yes.

You're my home

Philadelphia isn't my home. It's just the place that I live.

My house is sort of my home, but now it feels more like the middle ground between where I am and where I'll be a year and a half from now.

I'll be spending Christmas with Jesse this year at Camp LeJuene in a barracks and I have a feeling that it's gonna feel more like a home than anywhere else.

I cant wait to be eligible to apply for on base house housing.

Come to me now you know we're so low and life is brief.

Well, since tumblr is down (which is what I've been blogging with since I came to college.... www.lyricsonpostcards.tumblr.com :) It's dumb, so don't expect something profound) I figured I'd write on here for a little. I'm on the phone with Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I just found out who my little sister is. Her name is Kayla, which I'm pretty happy about. She's in 7th grade and she's a tomboy that loves horseback riding, kayaking, and talking. I'm so excited. I meet her on Wednesday.

It is almost Christmas, and I've picked out the best gifts in the whole wide world for everyone. Jesse's gifts are wonderful...I'd post what they are but I don't want him to find out. It's all top secret, you know. I know what I wanna get everyone else, I just have to go get it. I'M SO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS!!! The costume mistress at my school is making me a beautiful dress with red silk taffeta material from a vintage 1954 vogue dress pattern. Hopefully I'll get to try it on today. I'm so excited. This is my first Christmas with Jesse so I want it to be special. It could also potentially be my last Christmas with Jesse, since I just found out a week ago he's going to Afghanistan in September. I try not to think that way though.

Speaking of Wednesday, it'll be the 30 year anniversary of John Lennon's death. Its only $8 to take a bus to NYC and I wanna be at strawberry fields for the memorial service that night. However, I have nobody to go with and I'm not going alone.

I'm really excited for Christmas break. I'm so excited to be with my friends and family and Jesse. I can't wait to bake Christmas cookies and wrap presents and drink eggnog and fall asleep in Jesse's arms. I am counting down the days....

Take a Sad Song and Make it Better

I'm starting to doubt things. Pretty major things, actually.

Our friendship, for one. I thought I meant more to you than that. I guess not.

I'm wondering if I'm in the right place. And if I'm doing the right thing.

I'm wondering if I've changed too much. Or if I've developed a mask, which is something that I swore I'd never do again. I blame my room mates.

I wish I could just take acting every single day. I don't wanna take voice and speech for actors or movement for actors...I wanna just wanna act, damnit. I wanna paint too. And I wanna tap dance. And I wanna write. But on my terms. I'm sick of my writing class. I wanna take creative writing. Why do I have to take academic writing as an acting major? When am I ever gonna write a research paper or any of that shit? Never.

The only thing I'm certain of is my future with Jesse. And I'm certain of the fact that it's exactly what I want.

I used you in my acting class the other day. We had to say something that we want to say to someone but can't. I said I didn't know who you were anymore. I had to say it over and over and pull on my teacher's arm and struggle and scream and fight and cry and it really made me think about how much I miss the old you. I'm sorry I haven't done much to help you. I don't think you'd accept my help even if I offered it, to be perfectly honest.

I'm sick of people making me feel like nothing exciting will ever happen to me ever again. I'm still 18. Stop making me feel like I should just put on a frock and crawl into my death bed. I'm happier than you are. But you're really making me feel ugly. So just leave me alone.

And in case you were wondering, I'm here for you bud. If you should fall you know I'll be there...I love you.

The way that the light is hitting my fish tank makes my fish look like they're from a dream sequence....it's kinda beautiful. I've just been watching them swim around....

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.

Sprinting across the room today and jumping into your arms was easily one of the happiest moments of my life.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright.

Only nine days left tillI see Jesse. I can't believe it's so close to being over. 11 weeks without hearing his voice or touching his skin or feeling his arms around me. 11 weeks feeling like I'm torn in half. only 9 more days till I can see him and run to him and hold onto him so tight that it'll feel like I'll never let go. We'll get to spend time together on the plane ride home and later in our hotel room that night...we'll go to church together and out to eat and then it's on the train to Philly where I can spend days with him...every night I'll fall asleep in his arms, and every morning he'll be the first thing I see. The thought of it literally makes my stomach do backflips. When he has to leave me again it won't be as bad because I'll be able to talk to him on the phone sometimes and maybe even on a web cam. And on weekends he can fly to Philly to see me....ideally. I'm sure The Marines will have something else in mind. It's hard not to get my hopes up though.

I'm nervous though that I'm different from when we said goodbye and that he won't love me anymore. Im afraid that I'm not as beautiful as I was when he left and I'm afraid that he'll realize that he made a mistake investing so much of himself in me. I'm afraid I forgot how to kiss and that I won't know what to say when I finally see him. Plus my roommate is gorgeous and amazing and in comparison I don't know what anyone would see in me.

I'm stressed.

I'm scared.

I like college. My classes are interesting and my neighbors are really cool. I like my roommates too. They go out all the time. There's a part of me that wants to join them, but I can't. I can't have a good time knowing that Jesse's going through hell. I can't drink and party and celebrate when on the inside I feel empty. Plus I hate being around guys think they could ever win me over or whatever. Everywhere I look I just see Jesse. So many wives and girlfriends cheat on their Marines, but even the thought of feeling something for another man makes me sick to my stomach. I don't understand how they can do it.

I understand that he needs to see his friends and all, but from the way he talked he was gonna spend all his time with me. So that's what I prepared myself for. Today i talked to his best friend, who is under the impression that Jesse will be spending time up at his college partying and whatever else. If he wanted to do that, it's fine. I just wish he would have told me so I didn't get all excited about spending 10 days with him.

This is really hard...being in love with someone you can hardly ever see or talk to. It's only going to get worse. We can do it...we just have to work together.

Freedom's Apparently All I Need

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"

Up on Melancholy Hill

"The old dreams were good dreams; they didn't work out, but I'm glad I had them."

I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne.

