I will float in silence gingerly

Katie pointed out to me today that I tend to read books and see myself in the characters.

Spinal Cord Perception: I was afraid I was like Emma- hollow and shallow and perrtty much a waste of space.

Girl, Interrupted: I was convinced I had Borderline Personality Disorder. At one point I thought I might be a sociopath, but I decided that I was more likely borderline.

I think there's a third one that I can't remember right now.

But anyway, even though I realize that I just think these things after I read it in a book, I still think them. I still think I'm like Emma. And I still think I have BPD.... even I've talked to a psych nurse and she said I don't have it....

Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac.

I got the lead in the play. I'm so excited. I'm gonna have the final bow. I hope so at least.

Logan still isn't talking to me. He doesn't even put his stuff on my shelf in human figure anymore. Its driving me crazy.

I'm getting sick of my mother. I was trying to spray one of my charcoal sketches this afternoon with that clear stuff that keeps it from smearing. The top exploded when I pushed down on the button thing and it got everywhere. Luckily, it didn't go in my eyes. However, it did get on the deck. Is my mother concerned for her child's safety? Nope, just her deck. She started screaming about it- literally screaming- and got all up in my face. Then I asked about dinner and she flipped again. So now I'm back up in my room since all I do is cause trouble.

I think I know you best when I sleep

I have the most drastic mood swings ever. I don't know how anyone puts up with me. One day I'm too upset to even stay in school the whole day, and then today I'm bouncing off the walls.

Well, to my own defense, I'm in a good mood because I saw shane today and call backs for the play went really well. I think I'm gonna get cast as Olive, which would be awesome. If so, I'll have to dye my hair red. I'm excited.

I made shane hot chocolate and took it to the farmer's market thingy in Latrobe behind the stadium. I like him. I hope I get to see him this weekend. 

My mother and I had a really bad fight the other day. Like, really bad. And for some reason Logan isn't talking to me. I think he thinks that I'm mad because he said he was gonna go to homecoming, but I'm not because I'm going with Shane. I was mad originally, but only for like, 15 minutes. 

I've just finished reading The Spinal Cord Perception. I loved it, but I'm afraid I'm like Emma. Actually, I'm terrified. Also that I'm perceived to be like Emma. It's been bothering me ever since her character was introduced into the book. So I'm gonna shut up and try to not be obnoxious like I am. Because the thought of being an empty shell of a human being like her is really upsetting me. 

I didn't get to sleep till really late last night so I wasn't all that rested. I haven't had any other interesting dreams that i can remember.... or any dreams I can remember for that matter.

I'm going to go paint. I have an idea. It's sorta stupid, but I have three canvases I made myself and nothing to do tonight, so what the hell. I'll give it a shot.

I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter

I had another dream last night.

I was swinging on a swing set with three other people- Ande, Kayla, and Logan. There were other people on swing sets down the line that I'm friends with too. And there were these men that were wearing all black and they were standing behind us with guns shooting at us. But we just kept on swinging. However, at one point, everything slowed down like it does in movies, and Ande looked and me and smiled kinda sadly, and said, 'I think we're about to die with our backs turned.' 'I don't want to die being shot in the back.' 'I don't either...' So he and I turned around just in time for all the men to shoot us in unison in the heads, Ande and I in the forehead. We were all hit and we all fell off the swings. For a minute we just laid on the ground in the wood chips but then we all started to slowly get up. And that's when we realized that it would take us three days or so to die. So we started to walk away when Logan walks directly up to Kayla, grabs her, and kisses her. Then it cuts to us standing up on a grassy hill. Eric Palanko, who must have been on another swing, comes over to me and hugs me. and we just stand there hugging for a minute thinking about all the stuff that we're not going to be able to do. Then it cuts to my basement. My grandma's old white ford escort is sitting down in the area that my bike and washer and dryer are. Julie Hendrixon and Becca Rudy are playing a game to pass the time where one of them is listing the number in the book and the other one has to guess the rule. Ande's leaning against the wall pulling paint off the car. There's a TV in the corner with my grandma talking on it, but nobody is really watching it. At this point it's getting harder for us to stay awake because we're slowly dying. I walk over to Ande and take his hand and pull him down the hall. Once we get over to the closet, I put my hands on his face, stand up on my tiptoes, and kissed him. (What's crazy about this dream is the details of everything that I remember...I remember the way that we kissed. I remember what clothes people were wearing. I remember feeling the hangers touch the back of my neck because the closet was open. It was incredibly real to me and incredibly vivid.) And as we kissed, I started to lose my balance and fall and he caught me. Cut to the commons area at my high school. There was a breakfast there and a ton of tables were set up. It smelled like pancakes. Aaron Grey was playing the piano in the corner. Kayla goes running past me and tells Ande that they need to go talk. I get a text from Ande saying 'meet me in the senior parking lot later.' I go say goodbye to Aaron and walk outside. Cut to the top of the senior lot. Melissa Rachael, Kaleb, and Kevin were standing there talking about when I thought we would all finally die. Ande walks up to me and asks if I'm ready to go. We start walking towards his car. Cut to a hill. Ande and I are standing on top of a hill. There are daisies everywhere. We're just staring at each other. Then we turn  our heads and look out over the horizon and up at the sky.

