when you try your best but you don't succeed

I'm constantly annoyed and frustrated because I'm so stressed and worried about Jesse. I'm hungry because I'm doing weight watchers and I was stupid today and ate a salad that the dressing alone was worth 5 of my 24 daily point allowance. I'm tired but I can't sleep without nightmares. I want to move away but I don't want to be all alone. I'm so lonely but when I get around people I want to be alone.

It's only been a month since Jesse left. I'm moving to North Carolina in another month or so. How can it feel like time is crawling and yet flying by all at once?

the truth is I miss you.

Last night I couldn't sleep because I had too many nightmares. I'm so tired and I'm so stressed out. I'm busy like, every minute of the day. When I'm not at work, I'm at school, or tutoring, or planning wedding stuff, or doing homework. I'm trying to get accepted to ECU but they won't accept me unless I have a math credit and they won't accept my math credit because they looked at my syllabus and it covers everything except logarithms, which are really important to an acting major. I write Jesse a letter a day but by the time I have time to sit and write it, I'm so tired that I fall asleep half way through. I miss him so much that I can't even put it into words. When I think about the danger that he's in and the horrible things that he's seen and the things he's had to do it breaks my heart. I would give anything in the world...anything...just to be able to hug him and tell him that no matter what he has to do and no matter what happens I still love him. But I can't. I can't hug him or see him or call him. I can just write him with no guarantee that he'll even get the letters I send. I want to send him another care package, but everything he needs gets so expensive and I don't have a lot of money in my account. Plus a lot of the time the stuff gets stolen and after talking to Jesse's dad last night I'm afraid I haven't been using enough duct tape. I'm so jealous of everyone that gets to buy pretty dresses and new swim suits when I'm wearing a bikini from walmart from two years ago and everything at victoria's secret and american eagle is so cute. I don't even have time to go to a gym or read, so I feel like shit because I'm totally disgusted with my body. My days off are stuffed to the max with things that need to get done. I just want a day to lay in bed and watch a movie, but that's not even an option right now. I hate being a grown up.

Don't ever take a second for granted with your loved one. Don't fight, don't waste time apart, and don't count on always having lazy mornings to lay in bed with each other. Because now I can't and I would do anything for just one more hug. I miss my Jesse and I want him back. 201 more days.

all I want it to be home.

I'm so alone now.

I'll find strength in pain and I will change my ways

I'm finally home from north carolina. Jesse got on the bus really early in the morning on Sunday and I've talked to him a few times, but he's in country now so I don't know when the next time I'll talk to him will be. Hopefully soon, because now that I'm home it's finally starting to sink in that he's gone. I can feel the big cry coming on. I just want to have some alone time to get it out of my system but I've been with my mom 24/7 so I haven't had the chance. I'm so excited to go to dino's on thursday with ange. I'm really looking forward to being with my friends and having a chance to breathe and just relax and not have to pretend to be anything. I just really miss Jesse...and I worry about him so, especially since he got punched in the face and can't see very well out of his left eye. It's such a long, terrible story and I really don't feel like typing it all out. I think I'm gonna go to bed, actually. I don't really want to do anything but sleep at this point.

Dreamin', I was only Dreamin'.