Soo I don't know you anymore. You're not the person that I met in class years ago that shared special moments with me. I miss the old you. And I hate the fact that you're going down the same downward spiral of self destruction that I did. I hope someone saves you like someone did for me before it's way too late.

Today was a beautiful day. I love Ange and Katie. We're soul mates. And we're really good for each other.

I'm so tan :) I love sun shine. And I love that my friends are pale. It make me feel really really tan...till I see Beth Henery, who could strip naked and stand in the dark and be hidden... hopefully someday I'll get there.

Im making a really big decision. I'm not exaggerating when I say it will drastically change the course of the rest of my life. I'm going with my gut on this one, and I hope I'm choosing the right thing. Only time will tell. I think it's gonna make me grow up too fast though. I think it's worth it... My mom pointed out that the key word there is think. But really, all life is is a series of decisions. I think everything is pointing in this direction. I live without regrets. I'm probably gonna take a lot of shit for this. But my mom, Ange, Katie, Kayla, and Blaine are the only opinions that matter to me, and at the end of the day they'll still be my family, so I'll pull through.

Could have walked around the block 'cause all roads lead to home

Tonight was a good night. I went to Pool Hall for the first time in weeks. I got some tips that have really improved my playing. I think I'm gonna go down there more often and practice so that when Jesse's on leave, we can go to a bar in Philly and I can kick his ass and impress him. That'd be fun. It was bittersweet being down there because looking around made me thing of the first time we talked, the first game we played together and how close he got to me, the first time he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, one of the first places we went as a couple... A lot of people asked about him and told me to tell him hey for him, which was nice. In a strange way, it's sort of nice being known as Jesse's girlfriend, even though previously I would have hated the loss of identity. I think it's because of how proud of him I am. And its not like the people that know me as Jesse's girlfriend don't talk to me about stuff that doesn't involve him. They just come to me for updates and used me as a messenger. I had fun shooting pool with Gavin and Blaine because I haven't played with them in ages. It was cool having Sam and Molly down there too because I don't see nearly enough of them.

Last night me, blaine, and mouse went for an illegal night swim in Keystone lake. It was a lot of fun. I can't wait to go back.

Now you're my whole life, now you're my whole world

I miss Jesse. I miss his voice. I miss the color of his eyes. I miss the callouses on his hands. I miss when he would call me Catherine when I was being stubborn or childish. I miss how I would hardly have to touch him, and he would break out in goosebumps all over. I miss the way he smells. I miss feeling small. I miss feeling safe. I miss him rubbing my feet every night after I would get off work, and I miss him telling me how hot I looked in my uniform, even though I thought I looked stupid and smelled like sticky buns and smiley cookies. I miss cuddling up next to him when we'd go to sleep, and I miss waking up next to him in the morning. I miss looking at him and feeling my stomach flip and my heart soar. I miss rubbing his head. I miss cooking him meals and making him sandwiches. I miss dancing to Brad Paisley in my dining room. I miss watching movies with him. I miss him singing Green Eyes to me. I miss how much he loved my dog. I miss the way he would look at me that just screamed I love you, without having to say a word. I miss being kissed. I miss feeling beautiful. I miss Jesse.

It's been 25 days since I've seen him. He's on day 17 of 81. Our anniversary is in 5 days. Its bitter-sweet, because that's also a month since I've seen him last, and I'm not going to have any contact with him other than the letter that I write him. I'm pretty sure summer couldn't be going any slower. I would give anything for it to be September 16th and to be sitting on the curb at Parris Island at 6 am, waiting for Jesse's platoon to run by, because that'll be the next time I get to see him.

At least we can celebrate our six month anniversary together....

For you I'd wait till kingdom come.

So, lately every day has high points and low points, which leaves me not able to decide if it's a good day or a bad day. No letters from Jesse since the ones I got on Friday. It's really hard to tell myself that he's busy, and that just because he's not writing me every day doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. His mom has been getting letters pretty steadily, which kind of hurts, considering the fact that there was like, a month long period when he and his mom weren't getting along that I was his only support, and I was there for him constantly when all his family did was hurt him. I know it's his mom, and I shouldn't get jealous, but it's hard not to when I pour my heart and soul out into a letter every single day, and wake up to go wait by the mail box and pray for a letter every single day to no avail. Plus, his mom has other people in her life that she cares about that she can talk to if she has a problem. Jesse's who I talk to, and he's gone, and I'm trying to talk to him anyway, but it's very discouraging when there's no reply. I have a few people I can still talk to, but it's different with friends. This sucks. I miss Jesse so bad, and it's not even a full month yet. Deployments are going to be terrible.

America's Next Top Model is casting in Pittsburgh on Thursday. I'm thinking about going, but I don't think my body is good enough to model. I keep telling myself I'm not going because I have school in the fall, but really I'm just trying to justify it for myself because I know I'll get rejected.

Filming Abduction yesterday was kind of stupid. I don't understand why someone would want to do a movie. Doing the same thing a million times over and over again seems sort of stupid to me. It doesn't seem real. And the girls that were like flipping out because we were near Taylor Lautner were so annoying. So what if he's famous and mildly attractive? Who cares? He's just a person.

I want to do something fun this week. I want to go somewhere new, but I don't want to have to drive. Someone else can drive or we can ride bikes or walk. But I want to go on an adventure.

We drink and we dance and we drown our sorrow

Conversations at twilight into the early morning about the world and its condemned state, about relationships, dreams, and soul mates, about past and present hurts, about blow jobs and sex and Elliot Smith and whatever else we may have talked about made last night the best night I've had in a very long time. You're perfect, Blaine.

