What's the point of dating someone if you can't see yourself spending good amounts, if not the rest of your life with them? Isn't that the point of dating? To find someone you will marry? So if you meet someone and think to yourself 'Wow. I really like them. I couldn't totally see myself married to them.' then whyyyy don't you ask them out on a friggen date? Ugh. It's so FRUSTRATING. It's not like it matters, because the only reason I'm interested is because he's a rebound from someone that never even happened that I can't get out of my brain. I am independent and I am me and I really DON'T like feeling crippled because of another person... or lack of a person, for that matter. I did not want to be in a relationship. I had it all worked out. And now thanks to one person that probably puts me out of his head the minute I'm out of the room, everything is all messed up and now for the first time in my entire life I'm being denied something that I really want. And for the first time in my entire life I don't know what to do to get what I want. I sound spoiled, dramatic, and manipulative and maybe I am but I don't care. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I pile up the pillows on the opposite side of the bed and cuddle up next to them. I pull the covers tight and hold Oats close and pretend you're sleeping next to me, holding me. I pretend that your arm is draped over my waist and your face is in my hair and I lightly run my fingernails up and down my arm, pretending it's you, until I fall asleep.
I want you to read this so bad, but you probably won't....
Well I don't cuddle up with my pillows BUT I completely agree with the things you were saying about a relationship, I can totally relate to that, I'm independent and hate being vulnerable to being hurt-it makes me feel weak. Then I'll end up liking someone that I'm convinced will be different but it turns out the same every time...
ReplyDeleteyour words are so beautiful, mama.
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