Then I woke up.

And when I wake tomorrow I'll bet that you and I will walk together again.

bubble bath. good book. bat boy. getting stuck in the driveway. Christmas decorations. Hot Topic. Manchester Orchestra LP. Victoria's Secret Pink sale. Used book sale. Walden Books. Nag Champa. Claire's. Headbands. Earrings. Shoplifting. Potato chips. Nail polish. Boys. The Killers. Books. Sex. Drugs. Rock and Roll. Friends. Memories. Explanations. Secrets. 

I had a good day with you.

I'd love to turn you on

Raisin bran looks really unappetizing...just brown flakes partially submerged in milk with little black raisin dots sticking out randomly. It tastes what I imagine flavored cardboard would taste like.

A strand of my Christmas lights in my room went out of Wednesday. I'm glad that they'll be selling it again soon because I can never find it any other time of the year. 

I'm excited for the cabaret tonight. I love my monologue. It's so strange. (Its the monologue from Fading Joy by Walter Wykes that starts out "Hello? Mother Moon? Can you hear me?" if anyone wants to read it.) And I decided that I'm gonna sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", because I only want to sing "What ever happened to my part?" if it's flawless, and it's not sooo I'm singing Somewhere. Plus that songs prettier and everyone knows it....and hopefully I'll get to close the night with it. Plus I'm singing Love Heals with a bunch of people...and although that doesn't sound perfect since we've only all sang it together once, it's good enough. Hopefully I can get the videos on facebook. 

I think I'm going to take a bubble bath and read and listen to music and burn insense this morning. I've been on a Viva La Vida kick lately. I'll probably listen to that.

Paying debt to karma you party for a living.

I just had a bizarre dream.

Okay, so there were a bunch of people at the Jonczak's house. The people that stand out to me now were Katie Shannon, Sam Prichard, Tony Marino (and I was like WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?!?!?! in the back of my mind...not even my dream self. haha) and this one kid from my chamber choir class that does the lights and sound for the productions at my school. And Seth, Christian, Cara, and Cindy. The outside of the house looked like their house but not the inside. The inside is like, huge. And really really fancy. And their driveway is a lot longer and on a hill slightly and it's right next to an six foot embankment that goes to a pretty big hole filled with water. 

So all these cars are double parked the entire way down the driveway. And mine is one of the closest ones to the garage door. There was one or two cars between me and the garage door. For some reason we all decide to go somewhere. I don't remember where, or who we were going with, but at this point it's getting pretty late. So  before we go I lock my car and go over to someone else's car that's parked in front of me and set my keys in their back seat between the cushions so that I don't have to carry them in my pocket all night. So we go and get in the car and leave. 

So then we come back and I'm walking back towards the house and I see Tony creeping around ahead of me and goes over to where I put my keys and slowly pulls them out of the car. And he starts tiptoeing back towards where my car is parked. And I notice the suburban is there, which he hasn't driven for years. And it's parked semi close to me. And although I'm not blocking him in, I decide that I need to move my car for him so he'll leave. So I call over to him 'Tony! Do you need me to move my car for you?' and I take the keys from him and walk towards my car. 'Tony, I can't move my car. Katie Shannon double parked me. So go find her and tell her to move her car and I'll move mine then too.' 

