I'll speak my point of view but it's not sane.

So my mom is trying to convince me to audition for American Idol.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I think it's funny. And I think she's actually lost her mind.

I've decided that I officially hate texting. I hate it. It limits human interaction. I understand texting in situation when you can't actually speak on the phone, but when you could either talk or text, I hate it that so many people choose to text. Like...as a general rule, I love to hear my friend's voices. Plus, hearing a person's voice helps you pick up on non verbal communication, which actually accounts for 93% of communication (thank you Linda Kubus.)

I hate not knowing what to think about a person. It's actually exhausting.

I taught myself how to make a toga from my sheets today. I consider the day to be a success.

I've also grown to hate facebook. I never have any notifications anymore because nobody's sending my flair or writing on my wall or tagging my in notes or commenting on photos. It's sad to me. This is why I write a blog every 17 minutes.

I got in an argument today because I said Brittney Spears doesn't deserve to be on the cover of Rolling Stone once, let alone three or four times like she has been. This argument turned into an argument about if Robert Plant should be on the cover since he refuses to tour (although this was with a different person, since Brice probably doesn't know who Robert Plant is)

I find it really amusing then when you're trying to illegally download something, before it like starts downloading, the estimated time of download actually says infinity.

Tomorrow, if I don't have school, I plan on watching The Wizard of Oz to Dark Side of the Moon. I hear it's very very cool.

I just finished reading Perks of Being a Wallflower. It's very good with a twist at the end. It sort of reminded me of The Catcher in the Rye.

I'm sorry this was all over the place. I'm thinking a lot right now.

Shined Like the Sun

I just googled "headed for city lights lyrics" to see if the song I'd got them from came up on the first page, and it didn't. I'm very disheartened.

I love how googled has become a verb. To Google. I Google You Google. We Googled. If you say Googled enough it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. Googled.

More dancing at rehearsal tonight. More getting dropped on my back thanks to Connor, because he does the slide too fast.

I had this dream last night that AJ was driving me around in the van from ASP and one of his friends had put wax on my hands and taken my iPod and then driven through my grandma's yard. It was strange. I take pride in the fact that I have really trippy dreams.

I finally wrote my stupid paper. And now that we had a two hour delay today, we probably won't have the stupid class. I bet we have a two hour delay tomorrow too. If it's a cancellation, I'm totally going sled riding on the golf course. I don't even care that it's trespassing. They have some good hills.

"They have some good hills" made me sort of sound like a red neck.....

Headed for City Lights

So the dance in Grease for Born to Hand Jive is like, the coolest thing since sliced bread. It's all 50s-ish with shimmying and slides and lifts. I loooooove it. And I'm really glad I'm not fasting anymore because it's hard-core dancing and I was exhausted even though I had eaten a little today.

I was invited to a toga party this weekend. I'm freaking excited, man. A few of us watched Animal House last weekend, and I said that we should have a toga party. And it's actually happening. Apparently with everyone else in the world, when plans get made they actually happen (shock awe!) It's gonna be so awesome. I hope they're inviting a bunch of people. Because if it's just like, four of us, it'll just be lame and slightly sad and pathetic.

today, Connor pulled me aside and was like "Why aren't you in chamber choir? You have an amazing voice" and I was like "I didn't audition because I didn't think I'd make it." and he said "Are you retarded or insane?" and then went on to threaten me with death to audition for next year. It was a nice compliment.

I lied and told my mom I was sick and skipped school this morning because I had a paper to hand in that I didn't do. Now the paper still isn't done, I wanna watch a movie, and I really am sick now. This is quite a pickle.

I like to pretend that there is some obscure person out there that reads my blogs that always tries to figure out what song the lyrics are from that is the title of my blog and what it may say about what's on my mind.

