I have no doubt one day the sun will come out

I have two memories that I associate with the song "Lovers in Japan" by Coldplay.

The first is sitting between Ande and Seth in Seth's bedroom on his couch. We were listening to Viva La Vida on vinyl. It was beautiful. I opened my eyes just in time to see Seth play the piano intro on the arm of his couch.

The second is driving to Youngstown to mail a letter at the post office. I took Jack along with me and he was sitting in the passenger seat. The window was open and he stuck his head out momentarily to smell the breeze. He looked back at me and smiled the way dogs do sometimes.

Every time I hear that song I think of these two things simultaneously. There isn't one memory that I prefer over the other. I think they're both lovely.

And I'm still hurting.

"You are all that keeps me from sliding into some dark place."

"But how did I keep you? We barely knew each other. A few moments."

"A thousand moments! They're like a bag of tiny diamonds glittering in a black heart. Don't matter if they're real or things I made up. The shape of your neck, that's real. You were always carrying a tray."

"You wouldn't come inside."

"I wouldn't come inside."

"I had to carry a tray to come out and see you."

"The way you felt when I pulled you to me. That kiss- which I kissed again everyday of my walking."

"Everyday of my waiting..."

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I heard this today, and it made me think of you.

I want you back.

Here I lie on my own in a separate sky.

Tomorrow will be a full week since I've seen Jesse. I still miss him, but i can sleep now, and I can eat and breathe. I couldn't the first two or three days. But I realized that this is going to be the first of many times we're separated, and probably the shortest. It will be significantly easier once his letters start coming. I've send him at least one every day, sometimes two or three. I can't wait to hear about basic, but at the same time I'm nervous because I know what hell he must be going through. Although I also know that he won't be telling me the worst of it, because he isn't allowed.

Due to a lack of human contact, I've been reading a lot. I read The Bridges of Madison County two days ago, hung out with my mom yesterday, and today I'm reading Slapstick. If I didn't have to go to work today I'd probably finish it. I'm expecting A Million Little Pieces and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close to arrive today or Monday, so I'll read them next. I have a feeling my main company this summer is going to be my mom, my pets, my books, and Ange. I don't really feel like partying or bending over backwards to hang out with anyone or making new friends, so I'm just gonna read. Which is fine. I used to do that all the time before I had real friends.

I'm sewing a teddy bear for Jesse. I don't remember if I've said that yet or not..I don't think. He's brown and orange flannel and I'm gonna sew him an orange hunting jacket and hat. He'll be my teddy bear for a long time because he can't take that with him to specialized training after boot. But I think Jesse will like him anyway because I made it especially for him. Sewing is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I practically had an anxiety attack that I was gonna cut out the pattern wrong. Tomorrow I learn how to use a sewing machine...

A working class hero is something to be.

To all of you dicks out there who are rude to your waitresses and waiters and don't tip: FUCK YOU. Seriously. We make $2.45 an hour, and depend on your tips. Don't be stingy. It's not cool. And 99% of the time, the thing you're being rude to your waitress about isn't her fault. And although it's convenient for you to forget it, we're people too. You don't know what kind of a day we could be having. Like yesterday, when a ton of people got sat in my section at the same time, and they all ordered really weird and strangely specific things, and got bitchy. Plus on top of this, I was upset because I'd just found out more disturbing news about Aubrey AND yesterday was the first shift I was working that I didn't get to see Jesse after. So everyone was rude and annoying and specific and demanding and I was stressed and sad and then someone said 'Well, your boyfriend's probably waiting for you after your shift is over' and I cracked and almost started crying in the dining room. Luckily I got to go on break and I cried it out in my car and afterwards it was ok. Then I got some crack pot dad with his weird family being rude and yelling at me. Listen. If it's 11 o'clock at night and you have tired, hungry, cranky kids, take them to McDonalds. Not a restaurant. But that's beside the point.

"Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook you meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not...fuck with us."

Always be nice to custodians and secretaries. Always be kind to the people who cook your food and clean up your messes. Because even though we're just the dumb, working, masses and you're so much better than us, we remember you. And we aren't the people you want on your bad side.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

I remember when Katie and I were in french class in 9th or 10th grade and we were talking about Dave. He was going somewhere and he had to leave early in the morning, and she woke up at the same time and just sat there curled in a ball under her covers. Jesse woke up around four this morning. So did I. I've been laying in bed listening to the CD I made him. I didn't know why I woke up so suddenly, but when I checked my facebook just now, he'd written on my wall an hour before when he was in the hotel lobby on his way to catch his plane. It made me think of when Katie woke up so she could be awake with Dave. I'm glad I was with Jess this morning.

I got less than four hours of sleep last night, but no matter what I do, I can't go back to sleep. I feel so ridiculous for acting like this. I can't help it. I'm trying so hard to be brave but it's hard without Jeese to hold my hand and help me along the way. The thought of going to work and not seeing him after my shift is over is so upsetting. My bed feels so empty without him laying next to me. I'm used to rolling over and seeing him next to me, his huge shoulders like a mountain, and his feet hanging off the end of the bed, and his face totally calm and peaceful. I'm used to rolling over into big arms that tighten around me and hold me against his warm body. I rolled over to a cold bed today and an old shirt that still smells faintly of him.