#4: Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta

Blaine,

Our friendship means more to me than I could ever tell you. I consider you to be one of my very best friends, and almost more like an older brother. You've always been there for me, especially when I needed you the most. I think I've had more fun with you than with any other one person. We're both such ass holes and it just works so well together because we compliment each other beautifully. The shit that we do and the things that we talk about have made me laugh for hours on end, and I'd not have it any other way. I've enjoyed this past year immensely, even when we were bored out of our minds just trying to find something to do. I think college is gonna suck a little because I'm never gonna find another Blaine Steeves, and I don't really want to. Thank you for deciding that you didn't hate me and becoming one of the two solid, consistent, truthful, and caring male figure that I've ever had in my entire life. Love you, buddy.

I have no doubt one day the sun will come out

I have two memories that I associate with the song "Lovers in Japan" by Coldplay.

The first is sitting between Ande and Seth in Seth's bedroom on his couch. We were listening to Viva La Vida on vinyl. It was beautiful. I opened my eyes just in time to see Seth play the piano intro on the arm of his couch.

The second is driving to Youngstown to mail a letter at the post office. I took Jack along with me and he was sitting in the passenger seat. The window was open and he stuck his head out momentarily to smell the breeze. He looked back at me and smiled the way dogs do sometimes.

Every time I hear that song I think of these two things simultaneously. There isn't one memory that I prefer over the other. I think they're both lovely.

And I'm still hurting.

"You are all that keeps me from sliding into some dark place."

"But how did I keep you? We barely knew each other. A few moments."

"A thousand moments! They're like a bag of tiny diamonds glittering in a black heart. Don't matter if they're real or things I made up. The shape of your neck, that's real. You were always carrying a tray."

"You wouldn't come inside."

"I wouldn't come inside."

"I had to carry a tray to come out and see you."

"The way you felt when I pulled you to me. That kiss- which I kissed again everyday of my walking."

"Everyday of my waiting..."

-----------------------------------

I heard this today, and it made me think of you.

I want you back.

Here I lie on my own in a separate sky.

Tomorrow will be a full week since I've seen Jesse. I still miss him, but i can sleep now, and I can eat and breathe. I couldn't the first two or three days. But I realized that this is going to be the first of many times we're separated, and probably the shortest. It will be significantly easier once his letters start coming. I've send him at least one every day, sometimes two or three. I can't wait to hear about basic, but at the same time I'm nervous because I know what hell he must be going through. Although I also know that he won't be telling me the worst of it, because he isn't allowed.

Due to a lack of human contact, I've been reading a lot. I read The Bridges of Madison County two days ago, hung out with my mom yesterday, and today I'm reading Slapstick. If I didn't have to go to work today I'd probably finish it. I'm expecting A Million Little Pieces and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close to arrive today or Monday, so I'll read them next. I have a feeling my main company this summer is going to be my mom, my pets, my books, and Ange. I don't really feel like partying or bending over backwards to hang out with anyone or making new friends, so I'm just gonna read. Which is fine. I used to do that all the time before I had real friends.

I'm sewing a teddy bear for Jesse. I don't remember if I've said that yet or not..I don't think. He's brown and orange flannel and I'm gonna sew him an orange hunting jacket and hat. He'll be my teddy bear for a long time because he can't take that with him to specialized training after boot. But I think Jesse will like him anyway because I made it especially for him. Sewing is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I practically had an anxiety attack that I was gonna cut out the pattern wrong. Tomorrow I learn how to use a sewing machine...

A working class hero is something to be.

To all of you dicks out there who are rude to your waitresses and waiters and don't tip: FUCK YOU. Seriously. We make $2.45 an hour, and depend on your tips. Don't be stingy. It's not cool. And 99% of the time, the thing you're being rude to your waitress about isn't her fault. And although it's convenient for you to forget it, we're people too. You don't know what kind of a day we could be having. Like yesterday, when a ton of people got sat in my section at the same time, and they all ordered really weird and strangely specific things, and got bitchy. Plus on top of this, I was upset because I'd just found out more disturbing news about Aubrey AND yesterday was the first shift I was working that I didn't get to see Jesse after. So everyone was rude and annoying and specific and demanding and I was stressed and sad and then someone said 'Well, your boyfriend's probably waiting for you after your shift is over' and I cracked and almost started crying in the dining room. Luckily I got to go on break and I cried it out in my car and afterwards it was ok. Then I got some crack pot dad with his weird family being rude and yelling at me. Listen. If it's 11 o'clock at night and you have tired, hungry, cranky kids, take them to McDonalds. Not a restaurant. But that's beside the point.

"Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook you meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not...fuck with us."

Always be nice to custodians and secretaries. Always be kind to the people who cook your food and clean up your messes. Because even though we're just the dumb, working, masses and you're so much better than us, we remember you. And we aren't the people you want on your bad side.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

I remember when Katie and I were in french class in 9th or 10th grade and we were talking about Dave. He was going somewhere and he had to leave early in the morning, and she woke up at the same time and just sat there curled in a ball under her covers. Jesse woke up around four this morning. So did I. I've been laying in bed listening to the CD I made him. I didn't know why I woke up so suddenly, but when I checked my facebook just now, he'd written on my wall an hour before when he was in the hotel lobby on his way to catch his plane. It made me think of when Katie woke up so she could be awake with Dave. I'm glad I was with Jess this morning.

I got less than four hours of sleep last night, but no matter what I do, I can't go back to sleep. I feel so ridiculous for acting like this. I can't help it. I'm trying so hard to be brave but it's hard without Jeese to hold my hand and help me along the way. The thought of going to work and not seeing him after my shift is over is so upsetting. My bed feels so empty without him laying next to me. I'm used to rolling over and seeing him next to me, his huge shoulders like a mountain, and his feet hanging off the end of the bed, and his face totally calm and peaceful. I'm used to rolling over into big arms that tighten around me and hold me against his warm body. I rolled over to a cold bed today and an old shirt that still smells faintly of him.

When we first started dating, he asked me if this sort of life was what I really wanted. I don't, really, but I do want him. I just didn't expect it to be this hard. I wish summer was over. I've never wanted fall to come so bad. And it's only day 1 of 94.