I just believe in me

I've started hanging out with new people. It's really weird, because I'm used to my friends. But now I'm starting to get new friends kind of because all my other friends are too busy dating. It's bizarre having two sets of friends. But it's not like they over lap or anything. It's sad when I think about it, but it's kind of nice and clean too. Like, we were all at the coffee house, and they watched me perform and cheered and clapped and gave me a hug when I came off stage because I was shaking (I finally worked up the nerve to play guitar and sing in front of people and I pretty much nail it...although I was scared out of my mind) and then we all went to Eat N Park. And I talked to Katie Shannon for a while afterwards in her car. She's really nice and I like hanging out with her. I guess it makes sense because I see these people like, every day at rehearsal. And I'm glad I've made friends with them because otherwise it would be really lonely. It's still sad though, because I miss my friends, but I'm just a third wheel, so it's probably better for them not to have me tagging along. Things change and people have to adjust. It sucks but it's reality.

Too Good to Be True

Jersey Boys was absolutely fantastic. It was so spectacular. I loved ever moment of it. There was this one moment in the middle of the second act after Frankie Valli sings "Can't Take my Eyes off of You" to quite literally thunderous applause that he just holds his hands out from his sides and just takes it all in, basking in it all, totally humbled. I'm fairly certain that in that moment, he wasn't Frankie Valli. In that moment, he was just another actor living the dream. Just that small gesture set me off and I burst into tears. Because I want that so bad that it hurts. I was just reminded today why I want to do this so bad. It's for moments like that. It just blew me away. Then some stupid bitch that used to work with my mom turns around and decides to mock me for like, the tenth time in my life "So Cate, don't you just want to jump up there and dance with them?" Yeah Linda, more than you could ever know. Ever. I have such a decide to do this and she doesn't get it. I literally am brought to tears sometimes because I'm struck by how bad I want this and how beautiful it is when it works. Not just musicals, but theater in general. I just...I don't know. It just hit me today. It also hit me that there are people that can go to a theater and not feel it. I feel sorry for them.

Breathe in the air

I am so bored. Like seriously. I tried to entertain myself by playing dress up. Currently I'm wearing my neon green and pink bikini, sweat pants and aviators. I'm very cold and should probably change...but I feel kinda cool, soooo....

I got home made soup. All is well in the world.

Yeah, so, I decided to stop fasting because I got really sick after rehearsal. I feel like a total waste of life. I really want to do it, and I plan on doing it this spring or summer when I'm not gonna have to deal with musical and garbage.

I want a tattoo so bad it's not even funny. Actually, I want multiple tattoos. They would be so cool. And it's so not fair because I wanna act on the stage, so I really can't have tattoos. Especially not when I'm starting out. I'm pretty much thinking of just doing it anyway. I don't know. Ugh. It drives me insane. I would get a black and red nautical star on each hip, a few bars of music from "Across the Universe" on my left foot, and Crazy Diamond on my left wrist in really neat and pretty cursive.

I love it. I walked down stairs to get soup wearing my bikini, sweat pants and aviators, and started rambling to my mom about tattoos and stuff, and she was like 'You're so strange...' but then continued on with the conversation as if it were normal in ever way.

Things I'm tired of:
-Winter
-Cold
-Boredom
-School
-Practically all of my friends having boyfriends/girlfriends that occupy a fair amount of their time.
-Being terrible at spelling. (btw, I spelled being wrong...not on purpose. Oh the irony. lol)
-Being told I'm overly dramatic

Today I walked into class 20 minutes late because I was working on a project and this girl Ashley turns to this other girl Macy. The conversation was something as follows-
Ashley: "Oh my God...she is so high right now. Can't you tell?"
Macy: "Yeah, I know. I sit right by her."
So I asked around today, and I guess I'm stoner-esk. Which I think is pretty funny. I was wearing my lucky charms shirt today. I think it added to the stoner look. It was good times.

Floating fast like a hummingbird

So I have been writing this stupid screen play about a stupid guy that hates cats. And so far it's 23 out of 25 pages minimum. It has taken me foreeevvveeeerrrrr. I'm so bored with it. The only small satisfaction that I get out of it are the very subtle references I made to The Shining, Fight Club, and The Bible. (Yes, I know, fight club and the shining and the the bible go hand in hand.)

The comcast guy came to fix my TV today, and he said I had the coolest room ever. He was impressed by my taste in music and album collection. It made me really happy.

