And no-one sings me lullabies And no-one makes me close my eyes And so I throw the windows wide And call to you across the sky

"Try not to be too nice to me, okay?"

"Why?"

"It makes me nervous."

"You're actually a quiet person you know."

"I know."

"You're good at fooling people into thinking

you're outgoing...but the real you is quiet and

subtle and reserved. I know you better than

them, wether you want to believe it or not.

Because you've been forced to let me into

places in your head that you don't let other

people even imagine exist."

"Fuck my redemption I don't want to

be redeemed. I regret nothing."

"Borderline personality disorder. An instability

of self image, relationships, and mood...

uncertain about goals, impulsive in activities

that are self damaging, such as causual sex."

"I like that."

"Social contrairness and a generally pessimistic

attitude are often observed...Well, that's me."

"That's everyone."

"With enough courage you can

do without a reputation."

Pirate skulls and bones...Sticks and stones and weed and bombs

Last night should have been the best sleep of my life. I finally got my electric blanket out of the attic so I wasn't freezing and I have Egyptian cotton sheets that I got for Christmas to sleep on. By the way, if you've never experienced Egyptian cotton, you need to get on that, because it's fabulous. It's so soft. It makes me think of Uptown Girl...how Brittney Murphy's character loves Egyptian cotton sheets....but remember when she buys really expensive ones? Yeah, that's false.....these sheets were like, $30 at the mall and they're amazing. Anyway, I was also slightly drunk seeing as on Holidays my family drinks all day long...not a lot, just gradually all day. That egg nog they sell at Walmart definitely has some kick to it. So considering these things, I should have slept like the dead. No. I didn't. I woke up like a million times and had all these weird dreams.

Christmas was really good this year. I got to spend time with my family and I'm gonna get to see my friends... assuming I can get people to come get me. I'm grounded from the car. I came home the other night and I smelled like smoke...and so did the car. so now I'm in trouble. But I'm not worried about it....I can get rides.

I got a lot of really good presents. I GOT HOT FUSS and I've listened to it like, 5 times already. the only sad part is that "Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll" isn't on there, and its on the older vinyls....and that's my favorite Killers song, I think. So I might still buy the expensive one, because my mom got this one for $15 at Hot Topic. And it came with a t-shirt. And Sticky Fingers didn't have the zipper on the front....my mom refuses to believe me that he was a boner on the cover which is why the album cover was such a problem when it was released. I was like 'uuuhhh....it's as plain as day...I'm pretty sure you've seen a boner before mom.' and I was sent to my room. hahahaha

I also got an official Fleury jersey and a lucky brand bag from my grandma...and money. Kayla got me Tuck Everlasting soundtrack and I like, stoped breathing when I opened it. For reals. (I've noticed I do that often...haha I stopped breathing when I saw Hot Fuss in Hot Topic.) My mom got me those albums, plus atom heart mother on vinyl, an external CD drive since the internal one on my laptop is broken, clothes, a Victoria's secret tote bag that I'm pretty sure she plans on using because she's wild about it, and Scottish breakfast tea that was quite good. And my Egyptian cotton sheets and other little stuff.

My Dad gave me a hideous stuffed animal frog, a tiny junky rhinestone bracelet that I can hardly fit around my wrist (which is fairly small) and can't wear anyway because I'm allergic to nickle, and a clunky plastic watch from the dollar store. That was like, the first present from him that I opened on Christmas since I was 9 or something, and honestly I would have rather received nothing. He didn't even try. Trying to get me a thoughtful gift would have been a Beatles Cd or new strings for my guitar. He knows I play the guitar and he knows I love The Beatles. Even if they would have been the wrong strings or I already had the CD it wouldn't have mattered. And I got him a really nice gift that is personal and mature. So I didn't call him yesterday. And he didn't call me either. So we're probably back to doing this again. We're both stubborn as hell and I refuse to call him. And don't think it's about the present. It's not. It's that I'm sick of him not acting like a Dad. He still hasn't apologized for abandoning me for years and ignoring me, and I haven't forgotten. And he hasn't apologized for what he said about my Baba, the man who was more of a dad to me than Tommie ever will be.

My mom has to be at work in a half an hour, so she'll probably leave in 15 minutes. I've been pretending to be asleep so I don't have to get yelled at this morning because I made her really mad last night. I don't remember what I did. I'm sure it was terrible. So when she leaves I'm gonna go paint and work on all my art crap I have to do over break. I need to do my portfolio prep painting, my human figure painting, an eraser portrait, two views of the human head, and a paper on Derek Hess. ugh.

But it's all alright because TONIGHT IS GONNA BE AMAZINGGGGGG!!!!!!! clusterfuck '09, as it has been dubbed, is going to be so much fun. I'm so excited.

Apologies from me. This is nothing that I want you to see

I pulled out a muscle in my lower back again. Oh well. I got to stay home from school. I MUST study for the Alive test today. I was supposed to take it last Wednesday. so I came to school late. Then I had the preview on Thursday and Friday I just didn't mention it to Duda. So I skipped today. I need need need need to study.

Last night I stayed up until 3 watching House of 1000 Corpses. That movie's so fucked up.

I haven't eaten pancakes in years. Then all of a sudden I'm eating pancakes all the time. Not even on purpose. It's just happening that way. I'm okay with it. Pancakes are tasty.

I've joined a gym. I love it. It makes me feel better about myself.

I'm so close to getting my tattoo. 54 days until I'm 18... counting today, and my birthday.

WYEP is an excellent radio station as far as I'm concerned. Especially the Friday Night Mix.

Jessica bought me a St. Jude medal. He's the patron saint of lost causes. It's on the same chain as my ankh now.

Last night, Gwen broke down sort of. She was being all bitchy if we would try to accelerate above 15 miles an hour. The entire way home I held my St Jude medal and prayed out of pure terror. We hit 50 on the way home and we were fine. Just saying.

I thought I'd lost something really important. I found it last night. I am so excited about it.

I started talking to this guy on facebook. And he lives in Pittsburgh. And he's cool and all but I don't really know him. And he texts me constantly. I dunno. It's just a little strange to me I guess.

My play went really well. I'm really sad it's over though. That's the last play I'll ever do at the high school.

I need to start concentrating on school more. I have a lot to get done. I'm starting to get behind. This isn't going to be a very relaxing day...

You just annoy me now. I used to be all about you. Now you just get on my nerves.

I love our half baked schemes, CDs, and ridiculous conversations. Unordinarily gay.

You make me nervous sometimes.

Sometimes when I'm with you I feel like there's a big elephant in the room. We both know what it is.

Wow, I still miss you. Seeing you the other day at the mall made me wish things had gone differently. Now we don't even talk anymore. That dumb T-Pain song makes me think of you.

I still think you're one of the coolest people ever.

Stop trying so hard.

And I do appreciate you being 'round

I HATE APPLYING FOR COLLEGE AND IT'S ALL I'VE BEEN DOING ALL DAY LONG. I seriously feel like my head is going to explode.

Have you ever wondered why some people like a certain kind of music and some people like a different kind of music? I was thinking about it today when I was listening to Hot Fuss in my car. And have you ever wondered why some people like loud music but some people like to listen to it softly? And why do we sing along?

Looking back at sunsets on the east side we lost track of the time

The only thing I wanted for christmas was Hot Fuss on vinyl. But it was really rare and hella expensive... like, a hundred and some bucks a record. And i is on blue vinyl. ANYWAY. last night I walked into hot topic, and I was looking around trying to kill some time before I could go home. And I was just about to walk out and I glanced back towards their vinyl section and it was there... in a special limited edition collector's box with a t-shirt. And stick fingers was there too. I literally about passed out. Like, I couldn't even talk or walk towards it for like, 30 seconds. Then when I finally did, I picked it up and was looking at it and it's only thirty-six bucks, which isn't bad at all considering it comes with a t-shirt. I gave my mom my 15% off thing for hot topic and told her she muuuuusssssssttttttt goooooo if she loves me it all. I'm so excited. Sticky fingers is on red vinyl and hot fuss looked like it was on blue...not the bright blue like it was on ebay, but it could just be a bad picture. I don't even care. I just want to listen to it.