Breathe in, breathe out.

This morning was rough. I cried a lot. I carried Oats around with me all over the house. I didn't leave my bed for a few hours while I waited for Jesse to wake up. Then when I finally did get to see him, it wasn't for long. And I cried some more. Today was really hard, but its almost over now. I haven't cried since I said goodbye at 3:45.

Blaine, I don't think you know how much you helped me today. I don't know what I would have done if you wouldn't have come found me... probably wrecked my car, because I couldn't breathe or think or see where I was going.

Today was hard, because I feel very alone now. Jesse is the person I tell everything to. When something funny happens, I tell Jesse. When I hear a song that makes me think of Jesse, I text him the lyrics. When something upsets me, Jesse holds me until it's better. Jesse was my whole life for the past few months and it's going to be really rough not hearing his voice and looking into his eyes and seeing him smile and touching his skin every day. But in the grand scheme of life, it's only three months. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It may seem stupid because we're young and naive, but I know what I'm feeling right now, and I know what I've been feeling, and it's not something that I would feel if I didn't genuinely care about him. I believe the point of dating is to find the person you want to marry. If they aren't someone you could see yourself with for the rest of your life, stop wasting your time and theirs. I wouldn't be staying with Jesse if I didn't think that he was worth it. It's funny, because when we first started dating, I remember saying to my mom 'It's not like I plan on marrying him... it's just fun to be around him.' Things have changed a lot since then. Life without him makes me physically sick.

This fool can die now with a heart that soared

Yesterday was draining. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. I've never prayed so hard in my entire life. Aubrey is ok though.

Today Jesse leaves. I was supposed to spend all day with him yesterday but we all spent the day searching for Aubrey. For those of you who don't know, Aubrey is the youngest of Jesse's siblings. She was reported missing and there was an amber alert out for her.

She walked in the door last night like nothing was wrong.

Today I get to see Jesse to say goodbye. When everyone says goodbye. I don't get any alone time with him. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. The thought of it makes me cry.

Send the pain below, much life suffocating

Have you ever noticed that when you're dreading something, it follows you everywhere?

It's stupid to take the blankets on your bed and lay them in a dirty field and then put them back on your bed when you get home. But at 2 am, if you're thinking just as clearly as normal and all your thoughts aren't clouded by sleepsleepsleep, then you're a better person than I am.

Jesse won me a goldfish at the fair last week. I won one too. We named them Allie and Noah. They're lovely and healthy. If they die, I'm not going to be ok.

Yesterday, Jesse's brother Jack called him from Afghanistan. He complimented Jesse for the first time in his life and told him how proud of him he was and how he can't wait for him to be a Marine. I tried to be happy for him, except that he called us when we were on a date in the middle of the night in Blairsville. And he told me Jack said "Dude. I don't care what you have to do, or what you have to say, get rid of this girl, because while you're gone she's going to have miles of cock inside her." I was so offended and disgusted...it doesn't even matter that Jack doesn't know me or that he doesn't know me and Jesse's situation....I was so upset I wanted to cry. I wish someone other than Jesse believed that we are going to last over the time that he's gone. It would make this a lot easier. Because the one person that's in my corner rooting me on is the one person that's leaving. And I'm just stating this now for the record: Once he's gone, I'm really going to need my friends. I don't ask for help unless I need it, and I know I'm going to need it. He isn't even gone yet and I'm having panic attacks and crying myself to sleep because I'm so scared for him and because the prospect of him leaving me behind brings up all these feelings of abandonment that I never dealt with, just pushed below and avoided. So please. If you love me, help me. I know I've disappeared off the face of the earth the past few months, but please don't hold that against me. I need you guys.

In my life I loved you more.

I wish I was enough for you.

I know I'm not.

And I know I never will be.

Today was just a taste of what the future holds.

I thought I was stronger than this.

Eyes Wide Open, Naked as We Came

Skinny dipping was a lot of fun. It was cold and the water was dirty and I got it in my mouth and eyes, but Jesse was there and his feet touched the bottom so he held me. I felt like a red neck, swimming naked with my boyfriend in a river, but it had a lovely sort of innocence to it. There's a rope swing and it was fun jumping in from up in the tree and landing in the water. There was a light, warm rain that made the river smell electric, and when I went underwater, it sounded like being inside a pop can, with the current going by and the rain fizzing on the surface. We didn't stay long, because I was cold and we were getting eaten alive by bugs, and then we had to run back to avoid more bug bites, and we didn't have towels so we were soaking wet in our jeans, but it was worth it. It's a beautiful memory.

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.

fuck communists.

#3: We Had Fire in Our Eyes in the Beginning We Never Felt so Alive

Logan,

What happened to you? Why would you push me away like you did? Didn't it ever occur to you that the issue wasn't everyone around you changing, that maybe it was the fact that you haven't changed or grown at all? We were so close, and now you hate me? How does that happen? How can you go from being friends with a person to hating them in what seemed like over night? Well, I realize now that I'm probably better off without you, although there's still a part of me that misses you and wonders what you're up to and how you're doing. I wish I could cut you out of my life as effectively as you've managed to cut me out of yours. I can't wait until I get to move away and not have to see you all the time, because hopefully you being out of sight will put you out of mind. You promised me you'd never abandon me like everyone else, and that's exactly what you did. You're exactly like everyone other person and your cold heartedness is going to get you nowhere. And just so you know, I miss Nathan and Artie more than you.

