Good Vibrations

I've written four drabbles in the past month. I entered the one into serendipity this issue, and I'll do the other three for next issue. They're so delightfully random. Plus, they're fantastic because if they try to edit them, it screws with my word count, which defeats the purpose of the drabble. It's great.

I've been hanging out with AJ a lot at rehearsal. I can't decide if this is good or bad. He's fun to hang around and stuff. I think I've upset Kaleb though. I've heard that he likes me but he has yet to do anything about it. I really hope they have another man party sometime soon. I wanna go. AJ has a nice pool and a sauna and it would be fuuuuun. Although being around AJ, Connor, Jack, Aaron, and Kaleb in a bikini kind of makes me a little nervous.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. At all. I just want to go in late. I'm so over high school. I hate every minute of it.

I'm gonna take you down with one little song.

Today was sort of crap.

But it sort of wasn't. I don't know. Like, it was a bad day and the predominate emotion most of the day was misery(hahahaha wooow that sounded melodramatic) but it was sort of good too.

My other friends want to take me to New York for senior week...even though I'm not a senior. Whatever. It's gonna be so much fun. Living in an apartment in New York for a week...unsupervised with Kaleb, Jack, A.J., and Thea. Wow. It's gonna be a party all the time.

I wish I was more excited for the retreat tomorrow. I know it's just gonna be couple couple island the whole time. I hate being/feeling left out. I hate third wheel even more. Honestly, there's a part of me that doesn't even want to go right now. But I have to. And in the end I'll be glad I went. (As usual, I will drag you the entire way, kicking and screaming, and in the end you will thank me.)

However, I think it's time for the teen girls to go on a a bikini/boxer run....which I'm very excited for, assuming it happens.

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle

I visited a college in New York today. And I auditioned for Idlewild.

I wasn't nuts about the college. I pretty much nailed my audition.

I came with my guitar, and sang "Mama who bore me" from spring awakening. Then I sang the first verse of "Freddy my love" because he asked me to sing something else. Then he was like "I'm really interested in you. I like you a lot." Which is like, a big deal. He gave me "I will survive" to sing, which was sorta eh because I don't know it that well because disco sucks. So then he gave me "America the beautiful" to sing, which I belted and sounded fantastic on. THEN he was like I'm gonna dance you, and he gave me this really cool combo that I sorta messed up when he was taping it (The whole thing was taped, by the way) but he said I picked it up fast, which is a compliment in audition world. Plus, if they dance you, they aren't looking for perfection, they're looking for effort and commitment. So I'm not worried about it. Then we talked some more, and he took pictures and measurements. All-in-all, the audition that was supposed to last two minutes according to the web site lasted about 45. That's really REALLY good. That means I have a pretty good chance of being hired.

This is both a good thing, and a bad thing.

Good because I'd be making a ton of money. Plus I'd be doing what I love- preforming on stage. Plus, I'd be getting practice in dancing and singing, which is what I need practice in before I go to college land. And a year of theme park looks fantastic on any resume, especially when I finally get out in the real world and start auditioning, like...post-college.

Bad because I'd hardly get any time off- one day every five. And I'd be working noon till 9:30-10 at night. So I wouldn't get to see my friends. At all. Because chances are the day that I'd have off everyone would be busy on couple couple island (sorry ange) and wouldn't have time for me. The other problem with this is no ASP. The most I'd be able to get off is 2 days in a row unless I beg and plead, which still is a possibility. This is like my last year of being a kid, and I'd be throwing it away. And I'm afraid everyone would just accept life without me and move on and it wouldn't matter.

However, I haven't even been hired yet, and I won't know till second week in March, he said...I think. There's a part of me that wants this really bad, but there's a part of me that will die if I get hired.

You might find you get what you need

When my parents got their divorce, my mom had to leave 90% of her albums in Florida. Which has always been kind of a big deal to me since I know my mom had some really good ones.

Well, yesterday, I got two giant packages in the mail from Tommie. (btw, I know that's the girl's spelling of Tommy...my dad's retarded and he spells it like that anyway) So after rehearsal I came home and opened them up....and it was the albums.

There's literally like, 150ish albums. The White Album, Hard Days Night, Let It Be, Rubber Soul. There's some ZZ Top, Pure Prairie League, Dark Side by Floyd is in there, which I was surprised to see. Ummm...The Kinks, Cat Stevens, CSNY, Yes, Cheap Trick, Eric Clapton, George Harrison, I think there's a Led Zeppelin in there, but it's not in the right case. There's some Rolling stones, including the original Some Girls which was pulled from shelves after a week because everyone sued them. There's also the original Street Survivor with the flames on the cover that was pulled a few days after it was released because Ronnie Van Zant died in a plane crash. There's a bunch of really great albums...I'm so excited about it.