Today Amber and I started a 21 day fast. I have a feeling that it's going to be one of the hardest things I've done/will do. I'm doing it to test my will power and grow closer to God and let Him take over areas of my life that I have yet to surrender to anyone. So the way that I think about it is that this is a way of giving up complete control and putting trust in Him. Like, exteame trust. Anyway, it's day one and I'm already sick to death of juice and water. And I sorta feel sick. But I read online that I'll feel sick up to day five. I also read that you'll start living off of your body's fat storage on day two and it'll start to show on day three, and that days seven to like, fourteen your breath will not be that great because your body is detoxing. So this should be interesting. I'm sorta worried about dance rehearsal and not really having any sustinence. I'm just gonna have to hope that the dancing isn't way too intense, which I don't think it will be.

My bruise that I mentioned before has been named Chester. He hasn't begun to heal yet and is instead still worsening.

I haven't written in my journal in weeks. So much has happened I don't even know where to start.

I'm not mentally or emotionally prepared to go back to school tomorrow.

Eyes that shine, burning red

Yesterday I fell ice skating and I have this huge bruise on my knee. It's like, a giant swollen bump. It hurts. Like a mother.

if I could have any super-power, I think I would want to be able to either fly or read people's thoughts. Because last night Amber and I were standing under a street lamp and the way the snow was falling amde you forget that you were just standing there. It kind of made you dizzy and forget what was u pa nd what was down. It was weird because it was beautiful in a strange way. Anyway, it would have been cool to be able to fly and kind of hover in the middle of it and be surrounded by it. But reading peoples mind would come in handy as well. Not only would you never have to second quess what someone thought about you or if they were telling the truth, which would be the main benefit, but you would also do really well on tests, because you could just listen to the really smat person in class. I think the worst superpower to have would to be invisible. Like, really. Who WANTS to be invisible? unless you're like, robbing a bank or something. But even then, if you're invisible and robbing a bank, then you can't play cool get away music or anything. You'd just be sneeking around. Other than that, I think it would be terrible. Because everyone would like, forget about you, I tihnk. And who wants that? Just my opinion.

Maybe she can write her epitaph in the stars

I have to write a 20 minute screenplay for film media. Mine's about a guy that's terrified of cats. It's funny. Well, I'm supposed to be writing it. Instead, I'm writing this.

I really want to go to the Andy Warhol Museum. It's only like, $8 for students. I wanna go to the Mattress Factory too. They both seem so cool.

Today in my Vietnam class, we had a vet come talk to us. He had been on reconnasinace (sp?) and he was really interesting to talk to. I could have listened to him all day.

I'm watching Forrest Gump. I love that movie. It's at the part when Forrest sees Lt. Dan on the dock when he's driving the ship and he jumps off the ship and swims over and is like
"Lt Dan! What are you doing here?!?"
"Well...I thought I'd try out my sea legs."
"But...you ain't got no legs, Lt. Dan."
"Yes, I know that..."
I looove that movie. :)

I don't wanna move. :( I'll miss my tree and my room and my friends. I'm too weird to make new ones. I'm like, not even positive why I have friends now, anyway.
My roooooom is suck a meeeeeessssssss. But it smells like patchouli, so it's happy. :)

haha, I think the :) with a period over it looks like an ethnic smilie face. I hope that's not racist sounding...I kinda feel like a jerk.

FACT: If we don't have a two hour delay tomorrow, I will actually explode and stop existing in the universe.

WIll I see stars falling all around your head?

I'm a visual person. I learn visually. I remember things when I see things.

My mom lost her job this week. She's a single mom and we don't get any child support from my dad. There isn't any work around here. Everything is going to change.

We might have to move.

I'm a visual person. If I move, I could forget. I don't want to forget. I have so many memories in my house. The thought of moving absolutely terrifies me.

"It sucks. Having to move away from where you grow up" Yeah, I know. I'm basically terrified. "But it's not as bad as you think. You get used to it." I doubt that. Especially for my senior year.
When I told Mr. Krack that I might be moving he seemed upset. I've done all his productions. I do not want to miss my senior year. My senior musical. My senior play.