#2: The Innocent Can Never Last

Jimmy,

You held me down. You forced me. I didn't want to and it didn't matter. Nobody should lose it like that. Just because I've hardly told anyone or let it ruin my life doesn't mean I still don't think about it all the time. All the scars left from the abuse I suffered because of you are still healing. Sometimes, when I'm trying to fall asleep and Jesse isn't next to me I'll think of you and end up laying awake for hours. Sometimes, I'll have nightmares that leave me in a cool sweat. Once I woke up crying. You're a waste of life, and you disgust me. Telling people you have terminal cancer so you could win me back is repulsive. Telling me you were re-enlisting so you could go die and it be my responsibility is uncalled for. Manipulating me to stay with you with threats and fear is sickening. For your sake, I hope I never see you again. And you better hope you never run into Jesse either. Because he knows who you are and everything you've ever done to me.... every insult, every lie, every hit... And if he finds you, your life is over. He loves me in a way that a sick fuck like you could never understand. He's held me while I cried and he wants to show you know what it means to hurt, like you showed me. I was innocent before I met you. You showed me a side of human beings that I had never experienced and I'll never forget, not for as long as I live.

#1: I'll Be Seeing You

Zach,

You manipulated me, used me, took advantage of my insecurities, left me, and made me feel like I wasn't good enough to love, just to fuck around with. And I want to thank you. Thanks to you, I can appreciate what I have now. I am loved intensely, in every way a person can be loved. I don't get old and boring. Every day, I'm new and exciting. For the first time in my life, I feel beautiful inside and out. Thank you for giving up one of the best things that would have happened to you, because now I have the best thing that ever happened to me.

Is there any other kind of pain?

Please...never again....you don't know how bad that hurt.

Please.

I try to be like Grace Kelly, but all her looks were too sad

I want to be beautiful like this.

And the night seemed to last as long as six weeks on Paris Island

Like every other high school senior, I'm ready for school to be over. I'm over high school and I just want the freedom of summer and I want to go to college. But Jesse's ship out date got moved forward to June 14th, meaning that we graduate, we have a few days together, we have his grad party on the 13th, and then he leaves for Paris Island until September. I have abandonment issues and I'm not good at being left behind. I want school to be over, but at the same time, I need this month to just crawl by so I can have as much time with him as possible. Because despite what he says, deep inside I know he's gonna be different after boot camp. This isn't like going away to the Army or the Air Force. They do things at Paris Island that he won't even tell me about. I was talking to a former Sgt. at the banquet in Pittsburgh we went to, and he told us that The Marines are the only branch that still turn a blind eye to hazing and physical punishment. They get you up in the middle of the night and make you run for hours in the cold in the swamps. If you shiver, they throw buckets of ice water on you and scream in your face. If you still don't preform like they want you to, the next day they'll send you to the whiskey locker, where they'll beat you. I'm allowed to write him a letter once a week, but they censor his letters to make sure he isn't saying anything about how he's being treated. Jesse has wanted to be a Marine all his life, so I keep my mouth shut, but inside I'm horrified. And I'm terrified.

I'm gonna call my dad today. I don't know why...I just feel like I should.

Lets have another drink or three, don't be a bore

I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. In hindsight it was stupid. If you're gonna keep holding it over my head, this isn't going to work.

And for the record, I don't care if life isn't fair and your crutch is legal. It's absolutely repulsive. I asked you to stop. I stopped no questions asked. You should have the decency, the common courtesy, to do the same for me.

Mountains and canyons start to tremble and shake. The children of the sun begin to awake.

I love Bri and Gavin. I love that we can run around their house and do whatever and not have to worry about parents. However, I don't love how sensitive my stomach is and that about 85% of the time I end up like that guy... only with a significantly cleaner toilet. At least I had Jesse to hold back my hair and rub my back. And luckily I wasn't sick for long and I felt better afterwards. However he did get REALLY pissed at me and after almost leaving Gavin's and walking home, made my promise to cut the shit and stop everything because I'm just hurting myself.

So in the morning after sitting and talking to Jesse for an hour or so and eating half a roll of ritz crackers and drinking plenty of water I felt a lot better. We all went outside and sat on the curb and bull shitted with each other while the boys smoked, Jesse and Gavin paraded around in their underwear (Shawley clearly felt left out), and Penzera and Shawley wandered in and out, looking for phones and beer and cigarettes. We hung out there for a few hours, during which Gavin accidently ran over Jesse's foot with his car, and we started watching Dawn of the Dead, before Jesse came back to my house and watched Big Fish while we slept on and off. Then we emptied the dishwasher and laid around some more till I had to take him home.

I'm gonna miss him a lot this summer. It's gonna be really hard not getting to see him or talk to him, except through letters. But I can do it because it's worth it. We fight and bicker and do things that make each other mad. But then we kiss and make up and we're fine. Gavin says we act like we're married. We do, kind of, which is strange since we haven't been dating all that long. But we fit together. What I'm not, he is and visa versa. We're polar opposites and it's partially why we work well together. We're Noah and Allie. Roll your eyes if you want. You're just bitter.

Apparently the Marines have a ball every year with all the men in uniform and all their women-ladies in gowns. I can't wait to go. I'll feel just like Scarlet. I can't believe I'm excited to go to a function of a branch of the United States military. Me of all people...

All afternoon it's been raining off and on with thunder and lightening. The sky is the prettiest color right now over the ridge out my window. And the breeze is cool and it smells sweet, like summer rain.

I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars

I love second sunday. I love making mixed tapes. I don't really like making them with a theme though. I tried that last month and I just don't have as much fun. So far this month's has MGMT, Johnny Cash, Gogol Bordello, Gorillaz, Hot Chocolate, The Fratellis, and The Presidents of the United States of America. I'm just gonna call it "The only thing this music has in common is that it's on my iPod" or something. I feel like it's gonna be a really good mix.

Today Mr. Snyder talked to me about how I'd be stupid for waiting for Jesse when he goes into the Marines because I'm young so I shouldn't commit to something. I understand where he's coming from, but I'm not gonna dump him just because he's going away. And frankly, I'm done hearing about relationships from divorcees. I already have such a pessimistic outlook on them because of my Mom and Dad. I'm gonna try to make it work. If it doesn't, it doesn't, but at least try. That's what's wrong with so many people. They're afraid of complications and pain so they don't try. Its so dumb.

