should rethink somethings. Because I'm not doing that shit anymore.

And in case you forgot, the phone works both ways.

Don't take the story about my Dad as a sob story. I don't want your fucking sympathy. I'm just saying that I'm really sick of hearing about how you all celebrated Father's Day this year. I'm not interested.

I hope none of this changes my relationships with anyone. I can only speak my mind.

But don't mistake that as an apology for what I've said. It's not. I promise.

without them the world goes dark around you

One of my very best friends just told me he didn't care about me.

Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic

I've always been very proud of my name because I was named after a great lady.

I loved my grandma very much and I am going to miss her dearly.

She gave me my first musical CD- Phantom of the Opera. I fell in love with Michael Crawford's voice when he sang "music of the night" and I've wanted to be on stage ever since. I owe her everything.

I spent my childhood being whisked off to various shows with her and my mom. I don't remember half of them, but we deffinietly went. The circus, the zoo, dozens of shows at the palace, every version of disney on ice, tons of shows at the civic center....I was there with my mom and grandma on either side of me.

It finally hit me today that she's gone. I have to keep reminding myself that she's with Baba and she's happier now.

You know that I care what happens to you.

There are few nights that stand out in my mind that were worse than last night. It was really rough. I spent a good portion of it being rejected and cleaning up puke and being under appreciated and too sober to not wanna cry about it.

So today I came home and slept most of the day and watched The Twilight Zone marathon that's on syfy every year.

Then my mother rented the movie Julie and Julia and frankly...I'm in love. It was such a fabulous movie and I'm so happy about it. I've already ordered my copy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I am going to learn how to cook from Julia Child.

Yes, I hear you skeptics out there "HA! French cooking? Cate can hardly even make mac and cheese. She forgot to add eggs to a brownie mix. She forgot to add water to a cake. This is a waste of time and can only end badly." And I say to you..... false. I am going to be an excellent cook. When Julia Child married her husband Paul she could hardly boil an egg and ended up changing the world. Well, the food world. If there is such a thing. I think there is.

SO. While I'm waiting for my cookbook to come in the mail, I'm looking up the recipes online. Tomorrow I will be cooking a chocolate almond cake with chocolate-butter icing...all from scratch. I'm so excited. The only problem is that it calls for rum. And we haven't got anymore. Because I have a weakness for rum and coke WHICH IS WEIRD because it's my dad's favorite drink too and my mom can't stand it.

I wanted to cook something instead of bake, because baking isn't hard for me. It's cooking that's been a struggle. But to be fair, I haven't ever tried to really cook something....but soon I'll be making boeuf bourguignon and lobster thermidor and Provencal au Pistou and you're all going to come over for dinner and eat your hearts out. But as it were, it's new years, so all I'll be eating for a week is sourkraut and pork and mashed potatoes. For good luck. Because it's worked soooo well in the past.

I'M SO EXCITED FOR MY COOKBOOK. My cake tomorrow is going to be very very tasty. I'm going to wear pearls and a dress and high heels and be very fancy. So in honor of Julia and my plunge into french cooking "Bon Appetit!"