Everyone should come to my house and burn incense with me and listen to my albums.

We will surely drown

I just want to sleep. But I can't because of this stupid paper I'm supposed to be writing about how if I had to, I'd avoid the draft (what the hell).

I need to practice juditzu. I have all this pent up energy and frustration and nothing to take it out on. Plus, A.J. seems to think that a physical fight is the way to go, and I want to be able to not die. And I'd like to humiliate him and win...especially if it were in front of people. That would make me feel better. Since his forte seems to be making me feel like a piece of garbage.

I hate needing to talk to someone and not having the guts to do it for fear of being rejected. Maybe not needing, wanting. Nothing is the same anymore...I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Everything changed gradually and now nothing is the same. I miss hearing familiar voices and being comfortable.

...Promise Not to Stop When I Say When

Rehearsal was total shit. I'm actually going to scream.

I'm tired of other cast members bossing me around. I wouldn't do it to you, so don't fucking do it to me. I actually plan on doing whatever bullshit choreography how I'm gonna do it. Not how you would. So thanks for the input, but I'm good.

And I'm sick of being made fun of. I get it that it's just a joke. I get it that it's not a big deal to you. I get it that my feelings don't count for shit. These are things that I know. But it doesn't matter. I know I can't sing the song. I know I look and sound like a cow with laryngitis. Thanks for re-enforcing that in my mind.

And just for the record, talking about how stunning beautiful Michelle is in front of me doesn't help much. I just wish I counted as a person. And I wish I could hold someone's interest for more than two weeks, which is in fact, my record. God, what do I have to do? My greatest fear is that I'm good enough to fuck but not good enough to love. Am I even that? Well, doesn't look like it.

I cannot deal with this shit. So much for being calm.

Cages or Wings? Which do you prefer? Ask the birds.

I've calmed down a great deal in the past few days.

The gov school thing was just sort of a punch in the gut that I wasn't prepared for. I just thought that was fairly stable and consistent. Apparently, I was wrong. Anyway, as of now, nothing has happened yet, but they're probably going to cut the funding, and maybe even shut down the school.

This past week has been long and stressful, and I'm glad it's over. It's been so much worse than it normally would have been because I don't have anyone to talk to. By the time rehearsal lets out everyone is either off on couple couple island, except amber, who is probably busy. So I've been sort of letting everything build up until the gov school news pretty much caused a break down. I wish I had someone to talk to anymore.

My birthday was good and fairly stress free. Even my dad called to wish me a happy birthday, even though it was a day late and it just turned into a lecture ish thing. Nobody cried at the party this year, which is a pretty big deal since this is the first time nobody cried at one of my parties in the history of all my birthday parties. I got some really cool stuff, the highlights being the peace sign earrings from amber and the effects thing for my guitar from my mom. Speaking of earrings, I tried to get my cartledge pierced today with my birthday money but nobody would believe my I'm-eighteen-I-just-don't-have-my-license-with-me crap. I am disappointed with the ear piercing youth of America and their unwillingness to bend the rules.

I'm so tired of boy problems. It's such a waste of my time because I'll probably just die alone anyway. *sigh* So many other things that I could be doing.

So tonight at youth was like, the first time in a long time that I actually worshiped when we sang. I think it's because of Amazing Grace...which I just cant take. Ever.

I can't wait for summer. I can't wait to lay out in the grass and fall asleep looking at the sky. I can't wait to ride my bike everywhere. I can't wait to wear jean shorts and to go swimming in the middle of the night. I can't wait for bon fires and cherries and playing my guitar balanced on the beam on my porch and sleeping with the window opening and listening to the night. I'm so excited to have warm skin from the sun and a tan. I can't wait to go to flat rock and patty's hole and to go bridge jumping.

Last year was the most significant year of my life thus far. I need this year to be just as good.

Show me a face as clean as the morning

The governor cut the funding for governor's school. So now that my mom has lost her job, even if I do get accepted, I can't go. I am beyond devastated. I have wanted this for so long and now it's gone. The one thing I wanted. I don't understand.

I cannot stop crying and I cannot stop listening to Suddenly, Seymour. And Bui Doi. And You Walk With Me. And all the other Broadway songs that I love that make me cry.

I feel like a terrible person because people have such difficult lives, and here I am falling apart over governor's school. I didn't think I wanted to even go this bad. I think a lot of it is the stress of this week. The musical, A.J., Laura Shuhart and my birthday party....

I feel like I'm gonna be sick.