For the last time take a good hard look

I hate my job. I've never felt more miserable and alone in my entire life. Everyone's moved on with their lives. Nobody even talks to me anymore.

My boss makes sure I know that I'm untallented, ugly, stupid, etc. He's told me this to my face.

Look, I know you don't care, but i miss you.

I can't deal with this anymore.

Long you live and high you fly

I hate Idlewild. My boss is such a jerk. I'm pretty sure that he regrets casting me. Whatever.

I sang at the coffee house the other night. It was good. I think it went okay. I had a lot of fun. When I sang and I paused near the end after doing this crazy vocal improve riff thing, everyone cheered. I felt really awesome.

Last night I hung out with Connor. I love his family. And I know a lot of people don't like him, but I'm his friend. Wojo was there too. We had a lot of fun. The night before tht I slept over at Jack's house. But we didn't sleep. We only took a nap for an hour in the morning. Zach Airheart and I slept on each other. Actually, we shared blankets and layed on eachother and watched movies. It was nice. I hope we hang out with him more. He's cool.

At Jack's at like, 3 am we walked to Sheets. On the way there, the guys took off their shirts. So the girls were like 'we wnt to too.' so we did. haha. We walked down the middle of the road at 3 am in our bras. It was really funny.

I'm so excited to get the green day CD. I am not excited about going to rehearsal for all day today.

I was like, freaking out this week. I was under a lot of stress. I'm glad that it's starting to lessen. It really isn't though. I'm just not caring quite as much.


I'm sorry for letting you down.
Thanks for being there. I hope you're not too disappointed in me.

I can't remember when it was good

I hate my job.
I miss my friends.
I want to hang out with him.
I want to hang out with him too.
I can't wait to do it again.
I really can't wait to do that again.
I don't mind the consequences.
I do feel really guilty about it though.
I think you're mad at me. I hope not.
I don't know what to do.
I think I'm gonna tell him tonight.
I feel pretty alone.
I feel pretty untalented.
I feel pretty stupid.

But it's you in the morning

I'm sleeping over at Andie's and Brian's. They think they're gonna leave. They hate it here so much and it makes me so sad. They're so much fun. I don't want them to go. 

There's a person that I like. And he's really nice and really cool and really sweet and people walk all over him and it makes me really sad. I'm hanging out with him tomorrow. I hope things go well.

I'm actually gonna die if Andie and Brain leave. I'll have zero friends in the cast. Like, I'm okay with the other people. But I'm not okay with them leaving. 

I'm really sick of things. 

So much is different. 

Nothing ever changes, no matter what everyone has been saying.  

I'm not going to stop. 

Tell me I'm insane

Prom was so much fun. The only not fun part was getting sick on the way out and throwing up. I don't even know what was wrong with me. I just got really sick all of a sudden. It was miserable.

Soooo I really don't like Idlewild at all. haha, imagine that. BUT I've made friends with the cast members, and I totally love two of them. Brian and Andie....they're so much fun. They're from out of state and they're staying in a hotel around here. We hung out today after rehearsal. It was fun. I'm pretty much sure that they're gonna be all that keeps me sane. I basically plan on just moving in with them. Because once they're out of the hotel they'll be in the cabin things provided by idlewild. So I'm just gonna stay with them and hang out. Because they're so much fun.

So there are four boys in the cast. 2 of them are gay (Brian is one of them. You look at him and you know. It's fantastic. He's so cute. haha) and the other two are iffy. We all think that they're pretty legit but haven't come out. I mean, Andie and I were in our swim suits at the hotel and the other two boys were there and they were hardly even looking at us. It was really strange.
Plus, the one drives a wrangler, and the spare tire cover is Phantom of the Opera. Like...really? Come one. And the other boy like...eat sleeps and breathes Idlewild. It's so crazy.

The music we're learning is really hard. The harmonies are insaaane. And there's so much music. Holy crap. So much to learn. And like, half of it is country. Gag me.


By the way, I'm never gonna be around. Ever. Like....I had rehearsal all day today. And it was sunday. The only thing that's gonna be good for me is that I'm still a minor, so they legally have to give me off 2 days a week. Hopefully, that will work out like it should.

Welcome to paradise

Last night was the best night ever. hahaha for real. I had so much fun.