Last night I had a dream that my mom and I were driving around my grandparents old neighborhood. We came across this house that had been there a long time that seemed abandoned. It looked a lot like my grandparent's house, but it wasn't. So we pulled in the driveway and lifted open the garage door. There was all this stuff in boxes in the garage and the door to the house was unlocked, which also had a lot of old stuff lying around. So since we figured that nobody lived here anymore because it looked like the stuff hadn't been touched in ages we started to pack up all the stuff into our car. Then out of the blue a white station wagon and a huge black pickup truck on a lift kit with duel exhausts and tinted windows pulled into the driveway. This old trashy couple got out of the station wagon and started screaming at us for touching their stuff. We tried explaining to them that we were just trying to help and they could have their stuff back but they said it was too late. So the guy in the pickup truck (who I understood was their son, although it was never mentioned and we never saw him) backed out of the driveway so we could back out too. They said he would hunt us down and find us and kill us. So my mom drove away and we tried hiding in other people's garages so he wouldn't find us but I guess he did because eventually the dream shifted so that we were living in a compound with all these other women. The house was my grandparent's old house. Sometimes there was a stove where my old swing set used to be and sometimes it was my bed. So a man who looked like Jack Nicholson was the head of the compound. And we had to please him or he'd beat us or kill us. I trying to call Jesse so he could come save me but he either didn't answer or when I did get him on the phone he'd be busy and set the phone down and walk away. One day I had to make the man dinner with my mom. She was in charge of the main course, I was in charge of the side dish. We decided I'd make mac 'n cheese. So I made it from scratch and it was great but I didn't get a chance to wash the pot. So when I was inside serving the dinner I saw a remote control that controlled a machine gun that I could use to kill the man. So I had to sneak it under my dress and hold it there by my side. The man mentioned that I had forgotten to clean the pot and it was his favorite and now it was ruined and my mother started to cry, begging him not to kill me. He eventually said that he wouldn't, so I went and hugged my mom and snuck outside to hide the remote control for later. I hid it in my grandma's old afghan blanket that she kept behind the couch, which was now behind my bed. All the mothers were outside washing up the children so I went over and washed my face before going back inside. I went upstairs and then the dream cut to me standing in a long line talking to Jesse. Although it didn't actually happen in the dream, I was aware that the man had raped me over and over, and that he had forced me to give him a blow job. I was talking to Jesse about it and I asked him if he still loved me, even though I had to had sex with the man and Jesse said that he did and that it was okay.

I wish that Jesse had been here when I woke up because I was terrified and in a cold sweat but he wasn't. Last night he was at his friend's house in Blairsville. I only have nightmares when he isn't sleeping next to me. I have to deal with horrible, vivid nightmares for the next nine months. I'm really hurt that I couldn't spend every night with him since I won't be able to for a long time. I guess that's only important to me.

I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue.

I have turned into an utter lunatic. I cry and cry and cry at the slightest thing. I have been so stressed and today I just cracked and bawled my eyes out for about an hour over practically nooothing. I need to just get finished with my paper so I can relax. Lets be real. It's not going to be 8 pages. It's gonna be like...7. I don't even care anymore. I just care about Jesse getting here and cooking dinner for him, showering, and then going to bed.

p.s. I really like this picture but I feel like it isn't grammatically correct and that bugs me.

Finally...

I cannot wait to see him tonight. I can hardly concentrate.

These next three weeks are going to be both the happiest and saddest I've had in a very long time.

I love him so much. I wish we never had to be apart.

I Will Follow You Into the Dark

I once saw a post secret that said "If he doesn't come home from Afghanistan, I know that I will kill myself. He hasn't even left yet."

Everybody's Gonna Love Today

Today was absolutely lovely. I had a really nice day, which makes up for how terrible yesterday was. The weather was beautiful, I ate good food with a good friend, I laughed, I may have found The Dress, and I saw an absolutely phenomenal piece of theater. I have no complaints.

You don't know how lovely you are

I really hope that my new fleet foxes CD has come in the mail by the time I get home this weekend. Nothing cheers me up like new music.

I love going to hard at the gym that I can hardly walk when I'm done. I was only there for an hour but I did a spinning class and my hard work out that I did with the personal trainer on Saturday and by the time I was ready to leave I literally had sweat dripping off of my body. It made me really proud. It gets out so much emotion. I think that's what is going to keep me sane while Jesse is away. I'm just going to push myself till I die at the gym.