Hey Blaine Steeves.....

A Clusterfuck of Sorts, Disc 2.

Side A:

1. Short Skirt, Long Jacket- Cake

2. Sex and Candy- Marcy Playground

3. Meet Me in the Red Room- Amiel

4. Love You Madly- Cake

5. Going Missing- Maximo Park

6. Going to California- Led Zeppelin

7. Beverly Hills- Weezer

8. Scarlet Begonias- Sublime

9. Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll- The Killers

10. Vince the Loveable Stoner- The Fratellis

11. Goodbye, Bear/ Love Me Dead- Ludo

12. Shut Up and Smile- Bowling for Soup

Side A is the story of

Max........the hopeless romantic

Marcy......the prostitute

Scarlet.....the love interest

Vince.......the drug dealer

Jaret........the optimistic best friend

They're not all strangers...a lot of the story is what happens between each of them that leads them to each other.

Side B is still in the works. I haven't decided if it'll be a new set of people or if I should continue with these characters.

Side B will (I think) have some Motion City Soundtrack, Blink 182, Cobra Starship, Offspring, Modest Mouse, and Green Day.

And me, I ain't ever gonna understand

All I do anymore is read my friend's blogs, day dream, make mixed CDs, read, and do a lot of nothing.

Personally I don't mind.

But I really should work on college stuff.

I need to get outta here.

because I'm starting to get comfortable.

And that's not okay.

I need to get away from here.

I'm so proud of you. Seriously. Stalls is right.

I love you.

I wish we were as close as we used to be.

These songs remind me of you.

I'm sorry I didn't send you anything for your birthday. I wanted to.

I knew this would happen....again.

Fading Joy

Hello?

Mother Moon?

It's me, Joy.

Can you hear me?

Hello?

I know you're up there. I can see you. But you're so far away.

Why are you so far away?

I just want to talk to you for a few minutes. Like we used to. Do you remember how we used to talk? It was such fun!

......What was it that we used to talk about? I've forgotten. Beautiful things, I know that, but I can't.....

......can't quite.....

I don't even know how I got here. Isn't that strange? I know I came from someplace warm. Warm and dark. And water. There was water.

I remember floating in the night sky...

...or deep in the ocean...

And voices! Big soft angel voices. They told me things. Secret things. And they sang to me.

Beautiful songs about.....

I can't remember what the songs were about anymore.

I try... but they're gone.

Won't you tell me Mother Moon? Won't you whisper in my ear one more time?

Please?

Why won't you answer me?!

What have I done wrong?

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you

I'm in love with Brian Craft. We had so much fun lst night. I went tanning for the first time ever and I loved it. Now today we have to go to our photoshoots and we're gonna look totally busted. hahahahahaha we didn't get to sleep till really late. We were like, running around his dorm making so much noise. His roommate went home for the weekend.

We shared a bed last night. It's a single bed. we were very close to each other. hahaha

I do not want to go to school tomorrow. Oh noooooooo.

Musical auditions went really well. I'm really excited for call backs. I want Belle so bad...I really hope I get it.

Apparently Katti Groso was bagging on all the seniors auditioning this year. She said Katie Shannon couldn't sing, and that Arielle couldn't either. And apparently I'm too fat to be Belle. Whatever bitch. She didn't even get a call back last year. I don't know why she thinks she's gonna get cast.

I got a haircut. I asked for a half an inch off. They cut off FOUR FUCKING INCHES. I'm not okayyyy with it. I cried. A lot. I mean, I know it's stupid, but I haven't had a hair cut in 5 years...just trims, nothing drastic. And then this happened and I had like, a panic attack. I had to re-scheduel senior pictures and everything because it looks terrible. I wish I could have not had headshots today. God, I hate it so much...

Think you got me confused for a better man.

For not having checked my blog in three days, surprisingly few new blogs have been posted. I haven't been in the mood to write either though. So it's whatever. 

I have soooo so so so so much homework to do and I just cant bring myself to do it. I'm supposed to read the first five sections in Alive...and so far, it's pretty boring. I have to do a sketch of my foot, which I plan on doing tonight right before I go to sleep, write two speeches on paintings I've hardly studied, and do two paintings. Shit, and my value figure drawing. Damnnn....

I got a new phone, so I've just been playing with that and listening to music on my lappy.

I've been looking for the soundtrack to Tuck Everlasting for years. and the CD is out of print. Well, they have a copy of it at CD Warehouse for like, $70 bucks. I wish it wasn't so expensive....

Friday night was a lot of fun. A bunch of people went to this girl's house and we were hanging out and watch the Pens game and stuff. I got really sick though, so I had to go home.

You know, it's really strange, but I'm really gonna miss my old phone. I was like, emotionally attached to it. I had old texts saved from my friends that I'd go through that would make me smile. "oh shit don't say anything...nevermind idoit." "I'm lurking like a creep." "Theater people cate, you're one of them." "I know! That's what I said. ugh I'm so mad I'm not gonna sleep till christmas" "you were great" "thanks one love" "I think you have a really pretty voice, so Chuck can stick it." "I think we should fight, like physically. It's the only way." "From this moment on, we're practically soul mates." "Goodnight lovely. Sweet dreams." "You're my hero." Like, I still know most of them off by heart, but still. I dunno. Most of them had to do with someone I care about telling me they loved me. So they were there for reassurance. It's stupid. But I'll miss them.

I hate when you hear a good song and make a mental note of the lyrics so you can look it up later but then don't remember them. I heard the coolest lyrics friday night and I have no idea what they were.

I think Brian is coming up for a little this afternoon. I miss him so much. I'm so worried about him. He hasn't been going to classes lately. We need to have cate brian time. 

My back still hurts from that damn bison this summer. 

My grandma is doing a lot better. She's been moved to a nursing home and is recovering. Sooo that's good. I like her roommate a lot. She's very nice. She told me she thinks I'll be the next Ron Howard. :)

Friday afternoon I was driving around Brant King and Zach Pope and I saw a really old woman driving a red VW bug. I was so confused I literally almost wrecked the car because I was staring after her. hahaha

I've got electric light. And I got second sight.

I'm pushing myself to the limit. 

My body is sick and exhausted.

My mind is getting there too.

Why am I acting like this?

Please tell me you love me. 

Into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way

Tomorrow I'm going to Philly to look at a college. I'm excited. I like it a lot. 

For the last time with feeling, we'll try not to smile.

I don't understand why some people that are surrounded by people can think they're alone. Open your fucking eyes. Everyone WORSHIPS you. You could do no wrong. You're so delusional, it's exhausting.

Whatever make you happy. Whatever you want.

Don't all the thoughts going around and around in your head drive you crazy? Don't you think it would be easier on your brain to voice them?

These people aren't your friends, they're paid to kiss your feet.

I feel like I could be run over by a car and nobody would even care.

I need a little room to breathe.

Did I do something wrong? Because lately it seems like you've been distancing yourself from me. Which is fine...I just wonder why.

I'll pack my bags, I swear I'll run- I wish my friends were 21.

I don't do anything anymore. I don't hang out with anyone. I just stay home. 

You're not the only one but you're the best Bradley.

Yesterday I remembered how much I loved music from the 60s. I'd forgotten and replaced it. It used to be all I would listen to. I missed it. 

When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead.

I used to like my personality a lot more than I do now.

I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.

I'm ripe with things to say. The words rot and fall away.

Kayaking was a ton of fun.

So was not being in school for the past two days.

I'm toying with the idea of not going tomorrow either. Because I STILL haven't done my psych homework. I tried...I had to give my mom a personality test but she screwed up all the test results by rating everything backwards so what should have taken like, 5 minutes took like, 30.

