Breathe in, breathe out.

This morning was rough. I cried a lot. I carried Oats around with me all over the house. I didn't leave my bed for a few hours while I waited for Jesse to wake up. Then when I finally did get to see him, it wasn't for long. And I cried some more. Today was really hard, but its almost over now. I haven't cried since I said goodbye at 3:45.

Blaine, I don't think you know how much you helped me today. I don't know what I would have done if you wouldn't have come found me... probably wrecked my car, because I couldn't breathe or think or see where I was going.

Today was hard, because I feel very alone now. Jesse is the person I tell everything to. When something funny happens, I tell Jesse. When I hear a song that makes me think of Jesse, I text him the lyrics. When something upsets me, Jesse holds me until it's better. Jesse was my whole life for the past few months and it's going to be really rough not hearing his voice and looking into his eyes and seeing him smile and touching his skin every day. But in the grand scheme of life, it's only three months. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It may seem stupid because we're young and naive, but I know what I'm feeling right now, and I know what I've been feeling, and it's not something that I would feel if I didn't genuinely care about him. I believe the point of dating is to find the person you want to marry. If they aren't someone you could see yourself with for the rest of your life, stop wasting your time and theirs. I wouldn't be staying with Jesse if I didn't think that he was worth it. It's funny, because when we first started dating, I remember saying to my mom 'It's not like I plan on marrying him... it's just fun to be around him.' Things have changed a lot since then. Life without him makes me physically sick.