I played mini golf at Statlers with Jack, Sam, and Melissa Rachel. Then I hung out with Logan while we finished up the game. We went from there to Eat 'N Park and I split a strawberry topped waffle with Sam. Then, Like, 7 boys show up and they're like, Cate, You're coming with us. So I got in the car with Matt Wagner, Aaron Gray, And James Orange. Holy crap. Talk about a great time. Like, seriously. We found this old house that was all creepy and shit up on Solomon Temple Road. After exploring that and just kind of messing around, we left. The way home was like, the best half an hour ever. We got lost because at first James was driving. Eventually he got tired of driving and made Aaron drive (keep in mind that this is Matt's car haha). I like, can't even say what went on...just know that it was absolutely fantastic and I loved absolutely very minute of it. The song "Platypus (I Hate You)" has a new and special place in my heart.

I adore Katie. I love the fact that I can text her at any hour of the night and be like LISTEN TO MY AWESOME STORY! hahaha. I love everything. It's so great. My life is so fantastic and fun strange. I love it. hahahaha

Little salamander, where did you go?

I can't find my DVD of Girl, Interrupted. It's kind of okay though since I have it on VHS as well, and I can just watch that. The thing that isn't okay is that I cannot find Kaleb's copy of Pineapple Express. Dun dun duuunnnnn.

So I have to go to rehearsal on Saturday after prom because my mom's a bitch and she's making me go. But it's all okay because I'm going straight from rehearsal to Kevin's for "Da Sexy Partay" as it has been named. Unfortunately, Aaron and Kaleb are leaving since they don't want to get involved in the shenanigans later on in the night. I think Jack's staying, and Thea Sarah should be there so it's all good. I'm excited. Hopefully it will be just as fun as Katie's minus all the not fun parts. haha. Then I'll go home Sunday afternoon, sleep all day and go to school on Monday. So Prom is actually probably gonna end up being sort of fun. Apparently all that I'm missing Saturday is a picnic at Lynn Run, which would be fun, but I can do that any day and throwing away a day of rehearsal isn't worth a picnic. I should still make it to Kevin's. It will be even better if I have the jeep back by then. Because then I won't have to rely on anyone for transportation and I can sleep in till as late as I want before leaving.

Crap. I just realized that it might be at Kevin's house in Indiana PA. craaaaaap. How in the world am I ever gonna find that? Oh well, I'll figure something out. Man, I really hope it's at his regular house.

So tonight at Night of the Stars, Lucas was shushing me and everyone else. And he kept acting like he owned the damn place and like he was in charge. Eventually, I just flipped out and told him he wasn't in charge and that he wasn't better than up and he needed to shut up. It was so great. As soon as he walked away and shut the door, Aaron, Kaleb, and Jack all hugged me and told me it was the best thing ever. haha whatever. It doesn't matter. He just was being really bossy and it's annoying because everyone knows the only reason that Latrobe does Night of the Stars is because they give us $1000 and we need it. It's not a big deal at all and people that take it seriously are morons.

I hung out at Kaleb's today with Kaleb, Jack, AJ, Aaron, and Kevin. It was nice. I missed hanging out with them. They're so funny. I still can't believe most of them are gonna be gone next year, plus Thea, Sarah, Theresa....it's so depressing.

Did you sail across the sun?

I'm getting really tired of my mom insisting on being my 'manager.' Like...it's a job at Idlewild. She needs to stop taking it so seriously. It's getting sooo annoying. Like....she is doing me absolutely no good. I have to miss two days of rehearsal. Friday for prom and Saturday for post prom activities. And she's like, freaking out.

Speaking of post prom shenanigans, I am going with AJ, Kevin, Sarah, Kaleb...maybe Thea? I don't know who all is going, actually. But we're going to Indiana PA to Kevin's house there. I don't know what we're gonna dooo, but it's gonna be fun. haha

I flipped on Jack today. I was gonna get a ride home with Conner, and Kaleb didn't want me to because Conner was really high. It just pissed me off because I am SO TIRED of my friends being total jerks and then all of a sudden being all protective. So Jack and I had an I-hate-everyone fest on the way to his house. I love that kid. He is one of my only consistently nice friends. I'm going to miss him to death next year.