After we were done kayaking, we were allowed to walk around Saltsburg for a half an hour. It was such a bizarre little town. It reminded me of what I imagined the town in Children of the Corn to look like. Very small and everything is out of business and out of date.

Nobody flipped their boats, so I consider the day to be a success.

Then on the way home we asked our bus driver to delay our return to school for as long as he could. So he took us to McDonald's and offered to buy us all Sundaes.

Yesterday I got The Bends on vinyl. And I had lunch at Penera bread. 

I really do need to do my homework. Because if all goes well, I am not gonna want to do it after six. 

I just want to go to the Warhol tomorrow. 

According to facebook, I will date someone named Mitch who plays lacrosse. Hm. I don't see it happening.

I miss summer. I miss being with Brian and Andie all the damn time. I miss shenanigans up at the A frame with Justin and Brian and the Erics. I DO NOT miss Julia and feeling abandoned by my other friends. I miss being on stage seven times a day. I miss not having school and waking up at 10 at the earliest on days that I had to work. Buuuuut at the same time, thank God it's over.

I need time to stop. Because I have so much that I need to do and I'm running out of time. 

We look like we just got here, but we've been here all night

I asked my mom for a membership card to the Carnegie Museums of Pittsburgh because I love going to museums and I think I want to go to them more often. My mother responded by telling me how materialistic I am and stupid. She told me how I never go to museums so there's no point in wasting $75 dollars to get membership to museums that I don't ever go to. I tried explaining to her that the reason I don't go is because she never lets me drive to Pittsburgh and that if I had free admission I would go all the time. Then she started off on some fucked up tangent about how I should just get a new family because I don't like her anyway. So I just told her that she was right and that I would move out if I could, and now she's all upset and not talking to me. I told her I didn't care. It's ridiculous that she's willing to buy me things that I don't want or need, but when I ask for something for an early Christmas present that I want, she yells at me for spending too much money. Sorry that I can't get a job. It's not like I'm not trying. I've applied everywhere, including McDonald's and Walmart. And even if I did get a job, I don't know how I would make it fit into my schedule between the play and school.

She also told me that I shouldn't bother getting membership because I wouldn't have anyone to go with since I don't have any friends. 

Ugly words: April, cute, laborer, extinct, furlough, umbrella, lichen, laser, hoary

Pretty words: syrup, waterfall, implication, lacerate, devastate, lucid, ambivalence, grotesque

I can't decide how I feel about the word doldrums. 

I reorganized my spare bedroom into a fancy tea room. I'm gonna repaint it because right now it's this ugly light pink. And everything has roses on it. I don't know what color it will be. But I'm excited about it. It's either gonna be purple or really bright pink. And I need new wallpaper because I think it's easier to put more wallpaper up on top of the old stuff than to just take it down. 

While I was looking for a song lyric to put as my title, I stumbled across the quote "Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see" by George William Russell. I like it. It reminded me of "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eyes." from the little prince.

I don't want to do my homework. I don't have anyone to administer my personality tests to for psych. If I wasn't kayaking on tuesday, I'd just skip tomorrow. I'm skipping thursday and going to pittsburgh I think to the warhol. One of these fridays or saturdays I'm gonna go to the laser show at the iMax. It sounds pretty cool.

Idle Kids With Idle Hearts

I've spent my whole day drinking tea. I was cleaning out the closet in the dining room, getting rid of some old stuff we don't eat, I came across my good earl grey from Williamsburg. Oh my god...it's so good. It made me realize though that I need to get a good tea pot. Because I have some really nice tea cups and stuff, but I only have a crappy little tea pot, and it's pretty small. I wanna get a kettle too. 

My mom takes the keys to my car and hides them so she can make sure that I don't go anywhere and stay home and clean. The only problem I see with this is that, 1. I want to go to Aldie's and get shortbread cookies and 2. In the event of the zombie apocalypse, I'd be boned.

I want to do something fun today. Yesterday was fun for a little. Then not. haha.

I've done a little nothing, and I'll probably end up doing nothing later. Maybe I'll do something in between. I hope so.

I have a lot to do this weekend. I hope I can get it all done. I can't seem to get started though.

Diving too deep for coins

So I talked to Shane last night and made light of the fact that homecoming he acted like he really lked me and now he...doesn't. And he responded with 

'yeah. so?'

sooo I guess that's the end of that. 

That's bullshit.

Now it's gonna be weird as hell when I hang out with those guys. Great.

Whatever. It doesn't matter I suppose.

Rule.

I need out of here.

I'm left in the wake of a mistake, slow to react

I hate 'kiss me thru the phone' and 'buy u a drank' but I know the words. Its your fault. I sorta like those songs to be honest. Thats your fault too.

I'm sick of pretending to be someone I'm not around some of my best friends just so they'll accept me.

I'm tired of one sided relationships.

I'm beyond sick of being compared to you. By everyone.

You take everything from me. And nobody cares. Because you're better than me.

I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm sick of dealing with everyone's bullshit.

Today I taught someone how to swim. I was so proud of her when she put her face in the water. She's the only reason I want to go to school tomorrow. 

Whatever whatever I can't speak

I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope it's good.

The homecoming buzz is starting to wear off. Unfortunately.

I need to relax.

Take deep breath.

Let it happen.

If it is going to happen, then it will. If it's not then it wont.

I just keep reminding myself that I'm not the exception.

I'm the rule.

I'm the rule. 

I'm just the rule.

Not the exception.

I'm just the rule.

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing

I made fun of the fact that our homecoming theme was "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" but I kind of secretly loved it and let my imagination wander around the different perfect scenarios.

Homecoming was perfect. Shane and I danced to "Don't wanna miss a thing" and he kissed me. And it was so corny. But it was perfect in the senior year high school dance scene in my movie life. I'm so pleased. 

After the dance I was supposed to go up with him to Ligonier, but once again it fell through. So I just came home. But it's okay because I'm a little sleepy. I almost went to this thing at Kyle's but I decided against it. I didn't want to ruin my night. So I just came home.

My hair was perfect. My makeup looked awesome. And my dress was pretty.

Oh, and Shane got me flowers. Even though he said he wouldn't. 

I feel like such a gross girl. Gushing about homecoming. But I had a lot of fun. And I finally got the boy I liked. I hope so at least. I like him.

I don't know what's gonna happen. Pope asked me when we all went to Denny's, but I wasn't really sure what to say. Then he asked if I was being my normal Cate self or if I'm being intelligent. I don't know what that means, but I have a guess. And if it's right, I'm gonna be mad at Pope. Because I don't want him assuming things. 

Chris got a picture of me and Shane dancing. I hope it gets posted soon. I want it. 

Colt 45 and two zig zags, baby that's all we need

Last night was a lot of fun. Shane and Chris came and picked me up and we went downtown. For a while we just sat in Shane's car and listened to music. Then Zach Pope, Brant King, and some other people showed up and we hung out with them. Eventually Kayla came as well. Pope and Shane taught me how to longboard. Them teaching me at first involved me holding one of their hands while they ran back and forth so I could get used to being on the board. But then I got used to it and everyone said I picked it up pretty fast. It's fun. Next I told them they have to teach me how to skateboard so when I go to college in a city I won't need a car. 

So then Blaine showed up and we just hung out some more and did nothing. We played some piddidle, which I haven't done in a while, and despite Pope's predictions, I didn't lose.

I mostly spent the night around Shane, which is why I had so much fun I think. When I was cold I went and sat in his car and he kept coming over and talking to me, and standing really close to me, and he sat with me at McDonald's. At McDonald's I was like 'aw. Amber and I used to get hot fudge Sundays. I'll get one of those for old time's sake.' Yeah, that was the dumbest idea ever because it was COLD. So I FROZE.

At one point, Brant, Pope, Chris, and Kayla were in the back seat and me, Blaine, and Shane were in the front seat. Someone put on the song "Crazy Rap" by Afroman. I'd never heard it before and neither had Kayla, but everyone else knew all the words. It was hilarious.

