I've got electric light. And I got second sight.

I'm pushing myself to the limit. 

My body is sick and exhausted.

My mind is getting there too.

Why am I acting like this?

Please tell me you love me. 

Into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way

Tomorrow I'm going to Philly to look at a college. I'm excited. I like it a lot. 

For the last time with feeling, we'll try not to smile.

I don't understand why some people that are surrounded by people can think they're alone. Open your fucking eyes. Everyone WORSHIPS you. You could do no wrong. You're so delusional, it's exhausting.

Whatever make you happy. Whatever you want.

Don't all the thoughts going around and around in your head drive you crazy? Don't you think it would be easier on your brain to voice them?

These people aren't your friends, they're paid to kiss your feet.

I feel like I could be run over by a car and nobody would even care.

I need a little room to breathe.

Did I do something wrong? Because lately it seems like you've been distancing yourself from me. Which is fine...I just wonder why.

I'll pack my bags, I swear I'll run- I wish my friends were 21.

I don't do anything anymore. I don't hang out with anyone. I just stay home. 

You're not the only one but you're the best Bradley.

Yesterday I remembered how much I loved music from the 60s. I'd forgotten and replaced it. It used to be all I would listen to. I missed it. 

When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead.

I used to like my personality a lot more than I do now.

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.

I'm ripe with things to say. The words rot and fall away.

Kayaking was a ton of fun.

So was not being in school for the past two days.

I'm toying with the idea of not going tomorrow either. Because I STILL haven't done my psych homework. I tried...I had to give my mom a personality test but she screwed up all the test results by rating everything backwards so what should have taken like, 5 minutes took like, 30.

After we were done kayaking, we were allowed to walk around Saltsburg for a half an hour. It was such a bizarre little town. It reminded me of what I imagined the town in Children of the Corn to look like. Very small and everything is out of business and out of date.

Nobody flipped their boats, so I consider the day to be a success.

Then on the way home we asked our bus driver to delay our return to school for as long as he could. So he took us to McDonald's and offered to buy us all Sundaes.

Yesterday I got The Bends on vinyl. And I had lunch at Penera bread. 

I really do need to do my homework. Because if all goes well, I am not gonna want to do it after six. 

I just want to go to the Warhol tomorrow. 

According to facebook, I will date someone named Mitch who plays lacrosse. Hm. I don't see it happening.

I miss summer. I miss being with Brian and Andie all the damn time. I miss shenanigans up at the A frame with Justin and Brian and the Erics. I DO NOT miss Julia and feeling abandoned by my other friends. I miss being on stage seven times a day. I miss not having school and waking up at 10 at the earliest on days that I had to work. Buuuuut at the same time, thank God it's over.

I need time to stop. Because I have so much that I need to do and I'm running out of time. 

We look like we just got here, but we've been here all night

I asked my mom for a membership card to the Carnegie Museums of Pittsburgh because I love going to museums and I think I want to go to them more often. My mother responded by telling me how materialistic I am and stupid. She told me how I never go to museums so there's no point in wasting $75 dollars to get membership to museums that I don't ever go to. I tried explaining to her that the reason I don't go is because she never lets me drive to Pittsburgh and that if I had free admission I would go all the time. Then she started off on some fucked up tangent about how I should just get a new family because I don't like her anyway. So I just told her that she was right and that I would move out if I could, and now she's all upset and not talking to me. I told her I didn't care. It's ridiculous that she's willing to buy me things that I don't want or need, but when I ask for something for an early Christmas present that I want, she yells at me for spending too much money. Sorry that I can't get a job. It's not like I'm not trying. I've applied everywhere, including McDonald's and Walmart. And even if I did get a job, I don't know how I would make it fit into my schedule between the play and school.

She also told me that I shouldn't bother getting membership because I wouldn't have anyone to go with since I don't have any friends. 

Ugly words: April, cute, laborer, extinct, furlough, umbrella, lichen, laser, hoary

Pretty words: syrup, waterfall, implication, lacerate, devastate, lucid, ambivalence, grotesque

I can't decide how I feel about the word doldrums. 

I reorganized my spare bedroom into a fancy tea room. I'm gonna repaint it because right now it's this ugly light pink. And everything has roses on it. I don't know what color it will be. But I'm excited about it. It's either gonna be purple or really bright pink. And I need new wallpaper because I think it's easier to put more wallpaper up on top of the old stuff than to just take it down. 