Tonight is the drive in with Jesse and whoever else decides to come along. We asked a ton of people, but I think the only people that are gonna show are Jesse's friends... Which is fine, I just feel sorta shy around them.

I'm done with high school. I'm ready to move on. I'm so sick of everyone. Dooooneeee. When the teachers are gossiping about you, that's when you know there's a problem.

I'm sorry I'm bad. I'm sorry you're blue.

I cannot tell a lie.

I cannot tell a lie.

I cannot tell a lie.

I cannot tell a lie.

I cannot tell a lie.

Was there a time when we knew peace?

I'm a worthless, loudmouthed bully. Just like my Dad.

I'm selfish and cruel.

I'm stupid, weak, and untalented.

I have no redeeming characteristics.

I'm undeserving

unappreciative

and unsympathetic.

I do everything wrong.

Everything's my fault.

You win. They were right- the combine always wins. Always.

I'm done. Beat. Broken.

Happy?

Close your eyes and let music set you free...

It wasn't something I did because of pressure or a feeling of obligation. It wasn't something I did out of boredom. It wasn't because I was stupid or unmotivated. It wasn't because of self destruction. I liked it. I liked how I felt. I liked how you felt. I like how things looked; like the tail of smoke the jet left as it shot across the perfect sky. I liked how I thought big thoughts. I liked how it brought people together; the friends that I have now are some of the funniest, caring, and dependable people that I know. But most of all I loved the way things sounded. Ordinary noises- birds, grass, my hand running through my hair- were amplified and made beautiful and extraordinary through you. And of course music. It was because of music that I started getting tangled up in you, but I guess that could be said about a lot of things. And now that you're gone, its the music that I'll miss the most. Because at the end of the day, I still have my friends. Jets will still shoot across the sky and leave trails of smoke that fade into nothing. I can still ask why. But I'll never understand music like I did when I was with you. I remember the first time I came home and listened to my Abbey Road vinyl and cried because it was so beautiful and I couldn't take it. Viva La Vida, Dark Side of the Moon, Led Zeppelin IV, Hail to the Thief, and Hot Fuss will always be special to me because of the times that we listened to them together.

To you, it may seem like I'm just giving up a hobby. But it's so much more to me than that. I'm giving up the way I experience music.

This really is a testament for how much I like you. I better get life points for this or something.

So 1, 2, 3, take my hand and come with me because you look so fine and i really wanna make you mine.

Senior skip day way a lot of fun. Jesse walked over from school after he got off the bus and we went back to sleep. It was really nice falling asleep in his arms. When he sleeps next to me, he holds on really tight and it makes me feel very safe. So then when we got up, I went and made us breakfast to split: a stack of pancakes and a ham and cheese omelet. It wasn't that bad. I need to practice making omelets. They always fall apart. After we finished breakfast and finished arguing over the excitement level of the outdoors channel (two guesses what side I was on.. they were hunting gazelle) we watched the notebook, and I didn't even ask. I came into the room and he already had it playing. HE wanted to watch it. I was all about it, but I just wanted to make it clear that Jesse initiated it. haha Then after arguing over TV stations again (VH1 classics vs. the military channel) he put on Jeremiah Johnson. I made fun of it relentlessly for a half an hour before I took him to go lift. So when I came home I continued to watch the movie, NOT KNOWING that it was like, 4 hours long. I'm just waiting for Jeremiah to go fucking DO something and it never happened for me. I was only half watching though. I'm glad I saw some of it though, because my Baba always used to call me Pilgrim and that's what that's from.

Speaking of lifting, I went to the weight room Thursday after school and did a core, back, and arms work out. Jesse walked me though it, and by walked me through it, I mean forced me to do it, complaining every step of the way. I'm very sore. Tuesday (if I don't have Ars Nova) is legs and core. I feel like that won't be AS bad, since I have SOME muscle strength in my legs from dance and I legit have zero muscles in my arms and that was the first time I've ever done an arm work out.

Friday nights are my favorite. I love going to pool hall and finding luke with Blaine and Brant and seeing Jesse...It's good times. I'm gonna be kick ass at pool before I go to college. It's a short term goal of mine.

You may say I'm a dreamer

I read your blogs for the first time in ages and I remembered why I stopped in the first place. Stop complaining. Nobody wants to hear it. I wish I had your problems. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Love it :)

My insomnia is officially back. I got a week of normal sleep and now I'm back to not being even a little tired. I need ativan or something to make me sleep. NYQUILL! Good call (Thank you.) hah

I love my friends. They're perfect. We walk around Latrobe and bull shit and laugh our asses off. You wish you were us.

MY SENIORITIS IS CHRONIC. I don't want to go to school at all....But I have to because I have sssssoooooo much art shit I have to get done before the quarter is over...which is Friday, our senior skip day, so it's gotta be in by thursday. I have tomorrow night and Wednesday night to get it all finished because Tuesday Jesse SOMEHOW convinced me to go to the weight room after school before he comes over for dinner...then my mom has class from 6-9 so we're having a movie night. Ha. I cannot she's trusting me alone with him after almost seeing the BKD. (If you know what that means, good for you, if not...ask me about it sometime. It's a hilarious story. It's fun for the whole faaamilyyy...freaknik lol)

I just walked into my bathroom to get my nyquill and I woke my mom up on accident and she goes "God, it feels like I JUST went to bed." "Mom....you did..." "Oh....I thought it was morning..." and we both laughed really hard.

I shouldn't care about the art shit. I'm already into college....NO STOP I CAN'T DO THIS AAAHHHH. I'm gonna end up gonna end up going to the movies tomorrow to see tame your dragon or whatever it's called. I can tell. Damnit.