Today I'm going up to the fort and I'm taking Pope. We're gonna go meet up with Shane. Later tonight everyone's coming up to Shane's and we're all hanging out. Then tomorrow is HOMECOMING with Kayla Chris and Shaaaane. I'm excited.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

My last few blogs were really pretty fucked up, so I'm sorry about that. I'll try to contain myself more. I was just really frustrated, and I put it off for as long as I could, but eventually I just had to get it out. I'm not very good at keeping my emotions internalized. I still feel like I did yesterday, but it's a little more hidden today, ad not as intense.

I went shopping the past two days to cheer myself up. I bought a brown skirt, a pencil skirt, and a purple skirt for RHPS. I got an orange shirt, and a red shirt, and a t-shirt, and a water bottle, and three pairs of high heels, one of which were for homecoming. And a pair of lacy tights. They're my Lady Gaga tights. The thing about it is, is that shopping and buying fancy clothes actually does make me feel a little better. Of course, this was only temporary, because when I wore my brown skirt, orange shirt, lady gaga tights, and brown high heel boots to school today, Sam Prichard told me how stupid I looked. And Conner acted like a totally dickhole in chamber choir. So my outfit that was supposed to cheer me up and make me feel pretty just made me feel terrible. This paragraph makes me feel very materialistic. 

It's late. I'm gonna die when I have to wake up tomorrow.

I think the song Afterlife by Avenged Sevenfold is so cool. Someday I'll choreograph a ballet to it. I can't wait. I see it in my brain and it's awesomee.

Last night I had a dream that the end of the world came in 2012 like the mayans predict. I'm pretty scared about that, to be totally honest. I work up freaking out.

Arresting moons within our eyes and smiles

I hate who I've become.

I hate who I've become.

I hate who I've become.

I hate what I've become.

I hate what I've become.

I hate what I've become.

I hate what I've become.

If I could go back I would change so many things. So so so so many little things. Things that I didn't comprehend would come back to haunt me later. There is so much I regret. And I can't ever change it.

I always wondered why I didn't feel guilty at the time or right after. It's because all the guilt, pain, hatred, and shame was all building up for RIGHT NOW.

I need to get away. I need to go somewhere where people don't know me. I want to be someone new. Somewhere where I can decide who I want to be for the rest of my life. 

Hate is a really strong word.

If someone were to ask me if I hated someone, I'd tell them that I don't hate anyone.

That isn't necessarily true if I'm being honest.

Once, Theresa called me some pretty terrible things when we were arguing.

Later, she told me she didn't mean them and that she'd just said them out of anger.

I think she was dead on.

Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive

It's really dark in my room. There's just the computer screen and my clock and the stereo and the light that filters in through my blinds. 

It's really quiet in my room. All that I can hear is myself typing this blog. And when I pause for a minute all there is is my mom typing something from her room.

It's really crowded in my room. There's the books, the CDs, the vinyls, the TV, the stereo, the record player, the piano, the desk, the bed, the end table, and all of the various things laying on my floor. But I'm alone. There isn't anybody around. Well, there's always Oats. 

I feel trapped. I feel trapped inside my body. I feel trapped inside room. I feel trapped inside my family. I feel trapped inside my school. I feel trapped inside my life. 

I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody is even looking up.

I need out.

Please look up.

I will float in silence gingerly

Katie pointed out to me today that I tend to read books and see myself in the characters.

Spinal Cord Perception: I was afraid I was like Emma- hollow and shallow and perrtty much a waste of space.

Girl, Interrupted: I was convinced I had Borderline Personality Disorder. At one point I thought I might be a sociopath, but I decided that I was more likely borderline.

I think there's a third one that I can't remember right now.

But anyway, even though I realize that I just think these things after I read it in a book, I still think them. I still think I'm like Emma. And I still think I have BPD.... even I've talked to a psych nurse and she said I don't have it....

Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac.

I got the lead in the play. I'm so excited. I'm gonna have the final bow. I hope so at least.

Logan still isn't talking to me. He doesn't even put his stuff on my shelf in human figure anymore. Its driving me crazy.

I'm getting sick of my mother. I was trying to spray one of my charcoal sketches this afternoon with that clear stuff that keeps it from smearing. The top exploded when I pushed down on the button thing and it got everywhere. Luckily, it didn't go in my eyes. However, it did get on the deck. Is my mother concerned for her child's safety? Nope, just her deck. She started screaming about it- literally screaming- and got all up in my face. Then I asked about dinner and she flipped again. So now I'm back up in my room since all I do is cause trouble.

I think I know you best when I sleep

I have the most drastic mood swings ever. I don't know how anyone puts up with me. One day I'm too upset to even stay in school the whole day, and then today I'm bouncing off the walls.

Well, to my own defense, I'm in a good mood because I saw shane today and call backs for the play went really well. I think I'm gonna get cast as Olive, which would be awesome. If so, I'll have to dye my hair red. I'm excited.

I made shane hot chocolate and took it to the farmer's market thingy in Latrobe behind the stadium. I like him. I hope I get to see him this weekend. 

My mother and I had a really bad fight the other day. Like, really bad. And for some reason Logan isn't talking to me. I think he thinks that I'm mad because he said he was gonna go to homecoming, but I'm not because I'm going with Shane. I was mad originally, but only for like, 15 minutes. 

I've just finished reading The Spinal Cord Perception. I loved it, but I'm afraid I'm like Emma. Actually, I'm terrified. Also that I'm perceived to be like Emma. It's been bothering me ever since her character was introduced into the book. So I'm gonna shut up and try to not be obnoxious like I am. Because the thought of being an empty shell of a human being like her is really upsetting me. 

I didn't get to sleep till really late last night so I wasn't all that rested. I haven't had any other interesting dreams that i can remember.... or any dreams I can remember for that matter.

I'm going to go paint. I have an idea. It's sorta stupid, but I have three canvases I made myself and nothing to do tonight, so what the hell. I'll give it a shot.

I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter

I had another dream last night.

I was swinging on a swing set with three other people- Ande, Kayla, and Logan. There were other people on swing sets down the line that I'm friends with too. And there were these men that were wearing all black and they were standing behind us with guns shooting at us. But we just kept on swinging. However, at one point, everything slowed down like it does in movies, and Ande looked and me and smiled kinda sadly, and said, 'I think we're about to die with our backs turned.' 'I don't want to die being shot in the back.' 'I don't either...' So he and I turned around just in time for all the men to shoot us in unison in the heads, Ande and I in the forehead. We were all hit and we all fell off the swings. For a minute we just laid on the ground in the wood chips but then we all started to slowly get up. And that's when we realized that it would take us three days or so to die. So we started to walk away when Logan walks directly up to Kayla, grabs her, and kisses her. Then it cuts to us standing up on a grassy hill. Eric Palanko, who must have been on another swing, comes over to me and hugs me. and we just stand there hugging for a minute thinking about all the stuff that we're not going to be able to do. Then it cuts to my basement. My grandma's old white ford escort is sitting down in the area that my bike and washer and dryer are. Julie Hendrixon and Becca Rudy are playing a game to pass the time where one of them is listing the number in the book and the other one has to guess the rule. Ande's leaning against the wall pulling paint off the car. There's a TV in the corner with my grandma talking on it, but nobody is really watching it. At this point it's getting harder for us to stay awake because we're slowly dying. I walk over to Ande and take his hand and pull him down the hall. Once we get over to the closet, I put my hands on his face, stand up on my tiptoes, and kissed him. (What's crazy about this dream is the details of everything that I remember...I remember the way that we kissed. I remember what clothes people were wearing. I remember feeling the hangers touch the back of my neck because the closet was open. It was incredibly real to me and incredibly vivid.) And as we kissed, I started to lose my balance and fall and he caught me. Cut to the commons area at my high school. There was a breakfast there and a ton of tables were set up. It smelled like pancakes. Aaron Grey was playing the piano in the corner. Kayla goes running past me and tells Ande that they need to go talk. I get a text from Ande saying 'meet me in the senior parking lot later.' I go say goodbye to Aaron and walk outside. Cut to the top of the senior lot. Melissa Rachael, Kaleb, and Kevin were standing there talking about when I thought we would all finally die. Ande walks up to me and asks if I'm ready to go. We start walking towards his car. Cut to a hill. Ande and I are standing on top of a hill. There are daisies everywhere. We're just staring at each other. Then we turn  our heads and look out over the horizon and up at the sky.

