You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.

Sprinting across the room today and jumping into your arms was easily one of the happiest moments of my life.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright.

Only nine days left tillI see Jesse. I can't believe it's so close to being over. 11 weeks without hearing his voice or touching his skin or feeling his arms around me. 11 weeks feeling like I'm torn in half. only 9 more days till I can see him and run to him and hold onto him so tight that it'll feel like I'll never let go. We'll get to spend time together on the plane ride home and later in our hotel room that night...we'll go to church together and out to eat and then it's on the train to Philly where I can spend days with him...every night I'll fall asleep in his arms, and every morning he'll be the first thing I see. The thought of it literally makes my stomach do backflips. When he has to leave me again it won't be as bad because I'll be able to talk to him on the phone sometimes and maybe even on a web cam. And on weekends he can fly to Philly to see me....ideally. I'm sure The Marines will have something else in mind. It's hard not to get my hopes up though.

I'm nervous though that I'm different from when we said goodbye and that he won't love me anymore. Im afraid that I'm not as beautiful as I was when he left and I'm afraid that he'll realize that he made a mistake investing so much of himself in me. I'm afraid I forgot how to kiss and that I won't know what to say when I finally see him. Plus my roommate is gorgeous and amazing and in comparison I don't know what anyone would see in me.

I'm stressed.

I'm scared.

I like college. My classes are interesting and my neighbors are really cool. I like my roommates too. They go out all the time. There's a part of me that wants to join them, but I can't. I can't have a good time knowing that Jesse's going through hell. I can't drink and party and celebrate when on the inside I feel empty. Plus I hate being around guys think they could ever win me over or whatever. Everywhere I look I just see Jesse. So many wives and girlfriends cheat on their Marines, but even the thought of feeling something for another man makes me sick to my stomach. I don't understand how they can do it.

I understand that he needs to see his friends and all, but from the way he talked he was gonna spend all his time with me. So that's what I prepared myself for. Today i talked to his best friend, who is under the impression that Jesse will be spending time up at his college partying and whatever else. If he wanted to do that, it's fine. I just wish he would have told me so I didn't get all excited about spending 10 days with him.

This is really hard...being in love with someone you can hardly ever see or talk to. It's only going to get worse. We can do it...we just have to work together.

Freedom's Apparently All I Need

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

Up on Melancholy Hill

"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them."

I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.

Soo I don't know you anymore. You're not the person that I met in class years ago that shared special moments with me. I miss the old you. And I hate the fact that you're going down the same downward spiral of self destruction that I did. I hope someone saves you like someone did for me before it's way too late.

Today was a beautiful day. I love Ange and Katie. We're soul mates. And we're really good for each other.

I'm so tan :) I love sun shine. And I love that my friends are pale. It make me feel really really tan...till I see Beth Henery, who could strip naked and stand in the dark and be hidden... hopefully someday I'll get there.

Im making a really big decision. I'm not exaggerating when I say it will drastically change the course of the rest of my life. I'm going with my gut on this one, and I hope I'm choosing the right thing. Only time will tell. I think it's gonna make me grow up too fast though. I think it's worth it... My mom pointed out that the key word there is think. But really, all life is is a series of decisions. I think everything is pointing in this direction. I live without regrets. I'm probably gonna take a lot of shit for this. But my mom, Ange, Katie, Kayla, and Blaine are the only opinions that matter to me, and at the end of the day they'll still be my family, so I'll pull through.

Could have walked around the block 'cause all roads lead to home

Tonight was a good night. I went to Pool Hall for the first time in weeks. I got some tips that have really improved my playing. I think I'm gonna go down there more often and practice so that when Jesse's on leave, we can go to a bar in Philly and I can kick his ass and impress him. That'd be fun. It was bittersweet being down there because looking around made me thing of the first time we talked, the first game we played together and how close he got to me, the first time he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, one of the first places we went as a couple... A lot of people asked about him and told me to tell him hey for him, which was nice. In a strange way, it's sort of nice being known as Jesse's girlfriend, even though previously I would have hated the loss of identity. I think it's because of how proud of him I am. And its not like the people that know me as Jesse's girlfriend don't talk to me about stuff that doesn't involve him. They just come to me for updates and used me as a messenger. I had fun shooting pool with Gavin and Blaine because I haven't played with them in ages. It was cool having Sam and Molly down there too because I don't see nearly enough of them.

Last night me, blaine, and mouse went for an illegal night swim in Keystone lake. It was a lot of fun. I can't wait to go back.

Now you're my whole life, now you're my whole world

I miss Jesse. I miss his voice. I miss the color of his eyes. I miss the callouses on his hands. I miss when he would call me Catherine when I was being stubborn or childish. I miss how I would hardly have to touch him, and he would break out in goosebumps all over. I miss the way he smells. I miss feeling small. I miss feeling safe. I miss him rubbing my feet every night after I would get off work, and I miss him telling me how hot I looked in my uniform, even though I thought I looked stupid and smelled like sticky buns and smiley cookies. I miss cuddling up next to him when we'd go to sleep, and I miss waking up next to him in the morning. I miss looking at him and feeling my stomach flip and my heart soar. I miss rubbing his head. I miss cooking him meals and making him sandwiches. I miss dancing to Brad Paisley in my dining room. I miss watching movies with him. I miss him singing Green Eyes to me. I miss how much he loved my dog. I miss the way he would look at me that just screamed I love you, without having to say a word. I miss being kissed. I miss feeling beautiful. I miss Jesse.

It's been 25 days since I've seen him. He's on day 17 of 81. Our anniversary is in 5 days. Its bitter-sweet, because that's also a month since I've seen him last, and I'm not going to have any contact with him other than the letter that I write him. I'm pretty sure summer couldn't be going any slower. I would give anything for it to be September 16th and to be sitting on the curb at Parris Island at 6 am, waiting for Jesse's platoon to run by, because that'll be the next time I get to see him.

At least we can celebrate our six month anniversary together....