I had a fairly productive day today. I started my 10-12 page paper and I did some research for my 8 page paper. I also practiced my scene for acting studio, went to the gym, went grocery shopping, cooked an amazing dinner (sweet potatoes, fresh asparagus, and grilled chicken, all seasoned and prepared to perfection), and showered. Room inspections are tomorrow and I just can't make myself clean. I'm done with class at 11 20 though and I don't have big brothers big sisters so I can do it then. I plan on avoiding the world as much as possible because the whole city of Philadelphia is going to reek of weed. I can already hardly walk down the street without smelling it. I can hardly imagine what it's gonna be like on 4/20. I have plenty of stuff to do tomorrow anyway, like those papers and I have to memorize my poem and my informance. And it's gonna rain. But it's gonna be 80 degrees. So at least I'll be able to wear a dress with rain boots to class. I love doing that.

It's not that I'm avoiding the world because I don't want to be tempted to smoke. I'm not tempted at all. I just don't want to be around it. I'll be glad when tomorrow's over. It's all people have been talking about for the last few days and Im sick of hearing about it. Plus, it means I'm one day closer to seeing Jesse.

Speaking of which I got to talk to him tonight. It was only for a minute and 25 seconds but it was so wonderful to hear his voice. I've been so worried about him because of what he's been doing the past few days. I'm so glad that he's ok. I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

I haven't got a clue why anyone reads this. All I do is ramble about my boring life and talk about Jesse. I mean, I'm flattered that I have so many followers. I just don't get what is so interesting about me.

This weekend when I go home I plan on taking a bubble bath. It's going to be lovely.

I found out today that my mom's soap opera All My Children is going off the air in January. It's been on since 1970. I always said that someday I'd be on it. I'm sad that I won't have the opportunity anymore. Plus it's actually a pretty good show, even though it's a cheesy soap opera.

Today I looked at the pictures that I have on my computer of Jesse and I. I realized that he has a smile that he does just for me. In pictures he's either goofy or serious. I can rarely catch those moments of truth on film. There's a part of me that wishes that I could see that look he gives me whenever I want...but mostly it makes me feel so special that it's almost like a secret that I have of his.

Today I was sitting in class letting my thoughts wander and it really fully hit me for the first time that someday I will grow old and die. I will no longer exist. I will no longer think things or look at anything or walk or smell the breeze. I will be dead. It was terrifying.

I will feed you fries with steak sauce.

I want to get more tattoos. I want to lay out in the sun all day long and listen to music and not see anyone I know. I want to get drunk with Jesse and run around outside together in the dark. I want to kiss him in the rain. I want to go to the gym. I want laugh so hard I can't breathe. I want to move away from the people of my past. I want to get married. I want to be tan. I want to eat good food and not feel guilty about it. I want to see the stars. I want this school year to be over. I want this year to be over. I want to bake a pretty cake and decorate it. I want a fleet foxes cd. I want a decent hug. I want Jesse to come home safe from Afghanistan.

LETS BE REAL.

IF I CANNOT TELL IF YOU ARE A MAN OR A WOMAN THEN YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO BE MAKING FUN OF MY OUTFIT, ESPECIALLY WHEN I LOOK ADORABLE. FACT.

I was feeling kind of sea sick, but the crowd called out for more

Today was shitty. I passed out in the tanning salon today and whacked my face off the front desk so now I have this great looking bruise. Plus my personal trainer didn't show up for the appointment we'd scheduled a week ago and I dragged myself to the gym even though I feel like shiiit. AND they didn't have skim milk at cvs. All I want to do is rest but I slept after I got home from the tanning place so I didn't finish my homework and I need to finish my voice and speech tonight so I can start working on my research paper tomorrow.

I miss singing. I miss ars nova and chamber choir even though it was annoying sometimes. I'm gonna join a choir at school. Speaking of which, I got accepted to University of North Carolina Wilmington. It's my backup school so I'm glad I got in. It means I won't be stuck here another year. I'm excited to find out if I got into ECU. I call all the time.

Only 14 days of class left. Then Jesse is coming to get me and we're going to Disney World. He's so good to me. He'd do anything for to make me smile. I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm so in love with him. I'm so lucky.