Then I woke up.

And when I wake tomorrow I'll bet that you and I will walk together again.

bubble bath. good book. bat boy. getting stuck in the driveway. Christmas decorations. Hot Topic. Manchester Orchestra LP. Victoria's Secret Pink sale. Used book sale. Walden Books. Nag Champa. Claire's. Headbands. Earrings. Shoplifting. Potato chips. Nail polish. Boys. The Killers. Books. Sex. Drugs. Rock and Roll. Friends. Memories. Explanations. Secrets. 

I had a good day with you.

I'd love to turn you on

Raisin bran looks really unappetizing...just brown flakes partially submerged in milk with little black raisin dots sticking out randomly. It tastes what I imagine flavored cardboard would taste like.

A strand of my Christmas lights in my room went out of Wednesday. I'm glad that they'll be selling it again soon because I can never find it any other time of the year. 

I'm excited for the cabaret tonight. I love my monologue. It's so strange. (Its the monologue from Fading Joy by Walter Wykes that starts out "Hello? Mother Moon? Can you hear me?" if anyone wants to read it.) And I decided that I'm gonna sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", because I only want to sing "What ever happened to my part?" if it's flawless, and it's not sooo I'm singing Somewhere. Plus that songs prettier and everyone knows it....and hopefully I'll get to close the night with it. Plus I'm singing Love Heals with a bunch of people...and although that doesn't sound perfect since we've only all sang it together once, it's good enough. Hopefully I can get the videos on facebook. 

I think I'm going to take a bubble bath and read and listen to music and burn insense this morning. I've been on a Viva La Vida kick lately. I'll probably listen to that.

Paying debt to karma you party for a living.

I just had a bizarre dream.

Okay, so there were a bunch of people at the Jonczak's house. The people that stand out to me now were Katie Shannon, Sam Prichard, Tony Marino (and I was like WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?!?!?! in the back of my mind...not even my dream self. haha) and this one kid from my chamber choir class that does the lights and sound for the productions at my school. And Seth, Christian, Cara, and Cindy. The outside of the house looked like their house but not the inside. The inside is like, huge. And really really fancy. And their driveway is a lot longer and on a hill slightly and it's right next to an six foot embankment that goes to a pretty big hole filled with water. 

So all these cars are double parked the entire way down the driveway. And mine is one of the closest ones to the garage door. There was one or two cars between me and the garage door. For some reason we all decide to go somewhere. I don't remember where, or who we were going with, but at this point it's getting pretty late. So  before we go I lock my car and go over to someone else's car that's parked in front of me and set my keys in their back seat between the cushions so that I don't have to carry them in my pocket all night. So we go and get in the car and leave. 

So then we come back and I'm walking back towards the house and I see Tony creeping around ahead of me and goes over to where I put my keys and slowly pulls them out of the car. And he starts tiptoeing back towards where my car is parked. And I notice the suburban is there, which he hasn't driven for years. And it's parked semi close to me. And although I'm not blocking him in, I decide that I need to move my car for him so he'll leave. So I call over to him 'Tony! Do you need me to move my car for you?' and I take the keys from him and walk towards my car. 'Tony, I can't move my car. Katie Shannon double parked me. So go find her and tell her to move her car and I'll move mine then too.' 

So I turn around to go look for Katie, and all these kids are standing there, the one in my chamber class in the front, wearing a bright yellow shirt. And they're all turned around staring at my car. So I turn back around and my jeep wrangler is parked on top of it. And there's mud everywhere and my car is all dented and ruined. The jeep, of course, looks fine. In the dream though, it wasn't my jeep. It was the kid in the yellow shirt's wrangler. So anyway, they're all laughing and everything, and I start flipping out. But first I pull out my phone and take a picture. Because I need to have proof that this actually happened. But then I'm like, crying and getting really upset. And sometimes when I look at my car it looks like my car, just really beat up, and other times its just a huge pile of dirt, complete with tufts of grass and weeds randomly sticking out of it. Time jumps and all of a sudden it's light out and all the cars are gone, and I'm laying out in the middle of the road curled up in the fetal position. And I'm bawling so hard I cant breathe or talk or do anything. And I start screaming. Like not even saying words. Then Sam comes outside with someone else and they're standing by the house looking down into the embankment. And I come to realize that what they did was put the jeep down in the hole with the water and drive it up the embankment really fast, using it like a ramp, and got the jeep on my car. So I sit up and start screaming about how I trusted them to leave my keys there and that I can't believe they would do this. And I fall back onto the street into the fetal position again. I try to call my mom but she doesn't answer. And Sam is being all Sam-like and goes 'Cate, listen. It's not that bad. It's only like...$6,200 worth of damage, right? You can just get it all fixed up again.' And I say that I don't have that kind of money. And I stand up and go inside. But I don't know how to find everyone. And I'm like, yelling at Cindy and Cara to help me find them. For some reason I'm starting to lose my vision which is getting black around the edges. Finally I find them and they're all sitting around a big round glass table enjoying themselves eating pretzels and laughing. So I pick up a handful of pretzels and throw them at the kid and go 'listen. You BETTER be here to explain this to my mother when she gets here. Because I'm not explaining that to her. So you can plan on not going to your soccer game.' (now it's a different kid, but in my mind he's the same one.) and he says okay and I turn to walk away and go back outside.

Then I woke up. Not one of my weirdest dreams...it was actually pretty normal. Normally they're super strange and trippy. It was still pretty vivid though aaas usual. 

Excuse me is my rant taking too long? Is it getting in the way of this lovely song?

I wrote a really long blog the other day. I accidentally closed the window before I posted it. It had a title and everything.

I hate it when you have an objective and people won't get off your back.

No, I don't want to meet you in greensburg and make out. Back off.

NO. I DO NOT WANT TO SEND YOU PICTURES OF MY FEET IN SOCKS. STOP ASKING. IT'S FUCKED UP.

Who give a shit where the cat is? Not me. She's a cat. She's doing cat things. Leave her alone.

I worked on my new monologue today. I seriously underestimated the complexity of this character. 

Mr Duda asked me about my dad today and over the course of a five minute conversation, pretty much told him the whole dad-story. And he actually cared. It's nice having teachers that care. 

My relationship with Logan has changed over the past few days. I don't know why it's changed, but I don't like it.

I'm tired but I can't sleep. I feel restless but I'm so tired. I'm might take some nyquill...or I might stay up and read. I like this book. It's different. Its that itch to run away. That's what's keeping me up.

I've managed to mess up my room again. 

I think the majority of my friendships are lopsided. I try to tell myself that it's just because I'm overly emotional and everyone else is just normal or introverted  so it just seems like that, but I don't think I actually believe that. I think that that's one of the worst feelings in the world...caring about someone more than they care about you. Because I pretty much adore all of my friends. Chances are, if I talk to you on a semi-regular basis or hang out with you, I spend the time we're apart singing your praises. I wish I didn't feel so one sided about my friendships with almost everyone. 

My mom hates her profile picture on facebook....but it's one of my all time favorite pictures because she was laughing when I took it, and we were both having a good time. I wish she didn't talk about how much she hated it all the time. It makes me sad.

I plan on burning Jimmy's picture, army card, temp driver's license, and camo marine shirt. I can't wait. I don't care if I should give the shirt back. He gave it to me. It's mine to do to as I wish.

I swear if my phone vibrates one more time and it's not someone that I actually like, I'm throwing it out the window. I am so tired of it.