So I turn around to go look for Katie, and all these kids are standing there, the one in my chamber class in the front, wearing a bright yellow shirt. And they're all turned around staring at my car. So I turn back around and my jeep wrangler is parked on top of it. And there's mud everywhere and my car is all dented and ruined. The jeep, of course, looks fine. In the dream though, it wasn't my jeep. It was the kid in the yellow shirt's wrangler. So anyway, they're all laughing and everything, and I start flipping out. But first I pull out my phone and take a picture. Because I need to have proof that this actually happened. But then I'm like, crying and getting really upset. And sometimes when I look at my car it looks like my car, just really beat up, and other times its just a huge pile of dirt, complete with tufts of grass and weeds randomly sticking out of it. Time jumps and all of a sudden it's light out and all the cars are gone, and I'm laying out in the middle of the road curled up in the fetal position. And I'm bawling so hard I cant breathe or talk or do anything. And I start screaming. Like not even saying words. Then Sam comes outside with someone else and they're standing by the house looking down into the embankment. And I come to realize that what they did was put the jeep down in the hole with the water and drive it up the embankment really fast, using it like a ramp, and got the jeep on my car. So I sit up and start screaming about how I trusted them to leave my keys there and that I can't believe they would do this. And I fall back onto the street into the fetal position again. I try to call my mom but she doesn't answer. And Sam is being all Sam-like and goes 'Cate, listen. It's not that bad. It's only like...$6,200 worth of damage, right? You can just get it all fixed up again.' And I say that I don't have that kind of money. And I stand up and go inside. But I don't know how to find everyone. And I'm like, yelling at Cindy and Cara to help me find them. For some reason I'm starting to lose my vision which is getting black around the edges. Finally I find them and they're all sitting around a big round glass table enjoying themselves eating pretzels and laughing. So I pick up a handful of pretzels and throw them at the kid and go 'listen. You BETTER be here to explain this to my mother when she gets here. Because I'm not explaining that to her. So you can plan on not going to your soccer game.' (now it's a different kid, but in my mind he's the same one.) and he says okay and I turn to walk away and go back outside.

Then I woke up. Not one of my weirdest dreams...it was actually pretty normal. Normally they're super strange and trippy. It was still pretty vivid though aaas usual. 

Excuse me is my rant taking too long? Is it getting in the way of this lovely song?

I wrote a really long blog the other day. I accidentally closed the window before I posted it. It had a title and everything.

I hate it when you have an objective and people won't get off your back.

No, I don't want to meet you in greensburg and make out. Back off.

NO. I DO NOT WANT TO SEND YOU PICTURES OF MY FEET IN SOCKS. STOP ASKING. IT'S FUCKED UP.

Who give a shit where the cat is? Not me. She's a cat. She's doing cat things. Leave her alone.

I worked on my new monologue today. I seriously underestimated the complexity of this character. 

Mr Duda asked me about my dad today and over the course of a five minute conversation, pretty much told him the whole dad-story. And he actually cared. It's nice having teachers that care. 

My relationship with Logan has changed over the past few days. I don't know why it's changed, but I don't like it.

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I feel restless but I'm so tired. I'm might take some nyquill...or I might stay up and read. I like this book. It's different. Its that itch to run away. That's what's keeping me up.

I've managed to mess up my room again. 

I think the majority of my friendships are lopsided. I try to tell myself that it's just because I'm overly emotional and everyone else is just normal or introverted  so it just seems like that, but I don't think I actually believe that. I think that that's one of the worst feelings in the world...caring about someone more than they care about you. Because I pretty much adore all of my friends. Chances are, if I talk to you on a semi-regular basis or hang out with you, I spend the time we're apart singing your praises. I wish I didn't feel so one sided about my friendships with almost everyone. 

My mom hates her profile picture on facebook....but it's one of my all time favorite pictures because she was laughing when I took it, and we were both having a good time. I wish she didn't talk about how much she hated it all the time. It makes me sad.

I plan on burning Jimmy's picture, army card, temp driver's license, and camo marine shirt. I can't wait. I don't care if I should give the shirt back. He gave it to me. It's mine to do to as I wish.

I swear if my phone vibrates one more time and it's not someone that I actually like, I'm throwing it out the window. I am so tired of it.

I hate the cycle. We don't talk for months, then you get bored and remember that there's something about me that you don't think is bland and we talk for like, two weeks. Then you forget about me again. I'm so used to it that it doesn't even phase me anymore. I'm just waiting for the texts to stop any day now.

