I'm left in the wake of a mistake, slow to react

I hate 'kiss me thru the phone' and 'buy u a drank' but I know the words. Its your fault. I sorta like those songs to be honest. Thats your fault too.

I'm sick of pretending to be someone I'm not around some of my best friends just so they'll accept me.

I'm tired of one sided relationships.

I'm beyond sick of being compared to you. By everyone.

You take everything from me. And nobody cares. Because you're better than me.

I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm sick of dealing with everyone's bullshit.

Today I taught someone how to swim. I was so proud of her when she put her face in the water. She's the only reason I want to go to school tomorrow. 

Whatever whatever I can't speak

I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope it's good.

The homecoming buzz is starting to wear off. Unfortunately.

I need to relax.

Take deep breath.

Let it happen.

If it is going to happen, then it will. If it's not then it wont.

I just keep reminding myself that I'm not the exception.

I'm the rule.

I'm the rule. 

I'm just the rule.

Not the exception.

I'm just the rule.

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

I made fun of the fact that our homecoming theme was "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" but I kind of secretly loved it and let my imagination wander around the different perfect scenarios.

Homecoming was perfect. Shane and I danced to "Don't wanna miss a thing" and he kissed me. And it was so corny. But it was perfect in the senior year high school dance scene in my movie life. I'm so pleased. 

After the dance I was supposed to go up with him to Ligonier, but once again it fell through. So I just came home. But it's okay because I'm a little sleepy. I almost went to this thing at Kyle's but I decided against it. I didn't want to ruin my night. So I just came home.

My hair was perfect. My makeup looked awesome. And my dress was pretty.

Oh, and Shane got me flowers. Even though he said he wouldn't. 

I feel like such a gross girl. Gushing about homecoming. But I had a lot of fun. And I finally got the boy I liked. I hope so at least. I like him.

I don't know what's gonna happen. Pope asked me when we all went to Denny's, but I wasn't really sure what to say. Then he asked if I was being my normal Cate self or if I'm being intelligent. I don't know what that means, but I have a guess. And if it's right, I'm gonna be mad at Pope. Because I don't want him assuming things. 

Chris got a picture of me and Shane dancing. I hope it gets posted soon. I want it. 

Colt 45 and two zig zags, baby that's all we need

Last night was a lot of fun. Shane and Chris came and picked me up and we went downtown. For a while we just sat in Shane's car and listened to music. Then Zach Pope, Brant King, and some other people showed up and we hung out with them. Eventually Kayla came as well. Pope and Shane taught me how to longboard. Them teaching me at first involved me holding one of their hands while they ran back and forth so I could get used to being on the board. But then I got used to it and everyone said I picked it up pretty fast. It's fun. Next I told them they have to teach me how to skateboard so when I go to college in a city I won't need a car. 

So then Blaine showed up and we just hung out some more and did nothing. We played some piddidle, which I haven't done in a while, and despite Pope's predictions, I didn't lose.

I mostly spent the night around Shane, which is why I had so much fun I think. When I was cold I went and sat in his car and he kept coming over and talking to me, and standing really close to me, and he sat with me at McDonald's. At McDonald's I was like 'aw. Amber and I used to get hot fudge Sundays. I'll get one of those for old time's sake.' Yeah, that was the dumbest idea ever because it was COLD. So I FROZE.

At one point, Brant, Pope, Chris, and Kayla were in the back seat and me, Blaine, and Shane were in the front seat. Someone put on the song "Crazy Rap" by Afroman. I'd never heard it before and neither had Kayla, but everyone else knew all the words. It was hilarious.

Today I'm going up to the fort and I'm taking Pope. We're gonna go meet up with Shane. Later tonight everyone's coming up to Shane's and we're all hanging out. Then tomorrow is HOMECOMING with Kayla Chris and Shaaaane. I'm excited.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

My last few blogs were really pretty fucked up, so I'm sorry about that. I'll try to contain myself more. I was just really frustrated, and I put it off for as long as I could, but eventually I just had to get it out. I'm not very good at keeping my emotions internalized. I still feel like I did yesterday, but it's a little more hidden today, ad not as intense.

I went shopping the past two days to cheer myself up. I bought a brown skirt, a pencil skirt, and a purple skirt for RHPS. I got an orange shirt, and a red shirt, and a t-shirt, and a water bottle, and three pairs of high heels, one of which were for homecoming. And a pair of lacy tights. They're my Lady Gaga tights. The thing about it is, is that shopping and buying fancy clothes actually does make me feel a little better. Of course, this was only temporary, because when I wore my brown skirt, orange shirt, lady gaga tights, and brown high heel boots to school today, Sam Prichard told me how stupid I looked. And Conner acted like a totally dickhole in chamber choir. So my outfit that was supposed to cheer me up and make me feel pretty just made me feel terrible. This paragraph makes me feel very materialistic. 

It's late. I'm gonna die when I have to wake up tomorrow.

I think the song Afterlife by Avenged Sevenfold is so cool. Someday I'll choreograph a ballet to it. I can't wait. I see it in my brain and it's awesomee.

Last night I had a dream that the end of the world came in 2012 like the mayans predict. I'm pretty scared about that, to be totally honest. I work up freaking out.

Arresting moons within our eyes and smiles

I hate who I've become.

I hate who I've become.

I hate who I've become.

I hate what I've become.

I hate what I've become.

I hate what I've become.

I hate what I've become.

If I could go back I would change so many things. So so so so many little things. Things that I didn't comprehend would come back to haunt me later. There is so much I regret. And I can't ever change it.

I always wondered why I didn't feel guilty at the time or right after. It's because all the guilt, pain, hatred, and shame was all building up for RIGHT NOW.

I need to get away. I need to go somewhere where people don't know me. I want to be someone new. Somewhere where I can decide who I want to be for the rest of my life. 

Hate is a really strong word.

If someone were to ask me if I hated someone, I'd tell them that I don't hate anyone.

That isn't necessarily true if I'm being honest.

Once, Theresa called me some pretty terrible things when we were arguing.

Later, she told me she didn't mean them and that she'd just said them out of anger.

I think she was dead on.

Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive

It's really dark in my room. There's just the computer screen and my clock and the stereo and the light that filters in through my blinds. 

It's really quiet in my room. All that I can hear is myself typing this blog. And when I pause for a minute all there is is my mom typing something from her room.

It's really crowded in my room. There's the books, the CDs, the vinyls, the TV, the stereo, the record player, the piano, the desk, the bed, the end table, and all of the various things laying on my floor. But I'm alone. There isn't anybody around. Well, there's always Oats. 

I feel trapped. I feel trapped inside my body. I feel trapped inside room. I feel trapped inside my family. I feel trapped inside my school. I feel trapped inside my life. 

I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody is even looking up.

I need out.

Please look up.