Today

I'm on a Smashing Pumpkins binge right now, and I have "Today" on repeat.

I love that song because it's sorta sarcastic? Maybe? I think? Because if you listen to the subject matter, it could really go either way. I don't know.

So I was cast as Marty in Grease. yay! I'm really excited about it. I get my own song and everything. It's gonna be so good. I was actually told by the assistant director person - Mr. Toasty - that I was the runner up for Sandy. I think Angela got it because she refused to act for any of the other parts during her callback. Oh well. Hopefully I'll get a lead next year.

So I basically fail at juditzu and I'm thinking about quitting because I can't really deal with being bad at something. And Amber is a lot better at it than I am. She even beat Logan who is like, a brick wall of strength.

So This is Christmas

So we're getting down to Christmas crunch time. We have less than a week left and there's still things to buy and ship and wrap and decorate. Personally, I am done with most of the buying, half of the shipping, none of the wrapping, and some of the decorating. And the only reason the decorating is done is because I did it myself. All alone. My mom and I were fighting about something, so she was upstairs and I was left to do whatever I wanted. So I put on Christmas Music and put together my tree and put lights on it and put on ornaments. All in one night. And our tree is pretty much really huge. It was just sort of sad. Because I normally do it with my mom. and I really wanted to do it with my friends. It didn't work out I guess.

I ordered my mom all these presents from this catalogue that I had a $100 shopping spree with, thanks to selling that freaking cookie dough. So I can't really do any present wrapping until that gets her. Because other than all that stuff, I only bought her one thing. And my friends...well...I'm just too lazy to wrap that stuff. I still have to buy my dad something. *cringe* I have absolutely NO idea what to get him. I would totally go for a tie, but of course, he's unemployed. So what would he need another tie for? Plus I have to write Leanne a thank you note. She sent me this fuzzy purse thing....and I know it's the thought that counts, but it honestly makes me wonder if she thinks I'm 6 instead of 16.

I have my Christmas voice recital today. I'm so excited about it. I hope a bunch of people come to hear me. My mom's taping it so maybe I can try to put it up on here and facebook? I don't think so because it's not a digital camera. Maybe if I tape it on my regular camera....I don't know. Anyway.

I love Christmas. But not even like, really the day itself. I like Christmas eve the best. I'm not even sure why. It just like any other day, really. I go to my grandma's and we go to church. But it's the whole magical feeling of it I guess. Like, the entire Christmas season is building up to that night. And it's sort of important you know. Since it's when we kinds celebrate Jesus's birth and all. But people lose sight of that I suppose. Or block it out. Like those dumb 'Jesus is the reason for the season' things. Those have always pissed me off, not gonna lie. I think they're really dumb. I think that they're a lame attempt of putting Jesus into the commercialism of Christmas. And I think commercializing Jesus is just retarded.

Grease Is the Word

I didn't expect to get a call back for Grease because I thought my vocal audition on Tuesday was terrible. The dancing, I will admit, went well. However, I found out today that I did get a call back. I figured it was probably just so I wouldn't feel bad...or something. I don't know. I didn't think much of it.

Anyway, so tonight at the callbacks, things went really well, actually. They had us read a few scenes, then they had us sing again. My singing was better...thankfully. Then they made a cut and sent a few people home. I made the cut. We read some more and he made another cut...I likewise, made that cut. I ended up being at the school until about seven at night. I guess that's good.

The thing that is bizarre to me is that I read a lot for Sandy...in Grease. You know...little miss pretty perfect pure thing. I have never been able to relate to her nor have I ever seen myself playing her. I've always seen myself of more of a Rizzo. But I was really hoping for Frenchie or Marty. By the end of the night, Krack had it narrowed down to I guess me, Mara, and Angela. That's the other thing. They want this so bad. Like...Mara was crying after callbacks because she didn't think she was gonna get sandy. And Angela has always assumed that she had sandy in the bag. So it's just weird that I was there with them. Honestly, I would love to be cast as Sandy. It would not only be a really fun part and a great thing to put on my resume for gov school and college and future auditions, but selfishly, it would be a great kick in the face to all the cheerleaders that wanted Sandy. Me, who listens to rock and roll and plays the guitar and plays war with my friends playing Sandra Dee. I think it would be hysterical.

I don't think I'm gonna get it though...I'll probably be the principal or some other old person...which would be fine...but I'm getting tired of playing old people. I want to play someone pretty...to be honest.