Begging someone to take me to homecoming did nothing for my self confidence.

I'm really excited about you.

Do you still see what song my lyrics are from?

I wish I understood your motivations. 

I guess you gave up on me. You don't really say anything but hello anymore.

I need new music. I've over listened to everything I have. I need a new band.

Soul destroyed with clever toys

I was just looking at really old pictures of myself on facebook. Its funny how much a person changes in just a few years.

My grandma sorta squeezed my mom's hand today. I'm so happy....things might be looking up.

Jimmy lied about his cancer. And when I say lied about I mean like it doesn't exist. My reasoning:

1) He said the tumor was on the right side of his heart. He also said that the tumor would hopefully be passed to his liver. The blood from the left side of your heart goes to the rest of your body. The right side goes to your heart and lungs. Not your liver.

2) You can't pass a tumor like a kidney stone. It's a growth of cells, not a little ball or something floating around. Plus that's two different systems- your cardiac system and your endocrine system (I think).

3) He says that he's taking 40 pills a day. Andie and I searched his entire apartment. There were no pills to be found. When we asked him about it he said that they had him keeping the pills at the hospital since he's in rehab. But they're not narcotics. They're blood thinners.

4) We had him take off his bandages on his arm from all the IVs and shots. There were no bruises or any marks from the needles, which would have been from the day before we saw them. If he's on blood thinners, there would be bruises. And if they were tiny needles, there wouldn't be bandages. They would have used band aids. 

5) He hasn't told any of his family about it.

6) It's all he talks about. He refuses to talk about anything else. Anyone else that I've known that had cancer didn't like to talk about it. 

So I feel like an idoit. I believed this kid all along that he has a good heart and had a hard life. I'm so stupid. I swear to God, if he comes near me, I'm going to run him over with my car...then back up and do it again. 

Today wasn't too bad. I went to church and the mall and then just kinda chilled around my house. I may have found someone to go to homecoming with. But I dunno. He goes to hempfield. I'd rather go with someone I already know. I might ask James. I don't know if I'm brave enough to ask. haha...that'd be funnier if it wasn't true.

All I want is to be home.

My grandma may have contracted some sort of disease that makes her randomly internally bleed and causes blood clot, in which case she wont live more than the next few days. I didn't go to school today. I'm going to say goodbye to her at 11:15. It's almost been exactly two years since my Baba died. I bet they miss each other.

Why is everything around me dying? I'm so scared.

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

I want to go to homecoming so bad. I love my dress. My hair would look so cool. And I would go buy the best shoes. But nobody wants to go with me. I just wish I knew what was so wrong with me....so I could like fix it or something. But since I don't know what it is, I can't fix it. So I guess I'm going alone. Or not going. Which sucks. Because I want to go so bad. So so so so bad. Bad enough that I bought my homecoming dress in December. But I'm not the exception, I'm the rule. And while the exception is that someone that wants to go to the school dance with me would ask me, the rule states that I won't get to go. 

fuck.

Going alone is going to be really embarrassing. The fact that I want to go so bad is embarrassing. 

Jimmy has cancer. It's a tumor in his aortic valve. It's inoperable. He has less than 9 months left to live. He doesn't even think he's gonna make it that long. 

I'm really sick of my mom talking about college. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I can't hear about letters of recommendation and GPA, and all the other shit she talks about. 

I've been listening to a lot of Linkin Park lately. Hybrid Theory. I've had this CD for soooo long. 

I like pretending that Green Eyes was written for me. I've been listening to it a lot recently too. By recently I mean ever since Jimmy told me he has a tumor. Shit...

Edit: I'm going to homecoming with Jimmy. I hope he's well enough to go. He's pretty sick from all the medication. He's trying really hard to fight it...even though the doctors basically told him not to bother. I didn't think I cared about him this much. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that everything in the universe upsets me....especailly things like this

The day breaks. Your mind aches.

I'm here for you. Please please please please just talk to me. It'll make everything easier. I swear. And besides. I owe it to you. I mean, come on. How much have you listened to me? Yeah. Exactly.

When the sun is out I got something I can laugh about

There's a freckle on the left side of my face on my cheek. When I worked at Idlewild and my mom would come to see my shows, sometimes when I'd come out after the show to talk to her, she'd try to brush it away thinking it was makeup.