We are all a bunch of animals that never paid attention in school

IF I COULD I WOULD GO BACK IN TIME AND BRUTALLY MURDER AND MUTATE THE MORON THAT CREATED PROM.

Legit.

I'm so sick of hearing about it. I can't believe that earlier in the year I was all upset that I wasn't going. This is so stupid. Everyone is FREAKING OUT and I'm just like 'whatever.' I'm sure it will be fun, but right now I'm so OVER IT that I can't even function. It is so STUPID. UGH. And I'm really tired of the people I'm going with. Mara is making this HER prom. We're not important at all. AJ is the world's biggest douche. He's such a jerk to me. Kaleb is turning into a mini-AJ because they hang out so much. I love Sarah, Bryce, Jack, Thea, and Michelle. Arielle doesn't like me, and Katie's gonna be with Arielle the whole time. I don't really know Jake or Chris. What. Ever.

Apparently the musical next year is West Side Story. I don't believe it since there's 2 girl parts, and 7865863 guy parts, and they all have to dance...a lot. In the case that it is West Side, I know I can at least sing Anita's part. Maria will be more difficult but if I work over the summer, I bet I can get all the notes in my range. Oh yeah, the other problem with west side- we're a bunch of white kids. None of us look Puerto Rican even a little bit. That's sort of a problem since it's kind of what the whole show is based on.

Cameron is not a healthy person to be around. I know this for a fact now. Being around him is sort of like playing with fire. I'm okay with that.

Is there anybody out there?

So this weekend sucked a little.
I got to drive my car a lot, but I just got home from being lost and it was absolutely terrifying. I was on the steepest hill ever and my poor sick little car almost didn't make it up, in which case, I probably would have plummeted to my death. It was really scary. It wouldn't have been so bad if my engine wasn't broken.
I'm really tired of my friends not being able/wanting to hang out with me. It doesn't even matter any more because rehearsal starts this week. So I'm not gonna be around at all. And it doesn't even matter because nobody even cares when I am around. If I'm not there, life goes on. I wish someone would at least be a little sad when I'm gone. Or miss me even a little. Or want to hang out with me. But of course not. It's just annoying because for a while it was all like 'aww, cate, you're the reason we're friends.' which is so not true. Obviously. Because I spent a pretty good part of my weekend walking around, sitting around, and driving around alone. Which was awesome. Especially when I got in a huge fight with my mom and everyone was busy. All I wanted was to talk to someone but no. Of course not. And when I finally do get to hang with someone, they spent a good amount of time informing me on how poor all my decisions are and that I'm basically a whore. So...sweet.
Sorry. I didn't plan on ranting. I just had a bad day weekend thing.

One more thing. I'm done asking if you want to hang out. I'm tired of the answer being no. It hurts too bad every time because I miss you and you obviously don't miss me. So I'm done.

I stood there on the edge

I'm a member of the wrangler club. Officially.

I drove my jeep today without my mom. I passed another wrangler and we sort of waved to one another in a silent salute of our fantastic cars. Same thing happened when I was in Cameron's jeep and we passed another wrangler. It was such a great feeling. I am in love with my car. I finally understand the redneck pride in their trucks. Only my intense pride is totally justified. Because I drive a jeep, damnit.

Anyway, as you may have guessed, I can sort of drive my jeep. Can I go up steep hills yet? No. But I'm pretty good at avoiding them. And I haven't gone on the highway yet. But I'm excited. I can drive a stick. And it's only day two and I've improved a lot since yesterday.
I took the top off today and rode around the block a few times. It looked like rain though, so just in case I put the top back on. But for the 10 minutes that the top, back, sides, and the windows were off, life was good and everything was glorious. Once I get a new muffler and the engine is fixed, it's gonna be a great car. And once I learn how to drive it the way it was meant to be driven, I'm gonna take it off-roading with my friend and fellow wrangler owner Stephanie (only mine's better because it's red and it's manual) and we're gonna go wild. It was fun to splash around in deep puddles...I can't wait to be turned lose in a field with mud and four wheel drive. It's gonna be spectacular. I think I'm gonna look for a stream to drive through just for the hell of it. I get 19 inches of water clearance, after all.

I'm gonna have so much fun this summer.