I had easter dinner with Jesse's family today after a long conversation with Alex and him announcing to his family that he doesn't have a problem with Jesse and I dating anymore. So that's good. And everyone was really nice except his sisters Ashley and Aubrey. Ashley just ignored me and Aubrey shot me dirty looks and made a snide comment and then when I left they proceeded to talk about my hair and how I looked like a hot mess. FOR THE RECORD I DO NOT APPRECIATE ALL THIS SUDDEN HOSTILITY TOWARDS MY HAIR. I thought everyone liked it, and within the past week I've heard how horrible it is from like, 3 or 4 different sources. Anyway, I love his brother in law Kevin. I sit down in front of Jesse's six siblings, his mom and dad, and a few of his sibling's spouses and he takes one look at the impossible-to-conceal hickey on my neck and at the top of his voice goes 'So Cate, does Jesse bite?' and just sits there and giggles as I blush. Then for like, and hour, every now and then "So Jesse, you into vampires? You like vampires, Jesse? How do you feel about Twilight with all them vampires? Huh?" And Jesse was totally oblivious so I had to explain it to him later. I thought the whole thing was hysterical. And I like his mom. I hope she warms up to me eventually. I want her to be friends with my mom. They would get along so well. Maybe some day.

Honey you are a rock upon which I stand

I loved today. It was wonderful. Jesse came over around 11 to help me clean my house. We got a little bit of cleaning done, which is more than what I expected us to do. We kept getting distracted and we spent a good amount of time laying around and talking.

MOUSEGIRL AND ANGE: I have a new hilarious story for you. Holy God. It's...yeah. It takes the cake. Legit.

Today was also great because I got to eat all of my favorite foods: Perogi pizza, chocolate milk, a smiley face cookie, pork and sauerkraut, and mashed potatoes.

Jesse also washed my car and my mom's car. We had an epic water battle with freezing hose water (Which nobody wants) which I won when I stuck the hose down the back of his pants. hahahaha I show no mercy. And after dinner we watched Forrest Gump.

The only problem with today was when Jesse explained to me the way the marines worked. He'll leave for boot camp in June for 3 months that I'll be allowed to send him one letter a week and visa versa. Then after 10 days leave he'll go to marine training for 6 months at Paris Island. I don't think he'll get leave except for holidays maybe. I'm not sure. Then he'll be in some other training for 2 years in California I think and then he'll be deployed to whatever war zone where he wants to basically be a grunt and do reconnaissance. That'll be 9 months in war, 6 months home for God only knows how long. I'm so worried for him.

I hate how parents complain that we don't tell them things and then when we do they get so upset.

That party last night was awful crazy I wish we taped it.

It really wasn't crazy, but I had fun. Except when I had to pee and when I got thrown off the couch and we didn't have a place to crash. But I know all the words to I Love College and I had Jesse to sleep on and walk with. We heckled people playing street hockey at midnight. They missed the goal and I told them they sucked. And I laughed till Jesse dragged me off.

Fact: When someone offers you gatorade at a time of need, accepting it is probably your best life choice.

I'll find you in the morning sun and when the night is new

You are the slutty whore to my dirty mistress.

You are still my person.

I'm here for you if ya need me bud.

I want to hold your hand.

I want you to make me soup when I'm sick.

I want you to come over and watch a movie that I want to watch, despite it being a chick flick, because I'm sick and I should get to pick.

I want you to make plans with me before you make plans with anyone else.

I want you to tell me good night and good morning.

I want texts every now and then to remind me that you're thinking about me. Are you even thinking about me?

I want you to want to spend time with me, even if its just for a few minutes.

I don't want to sit here alone letting Alex feed my self doubt, wondering who you're with and what you're doing. Because it's really hard for me to trust people. And you're not making it very easy. I want to trust you but it can't be a one sided thing.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy

The only things they have in common is that they're all talented, all gorgeous, all have my heart, and all smoke.

If you could pull that rope just a little higher, We would dangle alone like a firefly

Your timing astounds me. Really.

I think I have the plague. My muscles ache, my throat hurts, I can't sleep unless I drug myself with a heroic dose of Nyquill, my head is killing me, and I feel nauseated. And it doesn't matter how I feel tomorrow because I still have to go to school thanks to Mr. Richter. Coooooool. I can't even stand for long periods of time. I had to sit down in my shower so I didn't faint or throw up. My mom wants to take me to the hospital BUT CLEARLY the important thing here is our visual assessment presentations on Friday. I hate high school...

I hope Jesse can come over tonight and watch a movie with me. My mom isn't gonna let him though. bah.

Hopefully some Rufus will make me better. And valley dairy chicken noodle soup from Blaine.

All I can do is just pour some tea for two

This feels different. But it's ok. I can get used to it. It's good.

You guys suck. That really hurt. I feel like you guys don't even like me and keep me around because you like her so I sort of come with the territory.

Last night I had a dream that Mrs. Penzera was driving me and theresa to some college in a rental car. She kept putting her feet on the seat and getting it dirty and I kept trying to brush it off. Then we got there and we had to share a bed in a dorm. My feet hung off the edge. All these people kept coming in, but ande was the only one I recognized. I pretended to be asleep so I could watch all the people. Then when we woke up my hair was all messy and they offered us two different kinds of gum- orange bubblicious and this fancy peach gum that was shaped like peaches. They told us we had to use up the orange first, but theresa grabbed the peach one anyway and screamed because it was so good. Then she kept licking the box. I laughed and told her to get a hold of herself. Then I woke up.

I'll come running back to you

i love that i'm your comfort smell.

I gave you the best of me. Got my collection of photos and that old box of letters, gonna soak 'em up in gasoline.

I'm in the right mind to delete this blog. I'm NOT ok with what happened today. You had no right. Don't you realize that maybe there's a reason why I didn't tell the cast of the entire musical about my self doubt and self confidence issues?

I have never been so embarrassed. Never.