While I was looking for a song lyric to put as my title, I stumbled across the quote "Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see" by George William Russell. I like it. It reminded me of "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eyes." from the little prince.

I don't want to do my homework. I don't have anyone to administer my personality tests to for psych. If I wasn't kayaking on tuesday, I'd just skip tomorrow. I'm skipping thursday and going to pittsburgh I think to the warhol. One of these fridays or saturdays I'm gonna go to the laser show at the iMax. It sounds pretty cool.

Idle Kids With Idle Hearts

I've spent my whole day drinking tea. I was cleaning out the closet in the dining room, getting rid of some old stuff we don't eat, I came across my good earl grey from Williamsburg. Oh my god...it's so good. It made me realize though that I need to get a good tea pot. Because I have some really nice tea cups and stuff, but I only have a crappy little tea pot, and it's pretty small. I wanna get a kettle too. 

My mom takes the keys to my car and hides them so she can make sure that I don't go anywhere and stay home and clean. The only problem I see with this is that, 1. I want to go to Aldie's and get shortbread cookies and 2. In the event of the zombie apocalypse, I'd be boned.

I want to do something fun today. Yesterday was fun for a little. Then not. haha.

I've done a little nothing, and I'll probably end up doing nothing later. Maybe I'll do something in between. I hope so.

I have a lot to do this weekend. I hope I can get it all done. I can't seem to get started though.

Diving too deep for coins

So I talked to Shane last night and made light of the fact that homecoming he acted like he really lked me and now he...doesn't. And he responded with 

'yeah. so?'

sooo I guess that's the end of that. 

That's bullshit.

Now it's gonna be weird as hell when I hang out with those guys. Great.

Whatever. It doesn't matter I suppose.

Rule.

I need out of here.

I'm left in the wake of a mistake, slow to react

I hate 'kiss me thru the phone' and 'buy u a drank' but I know the words. Its your fault. I sorta like those songs to be honest. Thats your fault too.

I'm sick of pretending to be someone I'm not around some of my best friends just so they'll accept me.

I'm tired of one sided relationships.

I'm beyond sick of being compared to you. By everyone.

You take everything from me. And nobody cares. Because you're better than me.

I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm sick of dealing with everyone's bullshit.

Today I taught someone how to swim. I was so proud of her when she put her face in the water. She's the only reason I want to go to school tomorrow. 

Whatever whatever I can't speak

I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope it's good.

The homecoming buzz is starting to wear off. Unfortunately.

I need to relax.

Take deep breath.

Let it happen.

If it is going to happen, then it will. If it's not then it wont.

I just keep reminding myself that I'm not the exception.

I'm the rule.

I'm the rule. 

I'm just the rule.

Not the exception.

I'm just the rule.

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

I made fun of the fact that our homecoming theme was "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" but I kind of secretly loved it and let my imagination wander around the different perfect scenarios.

Homecoming was perfect. Shane and I danced to "Don't wanna miss a thing" and he kissed me. And it was so corny. But it was perfect in the senior year high school dance scene in my movie life. I'm so pleased. 

After the dance I was supposed to go up with him to Ligonier, but once again it fell through. So I just came home. But it's okay because I'm a little sleepy. I almost went to this thing at Kyle's but I decided against it. I didn't want to ruin my night. So I just came home.

My hair was perfect. My makeup looked awesome. And my dress was pretty.

Oh, and Shane got me flowers. Even though he said he wouldn't. 

I feel like such a gross girl. Gushing about homecoming. But I had a lot of fun. And I finally got the boy I liked. I hope so at least. I like him.

I don't know what's gonna happen. Pope asked me when we all went to Denny's, but I wasn't really sure what to say. Then he asked if I was being my normal Cate self or if I'm being intelligent. I don't know what that means, but I have a guess. And if it's right, I'm gonna be mad at Pope. Because I don't want him assuming things. 

Chris got a picture of me and Shane dancing. I hope it gets posted soon. I want it. 

Colt 45 and two zig zags, baby that's all we need

Last night was a lot of fun. Shane and Chris came and picked me up and we went downtown. For a while we just sat in Shane's car and listened to music. Then Zach Pope, Brant King, and some other people showed up and we hung out with them. Eventually Kayla came as well. Pope and Shane taught me how to longboard. Them teaching me at first involved me holding one of their hands while they ran back and forth so I could get used to being on the board. But then I got used to it and everyone said I picked it up pretty fast. It's fun. Next I told them they have to teach me how to skateboard so when I go to college in a city I won't need a car. 