When we first started dating, he asked me if this sort of life was what I really wanted. I don't, really, but I do want him. I just didn't expect it to be this hard. I wish summer was over. I've never wanted fall to come so bad. And it's only day 1 of 94.

Breathe in, breathe out.

This morning was rough. I cried a lot. I carried Oats around with me all over the house. I didn't leave my bed for a few hours while I waited for Jesse to wake up. Then when I finally did get to see him, it wasn't for long. And I cried some more. Today was really hard, but its almost over now. I haven't cried since I said goodbye at 3:45.

Blaine, I don't think you know how much you helped me today. I don't know what I would have done if you wouldn't have come found me... probably wrecked my car, because I couldn't breathe or think or see where I was going.

Today was hard, because I feel very alone now. Jesse is the person I tell everything to. When something funny happens, I tell Jesse. When I hear a song that makes me think of Jesse, I text him the lyrics. When something upsets me, Jesse holds me until it's better. Jesse was my whole life for the past few months and it's going to be really rough not hearing his voice and looking into his eyes and seeing him smile and touching his skin every day. But in the grand scheme of life, it's only three months. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It may seem stupid because we're young and naive, but I know what I'm feeling right now, and I know what I've been feeling, and it's not something that I would feel if I didn't genuinely care about him. I believe the point of dating is to find the person you want to marry. If they aren't someone you could see yourself with for the rest of your life, stop wasting your time and theirs. I wouldn't be staying with Jesse if I didn't think that he was worth it. It's funny, because when we first started dating, I remember saying to my mom 'It's not like I plan on marrying him... it's just fun to be around him.' Things have changed a lot since then. Life without him makes me physically sick.

This fool can die now with a heart that soared

Yesterday was draining. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I've never prayed so hard in my entire life. Aubrey is ok though.

Today Jesse leaves. I was supposed to spend all day with him yesterday but we all spent the day searching for Aubrey. For those of you who don't know, Aubrey is the youngest of Jesse's siblings. She was reported missing and there was an amber alert out for her.

She walked in the door last night like nothing was wrong.

Today I get to see Jesse to say goodbye. When everyone says goodbye. I don't get any alone time with him. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. The thought of it makes me cry.

Send the pain below, much life suffocating

Have you ever noticed that when you're dreading something, it follows you everywhere?

It's stupid to take the blankets on your bed and lay them in a dirty field and then put them back on your bed when you get home. But at 2 am, if you're thinking just as clearly as normal and all your thoughts aren't clouded by sleepsleepsleep, then you're a better person than I am.

Jesse won me a goldfish at the fair last week. I won one too. We named them Allie and Noah. They're lovely and healthy. If they die, I'm not going to be ok.

Yesterday, Jesse's brother Jack called him from Afghanistan. He complimented Jesse for the first time in his life and told him how proud of him he was and how he can't wait for him to be a Marine. I tried to be happy for him, except that he called us when we were on a date in the middle of the night in Blairsville. And he told me Jack said "Dude. I don't care what you have to do, or what you have to say, get rid of this girl, because while you're gone she's going to have miles of cock inside her." I was so offended and disgusted...it doesn't even matter that Jack doesn't know me or that he doesn't know me and Jesse's situation....I was so upset I wanted to cry. I wish someone other than Jesse believed that we are going to last over the time that he's gone. It would make this a lot easier. Because the one person that's in my corner rooting me on is the one person that's leaving. And I'm just stating this now for the record: Once he's gone, I'm really going to need my friends. I don't ask for help unless I need it, and I know I'm going to need it. He isn't even gone yet and I'm having panic attacks and crying myself to sleep because I'm so scared for him and because the prospect of him leaving me behind brings up all these feelings of abandonment that I never dealt with, just pushed below and avoided. So please. If you love me, help me. I know I've disappeared off the face of the earth the past few months, but please don't hold that against me. I need you guys.

In my life I loved you more.

I wish I was enough for you.

I know I'm not.

And I know I never will be.

Today was just a taste of what the future holds.

I thought I was stronger than this.

Eyes Wide Open, Naked as We Came

Skinny dipping was a lot of fun. It was cold and the water was dirty and I got it in my mouth and eyes, but Jesse was there and his feet touched the bottom so he held me. I felt like a red neck, swimming naked with my boyfriend in a river, but it had a lovely sort of innocence to it. There's a rope swing and it was fun jumping in from up in the tree and landing in the water. There was a light, warm rain that made the river smell electric, and when I went underwater, it sounded like being inside a pop can, with the current going by and the rain fizzing on the surface. We didn't stay long, because I was cold and we were getting eaten alive by bugs, and then we had to run back to avoid more bug bites, and we didn't have towels so we were soaking wet in our jeans, but it was worth it. It's a beautiful memory.