You must face yourself and you must say, "I remember better days."

Just hold on.

No-one knows the wheres or whys, but something stirs and something tries and starts to climb towards the light

I'm pretty sure that my dad is a sociopath. He and I had a strange conversation the other day and I looked up the characteristics of a sociopath and my dad has every single one. It would explain a lot.

For the past week and a half I've been having really vivid nightmares every night. I haven't been sleeping and it sucks because I constantly feel tired but I can't sleep. Last night I had a horrifying dream that I was being processed to go into a concentration camp. Jesse was there too and they kept trying to separate us. I saw all these burned bodies and there were all these people with guns screaming at me...it was terrifying. The night before that I dreamed that there was a guy sucking out people's souls and he was attacking the building Jesse was in and I couldn't find him. I've been having lots of weird dreams too. Like, the guy sucking out people's souls had a book for a face. And last night I had a dream that I was in Australia and I got on a space shuttle to go to a concert of middle eastern music and dancing. And the space ship was spinning so I had to hold onto a pole when we went upside down. Its weird and I don't get it.

Today I don't have class so I'm going to the gym and working on homework that's not due for a while. I'm really tired and although I really should have an intense workout today because I haven't in a few days and my gym membership expires on the 28th, I just don't have the energy. I also need to go buy chicken because I left mine sit out too long and it went bad.

Only three and a half more weeks in this terrible place. Thank the lord.

My dieting philosophy:

Eat well. Don't over eat and try to eat things that are natural and good for your body. Stay active and stay in shape. And if someone offers you a cannoli, take it. Because we only live once and its silly to spend your life missing out on lovely Italian pastries.

I just want to leave these places and never look back.

I'm holding out my only candle, but it's so little light to find my way.

It usually happens in the shower.

That's the safest place, because with the water running and the door closed and my music playing it's nearly impossible to hear.

I'll start thinking about something harmless, like my newest tatt

oo. I'll be thinking of things that I could add to it to make it prettier, like flowers or something. And then I'll start thinking about what I could get on my other ribs. And then out of nowhere a thought will just burst into my head: what tattoo will you get in memory of Jesse if he dies?

And then my brain will flash between images of myself at his funeral, crying and clutching the folded American flag to laying in his arms whispering to each other late at night, to opening presents together on Christmas, to jumping into his arms at graduation, to when we made love and afterwards I laid in arms and cried because I love him so much I couldn't express it in words, to the last time I saw him when I stepped on the plane in Jacksonville and he watched me from the window.

And then I'll break down...I lean against the wall in the shower, hugging myself with my nails digging into my arms and cry. and cry. and cry.

I try so hard to not think about the possibility that he won't come home because it's just

bringing bad energy to the situation. But it seems like when I let my guard down all those horrible thoughts are there waiting.

I'm so afraid to live in a world without Jesse. I'm afraid of what I'll become.

I feel so lonely because nobody understands. I feel so lonely but I can't make myself reach out to anyone. The only person I want is Jesse. All I can do is sleep. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until he comes home.

I just want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

You were made to go out and get her.

I talked to Jesse this morning for the last time for the next three weeks. He doesn't have any service, but all his friends that have iphones have perfect service. He's in the middle of the friggen desert and when he called me from an iphone it sounded like he was laying in bed next to me. We're switching to AT&T when he comes back from Afghanistan.

He said it's beautiful in the Mojave Desert...he said the mountains are amazing and you can see every star at night and they made him think of me. I'm jealous...I'd give anything to see the stars.

This next five weeks is gonna be the longest Jesse and I have gone without seeing each other since since he was in SOI. And this will be the longest that we've ever gone without any form of communication. Even when he was in boot camp I got a letter from him after like...two and a half weeks. Then he'll get back after these five weeks and I'll have 10 days or so with him and then that's it. This SUCKS.