So then Blaine showed up and we just hung out some more and did nothing. We played some piddidle, which I haven't done in a while, and despite Pope's predictions, I didn't lose.

I mostly spent the night around Shane, which is why I had so much fun I think. When I was cold I went and sat in his car and he kept coming over and talking to me, and standing really close to me, and he sat with me at McDonald's. At McDonald's I was like 'aw. Amber and I used to get hot fudge Sundays. I'll get one of those for old time's sake.' Yeah, that was the dumbest idea ever because it was COLD. So I FROZE.

At one point, Brant, Pope, Chris, and Kayla were in the back seat and me, Blaine, and Shane were in the front seat. Someone put on the song "Crazy Rap" by Afroman. I'd never heard it before and neither had Kayla, but everyone else knew all the words. It was hilarious.

Today I'm going up to the fort and I'm taking Pope. We're gonna go meet up with Shane. Later tonight everyone's coming up to Shane's and we're all hanging out. Then tomorrow is HOMECOMING with Kayla Chris and Shaaaane. I'm excited.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

My last few blogs were really pretty fucked up, so I'm sorry about that. I'll try to contain myself more. I was just really frustrated, and I put it off for as long as I could, but eventually I just had to get it out. I'm not very good at keeping my emotions internalized. I still feel like I did yesterday, but it's a little more hidden today, ad not as intense.

I went shopping the past two days to cheer myself up. I bought a brown skirt, a pencil skirt, and a purple skirt for RHPS. I got an orange shirt, and a red shirt, and a t-shirt, and a water bottle, and three pairs of high heels, one of which were for homecoming. And a pair of lacy tights. They're my Lady Gaga tights. The thing about it is, is that shopping and buying fancy clothes actually does make me feel a little better. Of course, this was only temporary, because when I wore my brown skirt, orange shirt, lady gaga tights, and brown high heel boots to school today, Sam Prichard told me how stupid I looked. And Conner acted like a totally dickhole in chamber choir. So my outfit that was supposed to cheer me up and make me feel pretty just made me feel terrible. This paragraph makes me feel very materialistic. 

It's late. I'm gonna die when I have to wake up tomorrow.

I think the song Afterlife by Avenged Sevenfold is so cool. Someday I'll choreograph a ballet to it. I can't wait. I see it in my brain and it's awesomee.

Last night I had a dream that the end of the world came in 2012 like the mayans predict. I'm pretty scared about that, to be totally honest. I work up freaking out.

Arresting moons within our eyes and smiles

I hate who I've become.

I hate who I've become.

I hate who I've become.

I hate what I've become.

I hate what I've become.

I hate what I've become.

I hate what I've become.

If I could go back I would change so many things. So so so so many little things. Things that I didn't comprehend would come back to haunt me later. There is so much I regret. And I can't ever change it.

I always wondered why I didn't feel guilty at the time or right after. It's because all the guilt, pain, hatred, and shame was all building up for RIGHT NOW.

I need to get away. I need to go somewhere where people don't know me. I want to be someone new. Somewhere where I can decide who I want to be for the rest of my life. 

Hate is a really strong word.

If someone were to ask me if I hated someone, I'd tell them that I don't hate anyone.

That isn't necessarily true if I'm being honest.

Once, Theresa called me some pretty terrible things when we were arguing.

Later, she told me she didn't mean them and that she'd just said them out of anger.

I think she was dead on.

Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive

It's really dark in my room. There's just the computer screen and my clock and the stereo and the light that filters in through my blinds. 

It's really quiet in my room. All that I can hear is myself typing this blog. And when I pause for a minute all there is is my mom typing something from her room.

It's really crowded in my room. There's the books, the CDs, the vinyls, the TV, the stereo, the record player, the piano, the desk, the bed, the end table, and all of the various things laying on my floor. But I'm alone. There isn't anybody around. Well, there's always Oats. 

I feel trapped. I feel trapped inside my body. I feel trapped inside room. I feel trapped inside my family. I feel trapped inside my school. I feel trapped inside my life. 

I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody is even looking up.

I need out.

Please look up.