All I really want is a pink lady...or sandy. hahahaha

I Am The Walrus

I hate bugs. I sleep with a toy horse named oats. I make origami. I am very observant. I have a scar on my chin from a rusty nail in a sandbox in kindergarten. I had braces off and on for nine years. I am wearing my favorite sweatshirt, which technically doesn't belong to me. I take my twist with a shout. I have very vivid dreams. I act because I don't like who I am, among other reasons. I am almost always cold. I have soft skin. I am in love with The Little Prince, but only the version that is translated by Katherine Woods because of the romantic tone in the writing. I am afraid my Baba is disappointed in me. I submitted a seemingly trivial secret to postsecret, but it meant a lot to me. I have the imagination of a six year old. I am a hopeless romantic. I want desperately to know The Bible better. I go without eating in order to lose weight. I love carousals. I regret not letting anyone take my picture with the black eye. I am in love with Rufus Wainwright's voice. I wish I could play the guitar better. I'm afraid that I'm not going to make it in acting and that I am going to be stuck waiting tables. I base my self value off of other people's reaction's to me. I have a leaf from my tree in one of the books on my bottom shelf. I love hand cream, especially Japanese Cherry Blossom. I am still angry at my dad. I wonder if people remember all the things that I remember. I think Shakespeare is beautiful. I am terrified that I never get married. I love my converse. I wish I would have said yes and let him, and I'm sure he doesn't remember. I sat on my floor for 20 minutes and listened to "Imagine," "Across The Universe," and "Mother" on vinyl over and over on December 8 and cried. I lie all the time and I'm very good at it. I love my friends so much sometimes it hurts. I accidentally burned off my finger print the other day.I have been afraid that I have Borderline Personality Disorder ever since I watched Girl, Interrupted. I hate to write, even though I'm good at it. I fear college. I have a 136 IQ. I laugh at everything. I love Christmas. I have long hair because I was in Hair and by the end of the show I was too in love with the ideals to cut it. I bruise easily. I have never been on a date. I often feel the desire to run away and never come back. I feel like a bad person because I don't feel a calling to go into ministry when two of my best friends are. I crave attention. I love the smell of old books. I don't think I have a chance at governor's school. I prefer tea to coffee. I have been acting since the age of four. I don't believe you if you tell me I'm beautiful. I like when my turn signal clicks off automatically. I learn as much as I can about ever topic that interests me. I am angry at my dad for neglecting me for five years and trying to buy my affection now with a guitar. I love little kids. I sleep with seven blankets, one of which is electric. I have a lot of questions for a lot of people but I don't want to annoy them so I don't ask. I wish people noticed my eyes. I cannot use saran wrap without getting it tangled around everything. I wasted so much money and time at stage right. I can't begin to think of a world without music. I plan on having every blog title reference a song, but I'm not sure how long that will last.

My (non)Mathematical Mind

I have no idea what to write about. Because really, blogging is a strange concept. It's like saying 'Here. I'll say what i'm thinking and put it on the internet so that everyone can read it.'

Tomorrow are the auditions for Grease. I'm not too excited about it....seeing as I have yet to sing through the song that I'm auditioning with. I think that it's partially because everyone else is so excited about it. I'd be looking foward to it if everyone was this excited about anyother musical. It pisses me off that people only care about this because it's Grease. Acting is not a hobby that you do because you think it's fun. These people are gonna get cast and not care and not be committed to it and it's gonna be frusterating. Maybe I'll rock the auditions and be cast as Rizzo...but probably not. I'm sure there's someone that will rock it. I just wanna be a pink lady...but I secretly want Rizzo. I don't think I look like her enough though.

Today at the rehearsal for my voice recital I nailed my high E. I am SO excited about it. And even better, Jean is playing the piano with me and Chelsea is on the cello (which pretty much rocks my life) and kessler is playing the drums, but we made them sound like sleigh bells. :) It makes me so happy that its just me on stage with my voice and the instruments. Its what I've always wanted. Ever since I was on the stage for the first time when I was five. I've just wanted to perform. And I always wante to sing, but I didn't think I could. I didn't think I was good enough. At Stage Right all they did was tell us to belt but didn't tell us how. I lost all confidence in myself as a singer and I'm slowly regaining it. Infact, I'm to a point that I think I want to go to college for musical theater.

I'm just so afraid that it won't work out. Because if I don't have theater then I don't have anything...if I can't do that I can't do anything. I can't remember a time when I wasn't on stage. I can't be happy unless I'm on stage. I think it's partially because I don't exactly like who I am completely. So I like to become other people and learn about them and become them and learn to love them or hate them and understand them. And besides, I really don't have anything to fall back on. If I can't act..that's it. I'm pretty much doomed to be a stripper...named sparkle or something. I don't know. And then I'm only gonna have lame stripper friends with no personality. LAME! And I'll probably like, fall off my stripper pole and die or something. So what I'm saying is that this needs to work out for me other wise I'm screwed.

Hopefully tomorrow won't be terrible since I'm underprepared. Oooooh well. :)