I taught my little sister the card game speed (which is very similar to spit) a few weeks ago. I played speed like, ever day when I was little. I was so good at it. And she beat me today. I'm partially proud, partially sad. lol

I left my ipod at home. It's been three days without it and I'm going crazy. I hate not being able to listen to music while I walk down the street to class. I'm about one second away from buying a portable cd player.

Dear Bill Hicks, Your comedy cracks me up no matter what mood I'm in. I love you. Sincerely, Cate.

And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so alone.

Tears of rage, tears of grief.

I hardly slept last night because I had so many nightmares. Jesse and I have been fighting a lot and I think that has a lot to do with it. He's going to EMV tonight, which is a month long training cycle in California. So I'm not going to get to talk to him. Then he leaves for Afghanistan. Sometimes I'll just break down when I think about it and there isn't anyone around. I wish I had my records...I listened to them Saturday night when I felt alone and it helped. Especially The Band.

I cover myself in paint today in my acting class. And we had to pick poems for our final in voice and speech. She let one class do song lyrics and I wanted to do Echos by Pink Floyd. It would have been perfect. I'm doing Watching the Sleeping Lover from Sam Shepard's Savage Love. It's nice, but I like Echoes better.

I haven't been on facebook in three weeks on Wednesday. I feel like it's been three years.

I just want this year to be over.

You're right there in everything I do.

I bought a plane ticket for North Carolina that leaves tomorrow morning.

Fuck school. Fuck money. I know what matters.

Come what may I won't fade away.

I really hate college. I think it'll get better once I get out of this stupid city. The only reason that I wanted to come back to school is because Jesse went back to LeJuene and my mother and I fought with each other terribly the entire time I was home. Jesse and I argued too...we never argue. It was terrible. We're both scared and stressed....his deployment got moved forward a month and his pre-deployment leave got taken away from him, so he's not gonna get to see his family before he leaves unless they come down to say goodbye before he gets on the bus. The only way I'm gonna see him at all is if we spend all our money on plane tickets. It's fine with me...I just want to see him while I can. There was so much that we planned to do over his pre-deployment leave. I just hope we get the chance to still do it.

Tomorrow I'm starting my diet. I just got a tattoo on my ribs and I want it to look it's best, which means I want to be able to see my ribs a little. I wasn't worrying about dieting before i got the tattoo, because I was hoping that having little fat on my ribs would mean it wouldn't be as painful. Needless to say, I was wrong and it probably wouldn't have made any difference. Nevertheless, my gym regime is going to get a lot more strict and my diet is going to be a real diet...very little carbs and lots of protein and small portions. I'd really like to buy a juicer but I can't afford it right now. Plus I have to start looking into cars and apartments for next fall. This is all happening so fast....

Planning this wedding is really difficult because I have no idea how long Jesse is going to be gone. So it's hard to pick a date and find a location. I've started looking at dresses though, and I've found a lovely one. I can't WAIT to go try on dresses with my friends.

All I want to do is lay in bed and listen to music.

...And pain is all around

I'm so scared he won't come home and these are the last days of our life together.

I loved you more.

I hate ugly tattoos. I hate applying to college. I hate not knowing what I want or where I want to be. I hate running. I hate feeling fat. I hate watching what I eat. I hate milk that isn't as cold as it should be because the fridge was open a crack over night. I hate people that try too hard. I hate people that pretend to be something they're not. I hate excessive drug use to the point that it changes who you are. I hate Voice and Speech for Actors. I hate my dorm.

I love acting. I love my diamond ring. I love summer. I love wearing a bikini and laying in the sun for hours. I love writing letters. I love Jesse's clothes. I love wrapping myself up in sheets fresh out of the dryer. I love sexy songs. I love chocolate milk, beef jerky, cheesy ruffles chips, and hummus on pita bread. I love the imagining my wedding. I love when Jesse wears his uniform...any of them. Especially his blues or his forrest green camis. I love my tattoo. I love getting postcards from far away. I love my mom, Jesse, and my best friends. I love my tumblr, even though I don't have many followers. I love having sex, fucking, and making love to Jesse. I love white wine and dark beer. I love lambs, and I love daffodils.