Sister's in the bathroom killing spiders dreaming up new ways to fool a new shrink

Today I wore five inch gold high heel shoes to school. I was ultra tall. And they were totally ostentatious. And in art I had to stand for the entire class because I was making a canvas and geso-ing a bunch of them. And i was pretty sure my feet were gonna fall off. But I had fun. Someday I'll live in New York and wear them somewhere really fancy. But for now I'll just wear them here and pretend I'm a celebrity...which is what I did all day long. It's easy when everyone was turning to look at me...even if it was just for my shoes. 

I wish I could call people or text people or write blogs or post pictures on facebook without imagining everyone being annoyed with my existence. 

I wish the phrase 'fake it till you make it' actually worked.

I wish I was one jean size smaller.

I wish I didn't measure my self worth in numbers. (6 3 125 17 4 140)

I wish I had some more cash. 

You know what you gotta do. They all depend on you. You already know how this will end.

Soooo the other night I was bored and hungry, and a little out of it. So I decided to make a cake. I didn't really see it as anything important...i was just hungry and I had a few dollars and I was driving past Giant Eagle. So I got cake mix and went home and was baking the cake (and I did it all perfectly....I remembered the water this time...which is a personal accomplishment. Go me) when Alex Kessler texts me. And we're talking, and he asks what I'm doing, so I tell him. And he was like 'why?' and in my head I was like '...do I need a reason?' and he goes on to say 'that's what I like about you. once you get an idea, that's it. you do it no matter what anyone says.' And for some reason, that's really been bothering me for the past few days. First of all, it's just a cake. It's really nothing to get all worked up about. I baked it because I wanted to. I didn't really think you need to have a special occasion. Secondly, yes, I'm incredibly stubborn. But honestly, if someone had asked me to not bake the cake, I wouldn't have. It is, after all, just a cake. But nobody tried to stop me. So where did you get off with the idea that someone did, Kessler? And finally, out of all the things to like about me, you like the fact that I decided to bake a cake? Excuse me? No. You don't even know me, so don't act like you do. Just because we had one conversation that lead you to learn some of my favorite bands, or what my favorite color is, or the fact that I don't get along with my dad doesn't mean you know me. What's my happiest memory? Why do I like the color red best? What am I afraid of? Nobody has ever cared to ask, including you Alex. Anything you know is just on the surface. You're not my best friend. You don't get to comment on my baking. So just stop.

I realize I just ranted about a cake. I'm pretty sure there's some underlying themes or issues there. I've just been thinking about it. I didn't really see how much I've been thinking about it till I wrote it all down. I'm sorry...I kind of went a little crazy about that.

Jimmy told me today that he's going into rehab...I'm glad. I hope he can stick to it. He's already been through rehab before. I hope it works better this time. 

My grandma's really sick. She's dying. I think she's going to get better. I hope so. My mom doesn't think that I care about her because I don't go visit her in the hospital. I can't. I can't do hospitals....especially because I adore my grandma and I can't see her like this... because what if she does die and then that's how I remember her? I've been dealing with it by making myself numb. Its not really working. 

I hate when people say they think something is wrong but they can't justify why they think so. Same with why they like something. Or why they think something is beautiful. Or ugly. I just hate when people can't tell me why they think things.

I've lost my way.

i think you're really cool. and i think you're really interesting. and i listen to everything you say. and i like you. but i get afraid sometimes that you don't really wanna be around me, and that thats just the way it happens. it may just be my paranoia, so it's nothing to be alarmed over. i just wanna see you more often.

i'm so jealous of you.i love you and you're far away, but sometimes when certain people talk about you and say certain things, i go a little crazy on the inside. i think it comes through just slightly to the outside sometimes, but i'm not sure.

sometimes (and by sometimes, i mean just about all the time) i pretend that everyone's lives are revolving around me and my existance. it's in those fantasy moments that anyone watching closely would see when I can't keep my emotions to myself. i'm sure nobody's observing me like i observe them.

i'm tired and i want to go to sleep but i can't. last night i had crazy dreams that kept me up until all hours of the night. i'm a little afraid. reality will be here when i get back, but in what state will it be in? reality was real when it was three colors and they were seperated and flipping around. what if i wake up and i'm trapped there again? in the primary color 1408-like world?

i'll always be your girl, right? you won't leave me like everyone else....right? what if i leave you?