I hate the cycle. We don't talk for months, then you get bored and remember that there's something about me that you don't think is bland and we talk for like, two weeks. Then you forget about me again. I'm so used to it that it doesn't even phase me anymore. I'm just waiting for the texts to stop any day now.

Begging someone to take me to homecoming did nothing for my self confidence.

I'm really excited about you.

Do you still see what song my lyrics are from?

I wish I understood your motivations. 

I guess you gave up on me. You don't really say anything but hello anymore.

I need new music. I've over listened to everything I have. I need a new band.

Soul destroyed with clever toys

I was just looking at really old pictures of myself on facebook. Its funny how much a person changes in just a few years.

My grandma sorta squeezed my mom's hand today. I'm so happy....things might be looking up.

Jimmy lied about his cancer. And when I say lied about I mean like it doesn't exist. My reasoning:

1) He said the tumor was on the right side of his heart. He also said that the tumor would hopefully be passed to his liver. The blood from the left side of your heart goes to the rest of your body. The right side goes to your heart and lungs. Not your liver.

2) You can't pass a tumor like a kidney stone. It's a growth of cells, not a little ball or something floating around. Plus that's two different systems- your cardiac system and your endocrine system (I think).

3) He says that he's taking 40 pills a day. Andie and I searched his entire apartment. There were no pills to be found. When we asked him about it he said that they had him keeping the pills at the hospital since he's in rehab. But they're not narcotics. They're blood thinners.

4) We had him take off his bandages on his arm from all the IVs and shots. There were no bruises or any marks from the needles, which would have been from the day before we saw them. If he's on blood thinners, there would be bruises. And if they were tiny needles, there wouldn't be bandages. They would have used band aids. 

5) He hasn't told any of his family about it.

6) It's all he talks about. He refuses to talk about anything else. Anyone else that I've known that had cancer didn't like to talk about it. 

So I feel like an idoit. I believed this kid all along that he has a good heart and had a hard life. I'm so stupid. I swear to God, if he comes near me, I'm going to run him over with my car...then back up and do it again. 

Today wasn't too bad. I went to church and the mall and then just kinda chilled around my house. I may have found someone to go to homecoming with. But I dunno. He goes to hempfield. I'd rather go with someone I already know. I might ask James. I don't know if I'm brave enough to ask. haha...that'd be funnier if it wasn't true.

All I want is to be home.

My grandma may have contracted some sort of disease that makes her randomly internally bleed and causes blood clot, in which case she wont live more than the next few days. I didn't go to school today. I'm going to say goodbye to her at 11:15. It's almost been exactly two years since my Baba died. I bet they miss each other.

Why is everything around me dying? I'm so scared.

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

I want to go to homecoming so bad. I love my dress. My hair would look so cool. And I would go buy the best shoes. But nobody wants to go with me. I just wish I knew what was so wrong with me....so I could like fix it or something. But since I don't know what it is, I can't fix it. So I guess I'm going alone. Or not going. Which sucks. Because I want to go so bad. So so so so bad. Bad enough that I bought my homecoming dress in December. But I'm not the exception, I'm the rule. And while the exception is that someone that wants to go to the school dance with me would ask me, the rule states that I won't get to go. 

fuck.

Going alone is going to be really embarrassing. The fact that I want to go so bad is embarrassing. 

Jimmy has cancer. It's a tumor in his aortic valve. It's inoperable. He has less than 9 months left to live. He doesn't even think he's gonna make it that long. 

I'm really sick of my mom talking about college. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I can't hear about letters of recommendation and GPA, and all the other shit she talks about. 

I've been listening to a lot of Linkin Park lately. Hybrid Theory. I've had this CD for soooo long. 

I like pretending that Green Eyes was written for me. I've been listening to it a lot recently too. By recently I mean ever since Jimmy told me he has a tumor. Shit...

Edit: I'm going to homecoming with Jimmy. I hope he's well enough to go. He's pretty sick from all the medication. He's trying really hard to fight it...even though the doctors basically told him not to bother. I didn't think I cared about him this much. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that everything in the universe upsets me....especailly things like this

The day breaks. Your mind aches.

I'm here for you. Please please please please just talk to me. It'll make everything easier. I swear. And besides. I owe it to you. I mean, come on. How much have you listened to me? Yeah. Exactly.

When the sun is out I got something I can laugh about

There's a freckle on the left side of my face on my cheek. When I worked at Idlewild and my mom would come to see my shows, sometimes when I'd come out after the show to talk to her, she'd try to brush it away thinking it was makeup.

Sister's in the bathroom killing spiders dreaming up new ways to fool a new shrink

Today I wore five inch gold high heel shoes to school. I was ultra tall. And they were totally ostentatious. And in art I had to stand for the entire class because I was making a canvas and geso-ing a bunch of them. And i was pretty sure my feet were gonna fall off. But I had fun. Someday I'll live in New York and wear them somewhere really fancy. But for now I'll just wear them here and pretend I'm a celebrity...which is what I did all day long. It's easy when everyone was turning to look at me...even if it was just for my shoes. 

I wish I could call people or text people or write blogs or post pictures on facebook without imagining everyone being annoyed with my existence. 

I wish the phrase 'fake it till you make it' actually worked.

I wish I was one jean size smaller.

I wish I didn't measure my self worth in numbers. (6 3 125 17 4 140)

I wish I had some more cash. 

You know what you gotta do. They all depend on you. You already know how this will end.

Soooo the other night I was bored and hungry, and a little out of it. So I decided to make a cake. I didn't really see it as anything important...i was just hungry and I had a few dollars and I was driving past Giant Eagle. So I got cake mix and went home and was baking the cake (and I did it all perfectly....I remembered the water this time...which is a personal accomplishment. Go me) when Alex Kessler texts me. And we're talking, and he asks what I'm doing, so I tell him. And he was like 'why?' and in my head I was like '...do I need a reason?' and he goes on to say 'that's what I like about you. once you get an idea, that's it. you do it no matter what anyone says.' And for some reason, that's really been bothering me for the past few days. First of all, it's just a cake. It's really nothing to get all worked up about. I baked it because I wanted to. I didn't really think you need to have a special occasion. Secondly, yes, I'm incredibly stubborn. But honestly, if someone had asked me to not bake the cake, I wouldn't have. It is, after all, just a cake. But nobody tried to stop me. So where did you get off with the idea that someone did, Kessler? And finally, out of all the things to like about me, you like the fact that I decided to bake a cake? Excuse me? No. You don't even know me, so don't act like you do. Just because we had one conversation that lead you to learn some of my favorite bands, or what my favorite color is, or the fact that I don't get along with my dad doesn't mean you know me. What's my happiest memory? Why do I like the color red best? What am I afraid of? Nobody has ever cared to ask, including you Alex. Anything you know is just on the surface. You're not my best friend. You don't get to comment on my baking. So just stop.

I realize I just ranted about a cake. I'm pretty sure there's some underlying themes or issues there. I've just been thinking about it. I didn't really see how much I've been thinking about it till I wrote it all down. I'm sorry...I kind of went a little crazy about that.

Jimmy told me today that he's going into rehab...I'm glad. I hope he can stick to it. He's already been through rehab before. I hope it works better this time. 

My grandma's really sick. She's dying. I think she's going to get better. I hope so. My mom doesn't think that I care about her because I don't go visit her in the hospital. I can't. I can't do hospitals....especially because I adore my grandma and I can't see her like this... because what if she does die and then that's how I remember her? I've been dealing with it by making myself numb. Its not really working. 

I hate when people say they think something is wrong but they can't justify why they think so. Same with why they like something. Or why they think something is beautiful. Or ugly. I just hate when people can't tell me why they think things.