If I know one thing it's that every thing that I see of the world outside is so inconceivable often I can barely speak.

Last night I auditioned for The Vagina Monologues. I hope I get it. I want to be in that show so bad. At the audition they asked us all these super personal questions. It was interesting. I also want to find out if I was cast in a Sr. directed scene. I thought the cast list would be up by friday. HOPEFULLY it'll be up today. I just wanna be in SOMETHING. I'm bored.

Jesse and I had a pretty bad argument this weekend. Luckily we made up before his phone died Sunday night, because he's out in the field. He thinks that he'll get to go back to a squad bay on Saturday, which would be good because then he could charge his phone. If they change their mind and he doesn't get to go back to mainside, then I won't be talking to him for the next two weeks. I can't wait for Ft. Pickett to be over...I'll get to see him after he gets back to LeJuene. April is really gonna suck. The whole month he'll be in California at Mohabi Viper (sp?) and I won't be able to talk to him at all. Then he has two weeks of leave in May and then he leaves for Afghanistan. I hate this...

Anyway, today I have a meeting with the head of my department at 1 30 and I wanna go to the gym and I wanna walk down to south street and go to Repo Records and buy some albums. I wish my record player was here. I wish I could buy a cheap portable one...alas, it's not 1967 and I can't just go to the corner store and buy a record player for $10. Unfortunately.

I don't know what to do with my life. Johnny Hobbs, my acting teacher, says not knowing is a beautiful place to be. I think it's just exhausting and frustrating.

Country roads, take me home.

I decided to start posting on here again. I adore my tumblr, but having only 14 followers is very disheartening and people get pissy when you write about your life (not like that matters or anything...your life I mean.) PLUS all my room mates follow me so I can't talk about them unless I'm super sneaky.

So anywaaayyy...

I'm really excited to go to New York tomorrow with mousegirl and ange. I love them dearly and I miss them terribly. Plus I'm SO excited to see American Idiot again. I adored it the first time but this time I know I'm gonna love it even mooorrreeee.

I've started to plan my wedding. I'm in love with a dress. It's a Jim Hjelm dress so it's out of my price range but if I BEG my mom hopefully she'll help me out. I'd post a picture but Jesse occasionally reads this so unless you are my mom or a bridesmaid, you're gonna have to wait to see it at the ceremony too.

Everything is in it's very early stages. I know my Bridesmaids are gonna be Ange, Kayla, Katie, and Aubrey and I know Jesse's groomsmen are Mark, Baker, Stemmler or Corey Hartley, and Blaine. Our colors are red and gold and we're getting married in a church big enough to house his enormous family. Sooo good luck to me to find one. I want to walk down the isle to a string quartet and NOT to the wedding march because Wagner was an anti-semetic ass clown. plus it's stupid and over played. I'd love to be able to walk down the isle to "At Last" but we'll see. There is going to be rivers of alcohol at the reception and for our honeymoon we want to go to Italy. Oh, and we're using the same cake topper that was used on my grandparent's cake :) I'm so excited I can't even concentrate on anything else...except going to the gym every day and getting my sorry ass in shape before I go wedding dress shopping, which begins in April, kids. Possibly before. If I wanna go to Kleinfelds (which I do) then I need to have everything in order there BEFORE the fall when I move down to North Carolina because I'm not gonna wanna drive all the way to New York just for that.

In other news, if I hear one more girl talk about how they never get to see their boyfriend I'm probably going to punch them. I have a little over 2 weeks left to spend with Jesse in person before he's gone for 9 months. The rest of the time before he leaves will be spent in training, where I also cannot talk to him. So shut the FUCK up because you cannot even begin to imagine the immensity of the fucks that I do not give. Get over it.

On that note, off to bed :)