I have a dream, a fantasy, to help me through reality

What's the point of dating someone if you can't see yourself spending good amounts, if not the rest of your life with them? Isn't that the point of dating? To find someone you will marry? So if you meet someone and think to yourself 'Wow. I really like them. I couldn't totally see myself married to them.' then whyyyy don't you ask them out on a friggen date? Ugh. It's so FRUSTRATING. It's not like it matters, because the only reason I'm interested is because he's a rebound from someone that never even happened that I can't get out of my brain. I am independent and I am me and I really DON'T like feeling crippled because of another person... or lack of a person, for that matter. I did not want to be in a relationship. I had it all worked out. And now thanks to one person that probably puts me out of his head the minute I'm out of the room, everything is all messed up and now for the first time in my entire life I'm being denied something that I really want. And for the first time in my entire life I don't know what to do to get what I want. I sound spoiled, dramatic, and manipulative and maybe I am but I don't care.

Sometimes when I can't sleep, I pile up the pillows on the opposite side of the bed and cuddle up next to them. I pull the covers tight and hold Oats close and pretend you're sleeping next to me, holding me. I pretend that your arm is draped over my waist and your face is in my hair and I lightly run my fingernails up and down my arm, pretending it's you, until I fall asleep.

I want you to read this so bad, but you probably won't....

I know I may be on a downer I'm still ready to dream

So I really think the world is ending. It seems like every day there's a major disaster somewhere. Earthquakes, Tsunamis, (I totally spelled that right on the first try. I'm so impressed with myself) plus all this snow... This is not ok. I have way too much to accomplish before I die. I've only got a handful of things crossed off on my list of things to do before I croak. I won't even have graduated college yet. That's not even fair. Nor will I be old enough to legally drink. I won't be married or have a chance to come back to my high school reunion and be all famous and stuff and laugh at the hoes. Not cool.

New Found Glory was AWESOME. Oh my god. So good. So much fun. I have so many bruises. And someone crowd surfing got dropped on my head and I almost passed out. My drunk concert buddy Nate and Blaine had to pick my up off the floor and stand me up. Now I keep getting these splitting head aches....I have one now. Whatevs. So worth it. Apparently the hot guy from Rock Star is friends with the members of NFG and all these other bands and was there helping them sound tech and stuff and partied with them till like, 6 am after the show. He was like 'you should have grabbed me. We coulda hung out.' Ugh. That would have been so awesome. He was telling me about how the guys from Dropkick Murphy's were snowed in at some bar in Monroeville and they were texting the NFG guys all pissed about it. That's hilarious. I need to figure out Hot Guy from Rock Star's name... haha

It's a shame cool people tend to be so fucked up in the head. Really.

How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming.

I'm afraid this is happening again. I don't know what I'll do.

Oh and thanks a lot for ruining everything I had worked out.

I don't know what to tell you; There's just this thing about 'cha

I love my tattoo. It's so pretty... And it's flawless. Johnny did such a great job. I couldn't be happier.

Let me tell you something... tattoos don't hurt nearly as bad as everyone says. I got mine on my foot, and honestly, on a pain scale of 1-10, I'd give it like a 4 or 5. When they hit bone it's like, a 7. But when I fell on my bad knee at rehearsal last week (not the one in my last blog. The other knee haha) I'm pretty sure it hurt worse than my tattoo. And I think my piercings hurt worse too, particularly my belly button. My conch was definitely more sore afterwards than this is. I couldn't touch my right ear for like, a month.

It just hit me last night that my tattoo isn't going anywhere. It seems like that would be obvious, and I knew that, it's just that I hadn't looked at it in a while and I almost forgot about it, and I glanced down because I had to pick something up and I saw it and it hit me. But like I said, I think it's gorgeous so I'm perfectly fine with it. And I can't wait to get more. It's such a cool experience. Even though it hurts a little, I sort of like the way it feels. Plus you meet interesting people, because in general, the people hanging around tattoo shops that are friends with the artists are pretty interesting. This guy was talking to me about his roommate's skanky girlfriend, and I got to hang out with Chris a little bit. Amanda got her tattoo too, at the same time. Nick did it. It turned out really nice too, but I like mine better :)

If this stupid snow keeps me from going to Pittsburgh with Blaine, Imma flip shit. I am SO over the snow. I'm ready for summer now. Nature....the snow was cool at first, but you're going over-board. It's possible to have too much of a good thing. Begin back peddling immediately....give me summer nooowwww.

...from the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Sam asked me to prom today. I'm so excited. Me, Sam, Kayla, and Connor are going together. We're going to have so much fun.

Other than that, today kind of sucked. Well, rehearsal did. I hurt my knee again. And it's killing me. I can hardly straighten it. And when I hurt it dan krack just yelled at me. And everyone's mad at me, it seems. And nobody gave me hugs goodbye. And Allie Lubic says I ruined her life for going to prom with sam. So she hates me and pushes me and his me with her mug. Being there till 8 at night is terrible and I hate it. I'm literally there for like, 13 hours every day. This has officially stopped being fun. The only fun I have is seeing my friends.

So I'm just gonna watch Wall-e and cuddle with Angel because she loves me unconditionally.

Dance, dance your decay all the while, unknowing youre led astray

Blogging kind of lost a lot of it's pizazz when I realized that I really can't just say what I want because a ton of people that shouldn't care about what I have to say read this. If you see me on an almost daily basis, but haven't talked to me since I was like, 13, then why intrude now? It's just weird.

Why do you apologize then continue to ignore me? Why did you waste your dollar if you were just going to keep on hating me?

Don't think that this is all innocent fraternizing. I've planned this all out. Wednesday is just step one. I'm not goin' nowheres.

I understand now. I just woke up the other day and realized I didn't really like you anymore if I really thought about it. And I don't miss you terribly. Sorry.

Left you love notes on their headstones

Last night, I learned the proper way to decapitate a zombie with a shovel.

Today, I used that technique to break up the 14 inch thick pile of ice on my front deck.

Ice everywhere: quake with fear.

This here is for a good time, so everybody get off of your asses

lolcats will never get old.