I've lost my way.

i think you're really cool. and i think you're really interesting. and i listen to everything you say. and i like you. but i get afraid sometimes that you don't really wanna be around me, and that thats just the way it happens. it may just be my paranoia, so it's nothing to be alarmed over. i just wanna see you more often.

i'm so jealous of you.i love you and you're far away, but sometimes when certain people talk about you and say certain things, i go a little crazy on the inside. i think it comes through just slightly to the outside sometimes, but i'm not sure.

sometimes (and by sometimes, i mean just about all the time) i pretend that everyone's lives are revolving around me and my existance. it's in those fantasy moments that anyone watching closely would see when I can't keep my emotions to myself. i'm sure nobody's observing me like i observe them.

i'm tired and i want to go to sleep but i can't. last night i had crazy dreams that kept me up until all hours of the night. i'm a little afraid. reality will be here when i get back, but in what state will it be in? reality was real when it was three colors and they were seperated and flipping around. what if i wake up and i'm trapped there again? in the primary color 1408-like world?

i'll always be your girl, right? you won't leave me like everyone else....right? what if i leave you?

Remember to remember me

I'm going to johnstown today with theresa. We're going to a vintage store...although I'm not entirely sure if its an actual shop or if it's an internet store and this is like...the guy's house. I dunno. We'll figure it out when we get there I guess. If that falls through we can go to the johnstown flood museum or something. 

Theresa apologized to me yesterday. I'm glad we're okay but what she said didn't go away. I was hoping that when she said sorry I would feel better. I still feel alone and like the only reason anyone talks to me anymore is because they're afraid for me. But mostly just alone. 

Sometimes I get caught in the silence. And I just sit here and think about it. And I feel like it's bad to break it and start typing again. But it's not really silence...the ceiling fan, the dog at the end of the bed, the fan inside the computer, birds outside, cars driving on the road...they're all part of it. But somehow they make up the silence? I don't know...I'm just typing as I think because I don't have anything better to do. I told myself I wasn't gonna write anymore blogs because nobody reads them anyway, but here I am...

I think that the Just Say No campaign is the dumbest waste of money ever. Think about it. Our whole lives we had it ingrained into our brains that drugs were bad, therefore bringing drugs to the center of our consciousness. Just like the whole Jonas Brother purity rings thing that Russell Brand got in so much trouble for mentioning at the VMAs- calling it a cynical marketing ploy utilizing the theories of Michel Foucault to sell sex to teens. By wearing the rings, the jonas brothers were making the public think 'the jonas brothers aren't having sex.' which defeats the purpose of the promise rings. The Just Say No campaign seems to me to be almost exactly the same. Anyway....I'm not trying to be deep. I was just thinking about it. 

Hold my hand, protect me from the world

I sit by my pool in a lounging chair.

American Eagle Bikini (with ruffles and flowers)

Forever 21 sunglasses

I have my MacBook Pro and I'm listening to Radiohead

I've already applied my dark tanning oil (infused with carrot and banana extracts)

My cellphone is right next to me

I just painted my nails and toes "ink a dink a pink"

I don't have any plans for the day except a facial and back massage that was a gift from my friend Brian. That's at three o'clock.

All that I'm missing is a fucking tiara. 

No wonder all my friends are gone. I'd hate me too.

Cause I feel it's a long way down

I'm done asking to see you. I feel like you don't even want me around but don't have the nerve to say it. So instead you say you miss me and keep on going. 

I want to go to a vinyl store in johnstown tomorrow. But I haven't got anyone to go with. So I'll just sit in my house. It kinda sucks. 

Green Eyes, Yeah the Spotlight Shines Upon You

The past few days have been kinda crazy. I left Idlewild today. I hurt my back and I can't keep working and dancing so I decided to leave. I had to go to a doctor and stuff today. So I did that and then I hung out with Ande and Seth. My back doesn't hurt too bad but that's just cause I took the meds they gave me. 

I watched a crazy awesome movie. The Cell. Holy shit. It freaked me out. It was so goooood. 

Sometimes when I listen to music I can see a scene in my mind of what my mind's version of the music video would look. It's almost like lucid dreaming, I suppose. Anyway, I was thinking about how that doesn't happen to everyone. What do other people see when they listen to music? Like when people lay down in a calm environment and let the music just kind of take over, what happens?

I like making lists of things I want.

I like laying around and listening to music.

I like having a lot of stuff in my room on the walls.

I like walking around in the rain when it's warm out. 

I like sneaking around my mom. 

I like  being with my friends 

I like waking up early and getting a bunch of stuff done in the morning.

I like reading everything I can get my hands on.

I like having an unnecessary amount of pictures on my facebook.

I like buying clothes for really cheap at salvo. 

I like being subtle.

My life should have have been better. It's getting hard to keep it all together.

I don't write my own blogs anymore. Not really. I've tried writing in my journal, but even that's difficult for some reason. I just read what everyone else writes. I don't care anymore, I guess.

Watch me break and watch me burn

So it's getting to the point that Andie is getting ready to leave Idlewild. She leaves in like, 5 days, I think. We've been re-blocking the shows...I got the majority of her solos. I sing the opening number and Arabian Nights in the Aladin section. So that's cool I guess. I'm not gonna have any friends at work once she leaves though. I plan on reading The Stand.

I've been in a bad mood over the past few days. And I'm starting to wonder if dating Wiggles is the best idea. He acts like we've been dating for a really long time and we really haven't. It just makes me nervous. And I've been really conflicted over what to do about my dad. I'm not sure if I should call him and invite him to come see my shows or if I shouldn't even bother. Because he's just gonna say no. And I don't know if I want to actually see him. I don't know. I don't know what I want....not just with this situation but in general. I'm really stressed and taking it out on everyone around me. 

I have a fake smile that I got really good at this summer with being on stage all the time. I wonder if any of my friends can tell the difference between that and my real smile. 

I'm not the one that you want, I'll always let you down.

You're so fake you make me want to vomit.

I had fun last night. Thanks for being there and letting me lean on you...literally. 

I had a nightmare that I managed to fuck things up with us again and I woke up crying and terrified.

I think you're forcing things.

Listen to me. You're gorgeous. And interesting. And so unique. And I wish we were friends so I could tell you that.

And you. I miss the old you.

Where the hell have you been?

I want you to end up with her so bad because she loves you. 

Stop telling me how to live my life. I know I'm doing it wrong. You reminding me solves NOTHING.

I'm gonna miss you really bad when you go to college. 

I can't believe we are as close as we are. I love it. 

I'm still mad at you despite you pretending we're fine. I really hope you apologize.

Biting the flesh from your finger you know I just cant seem to help myself

Just about anyone that knows me knows that I have fairly low self confidence... I can hide it pretty well, but it's still an issue. Anyway. I've found that any sort of fueling that I get that makes me feel any better about myself comes from others. ***In no way am I fishing for compliments by writing this.*** This is a problem, I realize, but it's a fact of my life all the same. James isn't the type of person that compliments, I guess. He never told me he liked the shows or that I looked nice or that he thought I was pretty. I just wish he acted like he liked me. I dunno. It makes me feel like he's dating me for convienence since his best friend and my best friend from work are dating one another and the four of us hang out all the time. Its probably not the case at all. It just bothers me. It makes me feel shallow that it bothers me. I'm not sure what to do about it.

If you didn't care what happened to me and I didn't care for you

So Wiggles and I are dating. I'm really excited about it because he's so nice to me and seems to genuinely have my best interests at heart. I just wish he'd trust himself a little more...he claims to make terrible decisions (which to be totally honest, I don't doubt) so in fear of messing something up, refuses to make decisions. Its better than being over controlling, which I was a little worried about (and still am in the back of my mind) simply because he was a Marine, and for four years had to reprogram his brain so that he was in charge. But as of right now, it's fine. He's cool with me going to hang out with my friends, despite the fact that the majority of them are boys.

I wish he'd let me call him James, because it's my favorite name for a boy. In my mind, that's what I call him. He says he doesn't like James because it doesn't feel like him name since he's had a few different ones over the years through the various orphanages/adoptive families he's been in. So like....at least it's a legit reason.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to Idlewild to ride Mr. Roger's trolly with my mom since we ride it together every year. Then Wiggles and Luca are coming up and I'm gonna ride some rides with them. My goal for the day is to take a lot of pictures. 