I'm not ready to let go of my friends. My room. My tree. My living room.

Sometimes I feel like I want to just run away...this is not one of them. I don't want to leave.

Plus, I don't even know where we'll go. It's slowly sinking in how bad this situation really is. Especially for my mom. Like, I don't know how she's gonna retire or anything. We don't have anyone to fall back on. I wish I could help her. I don't know how.

What am I gonna do if I have to move? I'm way too weird to make any new friends. I'll be the creepy new kid that listens to her iPod all day without any friends.

Here’s a few things that I want to get off my chest:


I don’t forgive you, not like you’d ask.
You’re actually not as attractive as you think you are.
I think you have stupid ideas.
I think you’re fake sometimes.
You have made a terrible mistake and I think you’re all going to fail because of it.
I’m worth more than you let me believe.
I think now more than ever what you tell me is a lie.
I’m jealous of you.
I love the time that I spend with you.
I miss you.
I think you’re being distant from me.
You're one of the coolest people ever.
I wish you could see how fantastic you are.
You have control over me and it drives me insane.
You broke me.
No, I actually don't want to hang out with you.
You have crappy taste in music.
I lied. I hate that shirt.
You make me want to run away.
You think you know me. You don't know me at all.
I still feel bad for breaking your screen door. And that glass...and then hiding it behind the couch.
My post secret was because of you.
You frusterate me.
I wouldn't let you go back to that gym because I broke something in the office.
You have the most ANNOYING laugh in the history of the entire World. Bar none.
I try to hate you, but I don't, despite what I may say sometimes.
I am so thankful for everything you've done for me and I think you have changed me as a person.


Okay, I think that's about it.

Wake up. It's time

I am not comfortable in my own skin. I mean, I'm not ever really. But especially so in the last few days. I look in a mirror or sit too long with my thoughts and my flesh just starts to sort of crawl.

I don't know what to do about it. Because I can't really talk about it...since the only people that I could really talk to probably don't care. And it doesn't really matter afterall.

In the past few days I've been angry and hurt and exhausted. Luckly, rehearsals started today, so I didn't have much time to myself. And I'm doing stuff after I finish this blog.

My remedy to feeling like this is keeping very busy and playing lots of very loud music. Lots of Foo Fighters, The White Stripes, Thrice, and My Chemical Romance in the past few days. Think "Harrison Bergeron" with the handi-caps.

haha, I actually just lost my train of thought. It's working. Oh well. It probably didn't matter.

I lied about the song thing. It's too much work.

So yesterday I bought an electric guitar. It's really nice. I'm pretty much in love with it. It's great to play, it's the color I like, and I payed for it myself. Plus, as an added bonus, it's great for scaring my cats. I waited until one of them was smelling around the amp and then I turned the volume way up and hit the strings hard....she litterally jumped into the air and ran out of the room. It was freaking hysterical. I loved it.

Yesterday I also submitted my govenor school aplication/audition. I don't really wanna go. But I'm not too woried about it because I'm not gonna get in anyway.

New Years was kinda eh for me. I didn't really want 2008 to be over in the first place. And now ange and christian are dating. Which is awesome. I'm happy because ange will be happy now. But idk. It's gonna be third ville for amber and I, which is a total improvement from when it was ange and christian, seth and theresa, katie and zach...and cate. That was pretty much really terrible. So at least I'll have amber? But that still sucks. Whaaatever.

I've started keeping a journal. It's frusterating because the pages keep falling out.

It took me three tries to spell falling just then. Oh boy.

I don't wanna go back to school. The only thing that I'm looking foward to is grease rehearsals. But that's so not worth it to give up break. Damnit I miss summer. Well, at least it's almost summer again....sorta...not really....

Watching Dick Clark on New Years Eve is one of the most depressing thins ever. It makes me think of my Baba. I'm glad he's okay and recovering from his stroke, but it's still so sad to watch. I don't like it.

I don't want to go to my grandma's and eat pork. I'm going to have shit luck anyway, why suffer through eating crap food.

I can't believe Laura shaved off her eyebrow. Actually, I can. I think she's insane.