Send the pain below, much life suffocating

Have you ever noticed that when you're dreading something, it follows you everywhere?

It's stupid to take the blankets on your bed and lay them in a dirty field and then put them back on your bed when you get home. But at 2 am, if you're thinking just as clearly as normal and all your thoughts aren't clouded by sleepsleepsleep, then you're a better person than I am.

Jesse won me a goldfish at the fair last week. I won one too. We named them Allie and Noah. They're lovely and healthy. If they die, I'm not going to be ok.

Yesterday, Jesse's brother Jack called him from Afghanistan. He complimented Jesse for the first time in his life and told him how proud of him he was and how he can't wait for him to be a Marine. I tried to be happy for him, except that he called us when we were on a date in the middle of the night in Blairsville. And he told me Jack said "Dude. I don't care what you have to do, or what you have to say, get rid of this girl, because while you're gone she's going to have miles of cock inside her." I was so offended and disgusted...it doesn't even matter that Jack doesn't know me or that he doesn't know me and Jesse's situation....I was so upset I wanted to cry. I wish someone other than Jesse believed that we are going to last over the time that he's gone. It would make this a lot easier. Because the one person that's in my corner rooting me on is the one person that's leaving. And I'm just stating this now for the record: Once he's gone, I'm really going to need my friends. I don't ask for help unless I need it, and I know I'm going to need it. He isn't even gone yet and I'm having panic attacks and crying myself to sleep because I'm so scared for him and because the prospect of him leaving me behind brings up all these feelings of abandonment that I never dealt with, just pushed below and avoided. So please. If you love me, help me. I know I've disappeared off the face of the earth the past few months, but please don't hold that against me. I need you guys.