I hope I can sleep over with Ange, Mouse, and Theresa tomorrow night. If not I'll hang out with James. :)

I'm so excited about my lap top from Brian. Its got a few things wrong with it, but I don't care. I love it. Although now I'm just enabled to stay up till 3 playing with it...

There ain't no need to go outside

I'm a pretty firm believer that every single person has a thing that they're meant to do. Some people are meant to be teachers. Some people are supposed to be pastors. Some people are supposed to be garbage collectors. For whatever reason, certain people have certain skills that dictate what jobs they should do. And you know what I love? When people are called to do something and they take it and run with it. Like my mechanic for my jeep, Mike. He wasn't meant to play in a band or write a book. He was supposed to fix cars. And instead of trying to fight it, he opened his own garage and fixes cars. And he's a really nice guy that likes what he does and doesn't try to rip people off. Like today. When I went to pick up my jeep, I told him that I'd forgotten that I'd blown the fuse that makes my cigarette lighter work, so I couldn't listen to my iPod. He showed me where both the fuse boxes were and gave me a fuse for free, on top of the new clutch that he'd thrown in with the engine since mine was about shot.

So I guess what I've decided is that if you're meant to direct movies, be a director. If you're meant to be a principal, do it. If you're meant to be a car mechanic, you be the best damn car mechanic that's out there. Because if I ever make it in acting and have enough money for it, I'm gonna find Mike and buy him a wrangler...because he told me he wanted one.
Do what you're supposed to do, and do it well.

Down beside that red firelight

Last night, Andie, Luca, Wiggles, and I all went up to the graveyard. We kind of just laid around up on the hill on a blanket and talked and looked at the stars. Andie and Luca left around 11 to go back to Andie's apartment. So James and I stayed for another hour. It was really nice. He told me he's liked me for a while, which is why he's been coming to our shows. And he told me he wanted a relationship. So I'm pretty happy.

Then we went to Eat and Park and this bat shit crazy waitress gave us a whole plate full of applesauce and a tiny little side plate of mashed potatoes. She was a little confused, I think.

Apparently today I'm to be hanging out with Seth and then going shopping in Pittsburgh with Brendan...although I don't know if he still wants to go after the big fight at work yesterday. Brian's been spreading all these rumors about Andie, and everyone got all worked up, and Julia yelled at me too and called me a pathological liar...so there was a point that none of us were talking to one another...except me and Andie, who "are still happily in love" as she put it. haha

You wanna know something sad? I used to love the name Julia. Now it reminds me of her and I hate it.

Is it out of line if I were to be bold and say would you be mine?

Work today is going to be no fun whatsoever. Andie's going to Kennywood... Luca and Wiggles (our two new friends) are both off, and I'll be stuck with Julia. And doing Ricky. UGH.

Last night I was at Eat and Park with Andie, Luca, and Wiggles and I saw Ande, Lorris, Theresa, Chrissy, and Sam. I went over to say hi and it felt a little hostile. It was weird.

I wanted to do the summer thing so I could get closer to Jesus. I was told that they would find a way that I could be there. Guess it doesn't matter that I'm not close to Jesus anymore. Whatever. I'm over it. I just don't really feel a need to come back to church once my job is done. There isn't much of a point. I'm just tired of talking and thinking about it.

I hate not being able to say what I want with fear of offending someone. Because I know who reads this.

Oh what a world my parents gave me

I'm done being unhappy. Last night I remembered what it was like to have fun with my friends. As of today, I'm doing something about it. Things are going to change.

In Ciberland we only drink....Diet Coke

Stephen turned out to be a stalker. haha. Soooo I'm not quite sure what I'm gonna do. He texts constantly and gets jealous if I talk to the guy in the lemonade stand, and follows me around, and waits for me at the stage door. And the more that I think about it, the more I realize that it isn't okay that he's gonna be a teacher, and I'm gonna be a senior in high school.

Last night at work there was like, nobody in the audience. So we just screwed around the whole time. It was fun. It's to a point that even if there is an audience, we carry on full conversations on stage. I love it.

I made a new friend yesterday. (haha I sound like I'm three) Her name is Skye. She saw my family force 5 shirt and we started talking about them. She's going to Geneva to be a youth pastor. She's really cool and I'm really excited I met her.


There's this guy at work that Julia likes. We figured out his name is Kyle. He sits in the break room and smokes and watches us walk by. I'm gonna talk to him today. He's way too bad ass to be Julia's type. She can have Stephen. haha

I think I'm gonna get a sparrow tattoo on my right hip. I decided last night on the way home from work....while listening to "Free Bird" *cringe*

I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints

Last night I went on a date with this guy form work. His name's Stephen. He's 24 and he's starting his first year as a math teacher at a school in Virgina this fall. He's really nice, and he really likes me- I can tell. He's like, really polite and sweet. He pulled out my chair for me and asked me questions and complimented me. It was really nice. It was nice to be around someone that appreciated me. Tonight after work there's a mini golf thing for Idlewild people. I think I'm gonna do that with Stephen.

So I found out yesterday that my friend Matt is dating two girls right now. And he has four other girls 'lined up.' I think I'm considered as one of those girls. That's like...not okay. Because I'm not gonna date him or whatever it would be considered. That's ridiculous.

I miss last summer. We were so close. I can't wait for school to start. I'm tired of summer. I never get to see my friends. At least in school I'll see them.

You smile all the time...that's how you fight it.

Yesterday was strange. I had a really bad fight with my mother. Like...really bad. I pretty much had a nervous breakdown. It was a build up of everything at work combined with her and I arguing about concert tickets and me not ever having any money and having to pay for everything. So it all hit the fan and it was bad but things are good now.

Then Kaleb's grad party. It was a lot of fun and Kaleb liked his present (I got him a ticket to Def Leopard. They're playing with Cheap Trick and Poison on July 10.) AJ was only there for 5 minutes. It's really sad that he's gone. He'll be home in three months. Hopefully I'll get to see him again then.

I dont want to go to work. I feel sick at the thought of getting ready and going to that place. At least today will be fun. Julia won't be there.

I miss you guys. I wish you'd call me.
Thanks for talking with me last night.
You're going to be okay. I promise.

...And Drift Away

I haven't written a blog in a long time. I'm still alive. Just really busy with work. I work 9-10 hour days, and by the time I get home (If I come home and don't just go straight to someone's house) I'm too tired to get on the computer. So yeah.

Work isn't terrible. Sometimes it really is. Like when Julia is making me feel like a piece of shit, I realize I'm throwing away my summer, and it hits me how much I miss my friends ALL AT ONCE, then it's pretty much the worst thing ever. Because the audience doesn't care. I still have to perform and it still has to be perfect. Some of my friends up at work aren't really friends. Brian. I know he talks about me behind my back. But whatever.

So A.J. is leaving for the Air Force at the end of the month. It's actually surprisingly upsetting. I'm really gonna miss him. It hit me the other day that I might not ever see him again. And not just him, a bunch of my friends. But I really worry about A.J. because I don't want him to get hurt. He won't be in combat but still. I'd worry about any of my friends going into the service.

Amber and I made a summer list of things to do. We're not gonna get to do any of them. I don't even see that group of people anymore. It's unfortunate, because I miss them. But I never know when they're hanging out because I don't feel comfortable inviting myself, and I'm never invited anymore so... I just really hang out with Kaleb, Sam, Melissa Rachael, Jack, Kevin, AJ, Thea, Candidia, and everyone else in that group of friends. it's cool...I mean, I enjoy myself. We laugh a lot...a lot alot. But I'd like to see my old friends too. I can't help but feeling that they're mad at me.

I miss the way things used to be. When everything was simple and nobody really cared about much beyond what everyone was doing that evening. We took it for granted. Well, at least I did I guess. But I suppose hindsight is always 20/20.